ALTAR CALL 2004

Altar Call 2005

Return to the Promised Land

“Football is a religion and Saturday is the holy day of obligation.” – Bob Ufer, Michigan Holy Man

The 26^th Year of our Lloyd, the 11^th Year of his reign as Leader of the Best

Father John to the whole congregation of Michigan and to the Team: Come near before the Lloyd, for he has heard your murmurings. And behold, he says to you, “I have heard your murmurings and I tell you now, you will consume the outsiders first, and you shall then take on the best of the Mighty Eleven, and they, too shall fall before your Sword and your Hermann. And when the cold snow falls, you shall come again to the Promised land, where Roses bloom in Winter. Then your murmurings will cease. Then you shall BELIEVE!”

And the people heard and they declared that they believed.

There came to the people an enemy from the land of Bears and Cubs. And the enemy was likened to a pack of wild dogs, for they would tear opponents and devour their enemies. And these Huskies pulled together and they managed great loads. And the fans saw them and cried out in fear to the Lloyd.

“Oh, Lloyd,” cried the people, “Do you not see the enemy? How shall we conquer them? For behold! They have conquered the mighty Terrapins and they have conquered even the Tide! Surely they will surprise us and swamp us and remove our glory.” And the people shook with fear at this first test in battle.

Then the Lloyd said to Chad Henne, “Stretch out your arm over the heads of thine enemies and throw them into the sea of Blue.” And Henne did as the Lloyd said. And behold as the dogs of war rushed against him, yet his arm over threw them and they were dashed against the sidelines. And the Wolverines prevailed and the people roared with delight,

“We will sing to the Victors

For the Lloyd has triumphed gloriously

The Huskies and their sleds he has thrown into the sea of Blue.”

And the people saw and they believed.

But behold! On the horizon came a glint of green and gold. Again the people began to cry and wail.

“Lloyd, our Lloyd!” they cried. “Behold a terrible enemy is coming upon us. We hear their singing and the Giant Weiss-guy who leads them! Even their name means battle. Our forebears fell before them; yea, they conquered us in their lands last year and they come now to conquer our House! Save us, oh Lloyd!”

And the Lloyd heard their cries and had compassion.

“Why do you fear the tiny people from the Isle of Erin? For they shall be but corned beef and cabbage, shredded before you. By my word, you shall prevail.”

And behold, the Lloyd Tabbed the offense and brought the Woods from the defense and the Wolverines ran and danced a jig. And the pipes and the fiddles that were brought to wake up the echoes fell silent. And the thunder that fell from the sky was a volley cheer for the Victors, and the loyal sons hung their heads for the long march home. For the Wolverines did smite the small green ones and sent them home to Their Lady, bruised and defeated.

And the people sang a song to the Victors,

“Who is like thee, O Lloyd, among the coaches?

Who is like thee, successful in battle?

Terrible in glorious deeds, bringing great wonders to our House!”

And the people saw and they believed.

Even as the people rejoiced in their victory, the sky began to darken in the west. And behold, the people looked up and saw the sun Maize sun was being blotted out by a giant flock of Green Eagles approaching from their nearby nests.

And the people cried out, “Yea, the Lloyd has saved us not once, but twice. And we have been strong before the Lloyd. But will our Hermann fail us before the onslaught from the sky? Do not leave us to the Hermann, for we cannot survive if you do!”

“For even though we should pluck the feathers from the Eagles and make them to fall from the sky, yet have we not failed in the past? Have not our doubts brought us to defeat even when victory was within our grasp?”

And the Lloyd called out to them in their hesitation and said unto them, “In the morning you shall meet together; in the afternoon you shall raise your voices in song; by the evening, you shall taste the sweet wine of victory.”

And the people and the team were reassured and it came to pass, even as foretold by the Lloyd. And the morning and the evening came, and victories numbered three.

And the people saw and they believed. And for a time, they forget their worries and fears.

And so it came to pass that all the congregation of the people moved on from their House to make Camp at the Randall. And they traveled to the West to the Land of Cheese.

And while the people feasted on Cheese and Beer, behold the enemy gathered before them and prepared for battle. But the battle did not come in the morning. The battle did not come at the noon. By early evening, the people began to cry in fear and to find fault with the Lloyd.

“How can you bring us victory in our House, only to drive us to disaster at Camp Randall in the night? For we have not known night battles and we are afraid, yet still you drive us on! The darkness and the cold shall overwhelm us!”

And the Lloyd said, “Take the elders of the team and take three young backs. And give the elders command and they shall calm the seas. And give the burden to the young backs and they shall carry it. And tell Jackson to hold his arm out straight and high and not to falter. And he shall light the way for the youngsters and they shall lead. And the darkness shall not overcome them.”

And it was done as he said and indeed, it came to pass exactly as the Lloyd had commanded. And the young Wolverines ran and carried a great load. Time and again they carried the load; first one and then another carried the load until the battle was won and victory assured.

And the Lloyd said, “This day the King Alvarez has been vanquished and he shall never more bring fright to our people.”

And the people rejoiced and broke out in song again, praising the Lloyd and proclaiming their belief. And they broke Camp and returned to the Land of Michigan.

The road home was long and the entire congregation of the people stopped by the river of the Red Cedar to take rest and refresh their weary bones. For the battle of the Camp had taken its toll on them.

And the sky was dark, for the new moon was not yet upon them, and the people were huddled together when they suddenly saw an apparition before them. Behold, it was a Burning Couch, and a voice came from the Burning Couch that made the people tremble with fear.

“Now comes the Timekeeper and the Green Giants,” called the voice from the Couch, “and the ‘conquering heroes’ shall themselves be conquered on the ‘morrow.”

And the people trembled with fear and called out to the Lloyd, “Oh save us! Save us from the Burning Couch and the Green Giants.”

And the Lloyd said, “Hearken attentively to my voice and do all that I say, and your enemy’s strengths will become your own strengths.”

“When the enemy sings their song, JOIN THEM in the verse, “See their team is weakening” and their own words will slay them.”

“When the game approaches its end, the Timekeeper will preserve time, but the Giants will falter and the time will become yours and not theirs; I shall give the extra time unto you, should you need it.”

“The enemy will be broken by his own words and will fall upon his own sword.”

And so it was said, and so it came to pass.

And the people erupted in cheers and song. And praising the Lloyd was again upon the lips of the congregation. And once more, the people saw and they declared that they believed. And they returned to their House where a Homecoming celebration met them with parade and party.

In the security of their Big House, the people partied and celebrated and patted themselves on the back. And the people forgot the Lloyd and how he had delivered them. Instead, they congratulated each other and their heads grew large and they became full of themselves.

And while they were dancing, there descended upon them a plague of rodents. They swarmed from out of the ground and they covered everything, such that the people were unable to move without encountering the abominable beasts.

Seeing the Gophers and realizing their own wanton state, the people suddenly grew fearful again and forgot their glee. “Oh, Lloyd,” they cried, “The rodents have come to steal our joy and crash our party! We are ill-prepared for their speed and desire. Save us, oh Lloyd, from explosive Gophers!”

And the Lloyd raised his Staff and he called unto Hermann and English and he said, “Take Watson and Massey and give unto them hard crusted bread, for they will create a Maroney sandwich. And make the Gophers as cucumbers in a Mason jar; for they shall be pickled.”

And the Lloyd said unto Loeffler and Campbell and Jackson, “Our swiftest runners will be Avantages and Henne shall hit the Breaston the mark not two times, but thrice. Make it so and it shall be.”

And his Ron and his Staff, they comforted them. And so it came to pass that the rodents were routed and fled back to the land from whence they came.

And the people again proclaimed their Belief. But once more, their faith was short-lived as a mechanical sounding roar was heard faintly in the distance.

“Oh, Lloyd,” the people declared. “You have rescued us from small rodents only to throw us to the Lions! We have been deceived and surely we shall fall.”

And the Lloyd heard the people, and he said to them,

"The roaring of the old lion and the voice of the fierce lion,

And the teeth of the young lions are broken.

The old lion perishes for lack of prey,

And the whelps of the lioness are scattered.

You will tread upon the lion as the gopher,

The young lions you will trample down.”

And so it came to pass that the Lions rushed into the Big House of the people, only to be scattered and trampled. The teeth of their attack were broken and their bite was of no effect. And the Team and their Leader emerged triumphant again.

And the people cried aloud,

“Seven times we have been delivered

Great is the Lloyd

His staff scatters the lions and gathers the fruits of victory.”

And the entire congregation of the people declared that they were believers.

And then the people were called together and it was declared unto them, “Gird your loins for we must journey to distant lands to conquer the usurpers. The journey will be hard and the battle difficult. Prepare!”

And the people cried out a long and despairing wail, “How shall we survive this test? For we are not prepared for the swift hunting birds of the air; how shall we abide their attack?”

And the Lloyd said, “The road to the Promised Land passes through many tests. I shall lead you to the place of which I have spoken. I shall show you the way, but you must walk the path and you must run the race. It will not be done for you, but it shall be done by you if you truly believe.

Repent, therefore, and make your way through fields of gold. You shall remember me when the west wind moves upon the fields of gold.”

And the Team and the congregation gathered their weapons and their songs and they traveled to the land of the Hawkeyes for the biggest battle on the road to the Promised Land.

And the Lloyd said to the people, "You shall not shout nor let your voice be heard nor let a word proceed out of your mouth, until I tell you, `Shout!' Then you shall shout!"

Now the battle raged for most of the day and neither foe nor friend could gain the upper hand. The people cried with worry and begged the Lloyd to turn the battle, but he remained silent. And then the people were give Hart and he gave unto them the points they desired. At the seventh point, when the Band blew the trumpets, the Lloyd said to the people, "Shout! For you have been given the Victory!” And the walls of the Hawkeye defense came tumbling down.

Now for a cheer they are here, triumphant!

Here they come with banners flying,

In stalwart step they're nighing,

With shouts of vict'ry crying,

We hurrah, hurrah, we greet you now,

Hail!

And the number for the Team was eight, even as the congregation ate corn and Taters. And the people rejoiced and declared that they truly believed now.

On the long road home to their Big House, the people were singing and chanting,

Far we their praises sing

For the glory and fame they've brought us

Loud let the bells them ring

For here they come with banners flying

Far we their praises tell

For the glory and fame they've brought us

Loud let the bells them ring

For here they come with banners flying

Here they come, Hurrah!

But the road was filled with shadows and glowing eyes of Wildcats. As they sang the song together and as others sang along, their voices lifted higher until they saw the throng. But by the time they stopped the song, the Cats had attacked.

“Lloyd, Lloyd, save us!” The people forgot their joy and scattered before the shotgun-like attack of the cagey cats.

“But the Lloyd called to his team and he said, “Henne and Hart, Massaquoi and Ecker, Martin and Grady; come forth!” And they cried, “We are here, Lloyd!”

And again the Lloyd said, “Hall and Mason, Biggs and Massey, Crable and Woods and Woodley! Come hither!” And again they cried, “We are here, Lloyd. And we believe!”

When the Wildcats heard the noise of the shout, they said, "What does the noise of this great shout in the camp of the Wolverines mean?" Then they understood that Belief in the Lloyd had returned to the camp and they ran in fear. And the Wildcats were routed and chased from one end to the other. And great was the victory that day. Nine were the victories as nine lives ended for the cats.

And the people returned home to their Big House where they rested and pondered all the wonders that had occurred on the great journey to the Promised Land. They recalled the great adventures of the past and the words of the prophet, “You shall run like a bull with a bee in your ear.” And the people smiled and believed.

While they were resting, they were assaulted by a marauding band of Hoosiers. But this time there were no cries of worry. This time the entire congregation of the people Believed. And the team ran like penguins with hot herrings in their cummerbunds. And the surprise of the Hoosiers was short-lived and they fled in fear. “Surely the Lloyd is with them,” they cried as they fled. And the victory was complete and it was the tenth.

Soon, far too soon, there came a dark cloud from the south. Scarlet red, like blood flowing in battle were their banners. Grey as the storm cloud-filled sky were their garments. Loud were their cries, and they could be heard across the field.

The earth reverberated with a mighty cheer, “Rah! Rah! Rah!” and many fled before them. Eleven warriors, brave and bold, stood before the gates of the Big House. “You shall not pass the line,” they cried, “and we shall smash through to victory!”

Some of the people of the congregation trembled. Some cried in fear. But most recalled the battles of the past few months. Many had faith in the Lloyd. And they cried to the others, “Do you not recall how you were delivered from the teeth of the Huskies and the hands of the Irish? Have you no memory of escape from Eagles and Badgers and Spartans? How can you forget the defeat of the Gophers and being snatched from the jaws of the Lions? And were you not saved from the Hawks and the Wildcats? How then, can you fear this enemy?”

“As the prophet said, ‘You cannot lose. You can only beat yourselves.’”

Heed the words of one of the greatest Leaders in our glorious history: "What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve. And those who stay will be champions."

And a shudder went down the spines of the Team and the Congregation and even the invading Buckeyes. For all knew a great and glorious battle was about to be joined. The one left standing would win Roses and Glory and Honor. The Victor would travel to the accolades and parades of the Promised Land. As so they prepared.

Across the Valley of Turf stood the two armies. Smith and Zwick, Mangold and Schnittger, Ginn and Tonic stared across the battlefield, drinking in the moment. Facing them were the legions of Stenavich and Kraus, Jackson and Van Alstyne, Henne and Breaston.

And the congregation heard the word of the Lloyd as a still, small voice in the midst of the battle roar. And the Lloyd said, “Arise, set out and pass through the defenders of the South. Look, I have given to you the knowledge and the power. All you require is the belief and the execution.”

"When you go out to battle against your enemies and see linemen and receivers and people assembled against you, do not be afraid of them; for the Lloyd your Coach, who brought you through the lands of Wisconsin and Illinois and Iowa, is with you.”

And the battle raged and neither team would give quarter. And the Scarlet and Grey warriors struck hard and fast; the Maize and Blue bent and moved, but never broke rank. And still the war went on.

Late in the day, the Nuts of Columbus struck a deep wound and the Believers faltered. The Maize sun was obscured by Grey clouds. All looked lost. But in their jubilation, the Grey ones turned their backs before the men of Michigan, towards the direction of their trumpets and citizens. Even as they did so, the sky turned Blue and the Believers struck back. The battle overtook them while those who came as substitutions from the side destroyed them in the midst of more than one hundred thousand thunderous people.

The grey clouds broke and the song of the ages echoed from the skies as the congregation rejoiced;

Hail! to the victors valiant

Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes

Hail! Hail! to Michigan

The leaders and best!

Hail! to the victors valiant

Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes

Hail! Hail! to Michigan,

The champions of the West!

And so the journey to the Promised Land came to a glorious end. It was as it had been foretold. It happened as true Believers knew it would happen. Eleven battles had been fought. Despite fears and murmuring, eleven battles had been won. The gates of the Promised Land opened. Only one thing stood between the Return to Glory and the Believers.

The Bowl of Roses lay before the Team. Another greedily eyed the same Bowl. Another enemy growled. Another battle was inevitable before the final prize would be handed to the Lloyd by the throngs of Believers.

But now the Team and the Congregation knew. Now they Believed. The inevitable would happen as it had been foretold. Because the Lloyd had told them what the prophets had told him long before: “Believe and you will achieve. Stay and you will be Champions.”

Know that the Holy One, even Bob Ufer, is looking down at you from football's Valhalla and he's saying to you ...’Boys, you can do it. MEE-CHIGAN can do it. MEE-CHIGAN can do anything.’

I BELIEVE!

Amen.

The contents of this Altar Call 2005 are copyrighted and may not be used without the expressed, written consent of Father John Haldane. If you wish to post it on other football boards or share it in other public forums or media, please contact Father John at father_john@hotmail.com for permission, which will not be unreasonably withheld. All postings of this Altar Call 2005 must include this notice.

NOTES: Thanks and a tip of the Ufer Fedora to my father, Rev. Dr. Robert Haldane, Jr., for creative ideas, inspiration, and great Go Blue support. This is the ninth consecutive year that Father John has written an Altar Call at the start of the college football season. The first Altar Call in 1997 predicted with uncanny accuracy the undefeated, national championship season of the University of Michigan. Each year thereafter, the Michigan faithful have requested another Altar Call as a token of good luck and an elixir of emotional support for the coming season. May all who share in this latest missive find an excited soul and a deep BELIEF in the Team, the Team, the Team! May you always bask in the blessings of the Bo, the Lloyd, and the Ufer’s Spirit. Amen.