In modern society it is not only acceptable for people to live together without being married, but the concept of marriage is almost frowned upon. In these ‘politically enlightened times’, more and more people are losing hope in the possibility of any long term relationship and are thus ridding themselves of what has become a ‘meaningless tradition’. It is clear that this way of thinking is not confined only to the non-Muslims, but has become increasingly visible amongst ‘Muslims’. Trends Vol. 7, Issue 1.

In order to consider this question and do the issue justice it is important to think objectively. As you read, try to do so without being cynical and dismissive. Rather, ponder and reflect with an open heart and an intention to implement the advice given in the words of Allah and the sunnah of the Prophet Mohammad(SAW). It does not matter if you have been married ten times before, if you are presently in a relationship that is not working or if you are just thinking about marriage - it is never too early nor too late to make an active change in order to improve yourself and thus the condition around you. Remember to point the critical finger at yourself and think how you can improve rather than accusingly thrust these pages into the face of your partner! It is by example that we change people not by force.

It is imperative that before marriage one has the correct requisite intention. In Islamic terms the objectives of marriage can be classified under three general headings. Firstly, as the verse illustrates, “Mankind, heed your Lord who has created you from a single soul, and created its mate from it, and propagated many men and women from them both.” (Qur'an 4:1), to propagate the human race. Secondly, to preserve a social sense of morality and chastity, as the Qur'an says: “...live a protected life in marriage, not indulging in illicit affairs nor having secret lovers.” (Qur'an 4:25). Finally, to provide mental peace and develop love and affection - “Among His signs is that He has created spouses for you from among yourselves so that you may console yourselves with them. He has planted affection and mercy between you; in that are signs for people who reflect.” (Qur’an 30:21 ).

Obviously, this topic cannot be fully covered in these few pages, thus attention will be given to the more relevant considerations that people face here in Britain. The decision of whom one marries is perhaps the most important in a person's life. This is particularly the case when living in a society which is hostile to Islam and effort must be focused on activating people to develop a better understanding of the religion. Marriage is the starting point of a family and a family is, in turn, the nuclear structure of any society. It is the forum in which natural feelings and emotions can be given full reign to flourish and inherent human emotions can be correctly expressed. It is the forum by which not only does the human race perpetuate itself physically but it also forms the basis of psychological, sociological and moral education A family is one of the bricks that form the solid wall of society and if it is weak itself it will cause the whole structure to tumble. Clearly then, this is not one that should he treated trivially or be underestimated.

What factors should be of primary importance when choosing a spouse? The answer to this question is clear in the following words of the Prophet(SAW);
“A woman is married for four things - her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman otherwise you will be a loser.” (Reported in Al-Bukhari)

The powerful hadith makes it clear that although several factors are often considered when it comes to choosing a spouse, piety in religion has the highest rank of importance. Indeed not only did the wives of the Prophet(SAW) excel in piety but the fist consideration of all the companions was also the piety of the person in question. Obviously this hadith applies to both sexes and perhaps explains why a marital relationship between two people at the time of the companions set to last for life and it was incredibly rare if it did not in contrast to the ‘transient marriages’ of today. It also goes to explain why people felt fulfilled and inspired in their marital relationships rather than stifled and misunderstood.

Let us look then at the correct attitudes that a husband and wife should posses with regard to one another. Firstly, neither should regard themselves as superior to the other - an established principle of the faith of a Muslim is that Allah only judges a person by the level of their piety and good deeds. A person does not have a ‘head start’ in the account of Allah just because of their lineage, gender, race or material worth. This is clear by the following verse: “Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted with all things.” (Qur'an 49:13) There is no concept in Islam of ‘equality’ if this means an equal obligation to perform identical acts. However, there is an inherent concept of ‘equity’ meaning that all are answerable equally for their actions but men and women have different roles and responsibilities. Even in today’s ‘enlightened’ age, modern research points to such personality differences. To quote the Encyclopaedia Britannica, which perhaps would not today be as ‘politically correct’ as it could be; “With respect to personality traits, men are characterised by greater aggressiveness, dominance and achievement motivation, women by their greater dependency, a stronger social orientation, and the tendency to be more easily discouraged by failure than men.” (Encyclopaedia Britannica 1984, 19/907) The relationship between two people cannot, obviously, be clearly defined set down in stone. There must be a degree of fluidity and compromise to account for the different personality traits of people. This scope has been left within the advice of Islam in the form of general wisdom being passed on rather than strict rules. A Muslim has a sense of nobility, self respect and selflessness when it comes to their spouse. The relationship is based on both a mutual love for Allah and a strong desire to attain His happiness and encourage their partner to do the same.

For a man, he has been put in a position of responsibility which will entail both an understanding of his obligations and a great deal of self control to fulfil them. To this end, and to buffer any clash of personality trait, man has been advised to be kind and gentle in his conduct. It is not befitting for a Muslim man to sue his status, physical strength or social ties to suppress his wife of family. Rather he should show his true ‘manhood’ by controlling these attributes and using them to his family’s benefit. Whatever physical or social attributes we have do not come from ourselves, we do not have a say as to whether we are born male or female or how rich and powerful we will be - rather these thins are ordained by Allah and can either be a source of blessing or a potential source of trial. The Muslim husband should feel proud and noble if he spends out of his wealth for his family or treats them well as this will attain him the pleasure of Allah also. The Prophet(SAW) said; “The believers who possess perfect faith are those who display the best manners, and the best among you are those who treat their wives in the best possible manner.” (Reported in At-Tirmidhi)

This does not necessarily mean that all men should give their wives whatever they want without first giving consideration to the prescribed laws of Allah! What it does mean is that wherever possible the needs and considerations of the wife should be given paramount importance. To illustrate to what extent this consideration should be shown, an extract from the life of the Prophet(SAW) is appropriate. On one occasion of Hajj, the camel of Safiya (May Allah be pleased with her) sat down on the ground and she was therefore left behind while the caravan passed on. The Prophet(SAW) came to her and found her weeping without restraint. He stood there wiping off her tears with the edge of a sheet with his own hands. While the Prophet(SAW) wiped off tears from her eyes, she continued to weep unrestrainingly for a long time. (See: The ettiquettes of Islam, by Doi)

This example illustrates the consideration and compassion that a Muslim man should show to his wife, even at times when he may not empathise with what the problem is. Even in general terms consideration should be given to the physical and psychological differences between men and women. On one occasion the Prophet(SAW) was on a journey and he passed some women riding on a camel. The man leading the camel drove it on faster, forgetting that this would cause undue discomfort for its passengers. The Prophet(SAW) said to the camel driver: “You have glass cases there. Be gentle with them.” (Reported in Al-Bukhari)

Steeped in history is the convention that men support women financially. This concept has, however, been abused by men through time. It is not an unsaid term that just because a man spends his money in the way of his family he is automatically entitled to some sort of unparalleled respect. Rather he is merely carrying out an obligation placed upon him by his Creator. He has no choice in the matter and although he should not pass unappreciated by his wife and family - he has no right to demand respect. Allah states in the Qur’an:
“A man of means should spend out of his means, while anyone whose income is more limited should spend some of what Allah has granted him” (Qur’an 65:7)
It is obligatory on every man to support and provide for his wife and family, he should recognise this as his duty and not seek to impose it as a favour on his family. On the other hand, he should be made to feel good about fulfilling his duty and not be treated in an ungrateful manner. It is this balance that prevails in all aspects of a marital relationship and is indeed the recipe for success.

It is also important for men to understand that just because they have been given the duty of protecting their spouse and providing for her, this does not mean that they are allowed to act unjustly or prevent them from developing their Islam. Rather, in the Medinan society, women and men, husband and wives, all worked together in the task of developing a strong community and building a political infrastructure. Women played a fundamental role in the teaching, preaching and practice of Islam, both on a personal level and in a public forum. The importance of this was stressed by command of the Prophet(SAW) that; “If the wife of anyone of you ask permission to go to the mosque, he should not forbid her.” (Reported in Al-Bukhari)

This is an example of how it was encouraged that both husband and wife become an integral part of society. The mosque was not only a place of worship but a station of central public importance and thus men and women were encouraged to frequent it. Reading more deeply into this hadith and placing it on it’s correct context, it is clear that the underlying principle is that a husband and wife should regard themselves as a team. They are BOTH Muslim, they both have the same accountability to perform their acts of worship and increase their knowledge and practice of Islam and they will both answer to Allah for their deeds.

When two people get married they do not forsake their individual accountability. It is important, particularly for men, to realise that their spouse will have to answer to Allah for their time, energy and wealth as well as you. Although this sounds like common sense it is often practically neglected. Even amongst ‘practising’ couples today it is not uncommon to see the husband actively developing this own knowledge and commitment to Islam, attending more gatherings and giving more in the way of time and money whilst he denies his wife the same opportunities. The ideal situation is one where BOTH parties put in the same degree of effort and insha-Allah reap the same amount of reward. Indeed, after marriage, Shaitan tries his hardest to divide two people and often what should have been a source of bonding becomes a source of division. Jabir ibn Abdullah said that once the Prophet(SAW) said; “The throne of Iblis (Satan), the chief of the devils, is situated above the seas, whence he sends his bands to send human beings astray. To Iblis, the most worthy of devils is the one who causes the greatest wickedness. The devils visit him as their chief to report their deeds to him, and Iblis gives a hearing to all of them. On one occasion, Iblis remained unimpressed with their achievements, until he managed to separate them. He had achieved this by causing them to have doubts and misgivings about one another. Iblis was so overjoyed to hear this that he drew him close to him in a close embrace, saying, “Yes, you did it,” meaning that he had really managed to lead human beings astray.” (Reported in Muslim)

Thus it is clear a man should regard his wife as a companion in life and somebody with whom he should try his utmost to keep amicable links, and vice versa. This teamwork and co-operation should exist not only in a practical sphere but more importantly in a spiritual context. If two people can encourage one another in the true worship of their Creator, which is of course their objective, then it must be a source of much reward and blessing. Such an atmosphere would be created that many of the small things that Shaitan uses to divide people would become obsolete and true inner strength would emanate from the couple. The incentive from Allah for a husband and wife to attain this spiritual bond together is illustrated by the following hadith;
“When a man wakes up and his wife during the night and they offer two Rak’ahs of prayers together, Allah ordains that the man’s name should be included in the rolls of the male remembers of Allah and the woman’s name in the register of those females who offer praises to Allah and remember Him.” (Reported in Abu Dawud)
Clearly this level of spiritual togetherness will be of much practical use in controlling any disagreements between the couple and providing a firm reminder of the intention behind and objectives of a true Muslim marriage.

As far as the responsibility of a wife are concerned they can be summed up generally by the following verse: “Honourable women are devout, guarding the unseen just as Allah orders it to be guarded.” (Qur’an 4:34) With regard to what this ‘unseen’ actually is, most scholars are in agreement that it refers to the honour and property of her husband. Many hadith point out that a woman must not permit anybody to enter the house to whom her husband objects, particularly in his absence. In a wider context, the example of the Prophet(SAW)’s wives shows what the ideal Muslim wife’s behaviour should be. Let it suffice to illustrate this with two examples regarding the first wife of the Prophet(SAW), Khadijah(RA). The example of Khadijah(RA) throughout her life was one of limitless support and reassurance to her husband. She provided him with mental security and physical support. She insisted on sharing her husband’s suffering along with his joy. She never doubted him nor criticised him, neither did she undermine him or disobey him. The first example shows the degree of trust and respect she had for her husband at the point when he first received revelation. As the Prophet(SAW) came to her, shivering and disillusioned, believing he was going mad, she comforted him with the following words;
“It cannot be. Allah will surely never forsake you. You are kind to your kin, you always help the weak, you solace the weary, you take care of whoever crosses your threshold, you speak the truth.” (Tafseer of Ibn Kathir) The feelings of the Prophet(SAW) for his wife were so great that he said of her, “I have been intoxicated by her love.” (Reported in Muslim) Khadijah(RA)’s support and encouragement left a life-long effect upon the life of the Prophet(SAW). In later years, after her death, he would still remember her and weep, he continued to look after all her relatives and friends after her passing.

Khadijah(RA) sacrificed her whole life, both materially and physically for the sake of Allah and in support of her husband. So great was her love and support to the Prophet(SAW) that after her death, Aisha(RA) relates that;
“The Prophet(SAW) would not leave home without praising Khadijah. One day when he mentioned Khadijah I became annoyed and said, “She was an old woman. IN her stead Allah has given you one who is better.” This angered the Prophet(SAW), who said, “God knows, He has given me no better than her. She believed in me when others rejected me. She supported me with her wealth when others left me in the lurch. And Allah gave me children by her, which He has not given me by any other wives.” (Tafsir Al-Haythami)

These words go to show the kind of behaviour that is ideally expected from a Muslim wife: to be a station of support for her husband and provide him with as much mental solace that she can. It is not befitting for a Muslim to be more concerned with material competition, vanity and ingratitude than the welfare of her husband and family. One of the biggest ills of Western society has been a rush of ill-defined feminism that has led to a confusion of the roles and responsibilities of man and woman, let alone take away the love, compassion and spirituality that should exist between husband and wife. A careful balance will surely fail and cause much disarray. The Prophet(SAW) warned us of this when he said; “Those men are cursed who try to resemble women and those women are cursed who try to resemble men.” (Reported in Al-Bukhari)

In conclusion, there is clearly a detailed set of guidelines laid down by the Creator to help his Creation co-exist in a harmonious fashion. Marriage is the corner stone of any society and its importance should never be underestimated. Neither should it be treated as something that does require research or preparation. Rather, it is a decision of utmost importance that must be made by everybody and clearly the better informed a person is, the better they will be equipped to deal with any difficulties that arise. It is not enough to assume that when an issue comes up it can be dealt with provided that everybody is ‘chilled out’. In matters of such high societal and spiritual importance there can be no room or scope to ‘chill out’. The answer lies in going back to the basic sources and materials, in treating the subject seriously and with due diligence.

Respect, appreciation, patience and forgiveness should be prevalent attributes of any Muslim marriage and there should be no imitation of ‘Western’ values. If there is then the divorce statistics will also reflect those of the West and this is not acceptable in Islam. The Muslim marriage is to build a society which will be a global example. There is no reason why this example cannot have its foundation in Britain and there is no reason why this example should not begin with you.

By Nadeem Malik.