Keeping the Spirit Alive
by Yahiya Emerick
I just read a very interesting story. A teacher gave
her students the following assignment: As a parent what their dream life
was when they were a teenager, and then write an essay comparing it to
your own dreams for your future right now. Accordingly, a teenager asked
her mom about her aspirations when she was young, and the mother replied,
(reflecting her Sixties hippie roots,) "I wished for a simple life, living
on a farm commune, growing my own vegetables and being happy."
The daughter paused for a moment and stopped writing down her mother’s
words. "What’s wrong?" Her mother asked.
"It’s sort of embarrassing," the teenager replied, "because all I want
is to drive a Lexus and get a good job."
In the first place, this may seem to be a harmless little story to elicit
a chuckle. But it got me thinking. How many Muslim "activists" have I met,
who spent all their free time doing Dawah and promoting Muslim causes,
only to lose their own children and spouses to the kufr lifestyle? It’s
pretty amazing that that would ever be the case. But I’ve seen it first
hand and it isn’t pretty.
Of the activist who is never home, we have no doubt about why he or she
may lose their families. After all, THEY WERE NEVER HOME. And even when
they were, all their mental conferences. We all know at least one person
like this. Is it because it’s easier to be in the Masjid all day, surrounded
by things that are easy to control, at least easier than an unruly child?
Or has the activist become so filled with Islamic romaticism they live
in a dreamland of khalifah, movements and spiritual battles? Only Allah
knows for sure.
But what about the other kind of activist? The one who is so skilled and
full of energy that they can tear through any Dawah task outside the home
and still have plenty of juice left over to "do Dawah" in the home. I’ve
met quite a few of this category also. I’ve even taught the children of
such "Super Da’ees" myself in the various Islamic schools I found myself
in. Here are some interesting observations, but first, an introducing to
the topic of giving Dawah in the home.
Your hear a lot from people, from conventions, speeches, khutbas, etc…about
the family being the number one priority for Dawah. Few speakers, however,
give any realistic ways of doing it. It seems to me that the only method
of "doing Dawah" that most people are familiar with is the challenge them/give
a lecture format. In this format, one person assumes another is completely
wrong. Then he or she proceeds to lecture them endlessly to bring the other
person into enlightenment. Almost every Muslim activist I’ve ever met does
this type of Dawah. Does it work? I’m usually the only convert at most
gatherings I attend (male, at least). You decide.
How does the super Da’ee relate Islam in his or her home? I will describe
for you examples I’ve seen with my own eyes. A father and son come to my
book table. The son is, by all standards, an Americanized teen. The father
is an immigrant, middle-aged, Masjid-going and reasonably well-off financially.
As the son is looking at the videos, the father endlessly lectures the
son about why he should pray. It looks like a well-rehearsed script. The
son’s face darkens in annoyance and he whispers, "You don’t understand."
But the father, who is too busy lecturing on the merits of the prayer,
didn’t hear him. I suspect he has probably never really heard his own son-
ever.
A mother with a loose, see-through head-scarf, precariously, (and obviously
temporarily) perched on her permed hair, wearing the typical colorful get-up
replete with nail polish and Gucci bag, is walking near the entrance to
a Masjid during social gathering. Her teenage daughter is standing near
her, wearing nail polish, make-up, tight, tight jeans, a short sleeve shirt
and no head-covering at all. (Talk about dressed to attract!)
A group of teenage "Muslim" boys walk by shouting and talking about sports
and girls. This girl flirts with them and is about to follow them when
the mother calls her daughter back and gives her a lnog lecture about why
"Muslim girls shouldn’t hang out with boys alone.
Here’s a favorite of mine: I know of a father who literally terrorizes
his family with endless talk of Islam. To the point where pouring a cup
of water in the home is to invite a lecture on the merits of water in Islam.
Obviously, his children can’t stand Islam because they equate it with their
father’s droning, boring and endlessly running voice.
Each of the three examples has one common denominator: a parent who is
forceful about giving some Islamic teaching, but who then goes about it
the wrong way. The first parent never listened to his son, and instead,
was totally unaware that his son was complete won over by modern, popular
teen culture. If he would have developed a good relationship wit his son,
and been a consistent role-model for him form his earliest memories, his
son would have been praying all along. Lecturing a fifteen year old about
prayer isn’t likely to make him want to start.
The second parent didn’t follow Islamic requirements herself (and who knows
what other Islamic deficiencies there were) and therefore didn’t encourage
any sense of an Islamic identity in her daughter, at least as far as dress
is concerned. Instead, she allowed her daughter to develop a completely
non-Muslim style of fashion that apes the modern "liberated" woman who
dresses only to be seen of men. Most probably her daughter hands out with
boys in her public high school everyday as well. If the mother allowed
these un-Islamic habits to develop, then what good would all the forceful
lectures do? Her daughter imagines herself to be a scantily clad beauty
in a Madonna music video while her mother envisions her to be an Muslim
princess ready for her marriage after eight years of college.
And finally, one parent took Dawah to the extreme and made his family tired
of Islam by his constant nagging. This is against Islam protocols of giving
Dawah as even the prophet, himself, used to scold those who made people
tired of too much "religious talk." Check on this topic and you’ll find
many examples.
So what’s the best way to give Dawah to your family? The wrong approaches,
as highlighted before, include: not being open to your family members as
individual people with thoughts and feelings, being insincere or a hypocrite
and finally, going overboard.
The right way to do Dawah in you home is to start with yourself first.
You could literally spend your whole life working on your own faith and
actions without even talking to anyone else! You are the first priority
in Dawah. Are you sincere? Are you being true to yourself. Do you know
something is bad but then do it anyway?
What do you know about Islam? Is it possible that you may harbor feelings
of racism, hypocrisy or un-Islamic cultural traditions from your upbringing?
People know who is real. A popular American novel entitled, ‘The Catcher
in the Rye," has, as its main theme, a disillusioned young boy in a world
full of hypocrites. All he wants is to meet someone who is "genuine" and
not a "phoney". Your own children know if you’re real or not. And it’s
sad to say, but it’s almost always true: the manners and attitudes of the
child are an uncamoflauged reflection of what is in the deepest heart of
the parents. Whatever is hidden in the core of your heart will come out
loud and clear in their demeanor and attitudes. If your kids are not so
good Islamically, be afraid of your own soul.
If you’re living as a true Muslim, not a perfect one, but a trying one,
then everyone sees it in your manners, speech and behavior. You’re not
yet saying a word to anyone, but you’re giving Dawah. The best Dawah is
not words- it’s actions, it’s attitude, it’s genuine. Knowledge of Islam
is not to be measured in how many du’as a person knows or surahs memorized.
Even parrots can be taught to say surahs but no one puts kufis or hijabs
on their feathered heads. Islamic knowledge is displayed in what no spoken
word can say. If you’re around a good-hearted person, you can feel it.
You want to be around that person more and to do what they do and to be
like them.
Have you ever wondered why everyone wanted to be so close to the blessed
Prophet? Iman, goodness and wisdom emanated from him. Think of people in
your life who had these qualities about them. One student told me his grandfather
was the sweetest Muslim ever. A girl told me her mother was her Islamic
role model. A bunch of kids in a class named the local Arabic expert as
their favorite teacher to be around. What were the qualities in all three
of these individuals? None f them ever lectured anybody. (I’ve met and
known all three.) One was a hafiz, one a homemaker/Islamic activist and
the other a scholar. But when you met them, they often said very little
about Islam directly and they certainly didn’t lecture or come off as arrogant.
What united all of them was that they were real sincere believers. So it’s
not how many "study-circles" you hold with your family, it’s not how many
surahs you make your children memorize. It’s not even sending your children
to a Sunday school or an Islamic school that is the key. Rather, the key
is you.
If you’re trying, sincere Musilm, you don’t talk too much- about anything-
and you perform good deeds as secretly as possible and you try to be as
peaceful and helpful to others as you can without asking anything in return.
(You also take your pleasure in simple things, not expensive vacations
and lavish living.) You prefer others over yourself and you don’t display
your wealth or worldly success by accumulating the finest cars, homes and
clothes. Anything else is folly and you’ll pay for it one day. A good guidebook
to Islamic humilty is called, "God-Oriented Life" by Wahiduddin Khan. It
contains the most beautiful hadith/Sahaba advice I’ve ever seen.
Don’t be a Muslim "activist" if all your activity is going to be outside
the home. And don’t be an Islamic "terror" to your family: coming in like
a whirlwind, from time-to-time, upsetting the normal schedule of everyone,
even if you’re enraged by what you see your family doing. Because if your
family is doing things that are not good Islamically, then where were you
all those years when those things were being built up in their minds and
habits. A series of lectures or thrashings on your part won’t change their
attitudes.
Only when others see Islam make a meaningful change in your life will they
be willing to try the same. That is the real Dawah to the family, that
is the only message that they will listen to and the only way to make Islam
survive in your family tree. Think about it.
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