| From cosmic dilemmas to sublime annoyances, the Duke
has advice for all. Alien possession got you down? What are
those unexplained rashes? You can get answers to all your questions
and problems here at Dear Duke, A Friendly Humor Advice Column. Just
send a message to dearduke@home.com.
Remember, don't take this advice seriously.
Last Update 5/3/2000 Duke Note: Often, my adoring public is merely a hustling public. As seen below. Hey great page! Did you know that you can get 100 stock options in a new internet start-up company, just for signing up to give advice? The page I found this on was http://www.abika.com. Click on the Expert tab at the top of the page. Just thought I'd let you know. Keep up the good work! Mike Dear Mike, Thanks for the spam man. Just when I thought I was getting a letter because someone liked me and my column, I get this. I'm convinced that people are only friendly to me when they want something from me. Especially cute girls. Jeez, I had to get an MD degree and a BMW before I could get a date. Duke
Dear Duke, I have been told by many a person that I am a very pretty woman. But to myself, I am the ugliest she-devil on the planet. I will describe myself and see what you think: dark brown hair, olive complexion, 5 ft. 3, 120 pounds, hazel green eyes, no weird or unusual horrible features. I want to know how to appreciate myself and what I have. I am driving my boyfriend and everyone else around me nuts because of my fixation on my looks and whether people think I am attractive or not. Please help me. Thanks, Carmen Dear Carmen, At first your focus on attractiveness may seem shallow. I believe though that you are correct in assuming a person's entire life revolves around their physical appearance. Our society is obsessed with looking good. Yes, success in life and love is only available to the physically attractive. Even the Duke, with his higher consciousness and lingering on the negative tail of the Bell curve of looks, is not immune from such petty biases. My turgid-o-meter is more likely to respond to a Bay Watch Babe than a dishrag. More than that, it's a matter of life and death! In the good old U S of A if you are on trial for a capital crime you are twice as likely to get the death penalty if the jury thinks you are ugly. From your letter it sounds like you are very pretty but there must be something you are able to improve. A blemish here or a pound there that can be corrected. So stay focused on your imperfections. Dwelling on them will only increase your happiness. Duke
2/23/2000 BULLETEN******** BULLETEN******** BULLETEN Dear Duke, A Friendly Humor Advice Column, remains unscathed by recent internet attacks. Yahoo, E Trade and other internet giants were temporarily blocked by so called denial of service attacks. My top notch crew of college drop outs kept Dear Duke on line without a hitch. So surf on in to http://members.home.net/dearduke without fear and where you won’t get a cookie. Dear Duke: Let me first congratulate you on your web site - very informative. Possibly you can help me. I have a cat, her name is Terwilliger. I wanted a short hair, jet black, male cat. I wound up with a longhaired, charcoal gray, female cat. Go Figure! Anyhoo....I have the occasional joy of holding her tail as she tries to walk away. She seems to think I’m pulling it. I ain’t pulling...she’s just walking away...therefore the tail pulls on her. Anyways, she always turns around and tries to bite me when I’m doing this. But she sounds sooo cute when she get mad! What do you think she’s trying to tell me? (p.s. I change her litter box almost daily.) Cheers - keri Dear keri, That's an interesting reaction. Whenever someone pulls on my tail I gyrate uncontrollably until I give out a loud howl. Anyway, I tried this maneuver on my cat and she turned around and snapped at me the same way. After years of sound analysis and study of cat behavior I have learned to talk with my cat. She says, “I didn’t want you to pull my tail, I wanted a short hair, jet black, male cat to grab me from behind.” And my cat is even spayed. I guess some urges can’t be surgically removed. I bet your cat is trying to tell you something similar. Duke Dear Duke... What is the best way to get rid of an ex-boyfriend who still hangs around..... wondering Dear wondering, Speaking of cats, I’ve always said that everything I’ve ever let go
of has scratch marks all over it. Some guys, myself included, sometimes
have a hard time “taking the hint.” I’m a professional at getting dumped.
Some lines that I’ve heard that may work for you:
Duke
1/24/2000 Dear Duke, I am divorced and my ex-wife and I have a child. We have joint legal custody and she has physical custody but I have visitation rights. The problem is she recently decided to move back to Cuba and, over my objections, took our son. There was nothing I could do about it. I recently found out that she drowned and now that bastard Castro won’t let him come back to the United States even though I have legal custody. What should I do Duke? Miss my son, Dear Miss my son, In matters of family law I think the wisest thing to do is allow politicians to decide where you’re son should live. Who else could better defend the interests of your child besides perhaps journalists or TV commentators? Duke
Dear Duke, There is this little boy of four at my daycare center who likes to wear dresses, high heels, jewelry, make-up and play with Barbie dolls. Just yesterday he was running around in a large oversized dress until one of the teachers told him to take it off because “boys don’t wear dresses.” Wouldn’t it be better to let him explore his curiosity now about what it is like to be feminine than to tell him it’s wrong and possibly cause psychological problems down the road? What do you think? ME Dear ME, I think we should let him be. We could try to force him to be what we want him to be but who knows, he may become the next fashion designer star. Duke
Dear Duke, I’ve been trying to come up with a time-space portal and I’ve run in to a snag. I’m using the two micro black holes in a binary stable orbit approach. My black holes are 6.8 X 108 gm each and are rotating with an angular velocity of (1 – 1/1016)c with about a 2.6 meter orbital distance. The problem is the instability of the generated time-space distortion. Anything passing through gets altered in unpredictable ways. I put a chimpanzee through and it came back as a raccoon. How can I correct this problem? the Engineer Dear the Engineer, Just relax your parameters a bit. My system works fine. I jumped a few years back and put a few thousand bucks in AOL and now I’m set. I also have learned to tweak the distortions so I can alter myself in predictable ways. I now have the looks of Pierce Brosnan, the IQ of Albert Einstein and the privates of Ron Jeremy. You might think I should use such power for good ---- naaaaaaaa. Duke
12/31/1999 Dear Duke, Y2K is coming Duke and I’m sc-sca-scared! I don’t want to die! What should I do? Terrified Dear Terrified, If you can read this you’re alive now. I sent this reply right around midnight between December 31, 1999 and January 1, 2000, local time. If this letter survives so do you. Of course it may get lost in the internet chaos in the changeover and bounce around for a hundred years amidst confused servers. But this reply arrived, so did the year 2000 and you’re alive. Happy New Millennium everyone. Duke
HI MY NAME IS ELSIE AND WANNA TO KNOW SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIENDS FOR 6 YEARS AND HE IS ALWAYS WATCHING DIRTY MOVIE AND ALSO ON THE COMPUTER WATCH THE NAKED WOMAN AND I WAS WONDERING IF HE BEEN FAITHFUL TO ME THE AWHOLE TIME AND WILL HE STOP WATCHING THHAT AND ALSO HE DOSENT LOOKED AT ME THAT MUCH AND WHAT COULD BE THERE REASON HENOT ATTRAIVE TO ME AT ALL AND WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT THIS I WANT HIM TO NOTICE ME MORE THAN THE NAKED WOMAN Dear ELSIE, Perhaps your boyfriend is the sort of man who appreciates women for their minds. I suggest you try to impress him with your intellectual prowess and literary wit. Duke
12/14/1999 Dear Duke, Congratulations! Your web site has been featured in "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Online Dating and Relating" (ISBN #: 0-7897-2169-4), just published by Macmillan/Que. Although the book is primarily a guide for those who want to learn about the various online venues to meet people, it also contains a great deal of information on other fun sites these people might want to use, including sites dealing with wedding planning, online flirting, self-help, astrology, and humor. If you would like to learn more about the book and/or check out your link on the book's promotional Web site, point your browser to http://www.size-eight.com/book Editorial reviews for "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Online Dating and Relating" can be found at Amazon.com at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0789721694/thecomplidiotsgu which also sells the book, as do online and offline bookstores everywhere. Once again, congratulations. All of us at Macmillan hope you are as pleased with the publication of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Online Dating and Relating" as we are. All best, Bill *****
Dear Mr. *****, What a dilemma you’ve thrown me in. Just when Dear Duke was in it’s final death throes your letter comes in. It’s like Michael Corleone said in Godfather III “I keep trying to get out but they always pull me back in.” After getting this letter I felt like I should perform CPR on the dead web site. After discussions with my entourage of spiritual advisors, financial planners, various attorney’s, psychics, yes men, friends, colleagues, rogues, pirates, saints, cons, and total strangers along with my wife I’ve resuscitated it. You can find this newly revived, still on life support, site at http://members.home.net/dearduke . The original Dear Duke site at http://www.dearduke.com is deceased, although it has URL forwarding for as long as the hosting service will leave it there for free. Some people need advice to live. I live to give advice. So thanks Mr ***** along with the author, Joe Schwartz, for giving me a reason for living. Duke
Dear Duke, I would like to know how does one become an addict of some substances? Talking about physical addiction. I hope you can answer my question. Thank you very much. Sincerely JS Dear JS, Put a rat in a cage with two levers. Push one, he gets food. Push the other one, he gets cocaine. What happens? The rat invariably starves to death. Frankly, I have an easier time understanding the rat than trying to figure out how to stop pushing the happy lever. It seems that animal, or human, nature dooms us to lives of either frustration or self-destructive indulgence. So how does one become an addict of some substances? It’s the natural way to go. Duke
Dear Duke, I am hoping you can help my family to overcome a personality issue we are struggling with. I have a sister-in-law who cannot be in a room without dominating every conversation and whose loud, frenetic personality is driving all of us crazy. We all always thought she talked a lot, but she and my husband’s brother always lived far away from the family, so we were exposed only in small doses. I always privately thought she was exhausting when we would visit, but I figured it was just excitement over seeing people from home. A couple of years ago, she and her husband settled close by with their children and it has now become apparent that the “excitement” she was displaying on those visits is the norm. Typical behavior includes telling 30 minute stories about her friend (whom we don’t really know) in Tim Buk Tu’s breast reduction, recitations of whole episodes of Oprah and staunch disgust when we don’t know the latest news in pop music videos. This woman is 30 years old and still interrupts all conversations to begin talking about herself or telling stories of her birth experiences. If the tales were at least compelling, it would help. Sadly, they are laden with banal - often inappropriate - details. My in-laws are very kind people, but they are at their wits’ end - as my husband and I are - about how to diffuse the situation. I think we are all pretty normal, social folks, but this is becoming a serious barrier. Nobody wants to hurt her feelings or alienate the brother, but we are all beginning to dread gatherings that will include her. This personality is causing us all a lot of stress. It is difficult to describe just how annoying and wearing it is, what should we do? signed: ugh Dear ugh, Unfortunately some people seem to have an internal gibberish generating engine. They must vent this gibberish or risk blowing up from the pressure. There is something you can do. You must be strong and disciplined. It should be a group effort as there is strength in numbers. Next time she visits tell her there is an important show on TV that the family all needs to watch. Then turn on the most boring nature show on some obscure channel you can find. The show will stimulate her gibberish generating engine to high output. Every time she tries to talk during the show interrupt her saying stuff like “Aww, look at the cute Panda cub tripping over the bamboo.” Even during the commercials interrupt with “Hey, that Tide really does clean better.” After a while the gibberish pressure will become critical. She will then have to run out in terror and find some poor stranger on the street and relieve herself. After that hellish experience she is unlikely to return. If she stays, well, it may make a mess but, problem solved. Duke
8/31/1999 Dear Duke, Where do you go when you die? Terminally Curious Dear Terminally Curious, Where do I go when I die? I know! Answer to follow. Where do you go when you die? That question I am much less sure about. This question has perplexed philosophers and theologians since man first pondered the meaning of life. It's been said that if you lead the good life you'll go to heaven. It's also been said that the kingdom of heaven is within. Does that mean we involute when we die? What if we go to a dark place within? The place within that feels a secret glee when we hear that another childhood star is strung out on drugs and in jail or when we heard the guy from Titanic committed suicide. Imagine being stuck there with all your other personal demons. Another cosmic joke would be to become a ghost. You get stuck here dealing with the same old crap but now you've got to deal with spiritual mediums nagging you so they can make a buck on endless talk shows. A fate worse than life. Perhaps death is really the end. Is heaven the happiest place off earth? Perhaps we go to a perpetual Disneyland. I just hope you don't have to wait in line. But then there is a death of the spirit. The death of a dream. Looking at the latest statistics on my website I have to admit that dearduke.com ain't goin' nowhere. I was hoping to be worth 7, 8 hundred million by now with an Initial Public Offering (IPO) of dearduke.com. Things have changed for me and have taken the time that I devoted in the past to the Duke letters. I've been taking more time trying to be a good husband and father. My mailings have been getting increasingly sparse over time. I've decided to relinquish being master of my domain and give up on dearduke.com. The advice column will continue on http://members.home.net/dearduke, my personal web site, instead of continuing to pay for a domain name service. I will update it from time to time and continue with the e mail list. I'd like to thank everyone who visited dearduke.com and/or subscribed to the delivery service. My e mail address will be dearduke@home.com. Be sure to visit the new site. Any and all advice questions will be answered. So where do I go when I die? http://members.home.net/dearduke Duke
8/11/1999 Duke Note: Lately I've been kind of feeling like the poor guy who's not a regular on Star Trek and beems down with Spock, Kirk and McCoy. Could the end be near? Could the Duke be running out of time? Could this be Y2K paranoia? We'll see. Dear Duke, What makes a man who has love and a great sex life (his words) at home feel the need to lie to his wife and indulge in explicit emails with escort service girls, as well as set up meetings to watch and maybe indulge with them offline? Really Hurt by the Pcman
Dear Really Hurt by the Pcman, There's a very good reason why this man does this. 'Cause he's a JERK! Get away from this guy before you catch your death - from AIDS. Duke
Dear Duke, I met this guy in December 1998 and when I met him, I wasn't attracted to him at all. In fact every time he called me, I never returned his calls. Then after I saw that a month had passed and he was still trying his best to get in touch with me and go out with me I finally decided to give him a chance. We went out and to my surprise we had a great time. I then began to look at his interior instead of his exterior. THE MAN IS HILARIOUS! So a month later we became a couple and even then, I didn't find him that attractive. Then something phenomenal happened. I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM!! And he became the most beautiful man in the world. Inside and out. No flaws. Then one day he tells me he can't be with me anymore because a couple of people think I am not pretty enough for him. I was hurt at first because I couldn't believe that he would dump me because of what other people said. He thought I was beautiful (don't get me wrong I am. Some people are just jealous of our ! relationship cause they wish they could have me) and I told him that is all that should matter. So we left it at that. I didn't call him nor did he call me. Then a couple of days later I walk into my office and I have the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers sitting on my desk and a letter attached. In the letter he stated how sorry he was and how much of a big mistake he made and that he would do anything to get me back and that he thought I was too good to be true and he was scared blah blah blah... Since I was at a strong but vulnerable state of mind I called him up and expressed to him that he hurt me and I don't ever want to go through that again. He promised that wouldn't happen again. So now we are together and we spend a lot of time together, but yet I am still a little insecure about the relationship. I have a real strong feeling that he might do it again and I don't want to get hurt again so what do you think I should do? I know I am very long winded, ! but I just wanted to let you know the whole situation. Chocl8grl78 Dear Chocl8grl78, OK, let see if I got this straight. First, you thought he wasn't attractive, later you thought he was attractive and funny. Next, a couple of people said you weren't attractive. He thinks you are attractive. You think you're attractive. The couple of people who said you weren't attractive lied because they think you are attractive and desire you. He listened to the couple of people and dumped you because he believed you weren't attractive enough for him. He changed his mind. Now you're worried about him hurting you. There are two ways to look at this situation. It's been said that looks aren't the only thing, they're everything. Whenever you match up with someone 2 or more points +/- on the one to ten looks scale you're bound for trouble. (How I ever conned a perfect 10 to marry me I'll never figure.) If you are equally matched you have potential to succeed in a relationship. Of course only 8 and up matches can have true love. Since you didn't send pictures of you and him I can't tell you whether you meet these criteria. I suggest you get an independent rating service to assign you and him numbers. If they're equal or +/- 1 you should stay together. The other way to look at it is just to go for it. A relationship based on the profound intimacies you've outlined here is enough to send tears streaming down Mother Teresa's face. Duke
Dear Duke, Whenever I try to summon spirits of the deceased I get no reply. What should I do? Silence is not Golden Dear Silence, That's funny, whenever I try to summon the spirits of the deceased I get a busy signal. How about if you get off the line and give some other mediums a chance? I need to know the meaning of it all and how to play the futures market. Where are we all headed? Apocalypse? Eternal silence? Only the future will tell. Duke
5/6/1999 duke, Does it mean anything that "Whackamole" is still my favorite game? IGOR Dear IGOR, Sophisticated computer games with elaborate strategies and complicated 3D graphics are one thing, but old fashioned beating of defenseless animals repeatedly with a large mallet as their heads pop up just can’t be beat. Kind of inspires you to want to become a baby seal fur hunter. Duke Duke note; To play a shockwave version of Whackamole click here.
dear duke, i’ve been married for five years to a pretty much good guy. the only problem is that he’s gay. i feel this might be putting a damper on our relationship as a whole and might hinder our future together. i’ve been wondering what to do to make things more enjoyable for him and keep him around till “death do us part”. what suggestions do you have for me? stumped in pa Dear stumped in pa, If you’re really interested in staying in this marriage I think you can do it if you follow a few simple rules. First, brush up on your Judy Garland and Barbara Streisand trivia. Next you may want to refine your, dare I say, disco dancing skills. Lastly, cut your hair short, paint eyes on the back of your head and learn how to walk around backwards. It’s awkward at first but you’ll hide your breasts, a certain turn off for your husband, and present the proper orifice for lovemaking at all times. Duke
Dear Duke, I would like some advice with a problem that has been bothering me for some time now. I discovered that my parents have been taking money from the trust fund that was set up for me by my grandfather before he died. I will be in control of the assets in my trust fund when I turn twenty-five which will be in December of next year. I have learned that several million dollars have been removed from the trust fund without my knowledge. I don’t want to lose the close relationship I have with my parents, and I really don’t know how to handle this in the best way. Clarissa Dear Clarissa, Boy, kind of makes you jealous of people who have estranged relationships with their parents. At least you don’t trust them enough to allow them opportunity to steal from you. At this point I suggest you get a lawyer to help you get your assets back. I know this will create tremendous strife in family relationships but hey, THEY ARE STEALING FROM YOU! Buy the way, if you still have a substantial amount in your fund, how about a date? Duke
Dear Duke, I want to know all about good tips to hunt ducks and geese. Thanks. :) Daniel Sheldon Dear Daniel Sheldon, I’m not really an expert on the sport of hunting but I will share with you my technique that practically guarantees fresh Duck a la’Orange on my dinner table. There is a golf course near me that has a pond. This pond has benches near the edge where you can sit to enjoy the serenity. I bring a bag of popcorn here and toss it out to the edge of the pond. This invariably brings hordes of ducks and geese to me to chow down on the offerings. Then I pull out my .38 caliber pistol and shoot one of them. Easier than Whackamole. Duke
Well, Duke you seem like just the guy I need at the moment. Actually, you couldn’t have popped up at a more convenient time. See, I am planning this little quick surprise trip for my friend, and I want to go to Alaska. Now, this question I have is a little stupid, but I’m sure you’ve had worse. Now, the Land of the Midnight sun - when the heck is it ? The date, I mean. One would think that maybe it was on the longest day of the year. I just don’t really know. I’m putting my faith in you, Duke. Alaskan Bound Dear Alaskan Bound, The Midnight Sun will appear on December 31, 1999. The Midnight Sun is a misnomer. This refers to the fires of the Apocalypse that will bring about the end of the world. One hell of a surprise trip, no? Duke
Dear Duke, I keep hearing stories that the Y2K computer bug is actually a sign from God that the end is near. Some reports say that Y2K is the beginning of the end. Could this really be the onset of the great tribulation spoken of in St. John’s revelation? Should we start packing our bags or storing food or head for the hills, or WHAT? Y2K Compliant Dear Y2K Compliant, Apocalypse now? Not quite! Apocalypse soon? You bet! What should we do? Start plea bargaining now. Avoid the year end rush. Duke
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