Wizard Magazine has an annual contest where readers can make short films, usually comedic, related to the comic book business. My friend Jenny, a film student, and several other friends of ours (actors and geeks alike) have long talked about doing a film for the competition. We’ve never gotten around to it, but we have settled on the script we’d like to do, after I went ahead and wrote several others. Still the ones that we rejected are pretty amusing too – they just may not be as practical – and I’d hate to see them die. So here’s one such “rejected” script, the tale of heroes past their prime… the story of Spandex Heights

OPEN ON REPORTER, who resembles nothing so much as a used car salesman, and is standing before a harmless-yet-official looking old building.

REPORTER: It may look like your average retirement community, but it’s not. It’s a place of rest and reward for those who have given us so much over the years. A palace of protectors. A gateway of the gods. A watchman’s weward. Yes, today we are here to tell you why Spandex Heights is the premiere retirement community for your superhero-or-heroine past their prime.

A title card appears, reading “SPANDEX HEIGHTS: A WLEX special report.” CUT TO room full of old people that are clearly supposed to be aged versions of superheroes. We will speak to several of them at some point. There are also a few staff members – NURSES, ORDERLIES. The camera stops on an OLD MAN and a namecard appears on the screen. It reads: “Clint ‘Hawkeye’ (Not the one from M*A*S*H) Barton”.

CLINT: How did I wind up in Spandex Heights? Well, one day I was throwing back a few drinks with Ollie Queen, and one thing led to another and he dared me to do the old William Tell routine. I used to be able to do that in my sleep, but… I guess my reflexes got dull. My aim is shot. I knew it was time to hang up the bow and arrows. But Spandex Heights was ready to take me in.

Second OLD MAN enters frame. He has an eyepatch. Card reads “Oliver ‘Green Arrow’ Queen.”

OLLIE: Took us both in, Clint.

CUT TO ADMINISTRATOR, preferably in a professional-looking OFFICE. Henceforth when the ADMIN speaks, the director can use her discretion as to whether she wishes to cut to him in the office or use him as a voiceover.

ADMIN: We take our responsibilities very seriously here at Spandex Heights. These are people who have devoted their lives to protecting the world. We owe it to them to provide them what they need in their retirement.

CUT TO COMMON ROOM. An OLD MAN is trying to wrap his hand in TIN FOIL.

NURSE: Mr. Stark?

STARK: Can you get me some servo motors, a nuclear fission cell and… some rubber bands?

ADMIN: We pride ourselves on our clientele. We provide comfort and succor for some of the finest warriors on Earth.

CUT TO MAN in an RED JUMPSUIT. Card says “Wally ‘Flash’ West.”

WALLY: My name is Wally… West. They called me… the fastest… (pause) man… (long pause) alive.

CUT TO OLLIE, speaking to camera. Behind him a WOMAN periodically appears and disappears.

OLLIE: It’s hard to adjust to retirement, yeah, but – what? Oh, that’s just Mrs. Richards. She’s having flashes, y’know? Happens at her age.

ADMIN: These are strong, active people, so we try to provide them with activities. Ways to fill their time.

CUT TO room of people READING. One MAN is holding a copy of OTHER PEOPLE’S HEROES BY BLAKE M. PETIT (Permit me my shameless plug, if you will). Card reads “Bruce ‘Batman’ Wayne.”

NURSE: How are you enjoying your book, Mr. Wayne?

BRUCE hurls the book angrily to the ground.

BRUCE: This book is nothing but lies! Lies, I tell you!

ADMIN: Of course, many of our residents requite a more physical way to pass the time.

CUT TO COURTYARD, where a TWISTER MAT is set up.

CLINT: No, I’m not playing Twister again! O’Brien always cheats!

O’BRIEN steps forward. He’s an old man whose FACE droops like it is made of SILLY PUTTY. Card reads “Eel ‘Plastic Man’ O’Brien.”

O’BRIEN: I do not cheat!

CLINT: Like fun you don’t! The rules say no powers!

O’BRIEN: Well it’s not like I can turn it off! What are you going to do, shoot me with a Geritol arrow?

ADMIN: They’re a well-mannered, professional group.

OLD BRUCE WAYNE: Heh. Remember that time I beat you in the sewers?

OLD STEVE ROGERS: You beat me? That was just a popularity contest!

ADMIN: And we’re very careful to tend to the specific and sometime unique needs of our residents.

CUT TO ORDERLY holding PLATES OF FOOD.

ORDERLY: Okay, who gets the Kosher meal and who gets the roast Thanagarian Snare Beast?

ADMIN: And like any other facility, we have our own, unique problems. I have worked at Shady Pines, at Laurel Valley… this is the first assisted living center I’ve ever seen with its own resident Xenobiologist.

CUT TO XENOBIOLOGIST straddling a BODY covered with BLANKETS. The XENOBIOLOGIST is holding DEFIBRELLATOR PADDLES.

XENOBIOLOGIST: Clear!

XENOBIOLOGIST shocks the patient and his entire body jumps. A MONITOR begins beeping and a GREEN HAND extends from the blankets, picks up an OREO COOKIE from the TABLE and slips back under the covers.

REPORTER: But not everything here is quiet and peaceful, is it?

ADMIN: Well, we do have a lot of volatile personalities in close quarters. There’s bound to be the occasional dust-up.

CUT TO CLINT and OLLIE arguing.

OLLIE: Ah, you were never any good anyway!

CLINT: I was the best! I was better than you.

OLLIE: My foot! You wouldn’t have gotten out of the carnival if you didn’t have Stark making fancy arrows for you!

CLINT: Oh yeah, Mr. Boxing Glove Arrow? Wanna take this outside?

ADMIN: And, like in all retirement communities, it’s a tragedy when a member of the family passes away. In our facility, however, the patients don’t always… um… remain… deceased. Just as we’re starting for recover, emotionally, from the loss, they show up during Arts and Crafts wanting to make a potholder or a sonic neuralizer. It’s gotten to the point where we schedule a memorial service for Dr. Jean Grey every other Wednesday.

REPORTER: Outside of the scheduled activities and the various conflicts, what do your residents do to occupy their time?

ADMIN: Well, they all have their own interests, of course.

CUT TO a MAN wearing a CROWN, staring at an AQUARIUM with such blind interest one might suspect there are pictures of naked women in it. A NURSE approaches him.

NURSE: Your majesty? King Arthur? It’s time for your pills.

Card reads “Arthur ‘Aquaman’ Curry.”

ARTHUR: Not now… talking to my friend.

NURSE: Your friend?

ARTHUR: He says his name is Steve.

NURSE: Oh. And is Steve here now?

ARTHUR points to a random fish in the aquarium.

ARTHUR: Shh. He’s trying to make it with Frieda over there.

REPORTER: Spandex Heights. A place for warriors to rest.

CUT TO the TWISTER MAT, where CLINT has O’BRIEN in a headlock.

REPORTER: A place for those who deserve a rest.

CUT TO ARTHUR, sleeping. STARK sneaks up and steals his CROWN.

REPORTER: A place where these champions, at long last, can be themselves.

CUT TO WALLY, staggering along in a WALKER.

WALLY: Wheeeeee!

REPORTER: A place where these warriors, who have been through so much, can finally be at peace.

CUT TO shot of OLLIE and CLINT, grinning, arms around each other’s shoulders. Oh – and now OLLIE is wearing TWO EYEPATCHES. FADE OUT.

All characters are ™ and © Marvel Comics and DC Comics. This is clearly a parody. Please don’t sue me.