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I heard a comedian say (I think it was Carlin)
What's the difference between a gay man and a refridgerator?
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch. Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!" Sex is for dicks and pussies. And sometimes for assholes and big mouths.
Bu, Chu and Fu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names: Bu called himself "Buck." Did you hear about the toy company that went into the coffee business? It's now called Hasbrew. What did the drunk say when he walked into the bar? OW! I'm a little teapot Prison Humor A man gets sent to prison and, as soon as he walks in, his huge, buff cell mate says to him, “We’re gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?” After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers, “Well, if I have to choose, I guess I’ll be the daddy.” “OK,” his cell mate says, “then get over here and suck mommy’s dick.”
LETTER FROM MANAGEMENT! TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FROM: MANAGEMENT Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. PERSONAL DAYS: LUNCH BREAKS: Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category. SURGERY: Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week! Management
An embarrassed man goes to see his doctor. “Doc, I think I have a sexual problem -- I just can’t get it up for my wife anymore,” he mumbles. The doctor nods and replies, “Tell you what Mr. Thomas, why don't you come back tomorrow, bring your wife with you, and we'll see what I can do.” The worried man agrees and returns the next day with his wife. The doctor brings them into a examination room together. “OK Mrs. Thomas, could you please remove you clothes for me?” the doctor says. “Now slowly turn all the way around. Hmmm. Right. Could you hop up on the table and lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. OK, Mrs. Thomas you may put your clothes back on.” The doctor takes the husband aside and says, “Not to worry Mr. Thomas, you’re in perfect health. Your wife didn't give me an erection either.” What is a dictator? - A cross between a penis and a potato. Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways. After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man. "Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it." "Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor. "We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either." Do you have a joke you'd like to share with us? Email them to Dirty Jokes. Thanks for sharing. You should see your jokes up very soon.
Blacks | Ethnic Variegated | Old Crappy Jokes | Handicapped | Polish | Jewish |
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