B
Bald as a billiard ball
Black as truck-stop coffee
Blowing like perfume through a prom.
Busier than a cat coverin crap on a marble floor
Busier than a cat covering up shit.
Busier than a cat covering shit on a hot tin roof.
Busier than a centipede at a toe countin' contest.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Busier than a one-armed wallpaper hanger with the crabs.
Busier than a one-armed taxi driver with crabs.
Busier than a one-eyed cat watching nine mouse holes.
Busier than a one-eyed man at a burlesque show.
Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican wedding.
Busier than a whore's cunt.
Busy as a hound in flea season
Busy as a one-legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond.

C
Clean as the preachers sheets.
Clear as the balls on a tall dog.
Clumsier than a cub bear playing with himself.
Colder than a Dakota well digger's ass.
Colder than a mother-in-laws kiss
Colder than a witch's tittie in a brass bra.
Confused as a cow on astroturf
Cuddly as a cactus.

D
Drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic
Drier than the heart of a haystack
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Dumber than a post.
Dumber than a rock.

E
Excited as a blind dog in a meathouse.
Exciting as waiting for paint to dry
Exciting as watching grass grow in the arctic

F
Fall apart as fast as a two dollar suitcase
Faster than a bell clapper in a goose's ass
Faster than a calf at a corps meeting.
Faster than a cockroach running from a Dingo.
Faster than a knife fight in a phone booth
Faster than a scalded dog
Faster than a sheep at an Aggie bachelor party.
Faster than a snake's toungue tied to a bolt of lightning.
Faster than greased lightning.
Faster than two cops after one doughnut.
Flat as piss on a plate.
Four days older than water.
Funny as a boil in your ass.
Funny as a fart in an elevator.
Funny as a fart in a spacesuit.
Funny as a rubber crutch in a polio ward.
Funny as a turd in a punch bowl.
Funny as a dead child’s broken toy.

G
Good enough to make a rabbit spit in a bulldog's face

H
Hangs around like a fart in a phone booth.
Happy as a hungry cow in five feet of alfalfa
Happier than a coondog on a bare leg
Happier'n a preacher's son at a biker-babe rally
Happier than a puppy with two peckers.
Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine
Happy as a fly on shit.
Happy as a gopher in soft dirt.
Happy as a hog in mud.
Happy as a pig in shit.
Harder to catch than my wife's boyfriend
Harder to find than a plains Indian
Harder than standing in a hammock.
Helpless as a ship without a rudder
Hopping around like a fart in a skillet.
Hornier than a two-peckered goat.
Horny as a three-peckered billy goat.
Horny as a three-balled tomcat.
Hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch
Hotter than a stolen tamale
Hotter than a two-dollar whore on the 4th of July.

I
In more trouble than a one armed man with an itchy butt hangin' from a cliff.

J
Jumpy as spit on a hot skillet

L
Looks like death sucking on a popsickle.
Lower than fish shit.
Lower'n a snakes belly in a wagon rut

M
Madder than a rained-on rooster
Meaner than a sack full of rattlesnakes
Madder than a wet hen in a tote sack
More fun than stomping the farts out of dead seagulls!
More soft spots than a ripe banana
More worn out out than a cucumber in a convent.
Mouth as big as the Mississippi

N
Nasty enough to gag a buzzard
Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Nervous as a turkey around November.
Nervous as a whore in church.
Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Nice kid, but he's got more nerve than a bum tooth.
Noisier than two skeletons fucking on a tin roof with a tin can for a condom..
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

O
Obvious as a turd in a bowl of milk.
Older than dirt.

P
Pink as a spanked baby’s bottom
Poor as a sawmill rat
Popular as a rattlesnake in a lucky dip.

Q
Quicker then crap through a goose
Quicker than thin shit through tall Swede

R
Restless as a willow in a windstorm
Rougher than a stucco bathtub.
Running around like a chicken with its head cut off

S
Scarce as a shadow on a cloudy day
Scarce as a virgin in a cat house
Scared as a black man at a white woman's funeral!
Shakier'n puppy shittin' peach pits.
Shakin' like a dog shitting a log chain and dreading the hook
Sharp as a marble..
Sharp as a mashed potato
Sharp as a sack full of wet mice.
She's got an ass like a ten dollar cow
Shines like a diamond in a goats ass.
Slicker than owl shit on a china doorknob.
Slicker than snot on a rock.
Slower than molasses in January.
Slicker than cat shit on linoleum.
Slicker than clean socks on a waxed floor
Slicker than cum on a gold tooth.
Slicker than deer guts on a skinnin' knife
Slicker than snot on a brass doorknob.
Slower than a Texas Drawl
Smarter than a treeful of owls
Snores like a chainsaw in bucket of snot.
So cold the dogs were stuck to the fire hydrants
So country he thinks a seven-course meal is possum and a six-pack
So dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
So dumb that if you moved his plate five inches to the left he'd starve to death
So dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air.
So hard he couldn't close his eyes, got in a sand storm and nearly fucked himself to death.
So hungry I could eat the balls off a brass monkey.
So low he'd steal the pennies off a dead man's eyes
So nervous she can thread the needle of a sewing machine while it is turned on.
So rich, he has a Rolls Royce with stained-glass windows.
So rich, he has a split level Cadillac.
So rich, he has a three room Jaguar.
So rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.
So rich, he sends CARE packages to Bill Gates.
So rich, he has a different dentist for each tooth.
So rich, he bought a boy for his/her dog.
So rich, he has Swiss money in American banks.
So rich that if money talks, she's a chorus.
So tight he walks over a penny an his Butt quiver
So windy we're using a log chain instead of a wind sock.
Sorry as a two dollar watch
Straighter than a fast trip to the outhouse
Stronger than a garlic malt.
Stuck like shit on a wool blanket.
Sturdier than a brick shithouse

T
Tight as a frog's ass.
Tighter than a bull's ass at fly time.
Tighter than bark on a tree
Tighter than a gnat's ass.
Tougher than woodpecker lips.
Tougher than a one eared alley cat

U
Uglier than a mud-fence after a rain storm.

W
Wandering about like a fart in a pair of trousers.
Welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.
Welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony
Welcome as an outhouse breeze
Welcome as a pork chop at a bar mitzvah.
Welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
Welcome as a weasel in a rabbit’s nest
Whizzing around like a fart in a colander.
Windier than a corn eating horse
Windier than a fifty-pound bag of whistling lips
Worn out as a cucumber in a convent.