Comic Quotes
"You have to stay in
shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell
she is."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"Maybe there is no actual
place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're
eating sandwiches."
--Jim Carrey
"Thou shall not kill. Thou
shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last
one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is
that the word of God or is that
pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"My
mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat.
That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"Every time a baseball
player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha
Warfield
"I had a linguistics
professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever
walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little
forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.
One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"The ad in the paper said
'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher
"Now
they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David
Letterman
"I
just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking, 'I should hope
not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a
psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
to kill you too."
--Jake Johansen
"If your parents never
had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett
"The
Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past
me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.' "
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"I
met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know
these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
--Garry
Shandling
"Why
is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
--Lily
Tomlin
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams
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