"How much is your case really worth?"

1. Incorrect definition of an actuary.

An actuary is someone who always wanted to be an accountant, but didn't have the personality.

2. Hunting actuaries.

Two actuaries were hunting when a rabbit runs across their path. Actuary One aims and shoots into the ground. Actuary Two shoots just over the rabbit's head. Together they shout, "We nailed him!"

3. Another incorrect definition of actuary.

An actuary is a place where dead actors are buried.

4. How does an actuary define forecasting?

Forecasting is like driving a car blindfolded with the passenger giving directions by looking out the rear window.

5. OK. One legal story.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied: "We all looked -- but your client didn't!"