And now for the definitive collection of No Arms & No Legs Riddles:

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who cuts himself every time he shaves?--- Nick
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at the barbecue?---Frank
Waterskiing?---Skip
At your front door?---Matt
On your wall?---Art
But a good swimmer?---Bob
How about two guys who are good swimmers?---Swimming trunks
Lying in a hole?---Phil
Under your car?---Jack
In the bathroom?---John
In the bathroom in London?---Lou
In the mail?---Bill
On a stage?---Mike
In a forest?---Glen
In a spa?---Jim
Buried in the garden?---Pete
In a pot?---Stu
Who never loses a fight?---Victor
Stuffed in a box wrapped in cellophane?---Kit. Or Candy.
In the hospital?---Ward
Out in the rain?---Mac
In a lawyers safe?---Will
Who's safe in a storm?---Lee
Who's still dangerous?---Cliff
Hiding in a liquor store?---Andre
Out in the driveway?---Ford
Swimming in the lake?---Doc
Being carried by a woman?---Percy
With no pelvis either?---Chester
Who plays five instruments at once?---Stump the Band
That runs the prison?---Warden
In a Semi Truck?---Mac
Who's a biochemist?---Gene
In underwear?---Dick or Peter
In a condom?---Dick or Peter
In a pussy?---Dick or Peter
In a Cup?---Joe
How about a woman with no arms and legs in court?---Sue
In a gorge?---Bridget
At a barbecue?---Patty
Who never leaves a sentence hanging?---Dot
In the garden?---Rose. Or Lily.
At the beach?---Sandy
In the orchard?---Cherry
Four women with no arms and legs on vacation eleven months a year?---Jan, June, April, and May
Out in a field?---Brooke
With six legs, out in a field?---Bea
In a liquor store?---Sherry, Ginny, and Brandy.
Visiting a Justice of the Peace?---Mary
Up early every morning?---Dawn
In a monastery?---Abby
Out in bad weather?---Gail
Who's euphorically happy anyway?---Joy
Out at Christmas?---Carol
Who never lets go?---Barb
Swimming in the harbor?---Kay
Who sits on a shelf?---Crystal
Who has no torso either?---Muffy
Who's naked?---Buffy
What do you call a woman with no arms or legs in a whorehouse?---Easy

What do you do when a cripple falls out of their wheelchair?

Laugh.

What's the second thing you do?

Take their chair.

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.

The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."

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