LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM
Old Job: "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"
Old Steve: "Why not choose the latter and get both?"
* * *
He (just introduced): What a very homely person that gentleman near the piano is, Mrs. Black!
She: Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.
He: How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the prettiest wives!
* * *
A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair, perusing the pages of a novel.
"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."
* * *
Pompous Publisher (to aspiring novice in literature): I have been reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I think—ahem!—very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.
Youthful Authoress (wishing to show herself most ready to accept advice): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have given you trouble?
* * *
FISHY RECORD
First Stenog. (reading): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a galleon!"
Second Stenog.: "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about them foreign cars."
* * *
A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.
"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"
* * *
"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."
"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."
* * *
Lady: Well, what do you want?
Tramp: Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the front——
Lady (with interest): Really——
Tramp: Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round to the back.
* * *
"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a consultation."
"Of doctors?"
"Of dressmakers."
* * *
"You discharged your office boy?"
"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and look wise."
"I guess you've seen the last of him."
"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency expert."
* * *
"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"
"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on it—such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."
* * *
PERFECT AGREEMENT
Mother: "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you agree once in a while?"
Georgia: "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I."
* * *
She: Jack is in love with you.
Her: Nonsense!
She: That's what I said when I heard it.
Her: How dared you!
* * *
Professor (endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic): Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?
Senior: A professor!
* * *
A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:
"What's the name of this wheel?"
"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.
He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:
"Can you recommend the Belva?"
* * *
"What this country needs is more production."
"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."
* * *
BOTTLED COURAGE
"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"
"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."
* * *
"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.
"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."
* * *
IT WORKED
A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.
"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:
"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"
"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.
"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the scarlet fever, I think."
"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."
He turned to obey.
"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the bread, said humbly:
"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"
"Get out of my shop."
He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently, another mountain of misery joined him.
"Well, Bill?" he said.
"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."
* * *
FILM FEVER
Nurse: "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"
Guy: "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."
* * *
THE DRUGGIST'S TURN
The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.
"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"
"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"
"Yes, but what—"
"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a prescription filled."
* * *
WRONG BROTHER
A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.
Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.
Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an ordinary tone to the other:
"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"
"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."
* * *
A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse—in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"
* * *
Doctor: "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed my directions, and that prescription did the business—what, you haven't taken any of it?"
Patient: "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"
* * *
"And about the salary?" said the movie star.
"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."
"All right."
"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it—you will get $500."
* * *
Prospective Employer: I suppose you have some experience of live stock?
Applicant for Post: Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.
* * *
A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.
"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"
* * *
Mr. Graham: "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every woman in jail!"
Miss F.: "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you put all the women in jail?"
Mr. Graham: "Stag-nation, of course!"
* * *
GUILTY
Sister: "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married."
Brother: "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."
Sister: "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't know what to confess."
* * *
"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love, honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.
"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.
* * *
"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah, I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."
"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."
* * *
Second-story Worker: "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What did it cost you?"
Burglar: "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"
* * *
The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.
"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.
"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.
"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.
"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.
* * *
He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the affirmative answer late at night.
"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."
"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the night rates."
* * *
TOO ENTHUSIASTIC
Wifey: "Henry, do you think me an angel?"
Hubby: "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all women are angels!"
"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"
* * *
BAD BOTH WAYS
Dobb: "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
Botham: "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."
"And did you post it?"
"No; she forgot to give it to me!"
* * *
HIS LITTLE MISTAKE
A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the village butcher's.
"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave you the other day?"
Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under the counter.
"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of confidence, "it ended like they all end."
"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"
And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived happy ever after."
* * *
"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."
"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is two poems and a short story."
* * *
TOUGH ON THE SENATOR
The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances.
"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him to-day?"
"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to heaven."
* * *
REDEEMING TRAIT
"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."
"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.
"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."
"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"
* * *
OFF
There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he penned the following note:
"Dear Miss Brown,—I return herewith your kind note in which you accept my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you will remember, is Thomas."
* * *
NOT A FATHER
A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.
"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.
"Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two kids."
* * *
WEDDING DECLARED OFF
John Willie (pleadingly): "Why can't we be married right away, Elsie?"
Elsie (coyly): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now."
John Willie (earnestly): "But, my darling, he has had you such a very long time."
Elsie (freezingly): "Sir!"
* * *
PERHAPS!
"You are a little goose!" remarked a young M.D. playfully to the girl he was engaged to marry.
"Of course I am," was the laughing response; "haven't I got a quack?"
* * *
A Northern man in an optician's shop in Nashville overheard an amusing conversation between the proprietor of the establishment and an aged darkey who was just leaving the place with a pair of new spectacles. As the old fellow neared the door his eye lighted upon an extraordinary-looking instrument conspicuously placed upon a counter. The venerable negro paused for several moments to gaze in open-mouthed wonder at this thing, the like of which he had never seen before. After a long struggle with his curiosity he was vanquished. Turning to the optician, he asked: "What is it, boss?" "That is an opthalmometer," replied the optician in his gravest manner. "Sho," muttered the old man to himself, as he backed out of the door, his eyes still fastened upon the curious-looking thing on the counter. "Sho, dat's what I was afeared it was!"
* * *
In many of the rural districts of the United States where money does not circulate with great rapidity services are paid for "in kind." Farmers, for example, will give potatoes, eggs, etc., in payment for debts. A young surgeon who had occasion to operate in one of these districts hopefully approached the husband of the patient and asked for his fee, which amounted to $100. "Doc," said the old man, "I haven't much ready cash on hand. Suppose you let me pay you in kind." "Well, I guess that will be all right," replied the young doctor, cheerfully. "What do you deal in?" "Horseradish, doc," answered the old man.
* * *
The ferryboat was well on her way when a violent storm arose. The ferryman and his mate, both Highlanders, held a consultation, and after a short debate the ferryman turned to his passengers and remarked, anxiously: "We'll just tak' your tuppences now, for we dinna ken what micht come over us."
* * *
NO DOUBT
"Lend me ten, Tom."
"I think not."
"You won't?"
"I won't."
"You've no doubt of my character, have you?"
"I haven't."
"Well, why won't you, then?"
"Because I have no doubt of your character."
* * *
Officer (drilling recruits): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you do?
Recruit: I yell.
Officer: Yell what?
Recruit: Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.
* * *
Doctor (at door, to butler): Tell your master the doctor is here.
Butler: The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving nobody.
* * *
Young Woman (holding out hand): Will you please tell me how to pronounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or turkwoise?
Jeweler (after inspecting it): The correct pronunciation is "glass."
* * *
Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for several nights. He didn't like it, and growled to his boss: "You've kept me workin' every night till 9 o'clock for three nights runnin' now, and I'm worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain't no machine. I can't go forever." His boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever next pay day."
* * *
The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I've got a message for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a slip of paper bearing the words: "It's time to get up."
* * *
A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The following dialogue took place:
"You've stolen no chickens?"
"No, sah."
"Have you stolen any geese?"
"No, sah."
"Any turkeys?"
"No, sah."
The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo' de Lawd, squire, if you'd said ducks you'd 'a' had me."
* * *
A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort of thing?"
* * *
THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS
"I can read my husband like a book."
"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."
* * *
"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss."
"What did she say?"
"Will that be all?"
* * *
NO KICK COMING
Merchant: Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents.
Agent: Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar?
* * *
NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT
The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he remarked in cheering tones:
"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's the way in the world."
"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.
"Nonsense!" ejaculated the vicar.
"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."
* * *
TOO TRUE
Screen Actress: I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day.
Manager: Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act.
* * *
CONSERVATIVE
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted.
A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.
"No, no! Square toes—must have square toes," he insisted.
"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are fashionable this season."
"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"
* * *
HE HAD HEARD OF THEM
It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour." Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the Himalayas?"
"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George Washington."
* * *
Mr. Goodsole: "Well, what do you want?"
Benny the Bum: "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the traffic to drive aroun' me."
* * *
WHAT DID HE MEAN?
A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported:
"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."
"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"
"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."
* * *
TRUE TO LIFE
Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his "picter" Ian MacPherson came along.
"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.
"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o' it?"
"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"
"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."
"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."
* * *
WHAT HE PREFERRED
"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.
"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was owed; "I prefer the cash!"
"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"
"A spade."
"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."
* * *
During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor, and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have a zero on this examination."
"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower than that."
* * *
The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who was tinkering with the pipes.
"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.
"Been in the trade long?"
"'Bout a year, guv'nor."
"Ever made any mistakes?"
"Bless yer, no, guv'nor."
"Oh, then, I suppose it is quite all right. I imagined you had connected up the wrong pipes, for the chandelier in the drawing-room is spraying like a fountain, and the bathroom tap is on fire."
* * *
A bright little newsie entered a business office and, approaching a glum-looking man at one of the desks, began with an ingratiating smile: "I'm selling thimbles to raise enough money to——"
"Out with you," interrupted the man.
"Wouldn't you like to look at some nice thimbles?"
"I should say not!"
"They're fine, and I'd like to make a sale," the boy continued.
Turning in his chair to fully face the lad, the grouch caustically inquired: "What 'n seven kinds of blue blazes do you think I want with a thimble?"
Edging toward the door to make a safe getaway, the boy answered: "Use it for a hat."
* * *
The lady was waiting to buy a ticket at the picture show when a stranger bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done intentionally.
"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."
"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."
* * *
Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."
* * *
BLOOD RELATIONS
Actor: "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"
Fulpurse: "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."
* * *
There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab.
The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it! You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over age!"
"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder, "a'carrying of two lots o' wood—one in yer cart an' the other under yer blinkin' 'at!"
* * *
SCOTCHED!
A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,
"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."
"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."
The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."
"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for all the parritch I have."
* * *
THE BRUTE!
Mrs. Newlywed: "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?"
Mr. Newlywed: "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"
Mrs. Newlywed: "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."
* * *
THE WHOLE TRUTH
Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.
"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"
"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see ye."
* * *
THE CONSUMER INFLAMED
"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.
"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.
"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.
* * *
HOW HE DID IT
First Theatrical Manager: "Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?"
Second Theatrical Manager: "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants in the army."
* * *
REALITY
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.
"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser.
"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill."
"That's no excuse," said the pastor.
"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see how you like it."
* * *
PURE CARELESSNESS
It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.
"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults."
"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."
* * *
A LEVEL-HEADED CAR
Irate Motorist: "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!"
Dealer: "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"
* * *
SUSPICIOUS
It was while on manœuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.
"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"
"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man I suspect o' doing it."
"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"
"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way—I see 'im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide."
* * *
A WONDER!
"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.
"That so?" asked Smith.
"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of some disease."
* * *
IN A FIX
Mrs. Muggins: "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her have yours?"
Mr. Muggins: "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's name on the handle."
* * *
SUCKED!
It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace.
On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it's so rude when people are about!"
"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"
* * *
HALF AND HALF
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.
Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."
The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a woman I would!"
* * *
REVENGE IS SWEET
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the pages were cadets."
"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.
"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"
* * *
NO EFFECT
"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"
"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at me and drove on."
* * *
A FUTURE FINANCIER
"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"
"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly. "You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little lad!"
"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"
* * *
A BAD CASE
"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"
"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think."
"And did he finally remember it?"
"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."
* * *
BLACK SUPERSTITION
Architect: "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"
Quickrich: "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study."
* * *
HALF A DUCK DEEP
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.
"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I thought you said it wasn't deep?"
"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles!"
* * *
