Guitarded

A sold-out house my first night back. Do you have any idea what kinda pressure that is? I could have been at home in my warm bed, playing Nintendo.

When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, "Richard, what do you see?" I said, I see all types of people." The voice said, "But do you see any niggers?" I said, "No." It said, "Do you know why? 'Cause there aren't any."

When I was on vacation in Africa, I went out in the country. Where you see some lions and shit. I'm talking about real lions, not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo. Hey, lion, motherfucker.

I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.

Bitch was so fine I'd suck her daddy's dick.

When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up *quick*! I saw something, I went, "Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like *fire*!" Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3.

I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!

I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.

I'm not for integration and I'm not against it.

I went to penitentiary one time, not me personally, but me and Gene went there for a movie. "Arizona State Penitentiary" Population: 90 percent black people. But there are no black people in Arizona, they have to bus motherfuckers in!

It's been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

I like makin' love myself, and I can make love for about three minutes. I do about three minutes of serious fuckin', then I need eight hours sleep! And a bowl of Wheaties!

There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.

Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin' to borrow money. I've always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.

The black groups that boycott certain films would do better to get the money together to make the films they want to see, or stay in church and leave us to our work.

[as a TV preacher] People are always asking me, "Reverend; if you need money so bad, why don't you sell one of your houses, or cars or get rid of some of that jewelry?" And I always reply, "Are you crazy!"
How much money have we raised so far? None! OK, this is a message for all you white people out there. Part of the money we raise tonight will go to the Back to Africa movement and...
[every phone rings]

"If you want some pussy, you'll talk all that shit with them. ..'Hey, yeah,, sure,, the cosmos.. sure..'

White people go; Why you guys hold your things(penis)? Cause you done took every thing else motherfucka!

When I hear 'yee-haw!', that scare the shit outta me. Cuz I know what come next. Y'all remember? Y'all's ancestors used to hang us for kicks? ..Muthafuckin on the weekend (hot!! couldn't get no pussy..)? ..'Let's go down to the jail, get a couple of them black ones and just string 'em up. ..yeehaww..' ..When I hear that, shit crawl all up and down my neck.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.

I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

I'm doing this stand-up on the show because the people at NBC said that well America don't know who you are and you come out and they're scared. They just see black people and they get nervous if they don't know who they are.

When you ain't got no money, you gotta get an attitude.

There are two billion chinese people livin' in China. That's how you know someone's doing some serious fucking...

Freebase? What's free about it?

Fuckin' is good for you, Jack. Gettin' some pussy beats having a war.

I went to the White House, met the president... We in trouble. Muthafucka looked at me like I owed him money. See, he'd been to the University of UCLA (sic). He hadn't been down to the U of Miss of Alabama. Cuz they got white folks down there that scare white folks. They have to keep them motherfuckers on a leash. Muthufuckin in a basement and shit.

I started off, snorting little tiny pinches, said I know I ain't gonna get hooked, not on no coke, you can't get hooked, my friends been snorting 15 years, they ain't hooked.

How's my mama? How's your mama? I will slap you in the mouth with my dick.

I'm not addicted to cocaine... I just like the way it smells.

I couldn't stop. I put the pipe down. It jumped back in my hand.

And it's the people you meet after you been drunk, that remember shit you don't remember: "Hey Rich, don't you remember that time we went out, we got fucked up, and you stuck your arm up that elephant's ass? Don't you remember that? Elephant tightened his ass up and went walking down the street with you? Don't you remember that? Man, you looked like a turd with a hat on."