The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the church along with the crowd that had attended the services:
"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush at the doors."
* * *
Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in the morning while the two men were dressing.
"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.
"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin' and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."
"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me? Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"
Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as compiled by a young curate:
"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27 were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the church, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47 times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress that utterly unfitted him for public preaching, 104 times; picnics attended, 10; dinners, 37; suffered from attacks of malignant dyspepsia, 37 times; read 748 hymns; instructed the choir in regard to the selection of tunes, 1 time; had severe cold, 104 times; sore throat, 104 times; malaria, 104 times; wrote 3120 pages of sermons; declined invitations to tea, 1 time; started the tune in prayer meeting, 2 times; started the wrong tune, 2 times; sung hymns that nobody else knew, 2 times; received into church membership, 3; dismissed by letter, 49; expelled, 16; lost, strayed, or stolen, 137."
The Scotchman returned to his native town, Peebles, after a first visit to London. He told the neighbors enthusiastically of his many wonderful experiences in the metropolis. There was, however, no weakening in his local loyalty, for at the end he cried out proudly:
"But, for real pleasure, gi'e me Peebles!"
* * *
There is no doubting the strong patriotism of the schoolboy who is the hero of this tale, although he may have been weak on history. During an examination in general history, he was asked:
"Who was the first man?"
He answered proudly, even enthusiastically, without any hesitation:
"George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts——"
But the teacher interrupted ruthlessly:
"Wrong! Adam was the first man."
The boy sniffed disgustedly.
"Oh!" he retorted. "I didn't know you were talking about foreigners."
* * *
The troops had been marching through a sea of mud for hours, when at last they were lined up for inspection before a general. In the evolution, a young cavalryman who had enlisted was thrown from his horse into the muck, from which he emerged in a dreadful state, though uninjured except in his feelings. The general himself, who had witnessed the incident, rode up, and preserving his gravity with some effort inquired of the trooper if he had suffered any hurt from the fall.
"Naw," was the disgusted reply. "But if I ever love a country agin, you can kick me!"
The mourning widow caused a tender sentiment to be chiseled on the headstone of her husband's grave. The exact wording was as follows:
"Thou are at rest, until we meet again."
PEACEMAKER
The father was telling at the table of a row between two men in which he had interfered. One had swung a shovel aloft, shouting, "I'll knock your brains out!"
"It was at this moment," the head of the family explained, "that I stepped in between them."
Little Johnnie had been listening, round-eyed with excitement. Now, he burst forth:
"I guess he couldn't knock any brains out of you, could he, pa?"
The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing, but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under Invalid Original No. 98,325,423, based his application for succor upon an "injury to leg due to the kick of a vicious horse" in the service and line of duty, etc.
This was formally insufficient, and the bureau advised to claimant to this effect, directing him to state: "which leg was injured by the alleged kick of a vicious horse."
The reply came promptly:
"My leg!"
The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a discouraged tone:
"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next day Wednesday—the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"
* * *
The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry concerning his health.
"It isn't what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But now lately, somehow, when I'm only half way round, I feel so tired I have to turn and come back."
* * *
The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:
"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo, and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"
"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."
"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.
"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent inquiry.
"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to employ as many as possible when times are so hard."
Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness:
"Ain't Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"
"Don't say 'ain't', Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?"
"It ain't swearin' to say it, is it Gramma?"
"Don't say 'ain't', Willie. No, it isn't swearing to say Rotterdam. Why?"
"Cause if sister keeps on eatin' so much candy, she'll Rotterdam head off."
The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat to her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which was broken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows:
"I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my nose organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."
The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in service.
"You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady's comment as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all told?"
"Fifteen, all told," the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all told eggzactly what I thought of them."
"No, suh," the ancient negro asserted, with a melancholy shaking of his bald head, "dar hain't no trustin' a 'possum. Once on a time, suh, I done watched de hole of a 'possum all night long. An' at las', suh, de 'possum done come out of his hole. An' what yoh t'ink de ole scallywog done did? Well, suh, he done come out, an' when he done come out, he was a polecat!"
The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink. The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook, and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly:
"Thursday is my evenin' off, an' we might go to the movies."
The plumber snorted indignantly.
"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"
The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the petition calls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to verse every day."
A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy was extended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with the host and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain smug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:
"I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master never invited you to eat at his table."
"No, suh, dat he didn't," replied the old darky. "My master was a genl'man. He never let no nigger set at table 'long side o' him."
* * *
The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions in the zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper:
"Isn't that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"
The man answered very respectfully, but firmly:
"It may seem like a very small piece of meat to you, mum, but it seems like a big piece of meat to the lions, mum."
Tommy Atkins and a doughboy sat in a poker game together somewhere in France. The Britisher held a full house, the American four of a kind.
"I raise you two pounds," quoth Tommy.
The Yankee did not hesitate.
"I ain't exactly onto your currency curves, but I'll bump it up four tons."
The little girl in the car was a pest. She crossed the aisle to devote herself to a dignified fat man, to his great annoyance. She asked innumerable questions, and, incidentally, counted aloud his vest buttons to learn whether he was rich man, poor man, beggar man or thief. The mother regarded the child's efforts as highly entertaining. The fat man leaned forward and addressed the lady very courteously:
"Madam, what do you call this dear little child?"
"Ethel," the beaming mother replied.
"Please call her then," the fat man requested.
* * *
Johnny, who was to be the guest at a neighbor's for the noonday meal, was carefully admonished by his mother to remember his manners, and to speak in complimentary terms of the food served him. He heeded the instruction, and did the best he could under stress of embarrassment.
After he had tasted the soup, he remarked as boldly as he could contrive:
"This is pretty good soup—what there is of it."
He was greatly disconcerted to observe that his remark caused a frown on the face of his hostess. He hastened to speak again in an effort to correct any bad impression from his previous speech:
"And there's plenty of it—such as it is."
* * *
On Johnnie's return from the birthday party, his mother expressed the hope that he had behaved politely at the luncheon table, and properly said, "Yes, if you please" and "No, thank you," when anything was offered him.
Johnnie shook his head seriously.
"I guess I didn't say, 'No, thank you.' I ate everything there was."
* * *
The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar, for correction by the class, the following sentence:
"The horse and cow is in the pasture."
A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:
"Please, sir, ladies should come first."
* * *
The man sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before him:
"You must excuse my not giving you my seat—I'm a member of the Sit Still Club."
"Certainly, sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring—I belong to the Stand and Stare Club."
She proved it so well that the man at last sheepishly got to his feet.
"I guess, ma'am," he mumbled, "I'll resign from my club and join yours."
The little boy interrupted his father's reading of the paper with a petition.
"Please, Daddy, tell me the story about the Forty Thieves."
The father, aroused from his absorption in political news and comment on the campaign, regarded his son thoughtfully for a moment, and then shook his head.
"No," he answered decisively, "you must wait until you're a little older, my son. You're too young to understand politics."
Someone asked a darky from Richmond who was visiting in the North as to the population of the city.
"Ah don't edzakly know, suh," was the reply, "but I opine 'bout a hundred an' twenty-five thousan', countin' de whites."
It is human nature to take an interest in the affairs of others. The fact has been amply demonstrated by innumerable postmasters and postmistresses who have profited from their contact with the communities' correspondence. That the postman, too, is likely to be well informed is shown in a quotation by Punch of a local letter-carrier's apology to a lady on his round:
"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I seem to have lost your postcard; but it only said Muriel thanked you for the parcel and so did John, and they were both very well, and the children are happy, and she'll give your message to Margery. That'll be your other daughter, I'm thinkin'?"
One negro workman was overheard talking to another:
"I'se yoh frien'. I jest tole the fohman, when he say dat nigger Sam ain't fit to feed to de dawgs, why, I done spoke right up, an' tole him yoh shohly is!"
The Dutchman still retained a strong accent, although he had been in the country forty years, and was a churchwarden. When the rector complained that a certain parishioner had called him a perfect ass, and asked advice, the reply, though well intentioned, sounded ambiguous:
"All you should do vill pe youst to bray for him, as usual."
* * *
A Scotch missionary in the Far East suffered ill fortune in his marriages, for two wives in succession yielded to the trying climate and died. The missionary had depended on the Board at home to select his previous mates, and he wrote for a third. When due time had elapsed, he journeyed to the seaport to meet the steamer by which his new mate should arrive. At the appointed hour, as the boat drew in, he stood on the dock anxiously waiting. Among the few passengers to descend the gangplank, it was easy for him to select the one destined for him. At sight of her, he shuddered slightly, and a groan burst from his lips.
"Freckles," he muttered despairingly, "and red headed, and with squint—for the third time!—and after all my prayers!"
* * *
Charles had attained the age of five when he attended a football game for the first time. It cannot be doubted that he was profoundly impressed by the excitement on the gridiron, for at bedtime his mother was horrified to hear him utter his nightly prayer thus:
"God bless papa! God bless mama! God bless Charlie! Rah! Rah! Rah!"
* * *
At the request of his wife, the husband opened a can of peaches. When he finally reappeared, the wife asked demurely:
"What did you use to open that can, Jim?"
"Can-opener, of course," the husband grunted. "What d'ye think I opened it with?"
"From the language I heard, I thought perhaps you were opening it with prayer."
* * *
The newspaper report of the special Sunday services contained the following impressive description of the prayer:
"The most eloquent prayer ever addressed to a Boston audience."
* * *
The New York Sun published the following:
The toys had been reluctantly laid aside and in her dainty nightie the little girl, scarcely more than a baby, knelt at her mother's knee.
The eyes, which all day long are alight with mischief, were reverently closed, and as she haltingly uttered the words of the old, yet ever young child's prayer her rapt face, raised occasionally from her dimpled hands, took on an expression almost seraphic in its innocent purity.
With a fervent "Amen" she ended her supplication, then jumped up, eyes dancing, and exclaimed:
"Now let's say 'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.' I knows it better, Muvver."
* * *
A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and he answered that he always did. On being questioned as to the nature of his prayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in the congregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and he added further:
"I just say the little prayer mother taught me—'Now I lay me down to sleep.'"
* * *
A prayer showing a ghastly confusion of metaphors is on record as having been offered extemporaneously in behalf of Queen Adelaide during the reign of that sovereign. The words as quoted were these:
"O Lord, save thy servant, our Sovereign Lady, the Queen. Grant that as she grows an old woman, she may become a new man. Strengthen her with Thy blessing that she may live a pure virgin, bringing her sons and daughters to the glory of God. And give her grace that she may go before her people like a he-goat upon the mountains."
* * *
As the boat was sinking, the skipper lifted his voice to ask:
"Does anybody know how to pray?"
One man spoke confidently in answer:
"Yes, Captain, I do."
The captain nodded.
"That's all right then," he declared. "You go ahead and pray. The rest of us will put on life-belts. They're one short."
A colored deacon who was the leader in a congregation down South, wrote to the bishop to explain the need of a minister for the church. He concluded his appeal as follows:
"Send us a Bishop to preach. If you can't send us a Bishop, send us a Sliding Elder. If you can't send a Sliding Elder, send us a Stationary Preacher. If you can't spare him, send us a Circus Eider. If you can't spare him, send us a Locust Preacher. And if you can't send a Locust Preacher, send us an Exhauster."
When the colored couple were being married by the clergyman, and the words, "love, honor and obey" were spoken, the bridegroom interrupted:
"Read that again, suh! read it once moh, so's de lady kin ketch de full solemnity ob de meanin'. I'se been married befoh."
* * *
The lawyer for the defense, in the damage suit, asked the witness who had seen the plaintive struck by the automobile, how far the victim was thrown by the impact.
"Fifteen feet, six and three-quarter inches," was the instant response.
"You seem to be very exact in your figures," exclaimed the lawyer sarcastically. "How does that happen?"
"I guessed some fool lawyer would ask me," the witness answered, "and I measured the distance."
The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.
"I've had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."
"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the critic.
Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat down in the same seat.
"How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired.
Jakey started nervously.
"Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week."
The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to himself:
"It's pretty near time for me to ket a lickin', I guess I'd better sit in it."
* * *
The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect:
Mrs. Riley—Och, Missus O'Rafferty, I hear yez be worrukin' noight an' day.
Mrs. O'Rafferty—Yis, Oi'm under bonds to kape the pace for pullin' the hair o' that blaggard Missus Murphy; an' the Judge tould me as if Oi touched her again he'd foine me tin dollars.
Mrs. Riley—An' yez is worrukin' so hard so's to kape outen mischief.
Mrs. O'Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)—No! Oi'm savin' oop the foine.
* * *
The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertaining her young man.
"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired.
Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.
"This is for John," he explained. "It looks as if it might rain before morning."
The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity.
"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain't we a wonderful family! Mama has electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."
* * *
Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of little Raymond in the following story:
Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday School fairly swollen with importance. He explained the cause to his mother.
"The superintendent said something awful nice about me this morning in his prayer."
"And what did he say, dear?" the mother inquired, concealing her astonishment.
The boy quoted glibly and sincerely.
"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"
A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened the door.
"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired.
Little Willie answered with formal politeness:
"I'm Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?"
The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in conditions at the State Penitentiary:
"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more pleasant and elegant."
The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside him. The latter looked astonished.
"What of it?" he drawled. "Wasn't it his deal?"
The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith shop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening. Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a lapse of half an hour, shuffled back lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply:
"Here, you Zeb! Where've you been all this time?"
The darky grinned placatingly.
"Why, boss," he explained, "I hain't been—I'se gwine!"
The longshoreman was indulging in a fit of temper, which he interpreted in a burst of language that shocked the lady passing by. She regarded him reprovingly, as she demanded:
"My man, where did you learn such awful language?"
"Where did I learn it?" the longshoreman repeated. "Huh! I didn't learn it, it's a gift."
* * *
The deacon carried a chain to the blacksmith to have a link welded. When he returned to the shop a few hours later, he saw the chain lying on the floor, and picked it up. It was just next to red hot, and the deacon dropped it with the ejaculation:
"Hell!" Then he added hastily: "I like to have said."
The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new country estate.
"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual animals—horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth."
"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs."
"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course in our position, it's quite unnecessary—er, perhaps not quite suitable, you know."
* * *
The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten the hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received the following directions:
"Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests."
* * *
* * *
"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman asked the shopkeeper.
"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself."
"But it is badly soiled."
"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out of the tree."
* * *
Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?"
Shopkeeper: "That comes from repairing them."
The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife.
"How does John get along with his reading of the Bible?" he asked.
"Oh, bless your reverence," she replied proudly, "'e's out of the Bible and into the newspaper long ago."
* * *
The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was at great pains to teach an illiterate old man, crippled with rheumatism, his letters so that he could read the Bible. On the clergyman's return after a short absence from the parish, he met the old man's wife.
"And how is Thomas making out with reading his Bible?"
"Bless you, sir," the wife declared proudly, "he's out of the Bible and into the newspaper long ago."
* * *
The physician advised his patient to eat a hearty dinner at night, without any worry over the ability to digest it. The patient, however, protested:
"But the other time when I came to see you, you insisted I must eat only a very light supper in the evening."
The physician nodded, smiling complacently.
"Yes, of course—that shows what great progress the science of medicine is making."
The objector to prohibition spoke bitterly:
"Water has killed more folks than liquor ever did."
"You are raving," declared the defender of the Eighteenth Amendment. "How do you make that out?"
"Well, to begin with, there was the Flood."
* * *
The wife complained to her husband that the chauffeur was very drunk indeed, and must be discharged instantly.
"Discharged—nothing!" the husband retorted joyously. "When he's sobered off, I'll have him take me out and show me where he got it."
The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother.
"And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked.
"Aaron," was the answer.
A few days later, the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the little girl regarded her in perplexity.
"Aaron?" she repeated.
"Your baby brother," the teacher prompted.
Understanding dawned on the child's face.
"Oh, Aaron!" she exclaimed. "That was a mistake. It's Moses. He's very well, ma'am, thank you. Pa an' ma, they found we had an Aaron."
The parson's daughter spoke pleasantly, but with a hint of rebuke, to one of her father's humble parishioners:
"Good morning, Giles. I haven't noticed you in church for the last few weeks."
"No, miss," the man answered. "I've been oop at Noocaste a-visitin' my old 'aunts. And strange, miss, ain't it, I don't see no change in 'em since I was a child like?"
The parson's daughter was duly impressed.
"What wonderful old ladies they must be!"
But the man shook his head, and explained with remarkable clearness:
"I didn't say 'arnts', miss. I said 'awnts'—'aunts where I used to wander in my childhood days like."
Shopper:—"Are these eggs fresh?"
Apprentice:—"Yes, ma'am, they be."
Shopper:—"How long since they were laid?"
Apprentice:—"'Tain't ten minutes, ma'am—I know, I laid them eggs there myself."
The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that had been lying by the curb three days.
"What am I to do with this?" he demanded.
"Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it within a reasonable time, it's your property."
The babu explained with great politeness the complete failure of a young American member of the shooting party in India to bag any game:
"The sahib shot divinely but it is true that Providence was all merciful to the birds."
Sandy MacTavish was a guest at a christening party in the home of a fellow Scot whose hospitality was limited only by the capacity of the company. The evening was hardly half spent when Sandy got to his feet, and made the round of his fellow guests, bidding each of them a very affectionate farewell. The host came bustling up, much concerned.
"But, Sandy, mon," he protested, "Ye're nae goin' yet, with the evenin' just started?"
"Nay," declared the prudent MacTavish, "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."
* * *
The young man, who was notorious for the reckless driving of his car, was at his home in the country, when he received a telephone call, and a woman's voice asked if he intended to go motoring that afternoon.
"No, not this afternoon," he replied. "But why do you ask? Who are you?"
"That doesn't matter," came the voice over the wire. "It's only that I wish to send my little girl down the street on an errand."
The school teacher, after writing to the mother of a refractory pupil, received this note in reply:
"Dear miss, you writ me about whippin my boy i hereby give you permission to lick him eny time it is necessary to lern him lessuns hes jist like his paw you have to lern him with a club please pound nolej into him i want him to git it don't pay no attenshun to his paw either i'll handle him."
* * *
The little boy dashed wildly around the corner, and collided with the benevolent old gentleman, who inquired the cause of such haste.
"I gotta git home fer maw to spank me," the boy panted.
"Bless my soul!" exclaimed the old gentleman, "I can't understand your being in such a hurry to be spanked."
"I ain't. But if I don't git there 'fore paw, he'll gimme the lickin'."
* * *
The little lad sat on the curb howling lustily. A passer-by halted to ask what was the matter. The boy explained between howls that his father had given him a licking. The sympathizer attempted consolation:
"But you must be a little man, and not cry about it. All fathers have to punish their children sometimes."
The lad ceased howling long enough to snort contemptuously, and to explain:
"Huh! my paw ain't like other boys' paws. He plays the bass drum in the band!"
"What is your name?" demanded the judge of the prisoner in the Municipal Court.
"Locke Smith," was the answer, and the man made a bolt for the door.
He was seized by an officer and hauled back.
"Ten dollars or ten days," said the magistrate.
"I'll take the ten dollars," announced the prisoner.
Finally, he paid the fine, but he added explicit information as to his opinion of the judge. Then he leaped for the door again, only to be caught and brought back a second time.
The judge, after fining the prisoner another ten dollars, admonished him severely, in these words:
"If your language had been more chaste and refined, you would not have been chased and refined."
* * *
A member of the Lambs' Club had a reputation for lack of hospitality in the matter of buying drinks for others. On one occasion, two actors entered the bar, and found this fellow alone at the rail. They invited him to drink, and, as he accepted, he announced proudly:
"I'm writing my autobiography."
"With the accent on the 'bi'?" One of the newcomers suggested sarcastically.
"No," his friend corrected, "with the accent on the 'auto'."
* * *
The stallion that had been driven in from the plains was a magnificent creature, but so fierce that no man dared approach closely. Then the amiable lunatic appeared on the scene. He took a halter, and went toward the dangerous beast. And as he went, he muttered softly:
"So, bossy; so bossy; so bossy."
The stallion stood quietly and allowed the halter to be slipped over his head without offering any resistance.
The horse was cowed.
* * *
When Mr. Choate was ambassador to the Court of St. James, he was present at a function where his plain evening dress contrasted sharply with the uniforms of the other men. At a late hour, an Austrian diplomat approach him, as he stood near the door, obviously taking him for a servant, and said:
"Call me a cab."
Choate answered affably:
"You're a cab, sir."
The diplomat indignantly went to the host and explained that a servant had insulted him. He pointed to Choate. Explanations ensued, and the diplomat was introduced to the American, to whom he apologized.
"That's all right," declared Choate, smiling. "If you had been better-looking, I'd have called you a hansom cab."
The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the assembly of guests in the drawing-room:
"Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Woolworth Building?"
Everybody racked his brains during a period of deep silence, and racked in vain. Finally, they gave it up and demanded the solution. The inventor of the puzzle beamed.
"The answer," he said, "is a wooden horse. It has eyes and cannot see, and legs and cannot walk."
"Yes," the company agreed. "But how does it jump as high as the Woolworth Building?"
"The Woolworth Building," the humorist explained, "can't jump."
The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had left her last place:
"To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and the mistress was always quarreling."
"That must have been unpleasant," the lady agreed.
"Yis, mum," the cook declared, "they was at it all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."
It was a rule of the club that anyone asking a question which he himself could not answer must pay a fine. One of the members presented a question as to why a ground-squirrel in digging left no dirt around the entrance to its hole. He was finally called on for the answer, and explained that of course the squirrel began at the bottom and dug upward.
"Excellent!" a listener laughed. "But how does the squirrel manage to reach the bottom?"
"That," said the other with a grin, "is your question."
