Barney ruled his Mayberrian
kingdom with an iron fist (and a single bullet) - he was harsh, but fair. But who
were his denizens? What of his subjects, the nameless thrall who comprised his
domain?
Below you can find the primary playas and
biznagas in Mayberry's culture - each honored with a haiku.
Mayberry in Haiku
BARNEY FIFE
Bumbling
deputy's
Front
pocket houses bullet
To
shoot self in foot.
ANDY
TAYLOR
Folksy,
cornpone style
Perfectly
suits the sheriff
Mayberry's
sane voice
OPIE TAYLOR
Cherubic
young lad
Forced
to eat Aunt Bee's pickles
Now
has sour face
GOMER
PYLE
Naïve
grease monkey
Always
shouts out "Shazam"
Go
join the Marines!
FLOYD LAWSON
Ooooh, oooh, oooh, ooooooh, oooh
Ummm, oooh, oooooooh, um, say, ummm, uh
Get in chair, Andy
GOOBER PYLE
Yet
another Pyle
Muddling
up the gene pool
Makes
Gomer look smart
AUNT BEE
Frumpy
old gal
Granted
room in Andy's house
"Be
Kind to Prigs Week"?
OTIS
Mayberry's
jail cell
Is
a home away from home
Have
a drink on me!
ERNEST
T. BASS
Psycho hillbilly
Has
ample supply of rocks
Windows
are not safe
THELMA LOU
Loves
uniformed man
Barney
has a treat for you
Close
eyes, open mouth
BARNEY
FIFE
#
1
WITH
A
BULLET
MAYBERRY ACTION FIGURES KICK BUTT!
Follow my advice below, and you, too, can better enjoy playing with
YOUR Mayberry Action Figures and Sets!
Effective
use of Action Figures and Sets is very much about theatrics. In order to properly play
with Action Figures and Sets, it requires great concentration and total immersion into the
various characteristics and personas of the Action Figures and Sets. Do not even attempt
to use Action Figures and Sets if you are unwilling to devote to it the minimal amount of
requisite attentiveness and earnestness. You don’t want to be known as an Action
Figures and Sets poseur, do you?
Prior to using the Action Figures and Sets, do whatever it takes to mold your mindset into
a relaxed, open channel to conduit the energy and sheer joy (I said SHEER JOY!) inherently
possessed by the Action Figures and Sets. Meditate. Burn some incense. Remove any unwanted
body hair. Wax on, wax off. Smoke some grass. Sniff some glue. Whatever it takes to reach
that nirvanic state of Action Figures and Sets preparation – do it. It can only
enhance your pure, unadulterated Action Figures and Sets pleasure.
Once you have obtained the karmic balance (I said KARMIC BALANCE!) necessary to properly
use the Action Figures and Sets, choose the Action Figures and Sets with which you want to
play and strategically place them about the play area. I initially derived great pleasure
from playing with the Mayberry Action Figures and Sets, but unfortunately my wife flushed
them down the toilet. She said I had a problem. It would start out innocently enough with
Andy Taylor and Barney Fife cheerfully sitting about Mayberry’s jailhouse as Otis
slept off his previous night’s inebriation. However, invariably, it always
degenerated to the same thing - Barney and Aunt Bee stripped naked and rolling about
Mayberry’s town square covered in bacon grease as Thelma Lou and Opie play
mumbledy-peg with Floyd the Barber’s trimming shears. Doesn’t it always seem to
come to that? Anyway, it would frighten the children and my wife didn’t appreciate
the way I used the Mayberry Action Figures and Sets, thus the ignomious burial at sea.
Rest in peace, Goober Pyle, my drownded little Action Figures and Sets comrade.
JUST A FEW OF MY FAVORITE
MAYBERRY ACTION FIGURES!
RALPH
FURLEY
#
1
WITH
A
CONDOM
Don Knotts also starred in a 70s sitcom
called "Three's Company". I willingly gloss over the Furley Years.
They didn't really happen; I'm sure it was all a bad dream.
THE HISTORY OF DON KNOTTS CAREER
1924
Don Knotts born in Morgantown, West Virginia.
1941
Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor. Fortunately, Knotts
was in West Virginia at the time.
1948
Alien craft lands in Roswell, New Mexico. Knotts
uninjured.
1951
Knotts makes his television debut in daytime soap opera
"Search for Tomorrow." Bon Bon eating housewives across the nation
rejoice.
1957
Russians launch Sputnik, the first satelite.
Amazingly, this occurs 10 years prior to Knotts' role in "The Reluctant
Astronaut".
1958
Knotts displays his nervous mania in Andy Griffith's
feature film, "No Time for Sergeants". He had previously portrayed this
role in a wildly successful Broadway production.
1959
Knotts appears on popular television show, "The
Many Lives of Dobie Gillis". Maynard Krebbs reportedly jealous.
1960
Barney Fife makes his television debut on "The Andy
Griffith Show". The world would never be the same.
1963
Knotts portrays a nervous man in "It's a Mad Mad
Mad Mad World".
1963
U.S. President John Kennedy assassinated. Knotts
nowhere near Texas Book Depository at the time of the shooting and was never implicated in
any wrongdoing.
1964
Knotts brings the role of the incredible Henry Limpet
(in both human and fish form) to the big screen. Ichthyologists across the world
fascinated.
1965
Knotts ends his five-year run as Barney Fife on
"The Andy Griffith Show", thus condemning it to an utter dearth of funniness
excepting those episodes he returned as a guest star. There is much weeping and
gnashing of teeth.
1966
Knotts portrays Luther Heggs in "The Ghost and Mr.
Chicken". Attaboy, Luther!
1966
U.S. government makes the use of LSD illegal. Ken
Kesey and Timothy Leary very disappointed, Don Knotts unaffected.
1966
Jack Burns' ill-fated role as Deputy Warren Ferguson
ends on "The Andy Griffith Show". This short experiment proved
conclusively that Knotts was the greatest bumbling deputy in the history of television and
utterly irreplacable.
1966
British rock band, the Rolling Stones, release hit
single "Under My Thumb". Idle chatter starts to surface that Mick Jagger
is actually the illegitimate son of Don Knotts. Rumors never verified, but
resemblance uncanny.
1967
Knotts' hilarious "The Reluctant Astronaut"
released for U.S. audiences. The applause is deafening.
1968
Knotts stars in "The Shakiest Gun in the
West", propelling nervous dentistry to the forefront of national consciousness.
1969
Knotts appears as Hefner-like chick magnet in "The
Love God?" (along with former "Andy Griffith Show" regular, Maggie
Peterson). Movie is poorly received, but will one day be acknowledged as the
greatest comedy in the history of cinema.
1970
Short-lived variety television program "The Don
Knotts Show" debuts on network television. Communists take notice.
1970
Short-lived variety television program "The Don
Knotts Show" cancelled by network executives. Communist plot suspected.
1971
Ford Pinto debuts for American consumer public, is later
skewered for flaws causing safety hazards. Knotts never credibly linked to design
faults.
1974
Damadian granted a U.S. patent for magnetic resonance
imaging. Knotts never acknowledged for his contributions to MRI theory.
1975
Knotts appears in Disney's "The Apple Dumpling
Gang" in the role of a gangster. Despite his portrayal, Knotts opts to continue
with his career as an actor rather than taking up a life of crime.
1979
Knotts moves into Norman Fell's old apartment and begins
his role as the amorous Ralph Furley on "Three's Company". Once again,
there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth.
1986
Knotts reprises his role as Barney Fife in the
television movie, "Return to Mayberry". Deputy Warren Ferguson is
conspicuously absent and, in fact, is totally forgotten by everyone but me, appearing
nowhere but in my nightmares.
1989
Knotts makes the first of several guest appearances on
Andy Griffith's "Matlock" television series, reminding the world that he is
funnier than everyone else.
1991
Knotts provides voice characterization for Assistant
Principal Lamar Bone of the animated television series "Doug".
1993
The Toronto Blue Jays major league baseball team win
their second consecutive World Series championship. Knotts denied the opportunity to
play second base.
1995
Knotts passed over for lead role in big budget, aquatic
motion picture "Waterworld". Protagonist portrayed by Kevin Costner
instead. Without Knotts, movie flops dismally.
1998
Knotts appears as nostalgic television repairman in big
screen hit, "Pleasantville".
2002
Don Knotts lends his voice to a popular Scooby-Doo video
game, introducing himself to a new generation of Don Knotts fans.
2025
Earth invaded by horde of Martians.
2026
Supreme World Leader M'garabb Zorgnut names Don Knotts
the greatest comedian in the history of the known universe. There is much rejoicing
and dancing in the streets.
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