It really isn't fair that the media have labeled DC "The Murder Capital" since it is way down on the top ten list of cities with the highest murder rate per capita, but it is somewhat unfortunate for a city whose primary industry is tourism. The violence hasn't affected the tourist trade as much as some other cities (Beirut for example), but the city is trying very hard to shake the image. City services are very prompt in picking up bodies and bullet casings off the street so as not to upset visitors. (It's only decent to pick up the bodies, but they should sweep the shell casings into potholes so as to solve yet another serious problem in the city. DC's solution to the pothole problem is to wait long enough for them to be re-zoned as underground parking garages, but I digress.)

To be fair, you really should remember DC as the city that re-elected Marion "G.dd.mn b.tch set me up!" Barry as mayor. In a quote that requires less censorship, the mayor has reassured us about crime in the city: "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

I thought I'd give you a little bit of a local's perspective on the city. (Before we lost the Senators, the city's unofficial slogan was "First in war, first in peace, last in the American League.")

DC doesn't have beautiful fiords, rolling green hills, or majestic mountains. What does DC have? DC has monuments.

There are parts of DC where you can't turn around and spit without hitting a monument. "Tourist Alley" is roughly bounded by Constitution Avenue, Independence Avenue, the Capitol, and the Potomac. There are monuments to war, peace, presidents, statesmen, and capitalism (more street vendors than you can shake a stick at). If you're American, and you're dead, you should have a monument in there somewhere.

Okay, I've had my fun bashing DC. (I'm probably just jealous, living out here in the suburbs of Northern Virginia.) If you ever find yourself visiting DC, here are some of my picks:

The Smithsonian Air and Space Museum

Where else can you see a Wright Flyer, The Spirit of St. Louis, and an Apollo Capsule under the same roof? Watch the movie To Fly, it's better than a roller coaster. At the entryway is an actual moon rock brought back on one of the Apollo missions. (It is a local custom to rub the moon rock when entering and exiting for luck.) If flight is a serious interest, you should take the time to visit the annex in suburban Maryland, where you can see dozens (hundreds?) of other historic aircraft, including Enola Gay.

The National Archives

Okay, the main visitor's center is a regular tourist trap, but you do get to see with your own eyes the paper which launched this country. If you find yourself down in the "monument district", it will only take a couple of minutes to stop by. A much nicer experience for those truly interested in history is to visit the new research center on the University of Maryland campus (a couple of miles outside the city line).

The Vietnam War Memorial

This may be the ultimate memorial to war. If you don't cry while you're visiting, you should be declared legally dead.

The Embassy of Canada

This is truly an insider tip. Don't bother going inside, eh. Go to the open air dome on Pennsylvania Avenue. Say something out loud. You will be amazed. Don't ask for an explanation.

The Rock Creek Parkway

If you have a car, or don't mind tipping a cabbie heavily, take this wonderful little trek. (Obviously, avoid rush hour.) Remember to look up to see the artistic masonry bridges, but watch out for falling objects from the higher bridges (DC's favorite launching platform for humans wishing to fly one last time).

The Federal Bureau of Engraving

It's a silly little tour, but where else are you going to see stacks of twenty dollar bills big enough to be moved with a forklift?

One last tip: Don't visit in late July or August, the "90/90 days" (90+ degrees F, 90+ percent humidity). Washington D.C. was build on swamp land, and although malaria has been pretty much wiped-out here, if you visit in August you'll recognize the swamp in the air.

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