Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six
hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon,
they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out.He
screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says,
"Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my
spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up
and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary,
and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You
spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says,
"Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece
of spaghetti in there?"
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother
in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest,
take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits
dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided
to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little
Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big
Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost
there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad
Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little
Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you
don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're
gonna eat me just like the story says!"
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do
you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you
say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I
was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter
had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'
I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah,
well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying
'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life
you FUCKING BITCH'
A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees
a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the
guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I
was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed
me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The
cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped
out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to
clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters,
and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His
little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll
see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps
asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's
a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating
asshole!!", she screams.
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he
sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet,
and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof
chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep
without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You
asshole, I'm drowning."
"I've got some good news and some bad news"
the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The
bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live".
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?".
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see
that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way
up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies,
"I'm fucking her."
A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to
her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband
wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I
know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked
that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No,
that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I
can still mow the lawn."
Your girlfriend is ugly when...
(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.
(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
(6) She makes onions cry.
(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
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Blacks | Ethnic Variegated | Old Crappy Jokes | Handicapped | Polish | Jewish |
