This was, in fact, the first of the scripts I wrote for Wizard's video contest, but it was quickly rejected. There are funny bits in here, but I thought the overall subject matter was too serious to poke fun at the way I do here. So if you hit something you think is in bad taste, remember, I think so too. Still, the idea of superheroes being subjected to the pop psychology babble of a certain talk show host still gets a giggle from me, so...

ANNOUNCER: Today, on a very special “Dr. Phil…”

OPEN ON a crazed, black-haired man sitting on the set. A label appears at the bottom of the screen which says “FRANK. Family killed by criminals.” …

FRANK: We were just on a picnic in the park. My wife made her special potato salad. My son wanted to fly his kite. My dog, Scruffy, was peeing on things. (Chokes.) And they took all that away from me. …

ANNOUNCER: We all remember the victims of crime. …

CUT TO another crazed, albeit well-dressed man. His label reads “BRUCE. Parents killed by a mugger.” …

BRUCE: (Emotionlessly) We had just seen a movie. Zorro. Zorro wears a mask, you know. …

ANNOUNCER: But what happens to those they leave behind? …

CUT TO a teenager in Coke-bottle glasses. The label is “PETER. Uncle killed by extremely coincidental burglar.” …

PETER: We’d just had a big fight. (Sniffs.) I told him he wasn’t really my father. I never got to say I was sorry. …

A STAGEHAND rushes on-camera, whispers something to PETER and rushes off. …

PETER: Oh, sorry, that was just in the movie version. No, we got along great. …

DR. PHIL: And how did you feel when he was gone, Peter? …

PETER: It was like I lost a part of myself. You know, the old, wrinkly part with the really long nose hairs. I lost that part. …

CAMERA now cuts back and forth between DR. PHIL and the various GUESTS. …

DR. PHIL: That wasn’t your first experience with tragedy though, was it Frank? …

FRANK: Oh heck no, Doc. I was in the army, you know. I saw a lot of action. You spend a few days wallowing in the mud, Charlie’s bullets zipping over your head… that’s how you find out what you’re really made of. …

DR. PHIL: Do you think those experiences could have affected you, Frank? …

PULL BACK to reveal an ENORMOUS GUN in Frank’s lap, not to mention the GRENADES dangling from his BELT, BAYONETS strapped to his legs, etc. …

FRANK: What makes you say that? …

DR. PHIL: But you can’t let your own personal tragedies define you! You’ve taken your grief and shaped the world around you. …

BRUCE: Have not. …

DR. PHIL: Face it, Bruce. You got no family. You got no friends. Your life is a meaningless parade of woman after woman, none of them lasting more than an issue or two. …

BRUCE: I have Alfred. …

DR. PHIL: So you equate having a manservant with having some sort of life? …

BRUCE: (Beat) I like Alfred. …

PETER: You know, Ben was so gentle. So good. He was the father I never had. …

DR. PHIL: What did happen to your father, Peter? …

PETER: Oh, he was a spy who got shot down by Nazis or some sort of shapeshifter clone or something, I can’t remember anymore. …

DR. PHIL: It sounds like you have some unresolved issues with your father. …

PETER: Oh sure, a lot of people have unresolved issues. Most people I know stopped buying them around the time my aunt died – well, we thought she was my aunt, but she turned out to be my aunt’s clone – and didn’t start again until that guy from Babylon 5 told me I was the reincarnation of some sort of spider-god. …

DR. PHIL: (Beat) . Okaaaay… What about your love life? …

PETER: Oh it’s pretty good. My wife just came back to me after a separation because I thought she was dead, so, y’know, that’s pretty good. Oh sure, Gwen’s dead, and the general consensus is that I’m responsible for that. Liz married my best friend who was also my arch-enemy’s son who subsequently became my arch enemy. Betty married my temporary arch-enemy and got brainwashed and joined a cult. Oh, and my ex-girlfriend the cat burglar has been hitting on me lately. But don’t tell Mary Jane, okay? …

DR. PHIL: Peter, I’m going to give you the number of a specialist……

FRANK: Wait a minute, you’re responsible for your girlfriend’s death? …

PETER: Well it was a pretty long fall, you know, and I was just trying to catch her. Thought I had her, too, but then someone wrote that “snap” in the air in big red letters……

FRANK cocks his GUN. …

BRUCE: I have a life, you know. I have family. Dick. Jason. Tim. …

PETER: Oh, so you’re a little… (waggles hand in the air).

BRUCE: They’re my partners.

PETER: Hey, whatever you want to call it.

DR. PHIL: Bruce, do you want to talk about your partners?

BRUCE: Would you stop saying it like that?

DR. PHIL: You seem to have multiple partners, Bruce. Don’t you realize what sort of havoc this promiscuous lifestyle is going to wreak on you?

BRUCE: Look, I only have one partner at a time.

FRANK: Oh, here we go.

DR. PHIL: So you can’t maintain a relationship, Bruce?

BRUCE: Look, Dick left me after the clown shot him in the shoulder. Then the clown blew up a building around Jason. And shot Barbara in the spine.

PETER: Ah, so you go both ways.

DR. PHIL: Frank, what about you, what about the people in your life?

FRANK: My life? There’s no one in my life. Life like mine, you can’t afford to have people in it. I live day-to-day. In the shadows. Even did Heaven’s dirty work for a while, you know that?

PETER: I thought that got retconned.

FRANK: Naw, just dismissed by Garth Ennis. That’s almost as good.

BRUCE: I mean really, just because I’m in my 40s… thin… single…

PETER: Don’t forget how you come running whenever someone flashes that shiny light of yours.

BRUCE: Stop helping.

FRANK: I don’t care if it takes me until the end of time, I’ll kill them all. The Kingpin. Jigsaw. Arseface.

The STAGEHAND whispers something to FRANK.

FRANK: Darn it. Sorry.

DR. PHIL: You’re doing it again, aren’t you Frank? You’re letting your anger take over. Is that what you want? Do you want to spend the rest of your life being angry?

FRANK: Yes.

DR. PHIL: No you don’t Frank. Now I want you to repeat after me. “I am not a weapon.”

FRANK: But I am a—

DR. PHIL: Repeat after me, Frank!

FRANK: “I am not a weapon.”

DR. PHIL: “I am a human being.”

FRANK: “I am an engine of--”

DR. PHIL: Frank…

FRANK: “I am a human being.”

DR. PHIL: “I have feelings and emotions, and that’s okay.”

FRANK: “I have feelings and emotions, and that’s okay.”

DR. PHIL: “I’m gonna be the best Frank I can be.”

FRANK: “I’m gonna--”

BRUCE: Wow. This is so gay.

ANNOUNCER: Guests of Dr. Phil fly Quinjet Air – when you absolutely, positively have to save the world overnight.

DR. PHIL: Join me again tomorrow when our subject will be, “I’m handicapped, but I can be a hero too.” Our special guests will be Professor Charles Xavier, attorney Matt Murdock and Barbara Gordon, who’s a… I dunno, a librarian or something.

PETER: Wasn’t she in congress?

BRUCE: That got retconned.

PETER: I just can’t keep track anymore.

ANNOUNCER: Bruce’s wardrobe provided by Selina’s Leather Emporium. Frank’s armory provided by the Microchip Workshop. Dr. Phil’s head by Turtle Wax.