"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.
"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men you're going to marry."
The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:
"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and began like this:
"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."
It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince drew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck."
"Ah," replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology; certainly, it is a complete explanation."
* * *
The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at the lunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucer for the cup.
"What about the saucer?" he asked.
The girl explained:
"We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not, some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain't good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."
* * *
After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and, when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:
"That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorry you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a puffick lady, I'd slap your dirty face!"
During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens pounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window.
"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.
"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot."
"Whereabouts shot?"
"In the laig."
"Some shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
* * *
The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.
"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first meet this woman who has thus abused you?"
The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he replied:
"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook me."
* * *
An African newspaper recently carried the following advertisement:
Wanted
Small nicely furnished house, nice
locality, from August 1st, for
nearly married couple.
* * *
The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled, but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:
"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married."
* * *
The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her colored cook.
"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends. But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."
"Dat nigger, he hain't no friend o' mine," the cook declared scornfully. "Him, he's jes' my 'usban'."
* * *
Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.
"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandy she don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."
* * *
The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the dollar he had borrowed the week before.
"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!"
"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never mind, since you are as mean as that."
* * *
The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood, rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate purpose:
"I'm going to get married. I'm bossed by pa an ma, an' teacher, an' I ain't going to stan' for it. I'm going to get married right smack off. A married man ain't bossed by nobody 'cept his wife."
* * *
The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.
"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.
"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.
The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"
"I am!" she snapped.
"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:
"I pronounce you twain woman and husband."
* * *
A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girl had left to be married.
"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired.
The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:
"Oh, it's fine, ma'am—getting married is! Yes'm, it's fine! but, land's sake, ma'am," she added suddenly, "ain't it tedious!"
* * *
The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later to the bureau, and asked to have another name substituted for that of the lady.
"I done changed mah mind," he announced. The clerk remarked that the change would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license.
"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerk nodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute:
"Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. There ain't a dollar and a half difference in them niggers no how."
* * *
The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a week after the burial of his deceased helpmate.
"I'm feelin' right pert," he admitted; "pearter'n I've felt afore in years. You see, she was a good wife. She was a good-lookin' woman, an' smart as they make 'em, an' a fine housekeeper, an' she always done her duty by me an' the children, an' she warn't sickly, an' I never hearn a cross word out o' her in all the thutty year we lived together. But dang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria.... Yes, I'm feelin' pretty peart."
* * *
There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certain wedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girl on the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquired concerning it:
"Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"
"'Deed ah did, missus, 'deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion ob de season."
"Did you receive handsome presents?"
"Yes'm, yes'm, de hull house was jes' crowded wiv de gifts."
"And was your house nicely decorated?"
"Yes'm, yes'm. An' everybody done wear der very best, look jes' lak a white-folks' weddin', yes'm."
"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"
"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes'm. Ah done wore mah white bridal dress an' orange blossoms, yes'm. Ah was some kid."
"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"
"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin', low-down houn' dawg, he didn't show up at all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes' de same!"
Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride:
"I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months."
Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings.
"Sure, now, an' what a comfort it must be t' yez, havin' a son what does ye such credit."
The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention to him whatever.
"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded.
The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, or mebby the colonel himself." The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit. But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his identity.
"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, hold this pie while I present arms."
It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were discovered:
Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender buttons, thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred and seventeen pins, some grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-seven cuff-buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum, fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen button-hooks, two switches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, which apparently had bitten each other.
The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:
"Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"
* * *
The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car to the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that filled the whole car:
"What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."
The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:
"I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."
"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was speaking to my niece behind you."
* * *
The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to him in the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and the woman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, she perceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street, and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of her home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to the door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed her pursuer angrily:
"How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"
The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly:
"If you please, ma'am, I want my umbrella."
* * *
The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.
The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. In a rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveled state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the furious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and muttered:
"Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland."
* * *
The assistant minister announced to the congregation that a special baptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o'clock in the afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should be brought to the church at that time.
The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his assistant was speaking of the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information:
"Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar, or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half."
* * *
The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, but the mother comforted her, saying:
"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."
A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the room.
"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"
* * *
The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma some instructions:
"If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, say you are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say God made me."
It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions in that order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it is also a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to her origin, the child hesitated, and then said:
"Mama did tell me the man's name, but I've gone and forgotten it."
* * *
The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the house of a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added to the family. On the editor's arrival at the house, he was met at the door by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. After the usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning the health of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she now misunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having explained thus far, the good lady noticed the flabbergasted air of her guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers. Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay quiet.
A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man shouted:
"Here we come—darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"
A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram in announcement of his mother's death:
"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the bucket."
A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London weekly wrote:
"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate people."
The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the elderly gentleman replied benignantly:
"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."
The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.
"If you hain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't worth hearin'."
A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents. In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grown on his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as to just how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request:
"I'll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more, please."
The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:
"And you never let your husband beat you?"
"Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to try such a thing!"
The oldest wife nodded understandingly.
"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."
The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.
"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"
"Why, dear, do you want one?"
The child nodded seriously.
"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."
The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.
"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't any lawn-mower."
The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat peeved.
"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."
"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."
* * *
A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before prohibition.
"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull creation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner nobody!"
Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon, in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:
"Ici on parle français."
"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the observers remarked.
To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.
One of the men addressed the barkeeper:
"Fait beau temps, monsieur."
The barkeeper scowled.
"Come agin!" he demanded.
It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the establishment.
The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window, explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."
The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.
"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it was Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home.'"
Artemas Ward said:
"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."
* * *
The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants where music was provided.
"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."
* * *
The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music. The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and presently she spoke eagerly:
"Oh, don't it sound grand!"
The young man nodded, and answered:
"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with their hind legs."
* * *
The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist: During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the performer, and whispered loudly:
"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"
* * *
The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed patron snorted, and then asked:
"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"
The leader bowed again and beamed.
"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."
"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of checkers while I finish my meal."
