Oldest Inhabitant: "I never expected to live till the end of the War, Ma'am; but now I'm hoping to be spared to see the beginning of the next one."
* * *
"That's Betty Grant's new maid."
"She's much smarter than her mistress."
"Well, they can't both afford to dress like that."
* * *
Father: "Don't know the French for cat, and you had a French nurse for years!"
Hopeful: "But, Dad, we hadn't got a cat when Adele was with us."
* * *
Betty (after flash of lightning): "Count quickly, Jenny! Make it as far away as you possibly can."
* * *
Employer: "John, I wish you wouldn't whistle at your work."
Boy: "I wasn't working, Sir; only whistling."
* * *
Mistress: "Oh, Jane, how did you break that vase?"
Maid: "I'm very sorry, Mum; I was accidentally dusting."
* * *
Little Girl (in foreground): "Mother, I suppose the bridegroom must come to his wedding."
* * *
Mistress: "I hope you're doing what you can to economise the food."
Cook: "Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water."
* * *
Raw Hand (at sea for first time and observing steamer's red and green lights): "'Ere's some lights on the starboard side, Sir."
Officer: "Well, what is it?"
R. H.: "Looks to me like a drug store, Sir."
* * *
"Can you play bridge to-night?"
"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."
"What—do you like the stuff?"
"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very much better than it sounds."
* * *
Master: "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia. Surely, you've heard me again and again say 'pneumonia'?"
Man: "Well, Sir, I 'ave; but I didn't like to correct you."
* * *
Successful Poultry Farmer: "You'd be surprised what a difference these incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week."
Champion Dog Breeder: "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?"
* * *
Small Boy (who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow): "I hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."
* * *
Mother: "Oh, Mary, why do you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand?"
Mary: "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."
* * *
Mother (to child who has been naughty): "Aren't you rather ashamed of yourself?"
Child: "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I am."
* * *
Belated Traveller (surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the station): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."
* * *
Mother: "Why, what's the matter, darling?"
Small daughter (tearfully): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this worm to my hen."
Mother: "Then why don't you?"
Small daughter (with renewed wails): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm won't like it."
* * *
"Does God make lions, Mother?"
"Yes, dear."
"But isn't he frightened to?"
* * *
"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"
* * *
Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones (who is gazing at an aeroplane): "My word! I shouldn't care for one of them flying things to settle on me."
* * *
The Woman: "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a picture of a girl with them on."
The Man: "What appalling rot! Er—after you with the paper."
* * *
Small Invalid (to visitor): "I've had a lot of diseases in my time—measles—whooping-cough—influenza—tonsilitis—but (modestly) I haven't had dropsy yet."
* * *
Lady: "And why did your last mistress——"
Applicant (loftily): "Excuse me, Madam!"
Lady: "Well—er—your last employer——"
Applicant: "I beg your pardon, Madam!"
Lady: "Well, then, your last—er—pray what do you call those in whose service you are engaged?"
Applicant: "Clients, Madam."
* * *
Small Girl: "I wonder how old Joan is?"
Small Boy: "I bet she won't see four again."
* * *
Mother: "Well, dear, has Jack kissed you under the mistletoe?"
Mary (demurely): "Yes, Mummy."
Mother: "And did you enjoy it?"
Mary: "Yes, thank you, Mummy; but (very demurely) I struggled."
* * *
"Mollie, you haven't said your prayers."
"I'm going to say them in bed to-night."
"Oh, Mollie, that isn't etiquette."
* * *
Applicant for Situation: "And 'ow long did yer last cook oblige yer?"
* * *
"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and—she's still looking at it through her lorgnette."
* * *
"I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go round in?"
"Well, usually in a sweater."
* * *
Small Boy (walking round links with his father): "Daddy, here's a ball for you."
Father: "Where did you get that from?"
Small Boy: "It's a lost ball, Daddy."
Father: "Are you sure it's a lost ball?"
Small Boy: "Yes, Daddy; they're still looking for it."
* * *
Small Boy (toying with dull blanc-mange): "Please may I have an ice instead of finishing this—'cos I feel sick?"
* * *
