Excerpts from Felicia, These Fish Are Delicious

Thoughts on the Unfairness of Life

How rare the cypress—woeful tree,
With knees as knobby as those on me.

Why, my own mother does not root
For me, at the beach, in my swimming suit.

Women whom I cast my glance on
Beg for me to leave my pants on.

For my knobby situation
Far exceeds my reputation
    As a lover.
And they say that they prefer me
    As a brother.

These bony orbs ‘twixt thigh and toe
Turn the hottest lust to snow.

Their only use is punching holes,
In which I plant my marigolds.

What I Have Learned

It occurred to me today that the great tragedy of death is not death itself, but the loss of accumulated wisdom. It also occurred to me that despite my advancing years, surprisingly few young people are pounding on my door asking for my thoughts and opinions. For two cents I’d say, “to Hell with them,” and take my secrets with me to the grave. But I’m just not that kind of guy. So here they are. Pay attention!

1. Almost any food will ripen if placed in a brown paper sack. This is especially true of salmon.
2. If you carry onion peeling out to the last decimal point, you run out of onion.
3. St. Paul tells us that it’s better for a man to marry than to burn. A fair argument can be made for this viewpoint.
4. A lot of fun can be had by asking a drunk to explain the difference between “pigment” and “Saturday.”
5. Don’t expect a relationship between the price of a haircut and the amount of hair that gets cut.
6. It is scant comfort for the child who wants a pony to hear the words, “Good things come in small packages.”
7. God designed liver as a warning to people who otherwise would not believe in Hell.
8. Never tell a man with a tattoo to go to Hell.
9. Never tell a woman with a tattoo to go to Hell.
10. Never tell a growling dog to go to Hell. Say, “Lie down, nice doggie.”
11. Never, ever, say “Lie down, nice doggie” to a woman with a tattoo.
12. In doing penance, an 8-oz. serving of liver is equal to 862 Hail Mary’s.

And there you have it. Twelve pieces of the best advice ever offered to man or beast. You needn’t thank me. Maybe, sometime—years from now—your grandchild will ask you a question. You will shake your head, smile, and say, “Well, sir, once I knew a wise old bearded gentleman…”