One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town
with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob,
what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff
says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob
continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and
we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did."
"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got
pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill
so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling
and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the
same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay
Billy-Bob, go to town..."
One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed
a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse
which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog,
and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up
to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first
hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said
Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied,
"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill
thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down
and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental
surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take
the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the
base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty
scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go
ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks
later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts
feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable
and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does
he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table,
grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend
sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She
says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his
eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably,
but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".
A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary.
They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate
their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her
husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night
and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night
at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you
as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because
they are sitting in your soup."
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the
undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve
it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription
to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife
one Friday evening that reads...
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read
as follows...
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,
you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more
times than 54 goes into 18."
Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a
date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she
tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents.
The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make
love. Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself
,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go
over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms".
Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy
, and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look,
the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his
girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner,
well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his
girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a
religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your
dad is a pharmacist".
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like
to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the
podium. She said "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim,
had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The
pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim
was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible
pain.We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were
able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap
wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation
squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed
on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's
say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to
say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, ........the word is STERNUM!"
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or
four?"
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Blacks | Ethnic Variegated | Old Crappy Jokes | Handicapped | Polish | Jewish |
