'CEAD  MILE  FAILTE'
"One  Hundred  Thousand  Welcomes"
TO
AL  MOORE'S  FUN  PAGE  OF  IRISH
TOAST  AND  JOKES
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he
had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
 Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.
 If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every
Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me
Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
 Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to
the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
 The man said, "I do Father."
 The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
 Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
 "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
 O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
 The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell
me that when you  die  you don't want to go to heaven?"
 O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought
you were getting a group together to go right now."
 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and
all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it.
 At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to
confession to repent.
 "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been
stealing wood from the lumber  yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
 O'Toole said, "Father, " if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
  
 Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died! !!"
 "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
 He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
 The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
 The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

##############################################
May the leprechauns be near you,
To spread luck along your way.
And may all the Irish angels,
Smile upon you St. Patrick’s Day.

###############################################

 I could have wealth beyond my dreams,
But where is the joy in that?
And I could travel the seven seas,
But I would always come back.
Everyone could know my name,
And there would be no peace.
I could have undying love,
And heartaches still increase.
No, if I were wealthy beyond my dreams
(And where is the joy in that?)
It wouldn't buy friendship such as yours --
And there IS joy in that!

333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

If you're lucky enough to be Irish---You're lucky enough!
3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
Get on your knees And thank the Lord You're on your feet!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

May you live as long as you want

and never want as long as you live.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is
in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What
  happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie
O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little
shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
  "That he did," says Pady, "a shovel is what he
had, and a terrible  lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have
  defended yourself, didn't you have something in
your hand?" That I  did," said Paddy... "Mrs.
O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
  was, but useless in a fight."
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

"MAY  THE  ENEMIES  OF  IRELAND

NEVER  EAT  BREAD  NOR  DRINK  WHISKEY,

BUT  BE  TORMENTED  WITH  ITCHING

WITHOUT  BENEFIT  OF  SCRATCHING"

##############################################
 
 IRISH   TOAST
May  GOD  Grant  You  Many  Years  To  Live,
For  Sure  HE  Must  Be  Knowing,
The Earth  Has  Angels  All Too Few,
And  Heaven  Is  Overflowing.
 
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TEXAN NOT IRISH

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his
voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you
Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink
10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet
and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The
Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up
10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears
into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all
back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan
sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the
$500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where
did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The
Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down
the street to see if I could do it first".

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
AN  IRISH  TOAST
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
Now...............make a wish!!!!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

IRISH TOAST

'Sláinte chuig na fir, agus go mairfidh na mná go deo.'

Health to the men, and may the women live forever!

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
 Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting,
and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
 The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".
 Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
 He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
 After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Irish are well known for their sense of humor and quick wit. The following are
         some true Irish Jury Verdicts.
         " We find the man who stole the mare, not guilty."
         "We are unanimous - nine to three." " We find the defendant not guilty, but
         recommend he does not do it again."
         "We find this man not guilty if he promises to give the money back."
         "We find the defendant guilty of innocently committing perjury."
         "We return a verdict of guilty against the unknown murderer who
fired the alleged shot which killed O'Hara."
         "We the jury have good friends on both sides of this case
and would prefer not to get involved."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

================================
may  you  have  warm  words  on  a  cold  evening,
a  full  moon  on  a  dark  night,
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(()()()
'Twas an evening in November,
As I very well remember.
I was strolling down the street in drunken pride,
But my knees were all aflutter,
So I landed in the gutter,
And a pig came up a lay down by my side.
Yes, I lay there in the gutter
Thinking thoughts I could not utter,
When a colleen passing by did softly say,
"You can tell a man that boozes
By the company he chooses."
At that the pig got up and Slowly walked away!


*************************************************
May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you wherever you go.

************************************************
May the dust of your carriage wheels Blind the eyes of  your  foes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just
before the morning break, Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost
me finger!" "Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you
do it?" Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny
spinning thing here like thi... damn! There goes
another one!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
May neighbours respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.
 
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
 
May the good Lord take a liking to you...But not  too soon!
 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been
feelin' meself lately!""'Tis a good thing, too-that
was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
May  You  Be  Poor  In  Misfortune,
Rich  In  Blessings,
Slow  To  Make..Enemies.
Quick  To  Make  Friends.
But  Rich  Or  Poor,  Quik  Or  Slow,
May  You  Know  Nothing  But  Happines
From  This  Day  Forward.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him
over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have you
been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the
man. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right,"
the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the
cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his
chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
^*^**^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

That the tap may be open when it rusts!

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If  You  Cheat,  Cheat  Death
If  You  Steal,  Steal  A  Womens  Heart
If  You  Fight,  Fight  For  A  Brother
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Slainte  Agns  Saol  Agat!"
(Health  And  A  Long  Life  To  You)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

May the roof above you never fall in,

And those gathered beneath it never fall out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
May you have food and raiment, a soft pillow for your head.
May you be forty years in heaven before the devil knows you're dead.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
AN IRISH  PRAYER
May the road rise up to meet you,
may the wind be always at your back.
 may the sun shine warm upon your face,
the rains fall soft upon your fields and,
until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Do  You  Have  IRISH   Toast  Or  Jokes  To  Share?
Email  Al  <almor2@cox.net>
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