Eloping Bride: "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter."
Bridegroom: "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling—so long as he doesn't do it when we get back."
* * *
He (dejectedly): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."
She: "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about love?"
* * *
Wife: "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are you going to buy him?"
* * *
"Mamma!"
"What is it, dear?"
"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to."
* * *
Julia: "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for."
Gertrude: "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."
* * *
Mrs. Lynks: "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear."
Mr. Lynks: "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to."
* * *
"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"
"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."
* * *
She: "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water."
He: "I guess I have never been really thirsty."
* * *
"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one be here?"
"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."
* * *
The Count: "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one hundred thousand dollaire."
The Millionaire: "But I thought you were a bankrupt."
The Count: "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch to you."
* * *
"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"
"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."
* * *
Mother (to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs): "Well, dear, were there no eggs?"
Little Girl: "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."
* * *
"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is short, isn't he?"
He (absently): "Yes, usually."
* * *
Urchin (contemptuously): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"
Neighbor: "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"
* * *
"His versatility is something extraordinary."
"I had an idea he was rather stupid."
"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself."
* * *
Poetic Bridegroom: "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes, and listening to the wash of the ocean."
Practical Bride: "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our laundry bill yet."
* * *
George: "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"
Kate: "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what they quarreled about."
* * *
Elsie: "When is my birthday, Mother?"
Her Mother: "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."
Elsie: "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?"
* * *
She: "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better."
He: "Aren't you afraid she is too old to know better?"
* * *
"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different from other girls."
"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."
* * *
"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."
"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself."
* * *
Pupil: "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"
Teacher: "No—you're not."
* * *
"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"
"Yes! I am."
"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about you."
* * *
The Child: "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"
The Mother: "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."
The Child: "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"
* * *
She: "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?"
"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."
* * *
First Voter: "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?"
Second Voter: "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."
* * *
"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"
"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except intimate friends."
* * *
She: "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"
He: "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it."
* * *
"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago."
"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm."
* * *
"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."
"In what way?"
"She can keep silence in four different languages."
* * *
She: "I'm so glad we're engaged."
He: "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"
She: "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."
* * *
"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions."
"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world."
* * *
Mrs. Bargain: "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat."
Mr. Bargain: "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"
* * *
The Mistress: "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would have returned them unopened."
The Maid: "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist back unopened?"
* * *
He: "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?"
She: "Er—that clock is half an hour fast."
* * *
Miss Hen: "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!"
* * *
Lady (to prospective daily housemaid): "The hours will be from nine to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."
D. H.: "For luncheon, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."
* * *
"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."
"She has evidently reversed the order of things."
"How so?"
"She does the dictating now."
* * *
Young Husband: "I see that sugar has gone down two points."
Young Wife: "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."
* * *
Best Man (seeing couple off on honeymoon): "Here you are—just a few magazines to help pass away the time."
* * *
Hostess (to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the cakes): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, John?"
John: "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"
* * *
Mr. Househunter: "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day. The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."
Mrs. Househunter: "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither very wide nor very high."
* * *
The Leading Woman: "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"
The Comedian: "He doesn't—he is."
* * *
Chimmie: "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight—me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm."
Billie: "Dat ain't nuthin'—me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct."
* * *
The Wife: "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather."
The Husband: "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed."
* * *
The Reporter: "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"
Sledge-hammer Mike: "De solar plexus."
The Reporter: "And er—if you get beaten, what will your—er—weak spot have been?"
* * *
"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."
"Why do you say so?"
"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."
* * *
The Man of Theory: "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot."
The Man of Practice: "But it has to be a whole lot."
* * *
He: "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest teacher."
She: "And there is no holding back her salary, either."
* * *
"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be useful?"
"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's maid—not a useful maid."
* * *
Customer to Palmist: "Five dollars fee? Er—would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?"
* * *
Betty: "Mummy, does God send us our food?"
Mother: "Yes, dear; of course He does."
Betty: "But what a price!"
* * *
The Summer Girl: "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you."
The Summer Man: "Well—er—could you manage to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?"
* * *
He: "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."
She: "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same thing."
* * *
She: "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"
"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and everybody except the members."
* * *
"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with an old comrade in arms."
"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"
* * *
"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."
"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut appears he thought worse av me."
* * *
"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."
"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."
* * *
"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"
"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."
* * *
Freddie (aged six): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birfday?"
His Mother: "Yes, dear! What of it?"
Freddie: "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."
* * *
"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again."
"Misunderstanding, indeed! If you had any feeling you'd call it a quarrel."
* * *
Flora: "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her."
Dora: "Getting even with her won't satisfy me. I'm going to get uneven with her."
* * *
Old Gentleman: "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"
Small Boy: "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones."
* * *
He: "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."
She: "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."
* * *
She: "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."
He: "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is."
* * *
"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."
"Sour grapes always did have that effect."
* * *
Mrs. Storme: "How is your Debating Society getting along?"
Mrs. Karn: "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully."
* * *
"Why are they not speaking?"
"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."
"Well!"
"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."
* * *
"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good housekeeper."
"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."
* * *
She: "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby."
He: "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as she likes."
* * *
Elsie: "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' eat it all up."
Mother: "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."
Elsie: "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."
* * *
"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?"
"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."
* * *
"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"
"Twins."
* * *
Mrs. Bizzy: "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"
Casey: "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. 'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."
* * *
"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget."
"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting."
* * *
Miss Bizzy: "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."
O'Brien: "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know about them."
* * *
Cholly Lyttlebrayne: "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars."
Miss Thotless: "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"
* * *
Flora: "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter."
Dora: "What did you say in your last letter?"
Flora: "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."
* * *
The Husband: "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?"
The Wife: "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! I'm ready now'?"
* * *
Madge: "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"
Mabel: "Not yet—but I have given him my final 'No.'"
* * *
First Lady (effusively): "I am more than charmed to see you, my dear Mrs.—er—um—."
Second Lady (more effusively): "How lovely of you! So am I delighted. I do hope we'll meet again very, very soon, my dearest Mrs.—um—er—."
* * *
Prospective Bride: "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress—a wedding dress costs such a lot."
Dressmaker: "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fashion."
* * *
"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents."
"I thought he had dozens of your photos."
"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."
* * *
She: "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage."
He: "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements."
* * *
The Tabby-Cat: "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!"
The Parrot: "Wasn't it too bad of them—to go and break the set?"
* * *
First Burglar: "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"
Second Burglar: "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"
* * *
The Wife: "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."
The Husband: "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with."
* * *
"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."
"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."
* * *
The Ant: "Well, we've struck!"
The Gnat: "What for?"
The Ant: "Longer hours."
* * *
Effie: "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr. Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"
Mr. Mitcham: "How did you do that, my dear?"
Effie: "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the room!"
* * *
She: "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?"
He: "Oh, they seem to be quite reconciled."
* * *
He: "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion when I made such an awful ass of myself?"
She: "Which?"
* * *
Jones (who is of an inquiring mind): "Ain't you getting tired of hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"
Miss Belsize (a professional beauty): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of hearing people say, 'Is that the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"
* * *
Mrs. Montague Smart (suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago): "And now let us talk of something else!"
* * *
Mamma: "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"
Fair Debutante (who has a fine healthy appetite): "Oh, yes, Mamma—several people!"
* * *
Guest: "Well, good-bye, Old Man!—and you've really got a very nice little place here!"
Host: "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"
* * *
She: "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to the prettiest girl in the room!"
He: "But I don't want to dance with the prettiest girl in the room. I want to dance with you!"
* * *
"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One word more and I—I withdraw my overdraft."
* * *
Wife (at upper window): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"
"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."
"Well—you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."
* * *
Motor-Launch Officer (who has rung for full-speed without result): "What's the matter?"
Voice-from below: "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."
Commander: "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing—we want to get on."
* * *
Mother: "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"
Daughter: "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy. He's looking after him just now."
* * *
