“About breaking up: “She says, ‘Can’t we be... still... like see each other once in a while and have lunch or see a movie? Just to be friends?’ I said ‘Yeah, friends, I think I know what you mean. I’ve become some kind of emotional tampon that you need four or five days a month when no one else will take your FUCKNG bullshit. But we don’t FUCK, right? Isn’t that what friends is, we don’t FUCK, right?

" I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: 'I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain! "


It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.


Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!


If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

That's when you know you're pretty fucked up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep ... (SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY) So I totaled this fuckin' car out, man!... I fuckin' totaled it! And it made SENSE at the time!

'Charlie, why'd you do it?' 'I heard the album. I heard that goddam White Album. Why don't we do it in the road? Whadda you think he was sayin', man? No one will be watching us.' And you're sitting there going: IT'S A FUCKIN' ALBUM! YOU WERE ON ACID, MANSON! IT'S A FUCKIN' ALBUM! You'd have gotten the same message out of the Monkees, you fuckin' dickhead.

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the FUCK out of everybody!  ...He's the only guy that ever crawled out of a grave where people didn't go, 'Oh -- OOOHHHH!!! I JUST SAW SOME FUCKER CRAWL OUT OF HIS GRAVE! I DON'T BELIEVE I'M SEEIN' THIS SHIT! DID YOU SEE THAT? THIS GUY JUST CRAWLED OUT OF HIS BOX THROUGH THE EARTH!' People are losing it, going 'Oh -- OOOHHHH!!! THE DEAD LIVE! THE DEAD LIVE!!!' [Trudging around like a zombie, making guttural noises] 'GET A STAKE -- PUT A STAKE IN HIS ASS! CUT OFF HIS HEAD! KILL HIM AGAIN!!!' Jesus comes back -- HE doesn't get any pressure -- no static. Nobody's upset. He climbs out, he's walkin' around -- nobody's upset. They can eat with him and everything. [Two men confiding in each other] 'Hey -- isn't that guy dead?' 'Yeah, he is man, but he won't accept it.' [as Jesus, eyes rolled back in head as he eats] 'Pass the butter...'

"It all goes back to Jesus... he's got to be up in heaven freaking out at all the interpretations of the things they SAY he said. He didn't even KNOW he was the son of God. As soon as he was born, as soon as he could speak the language, his mother said, 'You're the son of God. When you were born the angels came, and the stars stood in one place, the wise men brought gifts, and the whole world's been waiting for you to come and do great things.' [As baby Jesus] 'Really? Me? Are you sure?' [Back to normal voice] Everybody but Joseph. Joseph's walking around going, [very suspicious] 'Yeah, you had better be the son of God, I'll tell you that. You had BETTER be him, little mister. And you better be the ONLY son of God.'"

"I got a real depressing letter from my folks about two weeks ago, because I haven't been taking real good care of my money. They said, 'Sam, we can't send you any more money. You're out of control, and you don't know what the fuck you're doing with your cash. And... you're old enough to be on your own.' I said, 'Oh, okay'... and I called them. I said, 'Mom, get dad on the phone too, wake him up, I know it's late, but I want you both to hear this. You know, before I was your little son, before I was your baby, before I was your LOAN, I was a free spirit in the next stage of life. I walked in the cosmos, not imprisoned by a body of flesh, but free, in a pure body of light. There were no questions, only answers, no weaknesses, only strengths, I was light, I was truth, I was a spiritual being, I was a God... but you had to FUCK and bring my ass down HERE. I didn't ask to be born! I didn't call and say: 'Hey, please have me so I could work in a fuckin' Winchell's someday!' Now you want me to pay my own way? ... FUCK YOU! PICK UP THE FUCKIN' CHECK, MOM! PICK IT UP!'"

[To a man and woman in the audience] "You guys in love? You gonna get married? [The man says yes. Sam moves several steps closer] Gonna get married, huh? [The man says, "I guess so, yeah."] Tell you what. Before you get married, I want you to make me a promise. I want you to remember this face. [Sam leans over, until he is inches from the man's face, and screams at the top of his lungs] Oh! Oh! AAAAUGH!"

"People go, aren't you worried about Hell?' No. No, because I WAS MARRIED FOR TWO FUCKIN' YEARS! HELL WOULD BE LIKE CLUB MED! HELL WOULD BE LIKE A FUCKIN' RESORT!!!"

"I'm like anyone else on this planet -- I'm very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, with those little kids, starving, and very depressed. I watch those kids and I go, 'Fuck, I know the FILM crew could give this kid a sandwich!' There's a director five feet away going, 'DON'T FEED HIM YET! GET THAT SANDWICH OUTTA HERE! IT DOESN'T WORK UNLESS HE LOOKS HUNGRY!!!' But I'm not trying to make fun of world hunger. Matter of fact, I think I have the answer. You want to stop world hunger? Stop sending these people food. Don't send these people another bite, folks. You want to send them something, you want to help? Send them U-Hauls. Send them U-Hauls, some luggage, send them a guy out there who says, 'Hey, we been driving out here every day with your food, for, like, the last thirty or forty years, and we were driving out here today across the desert, and it occurred to us that there wouldn't BE world hunger, if you people would LIVE WHERE THE FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! NOTHING GROWS OUT HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW OUT HERE! YOU SEE THIS? HUH? THIS IS SAND. KNOW WHAT IT'S GONNA BE A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW? IT'S GONNA BE SAND! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! GET YOUR STUFF, GET YOUR SHIT, WE'LL MAKE ONE TRIP, WE'LL TAKE YOU TO WHERE THE FOOD IS! WE HAVE DESERTS IN AMERICA -- WE JUST DON'T LIVE IN THEM, ASSHOLES!"

"Boy, Detox... $13,000 for three weeks. First of all folks, if you can come up with $13,000, you don't have a problem yet. Your not in serious shape yet. Shit... thirteen fucking grand, yeah that would sober me up."

"I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life."

"He was never a real Kennedy! Teddy was the Shemp of the Kennedys! He wasn't Moe, he wasn't Curly -- he was the Shemp of the Kennedys!"

"Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down -- I just don't like it. And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that -- just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... [Looking into camera] Maybe, maybe an assassin type... [Closer to camera] Maybe a man who, oh, after he came home from the war, wasn't accepted by the country he fought for. And still has some of the military weapons and some of the armaments that he came home with -- and he's home alone, unemployed, has nothing to do, and he watches MTV waiting for a ROCK VIDEO, and all he sees is RAP VIDEOS. [Still closer] Now let's just say -- let's just say-- this guy decides to become a serial killer. Far be it from me to IMPLANT THAT INTO SOMEBODY'S MIND. I don't want people to think, 'Sam, Sam, you're putting a subliminal thought in a dangerous person's mind' -- NO! I'm just saying if you're gonna be a serial killer, [Full close-up into camera] PICK SOMEBODY INTERESTING TO BE A SERIAL KILLER FOR! TAKE OUT RAPPERS! SHOOT 'EM! If you're gonna do something like that -- if you're gonna take life -- BE THE RAPPER KILLER!"