In the beginning...

In September of 2000 Blondee and discovered, much to our joy that we were pregnant. As the weeks went by I started reading
everything I could get my hands on to learn about the little miracle that was occurring in Blondee's womb. 

Broken Dreams...

By early November we realized something was terribly wrong, and by November 15, our world came crashing down around us as lost
our baby. Never have I cried in many years as I did then. And just a quick note to men, real men cry. It broke our hearts. Whether 20
years or 3 months, it is never easy to loose a child.

What's the Deal?

I think it was particularly hard because among other things, you expect to outlive your children. That's the way its supposed to work right? First you raise a family, see your grand children, great grand children if your lucky and then you die, right? Unfortunately, that is not always the was it works. Add to this the longing and desire we had to have children and the joy of being pregnant, being robbed by death. In the fall when the grass was dieing and there trees loosing their leaves, we felt as though we were dying inside. Just sitting here remembering these things as I type brings tears to my eyes.

Why?

We went through so many emotions and questions. How could God let this happen? Did we do something wrong? Maybe if we had been more careful this would not have happened. Is there any hope? Should we every "try" again? There are no easy answers to these, but I wish to share if you will allow, our story of how we made it through. 

How could God let this happen?

First of all, without Jesus, we would have no hope. He is the author of life, the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end. You may wonder how we could trust a god who let our baby die. Its not always easy and I would be lying if I told you have not struggled with that question. Part of the answer is that we do not have all the answers. We know from the bible that God is good by his very nature. I may never understand why God allowed this to happen, but I have to accept that He knows what He is doing and has our best interests at heart. Therefore I choose to trust Him, no matter what. That does not mean I did not grieve the loss. Another part of the answer is that despite all the agony, we know that our baby Ezri is in heaven with Jesus now and we will get to meet them someday. To that we look forward with joy.

Where did we go wrong?

Guilt. It can be a horrible thing, especially when things happen to you which you have no control over. If you have ever experienced a
miscarriage, understand this, in almost all cases there is nothing you did wrong, and nothing you could have done to prevent it. You may not believe me right now, but I pray that God will speak to heart that you are not a bad parent because you have had a miscarriage.

Beginning to Heal - Encouragement to the broken hearted...

Of all the things we experienced, above all was overwhelming grief and sorrow. We loved our baby and were praying and preparing to be the best parents that we could and then we lost our little one. It was the kind of blow that takes all the wind out of you. I have had other people I know die, some that I even loved, but nothing had prepared me for the gloom, the sorrow and depression that followed when we lost our child. It was in the depth of this sorrow that I turned to the Psalms and found comfort. It seemed for a while that I would cry for ever and never be happy again. Blondee and I went on a cruise that following January, but even that seemed empty and hollow compared to times we have had before. It was like eating when you have a cold, you can not taste anything. We had lost the ability to taste life. It was in this state that God spoke to us from His word and I pray to you too. Psalm 30:11 says " You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,..." This spoke to our hearts that even thought seemed the spring would never come and that this horrible night would never end that God was with us and we would feel joy again, we would taste of life once more. Another scripture God used to encourage us is Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." This verse described us perfectly, both brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. It was in this verse that God revealed to me that as we cried over the loss of our child, that He too cried. It made me weep that the Son of God who loved us so much He died for us, that he loved our baby even more that we did and wept all the more. Jesus is so precious. Understand that has you walk through the veil of tears or through the valley of the shadow of death, that He is walking it with you. He understands better than anyone else could what you are going through.