Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!

Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It's like the motherfuckers LIKED that shit. "I whish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell ME to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would've come up and say, "Ay, yo, nigger, bale this cotton!" I would say, "Suck my DICK, massa!""

Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

[about slavery] The first nigger who tried that shit... Somebody said, "Nigger, bale this cotton" and he said "Fuck you, Massa"...
[sound of a whip]
The other motherfuckers said, "All right, we'll bale the shit, all right. Just keep that fucking shit away from me."

I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood, and find out Mr. T is a faggot. Really. And he'd be walking up to people going:
[Mr. T voice]
Hey boy, hey boy! Ya look mighty cute in them jeans. Now come on over here... and fuck me up the ass! C'mon. I'm gonna bend over now. Grrr! Aaahh! Hey, boy, slow down, you're gonna mess around and come too fast. You'll make me get mad and I'll clench up my butt cheeks and rip your dick off!

[Eddie takes the plane south, looking for racism] ... he said "Is this your bag?" I said "Yeah, that's my fucking bag! Why, motherfucker? A black man can't have a suitcase?"

Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe...

I'm winded, I'm out of breath... I'm sweatin' and shit.
Female Crowd Member: You take it off!
Male Crowd Member: SHUT UP, BITCH!
[Eddie and crowd bursts into huge laughter/applause]
Y'all didn't know I was a ventriloquist too!

[as his drunk father] Your wife's a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus? Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she? That's why the bitch's moustache is so motherfuckin' thick... 'cause you shaved the bitch down and taught her to speak. I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one! Don't bring a Bigfoot into my home, Gus! With my children? The bitch can't talk! She can't walk a flight of steps! She's not trained well, Gus! She can *not* walk steps! I'll bet she climbs the fuck outta trees, though, don't she, Gus? Doesn't she? DOESN'T SHE? But you got to not bring her around here - fuck her! And your motherfuckin' children? They're Bigfeet, too. They're half-Bigfoot, Gus, 'cause the motherfuckers is 6 years old and have Afros 17 inches long. They're little hairy motherfuckers, just like their mother. Look at the motherfuckers! You know how I found out they was Bigfoot - when I realized your wife was a Bigfoot when I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherfuckers in the boat, Gus, and I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and they put their poles down in the motherfuckin' boat, and slammed their faces in the water for 2 minutes! And I think, "What the fuck are these kids doin'?" Then they start moving their heads like this
[quickly shakes head back and forth]
and the motherfuckers come up with fish! I jumped back and said, "Can you believe this motherfuckin' shit?" Then the kid took the fish out his mouth and looked at his brother and said, "Goonie-Goo-Goo." What the fuck is going on here? Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus. But I'm gonna tell you something, motherfucker. You can take your motherfuckin' hairy fat-ass wife moustache bitch out the fuck, you can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit and take Eddie and get these mothafuckin' long Angela Davis afro-wearin' motherfuckin' kids of yours and put them in the motherfucking "Goonie-Goo-Goo"-mobile and get the fuck out! And if my wife don't like that, she can get the fuck out, too!
[Eddie mimes his shoe-throwing noise]
You missed me, bitch!

There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.

Icecream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he's seen us and shit, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say:
[imitating the ice cream man] Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run.

[as his drunk father] You told me you met your wife on a motherfuckin' camping trip and that she was Puerto Rican. Your wife ain't no motherfuckin' Puerto Rican. I thought she was when I first met, because I walk up and say 'hello, good to meet you, my name is Vernon' and she say 'Hi, I'm Bunny, goonie goo goo'. What the fuck does goonie goo goo mean, Gus? I still don't know what that shit means to this day. I though I'd learned some new Spanish shit! I walk up to my friend and say 'Hey, Sanchez, goonie goo goo!' and Sanchez say 'Get the fuck out of here!'

Richard said, "The next time the motherfucker call, tell him I said, "Suck *my* dick." I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit. Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Jello pudding-eating motherfucker."

[Bill Cosby has called Eddie to complain about bad language in Eddie's act]
Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!"

Hey, don't mind the cameras, everyone. They're filming a movie up in here. And
[shouts]
y'all gonna be in it! Only *I'm* the only one gonna get paid, the motherfucker.

[imitating his father who is singing Motown songs but messing up the lyrics] If I have to beg and plead, to the symphony.
[Correct lyrics are "If I have to beg and please for your sympathy]

I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

White people can't dance. I'm not being racist it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, "What are those niggers doing in here?" They watchin' y'all dance. And thy're like, "Look at these crazy muthafuckas." Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.

The brothers went to court and got educated on the judge. All of a sudden, it was like, "Can you state your case?"
[gangsta voice]
"Uh, yes, Your Honor. On the evening in question, per se, Your Honor... yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was just out the disco, right? Coolin', right? I went in with my girl, right, and my girl starts illin', says "There go Eddie Murphy." Started actin' all tipsy and shit. I said, "Where, where?" She go, "Over there." I say, "Fuck that big-nosed motherfucker!" I make my money just like him, right, Your Honor, cuz I don't give a fuck, I ain't gittin on nobody's jobs, you know? So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened, what happened then, right? I said, "Yo, what you want me go get the motherfucker's autograph?" I got the autograph for my girl, walked over and said, "Yo, Ed? Sign this autograph."
[pause]
Then Ed said, "I ain't signing a *motherfuckin'* thing! Fuck you and your ugly bitch!" I said, "Yo, Ed, I'll bust your ass for sayin' shit like that." He say, "Wh-Where, motherfucker, I'll kill-" And he ran over to my woman and slapped her in the face, Your Honor! Then he slapped me and my man in the face, all three of us like the Three Stooges, Your Honor! 12 million! 12!
[normal]
I was disgusted.
Man In Audience: Half!
[gangsta voice] Yeah, Your Honor, give us half his shit!

She whined, "What have you done for me *lately*, Eddie?" I was like...”*Bitch*! You was butt-naked on a zebra last month!"

[as Bill Cosby] Yoouuu cannot say filth flarn filth flarn filth in front of people!
And I said "I never said no filth flarn filth I don't know what you're talking about I'm offended that you called fuck you!" And that's when Bill got raw on me!
[as Bill Cosby] That's what I'm talking about! Yoouuuuu cannot say... fuck!

[imitating Richard Pryor] You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo' ass? Don't that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin' yo' ass? Just get the fuck out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo' ass don' cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherfucker too coz you gotta whip yo' ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o' toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin' for a long time and one lil' pebble shit comes out? Y' want some shit this big right? Stick yo' head up your ass and say: That all the shit I'm gonn' get mothafocka? And it's afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin' you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back... WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT?