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Most people seem to tolerate these products, but if you don't know somebody who at least gets a headache from one or another of them, I'd be very surprised. People didn't evolve to handle the petroleum-based synthetic chemicals that pervade modern life, and as marketers push weirder and weirder products on us, it just gets worse. So remember: just because it doesn't make you sick doesn't mean it isn't putting an unnecessary load on your liver or your friends' livers. Even if you are able to tolerate all this stuff until the day you die, those of us who don't really appreciate your avoiding it for our sakes.

Aka dryer sheets. Since it's in a cardboard package, whatever-the-heck-is-in-there leaks out and permeates any store that carries it. I hear it's a nerve agent, which sounds reasonable to me because I, personally, begin bumping into things about thirty seconds after I enter such a store. By about two minutes in, my husband has to steer me, unless he and the other patrons want to watch slow-motion human pinball.

Herbicides give some of my friends seizures. Pull weeds like granddad did. It works like a charm, and even small children can get into it. It's playing in the dirt; that's high entertainment. Borrow a kid if you have to.

Most of us handle pesticides the same way we do herbicides, which is to say, we get reactions like seizures. Keep this information in mind if you like to get your house sprayed every three months. There are people who spray all the time in Tucson, and we have something like six mosquitos in the whole state.

Save your money! Marketers would have you believe that you need at least a half a cup of detergent to get your clothes clean. In reality, you need at least half a cup to get your clothes smelling like their product. You only need about a tablespoon of actual soap. If you want your clothes to smell 'April fresh,' hang them up outside. Don't smell like marketers told you to, and don't use so much detergent; it doesn't really make a difference unless you're working with oil stains. I'll give you special dispensation for oil stains.

Since I've started using borax in my laundry, the old detergent residue is coming out, and my stuff is softer than it's ever been. Towels and flannels come out really fluffy, and I can't imagine anyone would need a fabric softener if they weren't coating their stuff in detergent residue.

There is no excuse for these products. If something smells bad, fix the problem. If you just like the way these things smell, please be advised that the chemicals in them are not at all good for you, and I can smell them. The chemicals, I mean. Imagine what your house or car smells like to me.

While I'm on the topic, the Glade air freshener products, particularly the plug-ins, soak into the walls of your house, poisoning it for much longer than the product lasts. The more people get sick, the fewer will be able to come in your house, ever. Not to sound overly alarmist, but when we were looking for a house, I ruled out any houses with air fresheners, scented candles, or new carpet. The pickings were slim.

Want your house to smell like lavender? Get some lavender. Pumpkin pie? Cinnamon? Vanilla? Ok, vanilla's a little harder, but get a vanilla bean and boil it or something.

Seriously, scented candles are always near the register at the organic food stores, and the chemicals go right through my stupid mask, so I always go outside and make my husband pay for our food. If everybody stopped buying those candles, I wouldn't have to deal with them in the store.

You knew I was going to get to these, right? EIs hate perfume and cologne because they make us sick. It is not a preference, it's that being sick sucks.

There is one perfume that I can't tell you the name of because it makes me homicidal so fast that I can't ask what it is. I can at least recognize that I'm homicidal because I inhaled something, so I leave the area. I do have an antidote, and given the antidote, I recover almost instantly and am pretty much fine but tired.

Ok, fine but tired, and really freaking annoyed that people wear that stuff, whatever it is.