Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left. At my age flowers scare me. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. "When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile." Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.' I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked. I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks. People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.
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