Defective
Date: 11/9/99
(Parts of an email I sent to a friend)

Ok, I'm in a mood. Not a bad one, either. But one, rather, of saying, "fuck you world, I am here, and I ain't leaving till I decide to leave." So, I half write this to you, and half to me.

I sometimes alternate from feeling completely useless and even helpless to feeling the exact opposite. Like the other day when I was working on something that needed two hands to hold on to. I reached with my left, and 10-20 seconds later my right hand reached its limits and was useless. And I looked at it for a moment and a flash of hatred came over me. It was brief, but it was there. And I thought to myself, how much more of this can I take. Simple things people take for granted, I cannot do. A five year old is stronger than my right hand and arm. It is a useless limb on my body. And then I think of how I walk. With a limp that everyone notices. Actually, I laugh at that so frequently. So many people approach me like I've the plague and after knowing me for months will ask, "can I ask you something personal?" Sure, what? "What's wrong with your leg." My answer? "I'm defective, and I'm past the 90 day guarantee. Damn registration card, I forgot to send it in and cannot get customer service to fix the problem." I explain it to them and then they say, "oh, well it's not that noticeable." Ha! Bullshit, if it were not noticeable you would not ask me about it.

And yet there was a moment of innocence among the sex offender developmentally delayed adolescents I worked with. They asked me. No fancy language, no cover-ups. "Mr. ---------, can I ask you a question, I hope you won't get mad." What? "What is wrong with your leg and arm, cause I noticed you walk funny (weird/limping/etc)." Ha. I gave them the best explanation. I went through it and pointed out the body parts that were fucked up. I showed them on their arm what was different. I compared my arm to theirs. They learned more about anatomy than almost anyone else who asked. And then they said the coolest things. "It's ok Mr. ---------, everyone is different." "It's ok Mr. --------- I don't think it makes you less of a person." "It's ok Mr. ---------, I was just curious because I didn't know why." "It's ok Mr. ---------, I think you are a great person still." Beautiful. Simplicity. Honesty. Yeah, sure, some of them were just predators searching for something to keep until it would serve their purposes (ha, the little bastard). But most were genuinely interested.

Wow, what a tangent. Or was it? I don't know, maybe you can find some meaning in that, maybe it means nothing to you.

on to other things. And yet in my feelings of inferiority, the opposite surfaces as well. Fuck you, I can do it, and I'm defective! Ha! Give me your stupid test/challenge, and I'll fuckin do it or die trying. Do you (other people) have that in you? Could you do it? Would you? What would happen to you? Fuck you and your beliefs that I can't do it. I'll do it and I'll do it better than you. And if I don't what will I do? Think about dying and wanting to die, who knows maybe even plan it a bit. And what will you know? Not a goddamn thing. You'll just think I failed and I'm pissed and determined. And I will be those too.... and that is why I won't give you the satisfaction of dying.

So the hell with what anyone else thinks. I'll do what I am going to do. If you like it, cool, if not, tough shit. I just keep saying that to myself, and sometimes, usually, I believe it.