GOLF   JOKES
This   Is   Al   Moore's   Page 2  Of   Golf   Humor
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Golf Rule Book changes for 2006 (for seniors only)

Rule 1.a.5:  A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty.  The senior should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule 2.d.6 (b):  A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.  This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game.  The player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3 (g):  There shall be no such thing as a lost ball.  The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball.  The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7 (h):  If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.  The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule 5:  Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in.  This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole.  No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9 (k):  There is no penalty for so called "out of bounds".   If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur.  The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15 (z):  There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float.  That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have to correct.  Senior Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer's shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9 (s):  Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes etc.  Since this is financially impractical for the average Senior Golfer, 1/2 a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.
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Putting Golf Into Perspective
The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is,
rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?
 The following truisms may shed some light:
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.
The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30.
 The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink.
 Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.
 If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you.
 In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words
and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.
Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
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Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf,
and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority,
figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

So,  that special morning arrives, and there they are on the   golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too.
My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said,
'Well babe, Merry Christmas ! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' ........ and  she said, "Take a sweater..."

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DINNER CONVERSATION GONE  WRONG...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died?
Would you get  married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely  not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being  married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?">
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd  get married again." 
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look  on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible  groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our  bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we  sleep?" 
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with  hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to  do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with  her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE:  "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's  left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -  -
HUSBAND:...."DAMN"

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Posted at a local golf club...

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width .
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

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A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."


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WHATS  A  LITTLE  RAIN
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf
fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets
up very early and golfs all day long. Well this one Saturday morning,
he gets  up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and
goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining. It's a torrential
downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing
50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather
channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day
long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly  undresses
and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back,  and
whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she  replies,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing
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SAND  TRAP  PROBLEM
An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer, moved to a new town and joined the
local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but he
was told there wasn't anyone with whom he could play because they were
already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to  play.
Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many
strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any
strokes, because I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have
is getting out of sand traps."   And he did play well. Coming to the
par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to
get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his
approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the
bunker, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the
hole! Birdie, match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in
the trap. He said, " Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem
getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the Octogenarian, "I do.    Please give me a hand."

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 18  REASONS   WHY   GOLF   IS   BETTER   THAN   SEX
18  You don't have to sneek your golf magazines into the house.
17  If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfictly acceptable to pay
a proffessional to show you how to improve your technique.
16  The ten commandmentsdon't say anything about golf.
15  If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing youdon't have
 to worryabout them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
14  Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about
other partners you've golfed with.
13  It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
12  When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel
guilty about imagining the two of you golfing togather
11  If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she
 won't ocject if you golf with someone else.
10  Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
9  When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder
 if they are really an undercover cop.
8  You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
7  You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and
invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
6  There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
5  If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium channel.
4  Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
3  Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
2  You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation for the enjoyment of golf.
1  Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week!
Is that all you ever think about?"
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THIS   IS   HEAVEN
Three  golfing partners died in a car wreak and went to Heaven.
Upon Arrival they discover the most beutiful golf course have ever seen.
St.Peter tells them that they are welcome to play the course,
but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them ask
"The Ducks?"  "Yes",  St. Peter replies. "There are millions of ducks
walking around the course and if one of them gets hit, he squawks
then the one next to him squawks and soon they'er all squawking to
beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks,
you will be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy." After
Entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle
of ducks everywhere.  Within fifteen minutes, one of them hit one of them.
The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a
deafening roar of duck quacks. St. Peter walked up with an extremely
homely women in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?" The one who had
done it admitted "I did."  Immediately St. Peter  pulled out a pair of
Handcuffs and cuffed the mans right hand to the homely womens left
hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks" he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed
togather for eternity." The other two men were very cautious not to hit any
ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks
were as deafening as before and  within minutes St. Peter walked up with an
even uglier women than before. St Peter determined which one had hit the
duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the mans right hand to the homely
women's left hand.  "I told you not to hit the ducks" , he said . "Now you'll
be handcuffed togather for eternity." The third man was extremelycareful.
Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck.  After
three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the
man at the end of  and had with him a knock-out gorgeous women, the
most beutiful women the man  had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man
and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beutiful women and
walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this women
for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"
The women responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

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Mulligan   Must   Be   Irish
An American goes over to Scotland for the first time to play golf.
His first game is at the old course at St. Andrews where he gets
paired up with three local scots.  He tees it up at the first hole &
Proceeds to knock it out of bounds.  He immedeately reaches into
His pocket & pulls out another ball & tees it up.  He turns to his
playing partners and ask,
"Hey, What do you call mulligans over Here?"
 In Unison they replied  "THREE"
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19th  HOLE
The  Only  Hole  On  Which  Golfers  Do  Not  Complain
About  The  Number  Of  Shots   They  Took.
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Do  You  Have  Clean  Golf  Jokes  That  I  Could  Use  Here?
Have  Them  Ready  To  Print,  I  Cut  And  Paste.  
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