"You go to a movie theater and the minute you sit down, a sign comes up, 'No Smoking.' That's when I light up. And there's always that one couple a few seats away, 'Oh, look at him. He's smoking.' 'Yeah, and I'm jerking off too. Come a little closer, I'll butter your fucking popcorn.'"

"Try asking somebody for the time in this city. Everybody's got an attitude. 'Excuse me, do you know what time it is?' 'Why? You can't afford a fucking watch? Do I look like Big fucking Ben? Go fuck yourself. Your mother's a whore.'"

"You know a chick is fat when your 69ing and you can't hear the radio."

"It's like this chick is sucking my dick, right. And she's like, 'Don't come in my mouth.' I go, 'Honey, I don't wanna fuck up your hair, we're in a fancy restaurant.'"

"After you marry them, you're over there every Sunday. Then her mother starts breaking your fucking balls. She's like, 'Let me ask you something. Are you taking care of our little girl?' And your looking at the mother like, 'Let me tell you something about this fucking whore. Ever since I married her, she don't clean the toilet, she don't lick my ass, she don't blow me, she don't do nothing. Maybe if you blow me, she gets a Christmas gift.'"

"I'm good with my girlfriend, I bought her everything. You had to see it, I bought her this beautiful dustpan. You had to see the look in her fucking face when I took it out. I had her initials engraved in it and everything, and she's just staring at it. And you know what it was? Last year I bought her the broom. You know, so all year she was sweeping shit into her hands. So now she sees the dustpan a year later and she knows that I didn't fucking forget. And she's got this look in her fucking head, she's just staring at me. And I'm standing there like, 'Unbelievable, huh baby? Pick something up, go ahead.'"

"Then I hit a funeral now and then. You ever go to a funeral to meet chicks? You see the widow, she's crying and you walk over, 'Hey, what's going on? You here with anybody?'"

"You'll have a crib full of shit, and the kid in the middle going, 'Daddy.' 'Shut your fucking hole! Wipe your own ass. Feed yourself, you fuck.' Because you know that same kid's gonna come up to you sixteen years later, 'Hey Dad, can I use the car?' 'No, it's a little rainy out. I don't think that's a good idea.' 'Well, fuck you, Dad.' 'No, fuck you. And that's why I didn't wipe your ass, you little prick.'"

"I got a rag that took so many loads, I hung it in a fucking frame. People think it's art. You know what I'm talking about? Why go through a rag a day when you could use the same rag for six or seven months at a time? You frame it and you call it 'Jerk Off.' You take it to a museum, people give you fifty thousand dollars for it, they think it's art."

"When I first came into this business, they used to have these sperm banks. I wasn't making much cash, so I go down to the sperm bank and drop a load for fifty bucks. It's a days pay. Sometimes I'd walk in with my hands all taped up, like I burnt them or something. 'You think you could get me a nurse to help me out over here?'"

"There are so many ways to jerk off. It's like you got that one hand that works like a charm. And then you got that other hand that you just fuck with once in a while, it's like a palsy hand, you know what I mean? It doesn't exactly know the moves, it doesn't hold it the right way. So you close your eyes, you make believe it's some chick and you're on a first date. And when you're done, you kick it off the bed."

"You go into the fucking vegetable department, there she is feeling up a cantaloupe. I go, 'Those cantaloupes look like your tits, baby.' I threw her on the tomatoes, I fucked her, took her purse and ran."

"Humpty Dumpty, let me tell you something about that cocksucker. What was he doing up on the wall in the first place? He don't got no legs. So of course, now he's splattered all over, you can't even fry the son of a bitch. Eggs live a shit life anyway. They get laid once, fried once, and the only person that ever sits on his face is his mother."

"So I'm coming home with this dishrag whore I met one night. I'm not even in the front door yet, and my dog is humping her leg and he's got his face in her snatch. So I'm looking at him like, 'You prick cocksucker. Who's the one that had to wine and dine this fucking dunce? I'm not even in the front door, and you're eating the bitch.' You had to see what I did when he brought someone home."

"People get dumb pets when they can't afford a dog. They get like a little bird for fifty bucks. So a chick brings you over, she wants to impress you, 'Look at my bird.' 'Yeah, so what does he do? Bark? Can he fetch a stick? Can he roll over? Can he give me his fucking paw?' 'No.' 'Then throw him in a pot, I'm hungry.'"

"I'd fuck you with one sock on, so I'd have something to wipe my prick off with when I'm done."

"They're too sensitive. They don't know if they want to be called gays, homosexuals, fairies. I call them cocksuckers."

"He never poured hot wax on you. When's the last time he tied you up and let his dick just swing over your face? 'Jump for cock. Jump for cock.'"

"When she's blowing you, do you talk to her much? 'No.' No? You make like it ain't even fucking happening. You gotta talk to them. You gotta let them know how you feel, especially if it's the one you love. You gotta say things like, 'Hey, you're really doing a great job down there tonight.'"

"I hate those fucking sales people, those bastards. They come up to you, 'Anything in particular you're looking for?' 'Yeah, a blowjob. You wanna give me one?'"

"That's the problem today, guys just don't have any manners in bed. Like this guy here, he's been going out with a chick for four years. Where's your manners? When was the last time you were in bed with her and said, 'Sweetheart, please pass the pussy. It would be an honor to lick your bush. Would it inconvenience you if I came on the tip of your chin?' You know, have a little class."

"I'm going on twenty-seven years of jerking off. When I hit thirty, I'm buying my dick a gold watch."

"Your wife told me about you. Muscles, big shoulders, big arms, big thighs, no dick. It's like putting an inchworm in a tunnel, that's what she told me. Two hundred twenty pounds of dynamite with a quarter-inch fucking fuse. Your wife told me your dick is so small that she could blow you and eat a hero sandwich at the same time."

"So the other day I went to the grand opening of this chicks asshole. So now I'm jackhammer fucking her, so she says to me, 'Slow down. What, do you have to catch a bus?' I says, 'No, you do.'"

"I'm in bed with this girl, she starts in, she's fucking screaming, 'I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming!' 'Like I care.'"

"He's got a big fucking head. How do you fuck that, honey? When you're banging him, is it like a 3-D movie? Like every time on the downstroke, it's like, 'Wow! What the fuck is that?'"

"I despise midgets, they make me sick. They're like little walking pieces of shit, with their bow legs. Their fucking bow legs. They walk like they got a fucking pipe up their asshole."

"This chick wore her jeans so tight between her fucking cunt lips, it looks like she's got a three-fold wallet down there."

"But banging an old chick, it's like she's a used fucking car. It's all fucking beat up, it's dented. It's got one hundred thousand miles of dick on it already."

"I went with this one chick who was so fucking dumb, the only thing she was good at was wearing her hair long... Out of the side of her panties!"

"Men think of sex two hundred times an hour. That's a fact, I just made it up."

"A hot day like today, you stick a protein bar right in her shit-funnel. Your banging her from behind, you start loosing a little wind. You take a bite from the protein bar, 'I got another 20 minutes in me, you filthy fucking animal.'"

"I come up with all kinds of ways to jerk off. Like this new thing, I just invented it. You lay on your arm for like an hour and ten, and it's completely dead like a piece of fucking meat. So then you start jerking off, it's like a strange chick."

"I saw this chick in the grocery. I'm in line waiting to check out and I notice in her cart, she's got like a box of them giant like Q-Tip sticks they stick in there, for that time of the month. I'm trying to be nice with the chick, you know. So I say, 'Hey, I bet you'll be sucking a lot of dick this week.' So she's looking at me like, 'What did you say?' I said, 'I bet you'll be sucking a lot of dick this week. Just talking.' She calls the manager over, 'He said I'll be sucking dick all week.' The manager's like, 'Where do I get a ticket and line up for this?'"