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In an exclusive arrangement with the estate of William Garner, Bloodmonkey Press is proud to present the legendary banned writings of this lost pulp detective writer.
"The Chimp's Gotta Gun!"
The first installment of the "Sea of Sterility" tetralogy.
Quien es Dick Burns?
A
deconstruction essay by noted Marxist semiologist Dr.
Umberto Chomsky, The Fin du Ciecle and the Absurd: The "Literature"
of William Garner
Stories
Nobody
to Kill: Dick Burns takes on healthcare fraud, bisexual thrill
killers, and a dog with scrofula with guns blazing.
Revenge
of the Anarcholesbian Epidemiologist: A virus causes its victims to bash their skulls
to pulp: corporate conspiracy or the latest Gen-X trend?
You make the call.
The
Internet Murders (The Chimp's Gotta Gun!): Dick Burns teams up with adult film star
Nina Hartley against an unholy cabal of anti-sex feminists and CIA
hitmonkeys.
The
Chickasaw Gravelpacker: A hermaphroditic Chinaman takes the
Speaker of the House Hostage in a hideously perverted plot to change his gender.
Lead
Valentines for Wang: It's Othello in a kilt meets
a sumo Farewell, My Lovely in this action-rimmed tale of jealously, retribution,
and self-abuse.
The
Case of the Missing Foot: Hot amputee action with a guest
appearance by adult film actress Annette Haven!
The
Case of the Naked Nun: A cross country killing spree turns into a
high-octane Christian allegory! As cited in the Vatican Index of Forbidden Texts!
The
Guns of Capitol Hill: An NRA chestnut! Shootout at the
House Select Committee on Assasinations.
Requiem
for a Hitman: The last of the JFK "clean-up" crew takes his lumps for the Crime of the Century.
Blood
and Garlic: A brainwashed assassin runs amok in DC and is looking for a
really good plate of ziti. Burns serves one up hot and steaming.
(UPDATED 2/26/2006)
Xmas
at Donner Lake: Dick Burns relaxes in a pool of his own delusions...
after one last score. No one will be seated after the "dessert sequence."
The
Defective Cat Detective: When Burns and his one-eyed pussy take on the East Coast Syndicate,
cliches and fur star flying."
This page sponsored by
Because you don't know any better.®
Publishers please note: the marketing firm of Fab, Boss & Bitchen indicates
that overseas interest in Dick Burns is at an all-time high, especially among 13-39
year-olds (the so-called Generation P). International distributors and translators
should contact Bloodmonkey Press for licensing agreements, press releases, and free
head cheese recipes.
KIDS! Download all 10 stories, clip the URLs and send 'em in along with $10 postage
and "handling" for great Garner Gear! Gold lamé baseball caps! Vinyl
spats! Disposable enemas! Medicine balls! Watusi walking sticks! (Offer void in most
States and the District of Columbia).
Address all correspondence and inquiries to Dr. William Garner, Esq.
The Dick Burns Homepage
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