The Unspoken AbuseSomewhere around my eighth or ninth birthday, my oldest brother Jack acquired a slingshot. Not one of the Dennis-the-Menace variety, but a full-out, scientific marvel made of rubber tubing, a wrist support, plastic and leather. He and several of his friends tested it out on a neighborhood cat. They kneeled around the cat and played with it until it was calm and trusting of them, then Jack put a large steel slug in the slingshot’s pouch, and drilled the cat’s head from just three feet away. The cat twitched a few times, then died, its skull shattered. I was ordered not to tell anybody, and knowing my brother, I had no intentions to cross him. The next day, I got off the school bus and began the short trek home. After the first whistling sound passed my head, I looked up and around. At the end of our driveway, aiming for his second shot stood Jack. The next slug struck the ground just off to my right; I could hear him laughing as I dropped my books and ran. Another slug flew just over my shoulder, but with my head start, I was able to get far enough away from Jack to find a good hiding spot in a hedge where I stayed for the next hour. When I finally came out, Jack was hunting for me at the house next door; again, I took off running, slugs zinging past me and ricocheting in the dirt. This time, I did the smartest thing I could think of: I ran to a neighbor‘s house and rang the doorbell until she answered and let me in, where I could hide until my parents came home from work. My father punished Jack by taking away the slingshot, hiding it in my parent’s bedroom where Jack would find it again a week later. Aside from Jack beating me for getting it taken away in the first place, the “hunting” started again as soon as he found the slingshot. • • • I recall childhood as a sequence of many such incidents. In today’s society, spousal and child abuse have been publicized to the point where public awareness is at an all-time high. However, there is a far less-publicized problem which occurs to a much greater extent: sibling abuse. In 1990, Dr. Vernon Wiehe of the University of Kentucky conducted a landmark study to determine the actual frequency of sibling abuse. For comparison, an estimated 5% of all children are abused by their parents each year and about 10-12% of all spouses are abused each year. Both statistics pale in comparison to the estimated 53% rate of sibling abuse that Dr. Wiehe discovered in his study. While this may seem high at first glance, it doesn’t even begin to tell the full story. Dr. Wiehe’s study consisted of polling adults with siblings as to their experiences as children. This study came up with a 53% abuse rate, quite low compared to other studies that have been conducted. A different study of 272 adolescents determined that the rate of physical abuse alone was 65% for 1990. Other studies conducted between 1990 and 1997 range between 67% and 88%. One study done in 1980 by Dr. Murray Straus of the University of New Hampshire found that the average sibling experiences 21 acts of physical violence per year from a sibling. Another statistic from a study done in 1990 by Drs. Roscoe and Goodwin of Central Michigan University showed that .3% of those families polled had a child attack a sibling with a knife or gun. While that may seem an insignificant percentage, that equates to about a 1 in 333 ratio; this would mean our local high school had at least six students attempt to murder a sibling in the past year. To truly comprehend the severity, one has to look at both the physical and mental aspect of the abuse. Physical abuse has been defined as “any willful behavior which results in non-accidental physical injury”, a simple and straight-forward definition. But more frequent is the emotional abuse, basically made up of terrorizing, insulting and corrupting the sibling. While the physical abuse is the more dangerous form of abuse, the emotional side is more far-reaching in its effects, lasting throughout adulthood. To prevent overreaction, parents must also be able to make the distinction between “sibling rivalry” and “sibling abuse”. Consider that if one child is always the aggressor and one child always the victim, then it is an abusive situation. The blurring between these two terms, one considered harmless, the other dangerous and abhorrent, has led to the differing opinions on the severity of the problem. • • • Summertime, when Jack was out of school, was always the worst for me. After watching a movie that had a scene of “Chinese Water Torture” in it, Jack decided that he wanted to see the effects of it first-hand, so he beat me until I agreed to do it. Then, I lay on the kitchen counter, head in the sink under the faucet, and Jack started the faucet dripping onto my forehead. He asked me f it was doing anything, and by mistake, I told the truth: “No.” Jack became enraged, turned the faucet on full, grabbed me by the throat and held me under the water, filling my nose and mouth. When he finally let me up, and I fell off the counter, coughing up water, he kicked me in the ribs with a firm warning: “Don‘t tell anybody or it‘ll just happen again.” I never did tell. • • • Like the other forms of abuse, there are generally certain characteristics of the home that are evident, though they can’t truly be earmarked as “causes”. There is a very logical correlation in that, if there is other abuse in the home, sibling abuse is more likely. There are also several items that, while not present in every case, were seen as consistent in most cases by the Sasian (Sibling Abuse Survivors Information and Advocacy Network ) Organization:
Dr. Arthur Green of Columbia University offers up the following additions to this list:
While psychologists have a hard time agreeing on the severity of sibling abuse, they do agree on the causes of it. Dr. Gelles of the University of Rhode Island stated “People hit family members because there are no physical, social or emotional costs (to the abuser), and the least costly form of all family violence is hitting a sibling.” This is a constant thread through all research on the subject; it is rare that somebody steps in and says that it is an abusive situation. In fact, parents are three times more likely to ignore a situation than to step in and help children sort out conflicts. Researchers found that parents do this for any of the following reasons:
There is disagreement among psychologists about this subject. Despite research, many psychologists insist that sibling abuse is a minor or rare problem, or even that it’s necessary to raise a well-adjusted child. Two such psychologists agree that sibling abuse teaches kids to manage and resolve conflicts, building competence, morality and courage. They also say it teaches relationship skills, such as the ability to deflect aggression and surrender without debasing self. Finally, it allows for displacement of aggression, though one must ask if a child is an appropriate target. • • • It was a normal Arizona early spring day: the morning temperature was in the 50’s, but by afternoon the temperature was hovering around 100. I’d just poured myself a cup of Kool-Aid, several ice cubes in it, and was sitting outside on the patio, since my brother was in control of the TV inside. For no reason, Jack came outside. “You drink out of that yet?” I responded no. “Give it to me,” he said, standing menacingly. Again, I decided to resist. “There’s more in the fridge,” I said, moving the cup to my lips. Jack grabbed my hand, stopping it, leaned forward and spit in the Kool-Aid; not ordinary spit, but the kind of spit a 15 year-old smoker with a cold can muster. “Now, drink it.” I tried to stand so I could dump it out, but Jack forced me back down. “Drink it.” One look at the green glob of brown-flecked mucous was all I needed to determine there was no way I was drinking it; I flung the cup off the patio into the lawn. Big mistake. Jack began punching me: chest, gut, arms, legs. I tried to cover up as best I could, but every exposed part became a target, especially my ears. When he was done, and I’d been reduced to blubbering and bleeding, he grabbed me by the hair. I was half-walked, half-dragged out into the lawn. “You’ll wish you’d drank it now. Stay out here until I tell you to move.” He finally let me out of the sun three hours later. It was 4pm, most likely chosen because our parents usually came home from work well after five. I wasn’t severely hurt, just bruised and sore, but I was badly sunburned and dehydrated. My brother was told not to do it again. • • • Unfortunately, the after-effects of sibling abuse are the most damaging, and hardest to quantify, ramifications. The physical damage, something that should be obvious, is almost undetectable. Hospitals are required to alert the authorities anytime there is a suspected case of child abuse, and most have procedures in place for a battered woman; however, none that were contacted for this article reported that they had any standards to follow in cases of sibling abuse. There are no state or federal laws that require reporting of it. In short, if a child is brought into an emergency room with a serious injury and the child says that his sibling caused it, nothing is done. Making it even harder to detect is the fact that most perpetrators of this crime are minors, and thus their records are sealed. However, by seeing the amount of cases in the news of actual murders perpetrated between siblings, it’s not hard to imagine the rates of injury flowing through our emergency rooms. Multiply that by all the bruises, bloody noses and other wounds that don’t require medical attention and are never reported and you get a better idea of the scope of this problem. The emotional and mental damage is something far more quantifiable, and in the long-run, much more damaging. We have more information due to the need for psychiatric treatment and therapy sought out by the victims later in life. Here we see a litany of issues. Psychologist Stephen Bank says inferiority complexes and humiliation run rampant, caused by being a victim but not being recognized as such. Guilt is another overwhelming issue; in an odd twist, Dr. Sinika Gary of United States International University showed that the abuser actually feels less guilt for the abuse than the sibling who was abused. Self-esteem is lower, depression rates are higher. Many survivors of sibling abuse show symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, the same disorder popularized with former prisoners of war and hostages. In cases of extreme abuse, some survivors have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, which includes some severe symptoms: suicidal tendencies, compulsions/rituals, phobias, flashbacks, amnesia/blackouts, panic attacks, addictions to alcohol or drugs, eating disorders, sleep disorders, even hallucinations. All of this, of course, leaves out the most important after-effect of abuse: the legacy of it. Most abusers will abuse people throughout their lifetimes, be it spouses or children, a fact that has been established in countless studies. The siblings they have abused will oftentimes enter an abusive marriage; many others will end up becoming the abuser, to either a spouse or child. Very few escape without continuing the chain. • • • Anytime Jack saw something on TV, he assumed it was real and needed to try it. In a MASH episode, Hawkeye makes Major Burns wet his bed in his sleep by laying his hand in a bucket of warm water. Jack, watching with his friends, made bets that he could get me to wet my bed that night. My brother’s mistake was in actually telling me he was going to use his “voodoo” to make me do it. Even at nine-years old, I was smart enough to know something else would be involved. That night, I leaned two heavy dictionaries, end-on-end, against the door to my bedroom. Sure enough, a few hours into the night, I awoke to a loud bang and found Jack in the doorway, holding a bucket of water. He turned and left without a word It couldn’t have been more than an hour later when Jack returned, this time with a cup of his own urine, which he poured over my crotch, making sure to shake the last drops onto my face, all the while with a hand clamped over my mouth. He also had a knife, a large butcher knife, that he held in the same hand as the cup. “Not a word, and you sleep in this ‘til morning.” I didn’t make a sound, nor sleep again, until my normal waking time. Jack presented my stained sheets for his friends to see the next day, and collected on his bets. They spent the rest of the day ridiculing me, and I remember crying the entire day. • • • So, obviously, it’s a parent’s best interest to do everything possible to prevent or stop sibling abuse from happening. Fortunately, this is one area that’s well researched and documented, and there is a lot of information easily available on the Internet. An excellent web site is www.sasian.org, operated by the Sasian Organization. Preventing sibling abuse is fairly straight-forward. Stopping rivalries from cropping up is the first step, as that is normally the precursor to abuse. This is most easily accomplished by working with the kids involved in the rivalry and refusing to take sides. Also, the parent must set limits to identify what types of behavior are acceptable; this helps stop the violence from actually starting. Don’t put too much responsibility for the younger children in the hands of the older children, as this is one of the key ingredients in many abuse cases. Also, make it a point to talk to each of your children, one on one, especially if the children were just left alone together. This will enable a better flow of communication in case one of the children has been abused. Finally, stress non-violence to your children, and show them how to resolve conflicts peacefully. If you believe that abuse is occurring among your children, it’s important to take quick action.
For help, the National Child Abuse Hotline is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-4-A- CHILD. • • • One advantage I did have in my bedroom was that the foot of my bed was close to my door, and the bed was very heavy. If I needed a place to hide, and I could make it to my room in time, I was able to plant my feet against the foot of my bed, back against the door, and even at my age, I was able to hold the door against Jack’s attempts to enter. However, this also wore on Jack as the attacks became more frequent with age, and it frustrated him to not be able to get to me. Jack’s frustration came to a head finally. He decided to get back at me by setting a simple trap. Some of his friends were over, and I could hear Jack and at least one of them doing something outside my door, but I couldn’t tell what. After enough time had passed, I could hear Jack and what sounded like all his friends back outside at the pool; I chanced it, opening the door. Jack and his friend had brought in a 7 or 8 foot 4x4 from the garage, leaning it against the door so it fell in on me when I opened the door. My memory is very fuzzy, but I believe it hit me flush with the top part of my face; I know it hit me in the forehead, because, though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was knocked unconscious. I base this on the fact that I remember being hit, then the next thing I see is Jack and a couple friends gathered around, looking very nervous; I had dried blood all over my face from a massive nosebleed, and I was in severe pain. I also have no idea how this was explained to my parents, nor do I recall any punishment; I believe the official story was a “bike accident”. • • • I will admit, my story’s a bit more severe than probably most. However, it’s also not nearly as severe as others; I’m still alive. I managed to escape my childhood with only a few small scars and a single trip to the emergency room (no abuse report filed, of course). What I’ve noticed most is the mental effects. I’m still skittish and on edge at those few family get-togethers we have where Jack shows up, even though he’s no longer an abusive person and I’m now much larger than him. When I’m confronted with a hyper-aggressive individual, every impulse in my body tells me to cower in fear, regardless of any size differences. Self-esteem isn’t even a question; I sincerely believe that all compliments are meant just to set me up for some sort of insult, so I block out even the most sincere of flattery. I have actually told my wife that I will not have more than one child, out of fear of what the oldest child will do. I know my younger sister, while free of the physical abuse, went through the same emotional ordeals I did; these days, she’s a drunk-nightly alcoholic, dabbling in hard drugs and unable to keep a job or relationship for more than a couple months. My other brother, only a year older than me, somehow seems to have made it through unscathed, though I don’t recall him ever being the focus of the abuse. This is the first time I’ve ever told these stories of what happened to me over twenty years ago. One would think that time would heal all wounds, but I’ve found that not to be the case, as the wounds continually find new ways to open and show the hurt. Some say that telling your story helps the healing process; I tend to disagree. There’s no great weight off my shoulders, no shadow gone from over my head, just me typing a story. I use my examples to show what can happen if this problem is ignored in childhood. My brother didn’t start out this way; he was allowed to become an abusive person.
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