JUSTIFICATION
Wife: "Two bottles of ginger ale, dear?"
He: "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?"
* * *
First Flapper: "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn't paid any fare."
Second Flapper: "And what did you do?"
First Flapper: "I just glared back at him—as if I had!"
* * *
Mollie (who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"): "Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack—anywhere you like."
Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog): "And if you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of pain?—and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient."
* * *
Governess: "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"
Mollie: "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."
Governess: "And what are little boys made of?"
Mollie: "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could hardly believe it."
* * *
"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"
"Of course. Why ask?"
"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."
* * *
Irate Parent: "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you—"
The Suitor: "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."
* * *
Wife: "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa! Who is it speaking?'"
* * *
Mrs. Goodheart: "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?"
Mr. Hardup: "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them on again in the morning."
* * *
"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you lost?"
"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to know where father and mother have wandered to."
* * *
Helen's elder sister: "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."
Helen: "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one—it would be so horrid when it twinkled."
* * *
"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"
"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"
"Yus—if she don't get it."
* * *
Child: "Mother, I have been good to-day—so patient with Nurse."
* * *
The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention until he came to his final instruction.
"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain cool."
* * *
Wife: "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of buying for yourself."
Husband (as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks): "Yes, dear, and you have succeeded."
* * *
Podger (to new acquaintance): "I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?"
Cooler: "I can easily find out by asking her—she is my wife."
* * *
Young Husband: "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake."
The Bride (smiling triumphantly): "That shows what you know about it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."
* * *
Wife (referring to guest): "He's a most attractive man; is he married?"
Husband: "I dunno. He's a reserved chap—keeps all his troubles to himself!"
* * *
Questioning a class, an inspector asked:
"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be right?"
"No, sir," was the reply.
"And why not?"
"Please, sir, because you wasn't."
* * *
Salesman: "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is fool-proof."
Sweet Thing (placidly): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you don't know my husband."
* * *
The Stage Manager: "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."
The New Hand: "Wot yer talkin' about—'run up the curtain'—think I'm a bloomin' squirrel?"
* * *
Old Gentleman (to new gardener): "Why do you always pull your barrow instead of pushing it?"
The Gardener: "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."
* * *
"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"
"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."
"But it's pouring! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such weather."
* * *
Lady (who has purchased a ready-made dress): "Tiresome this dress is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."
Cook (acting as lady's-maid): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."
* * *
HIS REPUTATION
Waitress: "He ain't no good, Lil—he's one of these fellers wot chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare to see wot he gets for it."
* * *
NOT UP-TO-DATE
Penelope: "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"
Clarissa: "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present day."
* * *
"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"
"I believe so. Why?"
"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."
* * *
NOT RESTRICTED
"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker."
"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"
* * *
John: "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."
Mirandy: "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer sure that the train'll show up—I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I git it."
* * *
The Wife: "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say."
"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean."
* * *
The Escort: Who's that fellow who seems to know you?
The Lady: Only a second cousin once removed.
The Escort: Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.
* * *
Voice (far off): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!
Satiated Camper: All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?
* * *
A GREAT ATHLETE
Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics.
"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold medal in a foot race."
"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell ye about my uncle at Ballycluna?"
"I don't remember," replied Pat.
"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"
"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"
"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all—at all," came the reply. "He kapes the pawnshop!"
* * *
NOTHING NEW TO HIM
The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked down a man without injuring him much.
She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to the solid earth and faced him manfully.
"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver. I've been driving a car for seven years."
"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been walking for fifty-seven years."
* * *
Lady (to pedlar): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the door."
Pedlar: "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure, appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."
* * *
There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.
* * *
Mother: It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.
Humphrey (aged five): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it aloud.
* * *
She (pouting): You don't value my kisses as you used to.
He: Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them sufficient payment for a new dress.
* * *
KNOWLEDGE
The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."
"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."
* * *
A HUMBLING SIGHT
An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.
"Is that me?" she queried.
"Yes, madam," replied the artist.
"And is it like me?" she again asked.
"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."
"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."
* * *
Dollie: Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very well.
Pollie (kindly): I know, but the poor thing wears the best she has, I suppose.
* * *
TROUBLESOME CUSTOMER
A woman who had visited every department of one of the big London shops and worried the majority of the salesmen without spending a penny, so exasperated one of them that he ventured to make a mild protest. "Madam," he asked, "are you shopping here?"
The lady looked surprised, but not by any means annoyed. "Certainly!" she replied. "What else should I be doing?"
For a moment the salesman hesitated; then he blurted out, "Well, madam, I thought perhaps you were taking an inventory!"
* * *
Officer (to sailor who has rescued him from drowning): Thank you, Smith. To-morrow I will thank you before all the crew at retreat.
Sailor: Don't do that, sir, they'll half kill me!
* * *
Steward: Can I do anything for you, sir?
Passenger (faintly): You might present my compliments to the chief engineer and ask him if there is any hope of the boilers blowing up.
* * *
Lady (to box office manager): Can you tell me what they are playing to-morrow night?
* * *
Box Office Manager: "You Never Can Tell," Madam.
Lady: Don't they even let you know?
* * *
Village Idiot: Beg pardon, mam, seeing you're painting the church, I thought I'd better tell you the clock is ten minutes fast.
* * *
Employer (rebuking employee for slackness): Have you any idea of the meaning of "Esprit de Corps"?
Stenographer: No, I haven't, and if it's anything vulgar I don't want to.
* * *
Sympathetic Lady: What's the matter with your hand, my little man?
Boy: Sawed the top of my finger off.
Sympathetic Lady: Dear, dear, how did you do that?
Boy: Sawing.
* * *
REMEMBERED
Blinks, after inviting his friend, Jinks, who has just returned from abroad, to dinner, is telling him what a fine memory his little son Bobby has.
"And do you suppose he will remember me?" said Jinks.
"Remember you? Why, he remembers every face that he ever saw."
An hour later they entered the house, and after Jinks had shaken hands with Mrs. Blinks, he calls Bobby over to him.
"And do you remember me, my little man?"
"Course I do. You're the same man that pa brought home last summer, and ma was so wild about it that she didn't speak to pa for a whole week."
* * *
NATURAL DEDUCTION
"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur.
"I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble.
"And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool."
"Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this morning?"
* * *
TOO GOOD
"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her employ, "I hear that you have married."
"Yassum, Ah done got me a husband now."
"Is he a good provider, Alice?"
"Yassum. He's powerful good provider, but Ah's powerful skeered he's gwine git catched at it."
* * *
AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT
Mother: "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys don't fight."
Johnnie: "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but after I hit him once, I found he wasn't."
* * *
TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA
Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired of his father:
* * *
"Dad, who was Mozart?"
"Good gracious, boy! You don't know that!" indignantly returned his parent. "Go and read your Shakespeare."
* * *
HE TAKES YOUR TIME
"The chief objection we have to the man who 'knows it all,'" remarked the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he knows shall know it all, too."
* * *
THE FLOOR HELD
"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend.
"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"
* * *
HIS DIFFICULTY
Real Estate Agent: "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don't see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"
Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser: "I was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."
* * *
THE REAL JOB
"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?"
"Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies."
* * *
OFF LIKE A SHOT
It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel.
"You say that you heard both shots fired?" he asked sternly.
"Yes, sir."
"How near were you to the scene of the affair?"
"At the time the first shot was fired I was about twenty feet from the prisoner."
"Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how far you were off when you heard the second shot."
"Well, sir," replied the witness slowly, "I didn't exactly measure the distance; but, speaking approximately, I should say about half a mile."
* * *
ANSWERED
She: "And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?"
He: "A bachelor."
* * *
TO BE SURE
Lily: "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me at the piano."
Edith: "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!"
* * *
A CLOSE CALL
Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the first time of his life, his amazement was great.
The vastness of his surroundings completely dazzled him, but when the 3.30 express dashed through the station, that did it. He kept his eyes glued on the tunnel through which it had disappeared, staring after it as though some kind of miracle had happened. He remained like this for several minutes, much to the amusement of the onlookers, until at length an inquisitive porter asked him what he was staring at.
"Oi was just thinkun'," he said, pulling himself together, "what a terribal smash there'd 'a' bin if he'd 'a' missed the 'ole!"
* * *
Breathless Visitor: Doctor, can you help me? My name is Jones——
Doctor: No, I'm sorry; I simply can't do anything for that.
* * *
They were talking over the days that will never return, so they asserted; the days when there was no thirst in the land. But they had particular reference to the old state militia camp of long ago. For be it known, there was much taken to camp in those days that had little to do with military training, and it was carried in capacious jugs and big bottles. Everybody expected his city friends to run down to the camp, and be called upon to act as an assuager of thirst. "The year I have reference to," said one of the old-timers, "was a notably wet one. The first night in camp everybody seemed to be bent on sampling what everybody else had brought down from the city. The result was that when the company of which I was a member was ordered to fall in the next morning to answer the roll-call there was a pretty wobbly line-up. We had a new sergeant—new to the routine of a camp, and after he had checked up he should have reported, 'Sir, the company is present and accounted for.' Instead he got rattled and said, 'Sir, the company is full.' Our captain, looking us over, sarcastically remarked, 'I should say as much, full as a tick.'"
* * *
READY AND WILLING
Magistrate: "Can't this case be settled out of court?"
Mulligan: "Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered."
* * *
An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he should do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when the doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you fo' what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling out. "I'se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."
* * *
An airman had been taking up passengers for short trips, and by the time his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions. He told his passengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his passengers until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently. "I'm so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I oughtn't to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can't help it. I thought perhaps you ought to know Annie's gone."
* * *
Chloe: I sho' mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin' on Friday.
Daphne: What bad luck done come to you?
Chloe: I sen' home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I was gwine keep out to wear to chu'ch on Sunday.
* * *
The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What—who?" stammered the professor absently. "Why interrupt me—isn't my wife at home?"
* * *
SARCASM
Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been engaged.
When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking round, he beckoned the chairman.
"I should like to have a glass of water on my table, if you please," he said.
"To drink?" was the chairman's idiotic question.
"Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort, "when I've been speaking half-an-hour I do a high dive."
* * *
NONE AT ALL
Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.
"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a safe journey."
"Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld mither."
"That's strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"
"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d'ye think you've got?"
* * *
ART AND NATURE
Husband: "What was that you were playing, my dear?"
Wife: "Did you like it?"
"It was lovely—the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"
"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was horrid."
"Well, the steak was burnt last evening."
* * *
MISUNDERSTOOD
Mistress: "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."
Maid: "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine, too?"
* * *
ALL BRAINS
A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture, and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat, looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:
"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"
"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.
"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of laughter.
* * *
THIRTEEN TO ONE
Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service, he announced:
"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"
Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.
* * *
A GOOD ACTOR
Neighbour: "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."
Farmer: "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working the last week he was here."
* * *
TOO SAD FOR THAT
A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.
"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.
The innkeeper looked pained.
"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it with all the calm resignation we can!"
* * *
The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain't dead."
* * *
Wife (enthusiastically): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day, dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford——
Hubby (resignedly): When have they promised to deliver it?
* * *
REALISED
Lawyer: "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."
Client: "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams of his youth."
* * *
NEVER MISS ONE
Elder sister: "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I could give you a wrinkle or two."
Younger sister: "No doubt—and never miss them."
* * *
A BAD NIGHT
The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel—one with a private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:
"Did you have a good night's rest?"
"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed was pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someone would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"
* * *
TRIPPED
The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly flowers about them—everything was just right for a proposal, and Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.
"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he asked gently.
"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"
"Ah! Miss Liscombe," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"
"Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly.
"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you," he said passionately. "You are too good—too beautiful. The man who wins you should love you for yourself alone."
"He'll have to," the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has the money—not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself."
"Oh—er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having, aren't we?"
* * *
THE GLOOMY GUEST
The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself to cheer him up.
"Er—have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.
"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.
* * *
"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"
"People kept thinking it was something to drink."
* * *
A well-known admiral—a stickler for uniform—stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: "Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"
* * *
First Little Girl: What's your last name, Annie?
Second Little Girl: Don't know yet; I ain't married.
* * *
Kloseman: I didn't see you in church last Sunday.
Keen: Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.
* * *
A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah," said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs to see dat I'se got on gloves?"
* * *
Dad (sternly): Where were you last night?
Son: Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.
Dad: Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.
* * *
Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah, there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's dresses."
* * *
A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business, but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer—that's what it is. Enough for an acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more, you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."
* * *
Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me for this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment. Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.
"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth a penny.'"
"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac. "Four dollars or nothing."
"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.
"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.
"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really worth."
* * *
NOT IN THE BUSINESS
"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it again?"
"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."
* * *
HER VIEWS
Mrs. de Vere: "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!"
* * *
Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's so common."
* * *
A GOOD MATCH
Proprietor: "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"
Assistant: "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and I showed him a soft hat."
* * *
