Back to the Basics
The American life isn't quite what it use to be these days. Well most of us still live in our nice comfortable homes, but that's about all we can afford. With the economy taking a nose dive our expenses have gone through the roof! So today I'm pondering how life will look if we strip it down to the basics. What do we need to part with so that we can pay for our house, utilities, food, and gas? Looks like we'll have to get creative with home renovations, entertainment, exercise, and transportation. It doesn't sound so bad, but parting with the little details, or luxurys we come to enjoy regularly can be painful. Really when I step back and look some of them seem excessive. What did they buy us anyway, temporary happiness. I don't think that's the way life was meant to be. It's easy to get angry, but that's not who I want to be either. I'll just dive in head first with my eyes open and embrace the change.

Well the good news is love is free! Maybe this is the season for spending more time with family, friends, and listening to God. I think this could be a good thing.

This season in life has been pretty rocky. Being a mother of two middle-schoolers isn't easy. It seems like just a short time ago the kids were running around making us laugh, being silly and adorably cute. Those adorable blonde curls bouncing in the sunlight while running and laughing. The snuggle moments on the couch. The laughing 'til our stomachs hurt. I still see glimpses of these days every once and a while but the majority of the days are quite different now.

What does a mother do when her child doesn't want to spend time or like her anymore? All they want to do is text with their friends, hang out with their friends, talk on the phone with friends, or play video games with friends. What just happened? How did this happen? I'm not ready for this stage yet. Can I rewind for just a day? Where did my sweet child go? I have no idea where this attitude came from, it just appeared one day--will it disappear any day soon?

I'm not sure what to do at this point. Do I accept it and go with it? Will my heart continue to break every single day? All I know to do is pray. We'll see what happens.

Since we moved to Oside 3 1/2 years ago I have enjoyed life at a much slower pace. Our family used to have something scheduled almost every night of the week, usually related to church. It took a while to adjust to life in the slow lane, but I grew to love and appreciate it; I discovered this relaxing pace gave me time think, rest, apprecaite my family, and an open ear to hear God.

I went back to school about 3-4 months ago and life has been a blur ever since. I feel that God has opened the door for me to finish my schooling, but I don't like the business it's created in my life. I miss the time I used to be able to spend with family and friends; I miss pure mental relaxation on the weekends; most of all I miss spending time with God. Since going back to school I have somehow taken God off the priority list and have neglected to spend much time with Him. In spite of my lameness, He has not forgotten me, in fact in His loving gentle way He has spoken to me many times. I keep hearing His wisper in my ear reminding me how much He truly loves and cares for me.

It amazes me how easily I turn the focus on me. Why am I so dang selfish, a self-centered, self-worshiping human? How do I understand the big picture one moment yet turn the cameras inward the next? I wish I could tatoo in my mind that this is God's story, not mine. Nevertheless, I am grateful that He has reveled to me my sin; now I can repent and start anew.

I received this email devotional this morning in my inbox and it really hit me, this is so important in our House Churches and our relationships. If we're not being honest and real with each other during both the highs and lows of life we're missing out on truly loving each other. I hope this speaks to you too.

Admitting It
M. Scott Peck

Community requires the confession of brokenness. But how remarkable it is that in our culture brokenness must be “confessed.” We think of confession as an act that should be carried out in secret, in the darkness of the confessional, with the guarantee of professional priestly or psychiatric confidentiality. Yet the reality is that every human being is broken and vulnerable. How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weaknesses to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others. But even more important is the LOVE that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness.

At Matthew's House, one of our elder friends Glenn is teaching some basic truths about God in a discipleship class. This has been an amazing experience for me. I don't even know where to begin; God has revealed so much truth to me through Glenn. I am seeing God and everything in a whole new light.

I am only beginning to understand the nature of God, it is really hard to comprehend his vastness. He is love, agape love and everything he does and says streams from that. I want to experience more of this love through me, I'm starting to feel it more and more often, I can tell by the way I think and feel towards others. I'm beginning to see them a little more like God does. This blows me away, I have been trying for years to be more like God and just couldn't do it, I think now that I have resigned to the fact that I can not do this on my own, that his love shines through me.

Through Glenn's class God has also brought some things to my attention—things in my life that he wants me to repent of and receive healing and wholeness. I have about 8 major things on my list to pray for right now; thinking I have so much stuff to deal with almost sounds overwhelming, but the weird thing is that is doesn't feel that way at all. I feel excitement inside, I feel like God wants to give me the gift of healing in these areas it's really cool, I feel so much joy inside.

Last night at our class one of the girls attending shared her story. Wow, talk about the worst of the worst—she has been through it! God is doing some amazing healing in her life, several counselors had told her the best the could offer her were some coping mechanisms that she couldn't overcome the damage done to her as a child, but guess what they were wrong, and she is being healed. She said last night that if she could change the past she wouldn't because of the amazing things God has done in her life through the struggle and pain. Wow, God can do anything in any of our lives!

So that's what I've been thinking about today...God's amazing agape love and how that can heal anything and anyone.

Today I received this devotional via email, I got hung up on the first line. I really have a hard time with Christians who think this way. Here is what it said:

Free Yourself
Eberhard Arnold

Difficulties should not depress or divert us. The cause that has gripped us is so great that the small weaknesses of individuals cannot destroy it. Therefore I ask you only one thing: do not be so worried about yourself. Free yourself from all your plans and aims. They occupy you far too much. Surrender yourself to the sun, the rain, and the wind, as do the flowers and the birds. Surrender yourself to God. Wish for nothing but one thing: that his will be done, that his kingdom come, and that his nature be revealed. Then all will be well.

Here is my response:

I'm really tired of Christians telling us not to feel. When you go through tough stuff ignore the feelings that go along with it and focus on God. I have been through some really hard times, and I have learned that in the pain, depression, when life truly sucked that God was there and touched my heart deeply. I believe you must face your feelings head on, embrace them to let God truly heal you. There's a season for everything. I challenge you to let God meet you where no one else can, you'll be amazed at the miracle that happens in your life.

There's something that's been ringing in my ear for quite some time now...struggle is a gift, without it we think we can do it on our own, we forget who made it all possible. I think this is a lesson I have been learning for a long time now. The owner of the company where I work Ken, left this thought in a voicemail about a month ago, I had to write it down, that's what God's been teaching me, wow! I think of this almost on a daily basis these days...it's amazing how quickly I forget, when my day gets hard, and I get frustrated and want to go back to my kushy old-life. Then I remember where I was back then and I see how much God has done in my life and in the lives of the people around me. If I hadn't had stuggled I think I would have lost heart and passion long ago. I would had not experienced God in such a real way, from a place where he was all I had left. Thanks God, you're amazing! And thanks for reminding me of this today.

"Figure out what will please Christ, and then do it." Ephesians 5:9
It sounds simple enough, but wow, how I complicate life.

Well life's saga has mellowed for a brief moment in time. It's all going pretty good, oh maybe it's just God's peace that I've grabbed on to for a few minutes. Kevyn lost his job a few months back, it's been a pretty stressful time. Believe it or not we haven't missed a bill. God has totally taken care of us. We've definately been on a journey of learning how to trust him, day by day, moment by moment. I kinda get the feeling that this will be a life journey. The strange thing is that everyone in our house church is on this same journey. It's so cool to see God's faithfulness in each of our lives. With Kevyn being out of work he has stumbled onto a new business that he loves, this is so cool to see, he was very restless at his old job, it was a workplace filled with "christian greed" rather than love, I won't get into that but it was ugly.

At House Church a week ago Rick asked us to think about what we wanted to ask God for this coming year. For me I would like to see life and people more through God's eyes. I guess wheither good or bad circumstances that I would see more of God's work dispite the obvious pain or pleasure. And I'm also asking that I see people with more of God's love. To care in a deeper way. To see the beauty and kindness in the hearts of people. To let go of past hurt and pain, forgive and focus on serving others regardless how they have treated me. To embrace God, be obedient to what he asks me to to do and see what he does. To give up control and give it to him. I think that's enough for now, that's what's on my heart for this season in life. I can't wait to see what he does.

The journey of life, wow sometimes it's overwhelming. Down in the dumps one day, flying high the next. So much drama, somedays I wish it would just mellow-out, I'm tired of the saga, but then life would seem dull, meaningless. What's up with that? Why do we struggle so much? Why are my friends so confused, why am I? Looking life straight in the eye is tough. I guess I'd rather do that than the alternative, act happy, put on my little Christian mask and act like everything is wonderful, mask the pain but hurt so deeply inside and feel like I can't share that part of me with anyone, I'm a freak if I do. Been there, I lived that life for too long. So where am I now, don't know, but I feel like I'm telling the truth to myself and those I love. I feel so much more freedom to be me and to love others that are like me, imperfect. I'm still searching desperately for God, I see glimpses of him everyday...the sunset, the rain, a smile, my children. He's in my heart, I know him, but I long to sit in his presence all day, everyday. Is that possible, maybe not until heaven, I'm too human to the core. The battle inside me is never-ending. I'm tired, I'm going to bed.

Life is hard, a lot of the time. Today was hard. I'm so glad I have God's grace. How hopeless would life be without God! I think he is tring to teach me contentment with just that, his grace. Isn't that all we really need in life? Ya, but sometimes, well most of the time it's really hard.

These past few days have been rough for me. I have been processing some of the pain from my past. I hate these days, they are rough, but going through these times God has done so much in me, so I will embrace them. I know God is up to something, I can feel it, I just don't know what. I'm trying to trust God, but it's really hard. I trust him in my head, I know he has a plan but my heart is scared--I don't want to go through any more pain!

I read this yesterday in my devotional book, and it's been in my head ever since.

"I Choose Love...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrents bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.
I Choose Joy...
I will invite God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.
I Choose Peace...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I'm working on giving these to God, the love and the forgiveness thing, I can't do this on my own.

This past week at House Church was awesome. Rick asked us bring a list that responded to the statements, God I love you because... and God I love you in spite of... Wow what a night. It brought tears to my eyes to hear the hearts of my friends express their love for God. I loved hearing a piece of what God means to each person, it truely touched my heart. My personal time with God expressing my heart to God was very meaningful too. I realized it had been a while since I had laid my heart out and truely expressed my love and passion for God.

God I love you because... You have loved me. You have pursued me when I have run from you. You have forgiven me when I have chosen to ignore you. You have embraced me when I was empty. You held me whe I was alone. You've turned ugliness into beauty. You've turned pain into strength. You have been there when there's been no other. You have loved me so deeply--I can't help but love you. Your love is so pure, mine is so shallow, I give you my heart the best I know how. I give you my heart in spite of my humanness. I give it to you no matter what happens. I'll love you forever because you are love.

It's been a full week so far. Monday I lunched with Brooke my accountability partner. She's the best I love spending time with her, she has such a heart for loving people. I'm looking forward to many great moments with her. We're going to read the book Braveheart together, it's about relationships, and how to love with full abondon. I'm sure this will inspire many rich conversations between us.

Monday evening I started a discipleship group with an old friend. This is a new one for me. I don't know that I've ever discipled anyone before one-on-one. It went well, I know this is something God wants me to do right now, so I'm going for it. We'll see what he does. I'm sure God will teach both of us a lot.

Last night was really cool too. My friend Sara from work invited me and a few other girls over for dinner. Friday Sara and I had lunch together. She's so cool, she told me her story and was really honest about a lot of tough stuff she's been through. I think she's amazing, she left her old life because she didn't like where it was headed and moved out here not knowing anyone except her family. That takes so much courage. Well dinner last night was cool. Her family is so generous and sweet, I see where she gets it from. I look forward to hanging out with her again!

And finally to today. I lunched with another friend. We had a great talk. She's been struggling lately. I had to say some really honest things to her. It's always hard for me to do this, but it went well. I think she received it in love, she already knew everything I said to her, but she appreciated me saying it. We talked about her being discipled by a friend of ours. I think it would be awesome for her, she's really excited. I know she really loves God so much, she's just been distracted a bit lately. That happens to me too. Well I think this is it for now on having to confront people. I don't enjoy this, but it's getting easier, and when you love someone you can't not tell them the truth.

Well it's Monday again, the weekend always flies by and then it's back to work.

We had a great time a the Connection last night. God was really there. We had a rough start, it seemed like nobody was participating, we were just going through the motions. Then after Rick's talk we began singing, then we stopped. I love Rick's sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, we waited. We waited for a while, an uncomfortable amount of time. We knew God had something to say to us. Then we began to share. I think it was Jay who started, then Joel, then I shared, then Joy and it went around again. It was rad how God was doing the same thing in all of our hearts. God had been knocking on our hearts asking us as elders to lead, to love, and to tell the truth. We talked about accountability, we talked about the responsibility of the family to share with one another, and we talked about loving each other. We talked about sin, the junk in our lives that was separating us from God. Then we prayed, laid hands on each other, loved each other, and worshiped and loved God. It was really cool. We'll see what God does from here.

I am really stoked to start my blog, I have been wanting to do this for a long time. I have been really inspired by reading my friend's Jason, Brooke, and Matt's.

Well where am I at today? Good question. This last week has been a rough one. The drama in my life has finally settled, at least for the time being. God has taught me tons in the last few years on this journey. But this week he has really put on my heart to lead and love some friends that are really hurting and struggling big time. I had to say some hard things to a good friend yesterday, it wasn't easy, but I knew God was asking me to. I don't embrace this one easily. I have seen so many christians jump on others in such a hurtful and judgemental way that I really shy away from this. God has really been putting on my heart the need for accountablilty at Matthew's House. First of all in my life, and then to speak out the truth with lots of love to those I call my family, Matthew's House. I don't know how this is going to look, but I know we're all screaming for this. We've been living our lives on our own lately, acting like idiots for no good reason, (I'm talking mostly to myself). It's time we come together as a family and truely love each other. Kevyn and I have been talking about starting a House Church at our home for a while now, I think it's time.