Writing is sacred to me. Used as a form of emotional and mental outlet, I don't often share my writings with many people. The last set that were posted earned favourable reviews, perhaps those of you who read my older writings will enjoy these as well. Any of you who haven't read my other writings may be a bit overwhelmed, but this is my heart. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, perhaps this is what you would find there. What follow are very personal to me, but I would like to hear opinions on them. Please email your thoughts to me. Thank you.

For Rob
When I was given the opportunity to meet you, I felt instantly at ease with you, like I could be myself. I knew you would never judge me, condemn me, think less of me, or walk away from me.
You were so warm and sweet, which is why I called you my teddy bear. Well, those reasons and your hugs...
You let me be myself, no strings attached.
Your presence lit up a room, and your smile was genuine and warm. You could befriend anyone. You were easy to have fun with, just hang out with, and play pool with...
You made everyone feel special and at home with you.
The most striking thing about you was your vitality. You lived your life in such a way that I can't believe you're gone. Sure, I didn't know you as well as Erik did, but you still impacted me when I met you.
You were easy to love, and I loved you. I still love you. I always will. I hold you in my heart now, and always. I will never forget you.
Thank you for making my life better by being in it. It won't be the same without you.
You were truly beautiful, and I feel saddened, knowing that I will never see you again, get a hug hello, and go see a movie at the Saratoga theatre, hang afterwards with you and Erik, and then go play pool, listen to music together, and have me get a hug from you good night..
I always thought I'd see you again. I am sorry I didn't know you sooner. Never forget me, Rob. I'll never walk away from remembering you.

11-19-01 - Written for my Grandmother
There are no clouds, I think to myself. It seems wrong that today, there aren't. I glance quickly at the large number of birds that keep congregating - As though they listen to the words.
Merely words. There is nothing left of her. Calling out to us with merely words.
The singing stops, tears roll down my cheeks. I am unable to stop them, unable to want to. I feel so alone. They are here too, but I am all alone in this. They bow their heads in prayer.
I stand defiant, glaring at the clear sky. My heart wishes for rain or at least dark clouds to make it not seem so cheerful.
I grip the flowers I hold, very tightly. Another song, as they lower her into the ground.
Reality hits hard, right then. She's gone. Eternally gone.
I walk over and drop the deep pink roses on the casket, pause and smile a tiny smile before I walk away and try to forget.
My heart grieves, my mind misses her and my arms know they will never hold her again.
And there are no clouds.

12-17-01 - Grief
The waves of sorrow pound against the sands of my soul. My heart is broken by the rhythmic pattern... one devastating wave after another.
Realization that he is no longer part of this world strikes a deep blow. My heart, already weakened from previous battles with grief, is unable to fathom it.
He won't be there to wash the dishes after every meal, sing the Marine Hymn, talk about the war, share his memories, give me a hug when I just want one....
He is gone. I suppose, now, that he has been "gone" for a while, the devastating disease claiming his mind before the strokes claimed his body. He would have times of recognition, but it was heart wrenching to watch them outnumbered by the bad days.
I knew, as I stood beside the coffin, that he wasn't there. He wouldn't be. But it takes time to realize. The tears trailed down my cheeks, even as I tried to stop them.
In time, the pain will ease into a less terrible version of itself. And I doubt that I will ever forget. I wouldn't want to.
I will never stop loving him...
my grandfather, the marine.

11-30-01
You are perfection embodied.
You are beauty, refinement, humour.
You are loyal, honest, funny.
You are deep, passionate, gentle.
You are free, unchained and unwilling to be.
You haunt my thoughts.
You linger in my mind.
Memories of your kisses warm me.
Sleeping beside you was heaven.
I find it easy to admit, now - I miss you.
I am thankful for the time I was given..
But I will always wonder... What if?
You are the star.
I am the child, reaching for you.
I know I can't have you - I reach for you all the same.
I will remember.
I want you to know.
Every whisper,
Every kiss,
Every embrace.
Ingrained on my mind.
Please remember me.

12-11-01, 4pm
Snow was falling lightly from the heavens. The flakes stood out blatantly, pure white against my black cloak as I walked.
Flakes fell onto my cheek and lingered there, unmelting. I wondered if it was indicative of my cold, broken heart.
I started thinking and realized that although I have multitudes of demons - not as friends - but I know they exist, I have no angels.
I wonder if they truly exist, or if they are merely a myth. They have never intervened or saved me. I can't believe in them. Demons, yes. Angels, no.
My demons accompany me everywhere. They are dark. They are empty. They are morbid. They are death.
I greet them openly.

8-9-01, 9pm - STORMS
The blackness of the night sky is cut jaggedly by white streaks of lightning. Everything is shaken by the ominous thunder which booms loudly.
Rain seems tame compared to the bright lightning and the earth shaking thunder. It streams steadily down, all around you. Leaves and pine needles drip raindrops off of them.
A pause in the glamour of the storm - Rain is all that you hear. Soft pitter patter of raindrops.
Lightning lights up the western sky, then the northern; rapidly. It is followed by the rumbling growl of thunder.
Again and again, lightning takes the skies, followed repeatedly by low, rumbling thunder. Rain falls more heavily, making more noise in the symphony of storms.
It's surprising how deeply peaceful this is. Compared to this, you are nothing. There is nothing quite like this. It is humbling, awe inspiring, dangerous, mysterious and breathtakingly beautiful all at once.
I realize that I could cry, and no one would be able to see my tears. I realize that I should, then I realize that I can't. There are no tears that could ease the grief in my heart. No words of consolation can bring comfort. No hug will banish this. And no pain has felt quite like this.
This might as well be a storm in my heart; Nothing can stop either of them, and there are few who can truly claim to truly understand us both.
Storms are my kindred. The closest I have found to communion.
You might laugh and tell me that storms aren't really alive.
But then I'd smile, just a small smile that not many people know how to read. My eyes might betray sadness though, as I whisper, soft and low: But neither am I.

8-9-01
Until recently, I never understood. Oh, I thought I did. I said I did. I was convinced that I did.
But I really hadn't even grazed the iceberg. I saw a frozen puddle and mistook it for the lake.
Looking back, it's hard to believe how little I really knew. But experience is the greatest teacher, they say.
I've made promises before. And I've carried them through. They have never cost me as this one will.
I still mean the words I promised, even as I lie in bed alone, his face haunting my memory. His eyes sparkling as he smiles, his face carefree.
I open my eyes, realizing that somehow, despite my promise, I am losing everything. My mind plays it over and over again. I can still remember him trailing a finger down my cheek, brushing a soft kiss against my lips, awakening in his arms, sleeping by his side, secure in us, myself, and being near him was heaven, his phone calls made my days, his softly whispered "I love you"'s made my nights.
I know that my heart is grieving. I know that in time, the pain will dwindle into nothingness; empty as my soul.
I know that my friends love me, care for me and tell me to forget him. I deserve better. I will have better. To hear them talk, anyone would think I am royalty, a delicate flower to be treasured, cherished, adored, protected and guarded at all costs.
I know that there should be limits. But my heart knows none. There is quite honestly *nothing* that I wouldn't do for him. My heart can't stop believing in him, in the great myth, that he once loved me, just as much as I love him now.
I know that once, he cried genuine tears at the thought of losing me. I know that I've known too many tears; they do nothing to ease the loss.
I know that eventually, I will be able to not think of him so much. To let it be is probably best, I know. But knowing and being able to DO - those are worlds apart.
I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will keep my promise. And until his dazzling smile is real, I won't rest. Love is sacrifice. Sacrifice hurts.
I once heard it said; "Self sacrifice is easy;
It is when you must
Sacrifice something you love
that your convictions are put to the test."
I have made the sacrifice. All I ask in return is his happiness, which means more to me than all the money, treasure and peace in the world.

8-9-01
"This above all, to thine own self be true"... but we so seldomly are. We shape, mold and remodel ourselves into the person we think people want us to be. We take on new hobbies, do new things, and act happy, all for the sake of winning recognition, approval, and even love.
Each little piece we give away without thought takes years to regain. And we don't even realize that it's our essence, our soul, that we're giving away. We continue...
Until one day, we realize that we don't know ourselves. We're strangers, like a random person on the street.
There is no solace in the emptiness, though one might seek it there. It is cold, black and worse than any torture someone else could ever inflict on us. Self inflicted torture reaches even the soul.
The blackness soon finds a mind of its own, running rampantly through us.
Our hearts start believing the softly whispered words of no one wanting us, needing us, caring for us. The solitude is not solace. Make no mistake about it.
The oubliette we've built around ourselves is only conquered by one thing...
Believing in ourselves, finding ourselves, and letting the sunshine in.
And that's not an easy task. We need to accomplish it, before all is lost in the all consuming blackness.
"Conceive these images in air; Wrap them in flame, they're mine..." -Dylan Thomas.

12-3-01
I flirt with the idea of loving you.
I know I could lose everything.
I remember how at ease I was with you.
I crave your kisses and sleeping by your side.
Is that wrong?
Should I not?
Should I forget about you?
My heart believed you when you said you were different.
My mind is left wondering.
And my soul wonders idly if it will always feel this alone.
I think you worth any sacrifice.
But I know I will wait...
However long it takes.

For now, I flirt with the idea.
I know - I could easily ...
love you.

----
Sometimes we blindly believe things... Then when we are woken up from the dream, it is never pretty.
Like when we believe someone who says they love us... And then one day, we realize they're marrying someone else, having kids.. They've moved on, ya know? And you feel like you've been hit over the head with a 2x4...

----
In the quiet peace of evening, as the sun vanishes behind the hills, thoughts of you grace my mind, banishing the chill in the air. Softening rays of light illuminate the delicate clouds near them with an inner fire. In the air, a faint hint of firewood burning lingers, invoking an image of dancing flames. Thoughts replace the image in my mind, and I wonder why I feel so at ease opening up to you. No doubt, you are someone I trust with my secrets and fears, things that I usually leave unsaid...

12-9-01
You call me beautiful.
I laugh.
You call me irresistible.
I think that you're dangerous.
You tell me I'm precious.
I shake my head.
You tell me "I love you."
I feel my heartbeat quicken.
You say you're true.
I pray that you are.
You want me there.
I know that I won't want to leave.
You say I have your heart.
I hope not to break it.
You say you'll enfold me in your arms.
I hope you'll never let me go.
You say you need to go.
I wish you'd stay.
In the few quiet, solitary moments before sleep claims me, I whisper... "I love you."
Wishing.. That you were here to hear it.

Desire. 10-10-01
You are the one who knows my demons by name. You are the one whose loving embrace I never want to leave. You are the one whose kiss I crave. You are the one who has my heart captive, even now.
You are the one I miss. Adore. Need. Love. You, the one I can't have.
You walk in the room and my heart races. My body wants to be near yours. My lips long to kiss yours, and my arms want you inside them. I want to see your smile, have your eyes light up when you see me, hear you say how you love me.
I know I shouldn't. I know I, somehow, should be over you. My heart clings to you, who knows me so well. I miss you. I miss sleeping in your arms. I miss waking up before you and watching you sleep so quietly, like peace was protecting you, like an angel.
I hold true to my promise. Anything, for you. Anytime, anywhere.
"You know I love you, right?"

-------
You fill my heart like the heavy rain fills the air with its heavy, clean scent. My soul longs for you, as I walk beneath skies darkened with heavy storm clouds. Tiny drops of rain trail from the heavens, caressing my cheek lightly.
You are my siren's song. The pull that I feel toward you is one that I do not have the strength to resist. I don't want to. I love you with a wounded heart which grows stronger with your love tending it. You bring out the part of me that longs to be alive again. I cherish you. I love you. I desire you. I need you.
Thank you for lending your light to me when all I see is darkness. You have saved me in more ways than you realize.

6-13-01
The peace which accompanies a glass of champagne could only be improved by being in the embrace of one who loves me.. Or one who would just let me be ~ me. I long for that again... feeling lingering caresses on my skin as I sleep, and awakening to soft kisses... that feeling of complete security cannot be matched by anything else in the world.

6-18-01
There are some experiences that are worth any sacrifice ~ like him lightly caressing his cheek, or nuzzling his face in my neck, petting my hair, or just holding me in his arms and saying that he loves me with a little smile.
Noah asked today, "Why?" And my answer was that I made a promise, and regardless of the cost, I will keep that promise until I die. I said that I'd be there for him, love him and be his friend. I will not go back on that to save myself some heartache. If I did, what kind of person would I be?
Despite the situation, I know that he will always hold a part of my heart. A-L-W-A-Y-S.
He once told me:
"You are my life,
You are my love,
My sanity,
and my will.
No other, forever."
I say he's worth every single tear.

6-25-01
Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever be truly happy. I know some truly beautiful people, who I deeply love, admire and openly adore, but it seems like there's always a missing element. A huge part of me longs to belong. Belong with someone, or to someone, or ... I'm not even sure what I mean. I can connect to so many people on different levels ... I wonder who will connect to me. I miss the knowledge that I belonged. People love me for who they think I am ... and I am alone.

6-25-01 - A Dream
The darkness seeps in, the light vanishes beneath its caress. My soul aches, caressed by the blackness.
A raven soars across the onyx sky, a shadow on shadows, losing itself in the emptiness.
Precious little light shines as an angel falls to earth.
Perfect. Flawless. The embodiment of beauty, justice and truth.
Piercing eyes look past the facades, straight into the emptiness of my soul. A look of sadness crosses his face, and he draws me into a gentle, caring embrace.
The demons lurk around us, Not daring to come close.
Feeling secure, I close my eyes. Only for a moment...

I awaken.
He is gone.
Light streams through the window.
I attempt to make sense of it all, but fail to.

7-12-01
The darkness seeps in unbidden. My soul both welcomes and fears it.
It is nothing new, I have had it as my constant companion throughout my life. It is all powerful, I have grown to realize. I cannot escape it. I cannot banish it. I can merely pray to the gods that I survive it.
Each dark, deadly wave arrives, uninvitedly crashing upon the splinters of my broken soul.
My heart aches, my head spins, I long to slip away. I pray that no one tries to save me. I lash out too badly at people when they get close, no one could.
The tears flow, for no reason at all. a large wave comes, breaking me jaggedly. I realize that all is lost.

For Erik
The silence perfectly accompanies the ebony night, descending like a raven. As it draws everything into its surrounding embrace, the darkness seems to settle comfortably.
The silence fits like it was tailor made. The darkness outside matches the blackness of my soul, tainted by living.
In the perfect, black silence, I am alone. I should be accustomed to it. I frequently find myself alone, often finding peace in the solitude. It has a certain soothing quality that I often cherish.
Occasionally, someone brings light into my darkness. Someone with maybe a hint of the taint that I know so well. Someone genuine and sweet, who seems to care. Someone who intrigues me, and makes me smile.
I feel blessed, having him in my life. I look forward to getting to know him better. I want another hug. And, I want him to know that he is wonderful, and I admire his honesty.
Thank you, Erik. For everything.

Note: This was the first writing I did specifically FOR anyone. Thank you, Erik, for providing the inspiration.

9/6/01
The darkness of the night masks the existence of the legions of personal demons that haunt my soul. They follow me, anywhere I go. They lead me into the darker blackness, into further oblivion, into the oubliette that is home.
They are, no doubt, well acquainted with one another, sharing my weaknesses and strengths, few though they are, with one another.
They have discontinued their singular attacks, opting instead to attack openly, in groups beyond number.
They tear at my soul until I feel that there is nothing left. I already know I am empty, but I feel so alone - eternally alone.
Light may come, but it is quickly doused by the darkness, the all inclusive, dangerous darkness.
I am powerless against them. They ravage my soul, leaving me tired, broken and alone.
I realize now, as I have in the past (though I try to forget, sometimes) how alone and decimated I am. Sure, I smile, put on a good show, and I'm one of the last people who most would say is immersed in the hell of torture that I call mine daily.
I can be strong, sometimes. It's all too rare, unless I actually listen to my instincts and follow my heart. If I feel taken advantage of, I'll tell you. If I want alone time, there is no doubt that you'd know, because I would tell you, straight up.
I wonder sometimes, if I am deluding myself. If there is really someone who can help me be.. Happy.
I think, trying to remember. Was I ever happy? I don't know - I'd like to think I was, as if happiness was a jewel, stolen from me in the night that is irreplaceable.
I glance in the mirror and wonder if anyone can see that the light in my eyes is dying.
The demons pull me down with them, and darkness takes any and all the space it can. I am lost, I know. My question is whether or not I will be found, before it is too late. I close my eyes, allowing the abyss to claim me, for now.

Index | Carla | Family and Friends | Links | Credit | Photos
This page and all textual content is © AstralStorm.Com, 2002.
Last updated: Tuesday, 22 October, 2002.