Wizard Magazine has an annual contest where readers can make short films, usually comedic, related to the comic book business. My friend Jenny, a film student, and several other friends of ours (actors and geeks alike) have long talked about doing a film for the competition. We’ve never gotten around to it, but we have settled on the script we’d like to do, after I went ahead and wrote several others. Still the ones that we rejected are pretty amusing too – they just may not be as practical – and I’d hate to see them die. So here’s one such “rejected” script, the tale of villains-in-training, would-be world conquerors… basically a few guys that the JSA won’t have to worry about anytime soon. Ladies and gentlemen… The League of Destruction

Open on a random, crappy-looking HOUSE. Text appears, reads “League of Destruction Headquarters. 1 a.m. Probably a Tuesday.”

VOICEOVER: We are the League of Destruction. We are hated and feared throughout the universe.

CUT TO a scrawny dude in GLASSES, speaking to the camera. He is THE COSMIC ANNIHILATOR, AKA NED.

NED: I’m the leader, the Cosmic Annihilator. Um… Ned. And… okay, maybe we haven’t technically terrorized anyone yet, but we’re new. I mean – the Legion of Doom started small, right? But Dr. Malevolence is working on a foolproof scheme for world domination.

CUT to DR. MALEVOLENCE, AKA JOE, who is a tubby dude eating a HOGIE and playing with some HEROCLIX, possibly with a POINTER. A woman, the TOTALLY BADASS CHICK, AKA LESLIE, is watching him.

JOE: So you see, if we can just hit him with the Kryptonite here, he’ll be distracted and we can mop up the rest of them one at a time.

LESLIE: That’s great! Where are we gonna get some Kryptonite?

Beat.

JOE: Okay, I’ve got this other plan…

CUT TO JOE, speaking to camera.

JOE: I’m Dr. Malevolence. People call me Joe. I’m sort of the brains of the outfit.

CUT BACK to JOE and LESLIE at the table. A HEROCLIX is stuck to his hand, which he is waving fiercely.

JOE: I think I glued it to my hand.

CUT TO LESLIE, speaking to camera.

LESLIE: I’m the Totally Badass Chick. Mess with me, and I’ll kill you. Look at me funny, and I’ll kill you. Touch me and—

ERIC walks by and hands her a HELLO KITTY (or something similarly girlie) COFFEE MUG.

ERIC: I put your hot cocoa in your favorite mug. Two marshmallows, just like you like.

LESLIE: (Suddenly bashful.) I’m Leslie.

CUT TO ERIC, speaking to camera.

ERIC: I’m Eric, alias the mighty… the invincible… I haven’t thought of a codename yet. But when I do, it’s gonna be so totally frightening. Um. Boo.

CUT TO ERIC and NED, sitting on a couch.

ERIC: Evil Man?

NED: Dumb.

ERIC: Doctor Doom?

NED: Taken.

ERIC: Temblor, Master of the Earthquake?

NED: Okay, can you actually create an earthquake?

CUT TO NED, speaking to camera.

NED: We are a new group. We’re studying, we’re learning from those who came before us.

CUT TO THE GUYS on the COUCH, all reading.

JOE: (Reading OTHER PEOPLE’S HEROES, and dammit, I’m gonna plug my book if it kills me) This would never work.

NED: (Reading a vintage BATMAN COMIC BOOK) Why would the Joker just leave after he tied them up in the gas chamber?

ERIC, reading WATCHMEN, is laughing hysterically. The BOOK falls away to reveal an ARCHIE COMIC.

CUT TO NED, speaking to camera.

NED: We are arming ourselves.

CUT TO the “League” proudly displaying their supervillain paraphernalia.

JOE: This is a Qwardian yellow power ring. I stripped it from Sinestro’s festering corpse!

LESLIE: Oh yeah? This is a cigar I stole from the Red Skull. If I blow this smoke in your face, your head will shrivel up and shrink down to the skeleton!

ERIC: That’s nothing! This is my page of original art from “Midnight Nation” #12! (Sniffs.) It’s the page where David gives Laurel his soul!

A single TEAR rolls down his cheek. The others are all staring at him like he’s a complete moron.

ERIC: What?

NED: Dude. We’re evil.

CUT TO JOE, speaking to camera.

JOE: We’re working on getting some henchmen together as well.

CUT TO OUTSIDE, DAY. The GUYS spot a HOT GIRL approaching, walking down the street.

NED: Hey, baby.

ERIC: We’re evil.

JOE: And we’re taking applications.

The GIRL looks at them in disgust and keeps walking. The CAMERA pans, following her, panning onto LESLIE, who is watching the spectacle with a similar face of disgust.

LESLIE: Sad.

CUT TO JOE, speaking to camera.

JOE: And we analyze our enemies. Find their weak spot.

CUT TO the “League” as JOE quizzes his teammates.

JOE: Superman!

ERIC: Kryptonite!

JOE: Green Lantern!

NED: Yellow!

JOE: Batman!

LESLIE: Chicks in black leather!

CUT TO NED, speaking to camera.

NED: We all have our own inspirations. Our own reasons for being here. I know for me, it all happened one particular day…

CUT TO a close-up of two HANDS playing with ACTION FIGURES. NED is holding a GREEN GOBLIN, ERIC has SPIDER-MAN. Text appears reading, “Dramatic reenactment.”

ERIC: (As Spider-Man) Ha-ha! Look out, Green Goblin! I will capture you in my usual fashion, with wanton disregard for public property and innocent civilians!

NED: (As Green Goblin) Leave me alone, Spider-Man! I only robbed that bank so I could pay for my mother’s gall bladder operation and feed that poor, homeless puppy I found on the street!

They fight.

ERIC: (Sticking his other hand on-camera, holding a CLARK KENT action figure) Hello. I am a random innocent bystander, minding my own business. Oh no! It’s Spider-Man!

They fight some more. CLARK is struck by some form of DEBRIS, caused by SPIDEY.

ERIC: (As CK) Oh no! If only I had super powers of my own! (Dies.)

NED: (As GG) No! This was between us, Spider-Man! Curse you!

CUT TO NED and ERIC.

NED: And the man who died that day… was me.

ERIC: No it wasn’t dude.

NED: Oh. Well… why are we doing this?

CUT TO LESLIE, speaking to camera.

LESLIE: We each have our own serious, deep reasons for being here.

CUT TO ERIC and NED on the COUCH. NED is now sitting on the floor. ERIC is still on the couch, but upside-down.

ERIC: Starkiller.

NED: Taken.

ERIC: Anarchy.

NED: Taken.

ERIC: Lex Luthor.

NED: Taken.

CUT TO JOE, CLOSE-UP, fondling a ROGUE HEROCLIX FIGURE in a fashion that, in and of itself, is not inappropriate, but suggests that it will lapse into the inappropriate the instant people stop looking.

JOE: Rogue. (Sniff). Oh, Rogue, come back to the dark side so we can be together.

CUT TO LESLIE, on the PHONE.

LESLIE: No, Mom. No, I don’t care if Daddy needs a dental assistant, I’m a super-villain now! No, I don’t want to use a costume from one of my old dance recitals!

CUT TO the “League,” posing in an allegedly intimidating configuration, as NED’s final voiceover rolls.

NED (Voiceover): But we’ll go to any length, conquer any challenge, and in the end, we will be feared and despised throughout the world.

ERIC: (Breaking pose) Brother Voodoo?

NED: Shut up.

FADE TO BLACK.