DISCLAIMER: Christianity, rather any religion, should never be forced upon one another.  God has given free will to mankind, therefore you can choose to accept His Word or not.  KCM preaches in order for an unbeliever to struggle with these very farfetched ideas and ideology.  We will not follow you everywhere you go, nor chase you if you runaway.  Always remember that whether you choose to struggle with the fact or not, a Christian should never judge you.  Anyone who tells you otherwise needs to be rebuked.  Christians do not hold themselves at a higher level than nonbelievers because we are all sinners in the eyes of God.  We have all fallen short of what is expected of us.  My opinion is strong in this area because I want everyone who will read this weblog of mine in the future to know that I love you all just as much, if not more, as before I accepted Christ.  I appreciate you all so much that I want to share the Gospel Message to each and every one of you.  However, I will not preach unless you ask or I feel convicted to do so.

So BASICALLY, what I'm trying to say is that I'm still the same ol' Jerry with a few spiritual twists.  ENJOY!

October 26, 2004

Team Snazzleberry in action today.  Good job Jane and Paul.  We got our first team win.  I got my first 200 in a while.  What a supreb night...

Only to be ruined by unlimited amounts of work until Friday!  That's right folks.  I see why people drop out of engineering.  But not me.  This stuff is too interesting...just too dang hard.

Haven't been reading the Word lately.  I feel for it everyday, taking it to class if I can't focus on the lectures.  But if I can't focus on the lectures, I fall asleep before I pull out the Book.  I have to keep trying.  So much responsibility I have on my shoulders for next year.  Adam and I are only a handful of guys in KCM.  I'm going to be in Praise Band, Adam will probably end up leading a Small Group.  All this in addition to our engineering homework equals a complete lack of time.  Of course well worth it.  I'm very much looking forward to it.

Snow.  Snow.  Snow.  D, I'm trying really hard to get work done so I can make time to see Megan and go to the snow.  But it just keeps piling on.  I'm even doing work on Saturdays.  This isn't right.  But I know it will be worth it see the ride the snow and see Megan smile at us again. 

I miss the snow.  I miss Megan.  I miss Krysia.  I miss Lauren.  I miss my butt buddy.  I miss my brother.  Heck I even miss my parents.  Can't forget Sparky.  I need to get a picture of all ya'll.  My wall needs filling.

This entry = procrastination instead of studying for Physics midterm.

Inspired by this verse today:  "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."  Matthew 5:44

Inspired by this song today: "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns

October 15, 2004

Talked with Larry today.  That man is such a blessing.  I met him on the San Nicolas lawn before school started in my freshman year.  After a simple introduction, he said I should sign up and come out to KCM.

Now, he is my discipler for the second year in a row.  Even though he graduated last year, he drives back from LA every Thursday to speak with Adam and me about our walks with Faith.  Every time I talk with him, every time he preaches to me, I can't help to be engulfed in the Word. 

Unfortunately, walking with Christ isn't all peaches and cream.  I'm yet to express my feelings to my parents and brother.  I feel so insecure when the subject comes up.  What the Bible says about the subject is very clear.  But what the Bible says is also very difficult.  The Bible in general is difficult.  I struggle with its teachings, yet I rejoice in its rewards. 

Is it ok to be competitive?  Granted, I'm not half as bad as I use to be.  But Esther keeps saying that she doesn't like competition because that means some people are not going to be having fun, or not going to be having as much fun...not exactly sure what she meant...I think it was along the lines that competition brings out the best and worse in people.  To use as an example, do people feel that way when they play video games with me? (Excluding Halo...stopped playing that game competitively for awhile because I saw how much it hindered me.)  When someone beats me in a race of Mario Kart, my typical reaction is "wow, crazy" or something like that in addition to maybe a half smile.  Is it ok that instead of thinking about my loss, or  even a win, I'm thinking about how I can do better?  Is competitiveness in the form of constantly wanting to improve such a bad thing, whether it be in video games, bowling, or sports?  Is it really so bad that I take bowling seriously because I want to be able to compete with the best of my friends?  I just don't see anything wrong with a healthy, competitive nature.  Please tell me otherwise if you disagree, D.

Inspired by this verse today:  "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.  Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell."  Matthew 10: 28

Inspired by this song today: "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

October 12, 2004

God God God!  God has been the center of my life for the past few weeks...and I'm loving it.

These first few weeks in Santa Barbara have been so excellent.  People that were acquaintances last year are now good friends, people who were good friends last year are better friends.  I just feel so blessed.

I love the new freshman.  I'm so blessed by every one of them because they're actions always seem to make me realize more about my faith.  They give me such a greater purpose in my college career then just get my degree.  Most importantly, I feel like I can give them all something to struggle with.  I struggle with God everyday only to be so thankful.  I pray everyday for that feeling to be passed on to all my loved ones. 

So I found out that my Auntie Ofie has breast cancer, yet her own kids don't even know.  I find that very, to be frank, stupid.  Why should I know before her kids?  So they don't get hinder and distracted from school work?  I would want to be hinder and distracted from my work if someone I truly loved might be taken from this world soon.  Guess what?  I am hindered and distracted!  Of course I love Auntie.  And of course I love her kids like they were my brothers and sisters.  I want to tell them and relieve myself of this burning feeling, but I promised against that.  Just pray for my Auntie Ofie.  Her surgery is tomorrow.

On another sad note, I have yet to find a way to tell my own family about my change in Faith.  My mom and dad think I am Catholic, my brother thinks I believe in a god, just not any specific deity.  How do I tell them I've been convicted by God's grace in my heart?  That even though no 100% full proof evidence exists in the world, this burning feeling inside me is stronger than anything I've ever felt before?  How do I tell my parents that we still believe and worship the same God, just in a different way?  How do I try and convince everyone that KCM is not a cult that sucked me in through pretty girls?  It's a task I'm afraid to face.  I keep lying.  I keep sinning.  Pray that this situation will be resolved someday.

On a much brighter note, I miss Meegan too.  I called her the other day.  She's so sweet.  Running outside away from David because she couldn't hear me.  How I really want to visit her.  I have new songs to sing to her and hopefully vice versa.  We used to talk about religion every once in awhile because her uncle is a Christian pastor.  I wonder if someday I can change her perspectives?  Either way, I miss that girl.  She's too awesome not to see for too long.

I'm reading John right now.  I figure everytime I leave an entry, I'll put in some verses which seem to stand out.

"As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge him.  For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it."  John 12:47

September 2, 2004

So all my old buddies are back at school.  I've been enjoying the solitude of my room.  Of course I'd prefer not to be alone.  But it gives me time to spend moments with the parents and gives me time to think about things to come.  With that being said, let's shake it like Polaroid picture!

Well not exactly but kind of...So lately I've been singing and playing my guitar.  I'm so emotional when I play.  I wonder if I could ever bring that to an audience.  Moreover, could I ever bring out "Jerry" to a new audience?  I believe I express myself best with music.  It's how I got my thoughts across to Krysia while we dated.  It's how I get my thoughts across the internet on AIM.  It can even be how I decide to spend my day.  What I'm trying to add up to is that there are so many of you I want to sing for.  Not because I think I'm fantastic. (God knows the truth =D)  But because I'm so thankful and I want to show my appreciation.  I sing for my mom when she's cooking.  She likes it cause she likes the attention.  I sing for my dad because he's impressed and proud that I can play his favorite instrument.  I love music and it loves me.  It loves me and wants to love you too.

In addition to trying to share what has been given to me through music, I've also been trying to give back to people through Anandtech.  What a great online community this is!  Not saying it's perfect, but so hopeful.  Within minutes, or -like today- even seconds a flourish of computer gurus will cheerfully answer your questions.  Being far from the guru status, I try and do my part in answering questions.  Funny how things that I like to do always involve expertise and big egos.  How fortunate to find places where egos are left at the doorstep, and kindness with satisfaction is always welcome.

Lastly, I was watching Gilmore Girls earlier in the week.  (It's a good show...really is.)  Was on the topic of love.  (Keep puke in...not done yet.)  Luke was listening to a tape.

Whose phone calls are never unwanted or too long?  Can you see her face?  Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off loneliness. Do you see her face?  Who would you like to travel with?  Do you see her face?  Who makes you feel better when you're down?  Do you see her face?  Who do you want to talk to first when you got good news? Do you see her face?

Truth is, there is no one person for all these questions.  I want there to be a singular person.  But there isn't.  D, I'm free.  For now at least.

July 30, 2004

I do not usually write in this thing when the sun is out, but your comments last night really got to me.  You really think me leaving because your boyfriend is coming to town is a joke?  Ridiculous maybe but very far from being something to laugh about.  You burned me and YOU KNOW IT.  There's no way in God's forsaken place that I could ever like you again.  But you're right...being face to face with you again does make you deal with the consequences of your actions.  I watched Gladiator today and Commodus's sister was too damn tired of being strong.  After too many years, I'm too damn tired of being strong for you.  Hiding the pain, hiding what you put me through, hiding how you nearly ruined the beginning of my academic career, all because, at the very least, I thought of you as my friend.  Yet you laugh at me?  You have no idea who I am or what I've become.  The luxury of being a woman with a cute face but a weak frame in this day and age is that if you start crying out, guys will flock to your feet.  So you got what was coming for you.  Fortunately, you got lucky enough to suck in a good guy.  The point of this rant is that you made a mockery out of me a few months ago.  And now, you continue to mock me again because I don't want to confront the consequences of my actions?  I may be ridiculous but I am weak, I am tired of your constant reminder and mockery.  I've been through enough of your shit and I just want a break.  I just want to go bowling.  I would hide my discomfort for any of the girls, not just you.  You are special to me but don't think you are on some pedestal of greatness.

Black balloons aren't so pretty anymore, are they?  If I become what you became to me...

Think of your happy place:  Solitude, Gold Hill, Broadway

July 27, 2004

I know that I'm torturing myself.  Yes, I do think this girl is as close to perfect as possible.  My greatest fear is not knowing if I will be able to find another at her level.  Every girl that I become interested in will be compared to her.  That scares the crap out of me because knowing me, I may never be satisfied.  I've been told I will never be satisfied without God being the center of my relationship with another but in all reality, God-centered or not, she makes me happy regardless of anything.  I find it very unlikely to find a woman be as well-rounded in all aspects as her.  God, I'm asking for help...

All girls with guitars can be rockstars.  Megan's voice is beautiful.  Her singing and playing guitar really makes me want to finish my songs.  So many lyrics with no background.  At least I can borrow her voice if I ever do recordings.

Music is the one constant in my life.  Maybe that's why it is a passion that stretches beyond any computer, any sport, and woman.  Music talks to you, laughs with you, dances with, loves with you.

July 7, 2004

Almost lost my composure today.  I can't be doing that again.  I've been doing very very good.  Must continue being good.  Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming.  I don't want to be too deep where I can't swim anymore.  Just let me slip away against the current.  It's better that way...I promise.

Reference to July 1st...I think I cursed my summer after that entry.  The recent good aspects of the summer have ended up being temptations I don't need.  Darren, I do need to play some tennis.  Yes, tennis: the sport of worldly, indecisive repetition.  The ball spins and bounces in unpredictable manners that causes one to be caught off guard by the ball's actions.  If one can solve the puzzle, he returns it to his opponent in the same confusing fashion.  Signs of love, hate, pride, anger, tension are returned back and forth until one person screws up and loses everything in the end.

I am flawed. 
But I am cleaning up so well. 

Let's try and keep it up k?

July 5, 2004

This early morning, before I say hi to Ms. Pillow and before I druel all over her comfortable glory, I'd like to use this time to ponder....hmmm.

Funny how all my girls are so grown up now.  I stayed around Krysia's place with the girls until 2:30 AM or so because I wanted to get to know the changes in the girls.  Minus the Sky Vodka and rum and attempts at making mixed drinks, I mostly felt welcome.  I had pretty good conversations with each of them, all of which carried a common topic: the new boys.  It's kinda funny that the girls talk to me, another felon of the male race, about their boys when there are problems.  At first my thought bubble said "Muahahaha.  No companionship drama in my life of leisure!"  But then, thought bubble of thought bubble rebuked and said "...ahh but having somebody you care about enough to have that kind of drama is definitely worth the dark sides from time to time." 

mmmm...Jerry you're such a pansy sometimes.  We get it already!  New material please!  Next entry please!

July 2, 2004

Feeling alone even though I know I'm not.  Strange.

John Mayer - Something's Missing

July 1, 2004

Summer = superb.  Carne asada fries = *sigh*

I like all these new friends and old friends.  Love in the air, but in that friendly way at least.  I haven't felt this comfortable living at home in awhile.  If things were like this all the time in San Diego, I'd love to be at home.  Unfortunately the college disease gets in the way. 

Simplicity is bliss.  Relationships are not hindering me right now.  I enjoy going to the movies, an occasional theme park, or even just hanging out meaning people in a friendly house environment.  I'm so thankful and satisfied with what I have in life right now.  Maybe it's only this initial feeling that will live for about 2 minutes.  But it is a two minutes well spent...that's for sure.

Haha.  But yea Darren...eh old flames just come out of nowhere once you think you put them out.  I know the ideal for me would be near impossible.  But Jerry doesn't mind being the cat chasing the mouse from time to time.  I've spent most of my life as the vermin type anyway. 

Enjoy Midtown.  Enjoy Franz Ferdinand.  Enjoy out of body experiences...literally.  Hey Darren...expect a phone call in about one minute.

June 24, 2004

Yes, not having that significant other is lonely.  You see others who have their own and you look back at the pictures and memories you were used to.  Especially because I am a struggling Christian, the amount of girls I can actually "date" is very limited at this point in time. 

I wish that I could show you why your goal in life is so...well...wrong.  Your home, your happiness, your sense of completion in life is centered around the love family, friends, and/or boyfriends give to you.  While that's fine and dandy, this worry is futile because in this world, there will always be people loving you.  Your personality just attracts the best of people to present itself proudly to the rest of this world.  In a glorious and great addition, God loves you and will continue to love you until judgment.

This brings me to one of my biggest flaws: embarrassment.  I want to share the Gospel to my friends and to my non-believing family.  But even my own Faith is weak at times.  But I love my friends and family so much that I want to preach true salvation through God.  I must read more Word, I must pray more often, I must realize that my life progresses because of God's will.  And even as I say that last statement, I begin to think about the fact that Christianity cannot be 100% proven of disproved.  HOWEVER, I receive this rush of Faith every time I start to intensely ponder about God, whether it be His existence or just Him in general.  I believe this is Faith entering my heart.  It's comforting enough for me to go to sleep with a smile on my face.

May 30, 2004

So before bowling, I finally had a few hours of privacy...away from family, friends, and all distractions.

I've realized that I'm sad that my friendships are breaking apart.  I don't know if this is true, but it seems that when Christi and I were together, Darren was with me, Lauren was with her, Megan fit in with everyone, therefore making our group.  Now that I am single and attempting to be asexual, I feel like I'm losing the girls.  I love them all so very much and would gladly do anything for them, but unfortunately their end of the friendship was not as strong as I would have hoped.

In the past, I used to get so upset over stupid things like bowling and Halo because I would do worse then my best.  However, I fixed this pride issue one night.  One night before bowling in Santa Barbara, I prayed that my pride and patience would be tested again.  To my disdain, I was tested and I was falling farther and farther into my own pit of despair and self-pity.  My anger grew each throw and even though I had flashbacks of May 10th, I my anger could not be stopped.  I was on an unnecessary rampage, almost ruining the night  However, the last frame of the game, I only need to hit down 2 pins for the win.  I prepared, I approached, and my form was completely broken, allowing me to only pick up 1 pin: there go, the game was a tie.  Frustrated, I walked off.  Five minutes later, I realized that my prayer was answered.  No team lost.  I didn't lose the bowling match.  I failed the test that I prayed for.

One might say that the previous night was  a coincidence.  More and more, I'm beginning not to believe in coincidences.  Too many "coincidences" have happened due to prayer.  I know that there are is no 100% factual basis to prove that God exists.  I know that there is no 100% factual basis to prove that God does not exist.  But it seems that every minute of every hour, I think about Christianity.

Therefore, I believe I can openly say that I am Christian.  Facts are facts...I still thoroughly question what I read and what I am told.  I take every little bit of information about God into serious consideration.  However, there is this warmth, or something, that seems to build my patience and cool my temper whenever I bowl for Biblical intentions.  For example, my Friday night bowling performance was horrible, but I was in a great mood.  Sure frustration was in my head a good portion of the time, but I had Faith this was another test that I prayed for a few hours beforehand.

I am who I am.  I can only pray that my friends do not hate me and/or stray away from me because of my newfound beliefs.  Instead, I hope that they DO see that I have improved and changed, and therefore question how and why. 

May 18, 2004

I finally got passed it.  The point of no return.  I already reached 88MPH... can't stop now.  I have another great friend now instead of whatever-the-hell else our relationship could have been.  What a great relief.  Granted, I'm still scared $hitless and plenty awkwardness will undoubtedly be available, summer should be something to look forward to.

On another note, I truly think having only 12 units this quarter is not healthy for me.  I have way too much free time to play video games and my sleep cycle feels like I'm playing Diablo again.  Although I enjoy the free time and luxury of using some extra time on the school work, I am indeed easily distracted by stupid tennis games and master chiefs.

Krysia brought up an interesting point, saying that San Diego does not feel like her home anymore.  I hope I never feel that way.  I truly believe people make a certain place my "home."  I'm glad the relationship with the parents has grown to the point where I enjoy their company most of the time.  And I'm glad I miss all my San Diego friends everyday when I'm at Santa Barbara because it makes it all the more exciting to go back to the hometown.  And I'm glad that when I remember why I moved out of San Diego, I can always come back to what is waiting for me in the fall.  Therefore, I can conclude that I do appreciate both places to the same extent of calling them my "homes."  How fortunate I am to have two places I can call home. 

I will miss my rock star treatment and miss the sexy boys.

My Faith grows with each day.  I can only pray that I won't be treated differently.

May 10, 2004

I'm very afraid.  On May 22nd, the one person who the utmost control over me is returning.  My feelings for her are still very questionable.  I'm scared to the bone about letting my "want" feelings take over my "should" feelings.  I'm afraid she is not the same person that I used to know, therefore put up a front of her former self.  I realize that statement is harsh, but I must be prepared for the worst.  I cannot let myself be taken for granted, nor let myself fall into a hole of doubt and regret.  She said it herself "I think I just love too much, and then get disappointed when people don't love me the same way."  I wish she would listen to herself more.  Darren, I might need your help.  If you notice anything fishy about me or my actions, please confront me.

I wish I wouldn't get to caught up in my own shame.  You bowled two 200 games in a row and all I could think about for awhile was how badly I was performing.  After a few minutes, after I calmed my nerves, I realized what my friend had done.  I apologize for letting my emotions create an awkward and, often times, unnecessary atmosphere.  After all, it is just a game. 

I'm tired of Dimitri.  All he does is take with no sense of gratefulness.  Granted, he did take me to the train station once.  At that moment, I gladly gave him show-pow to show my gratitude.  But other than that, all he does is take!  What kind of example is he trying to set?  He talks of my other roommates being inconsiderate because they are noisy sometimes?  WE REFUSE TO ADAPT TO YOUR STANDARDS.  WE ALL MUST ADAPT TO THE PROS AND CONS OF EACH OTHER.  I wish he would notice the type of relationship that the four freshman have and realize how we treat him.

I'm scared, excited, and disgusted about her return.  I can't get her out of my head. 

O Death, where is thy sting?

April 19, 2004

Should I feel like a failure?  By dropping this computer science class, I am saying I cannot handle the time-consuming pressure of my current curriculum.  Although I do have reasons for lacking the prerequisite knowledge for the class, I can't help but feel like I'm giving up without a fight.  Granted, I did read chapters and I spent countless hours on the lab...

On the other hand, I feel like I am making the right move by slowing down.  Following the example of my brother, it is better to learn the material than to continue copying from another person and moving on.  Although more time is needed to complete my education, I do not believe my parents would ever sacrifice my chances of success for a few hundred dollars.  As spoiled and unruly as that sounds, I need to be selfish and use my parents in this instance if added time is truly needed to contribute towards a more successful college career.  And if anything, I'll be able to get all As this Spring Quarter and raise my GPA a little.

I do not mind taking a class or two over the summer.   What I truly despise is not being able to spend my summers with the people I rarely get to see.  Although I agree with the hymn in Megan's profile, it does not and will not change the fact that my friends are very dear to my heart. 

But then again, I chose UC Santa Barbara over UC Irvine because UCSB was better for my education.  I was very aware that my friends would be much farther away than I would have preferred, but again, I have to be selfish and think for the future.

As of now, I am dropping the class.  I am 95% sure.  That next 5% will come with a nights sleep. 

Final thought:  I like pictures.  TAKE MORE!

April 5, 2004

I see why I tend to do all my work late at night.  My mind is so clear and free at these times.  I feel I can see things as they truly are.  Quite a liberating feeling that I wish I could maintain throughout the course of more than a few hours. 

My first impressions of a few people have turned out to be false representations.  And this makes me very happy.  I apologize for not giving you all the respect you deserved in the past.  But I suppose it doesn't help when I first meet you when you all are a bit tipsy?  Either way, I appreciate the new company!

I've been enjoying carrying this camera with me everywhere I go.  I miss so many incredible moments worth documenting.  At least I can give myself a fighting chance of containing the brilliant, the beautiful, and the breathtaking.  For example, I could have missed capturing this. 

Poetry is a wonderful tool of expression.  Before this journal, poetry saved my mind from being damned by the brutality of self-pity and hatred.  In addition, poetry laid ease and rest on my tsunami of powerful emotions and selective ideas.  I wish I had someone to share these poems with, whether it be in song or just an author/reader relationship.  If only enough time existed during these college comas...there would be so much a would enjoy doing along with the undeterred homework load. 

With that being said, the final thought...I may not believe in God, but I do agree with this:

But I tell you not to resist an evil person.  But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.  If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also.  And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two.  Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away.  Matthew 5: 39-42

March 31, 2004

It's those happy-sad feelings that hit you the hardest.

I'm happy for you cause you got a really good guy that seems to actually deserve the greatness that is you!  Woohoo...celebrate!  Unfortunately, I couldn't rise up to the occasion to challenge myself to take the spot before him, when/if I ever had a chance.

And you!  I've met you this year, miss.  You have this aura that surrounds you.  Maybe it's that forever optimism and happiness that Christina always used to share.  Even so, you're definitely the type of person I'd like to get to know more in-depth.  However, powers, supposedly, beyond my imagination create a barrier.

Am I girl crazy?  Definitely not.  I know my responsibilities up here and my grades reflect that I am accomplishing what I've set out to do.  However, I think I am just surrounded by incredible people, or have been fortunate enough to meet incredible people thus far in my lifetime.  Too bad I'm always a step or two or two hundred behind the competition.

Whine whine whine whine.  Let's move on.  I have more important things to worry about.  100k a year...here I come.

"I've never been so alone.  And I...I've never been so alive."  Third Eye Blind - Motorcycle Drive By

March 10, 2004 (Revisited)

It's one of the worst feelings to live life in denial.  For example, cigarette companies continue to deny the fact that cigarettes destroy one's body.  Even though the company executives are swimming in money, can they look at themselves in the mirror and not feel at least the tiniest guilt for pushing millions of people to their deaths?

Although I am not responsible for the lives of other people, I am responsible for my own life.  I find myself denying the very feelings that sit inside me for the sake of passive pleasure; that is, I hope to find comfort in temporarily setting aside my past emotions for a given amount of time in order to repair my once depressed self. 

So now that I am whole once again, I will attempt to venture backward and attempt to repair the friendship that I neglected. 

Think like a rock...think like a rock.

March 10, 2004

If I have changed in a negative way, you'll tell me....right?

The world has officially brightened.  I sit in the movie theater and look to my right...I see five other people.  I see five friends who appreciate other aspects of life other than alcohol.  We can all have conversations, watch movies, play board games, play video games, BOWLING, etc.  It's a really refreshing feeling, like a cold Pepsi during long games of Warcraft.

I would like to adopt Darren's idea of being asexual for a little bit.  After becoming closer with many friends,  I continually realize how many genuinely attractive people I've met in such a short time period.  By genuinely attractive, I mean the cute-smart-funny-nice-etc girls that seem to appear out of nowhere.  They take me  by surprise and engulf me  with their beautiful glory.  Their company is so comforting that I can't help but smile and be merry.  I, also, enjoy that feeling of being afraid of giving or receiving hugs.  This awkwardness shows that I am intimidated by their presence but also symbolizes the growing respect I have for them.  mmmm....With all that said, being asexual will keep me focused on my neglected school work.  But ya'll are just too darn attractive...but I like it! =)

So many sights to see...so many people to meet...I must take more pictures and show off who and what I've been so lucky to encounter. 

"Chocolate milk or beer?"  Honestly...did you really even need to ask?

March 3, 2004

So today I had my first "discipleship" with Larry. 

Never in my life have I been a religious person.  I'm such a factual based person, or so I'd like to say.  However, Christianity has taken an obscure interest in my life.  Who would have thunk it?  Religion is such an obscure concept that I never appreciated. 

I have been able to make one conclusion on this subject: the event of Jesus' resurrection is the center of many people's Faith.  I believe Paul wrote in the Bible, receiving a revelation from God, that if the resurrection of the Savior is false, than the whole basis of Faith in the Almighty God is false.  I am aware of "factual" evidence that proves the resurrection.  I am also aware of "factual" evidence that proves evolution.  Because the two ideas are an enormous contradiction, I have a few tasks I need to undergo:

1) Read the 4 gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
2) Finish reading the Case for Christ, by Lee Strobel.

Am I Christian?  Not by a long shot.  Am I giving it a chance?  Surprisingly yes.  Having Faith in God, Jesus, the Bible, and everything else that evolves out of Christianity must be so comforting.  The idea of living life in the Glory of God could relieve so many materialistic aspects in my life.  I can see myself becoming a better person because of Faith.  However, it's also frightening thinking about how Christianity would change my lifestyle.

Larry said he's happy I'm struggling with this.  He says that it's not enough just to believe.  You must a have a heart that seeks the heart of God.  Only then will God open himself to your eyes and to your life.  It's very comforting to hear that no one can push me to believe except myself.   I truly appreciate KCM for never pushing in a certain direction, only pointing the way if I'd like to take it.

And to think I once thought my college experience would  be centered around receiving higher education.  Instead, I'm struggling with how to live my life.

Someone give me a seatbelt.

February 24, 2004

Yes I have a midterm.  But I've got two three two things making figure eights in my head:

Darren brought a real good point questioning who I really trust.  I a firm believer of giving people I initially meet the benefit of the doubt; you are a trustworthy person until you do a series of deceitful actions.  But Darren pointed out another level of my well-being.  Do I trust you with my mind, this journal, or even better, my life?  I can't even give this "privilege" (for lack of a better word) to all those wonderful people you see listed below.  It's quite a paradox to me because along with this higher level of trust that I give people are my burdens.  So to you, the reader, I welcome you, but at the same time, I apologize.

I hate not being able to talk.  I stutter, I try to think of something snazzy to say, or I just smile and "uh huh".  People make me nervous.  Maybe even YOU make me nervous.  I've known most of you for how many years?  We've had classes together before, deep conversations, movies, the whole 8½ yards and yet....blah.  I'm glad ya'll still bother to deal with me.

It hits me like an infinite light
Lavishing for an eternity and a day
Offering new and exciting ways
Vindicating me to put up a fight.

Entering blank chapters over time
You write me seven days for every night
Only you can make me right
Understand I wish you were mine.

It forces me to look up above pride
Lessening the pain when I can believe
Our love is in this manna tree
Venting the pain not wanting to be dried

Everyday I will pray to this God
Yearning and sacrificing if I must
Overseeing my unconditional lust
Until my dreaming tree can be worth the applause.

Fish are friends...not food. 

February 23, 2004

If Darren trusts you, than I do too.  Welcome and happy birthday, Katie.

Today I feel thankful.  So many spontaneous acts of kindness from multiple people makes me feel the need to express my appreciation for a few people.  I know Darren and Katie are the only ones who read this (at least for now) but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate everything and everyone has done for me.  Awww so mushy mushy.  I don't care.  You guys are the greatest.

Darren:  Truly a best friend.  Even though you're in San Diego, you help make college life a great experience.  Even if you don't realize it sometimes, there are so many people who think very  highly of you, including myself.  If people around you don't appreciate the person you are, their loss; they don't know what they're missing.  One more thing...you're really good driver.

Dex: Dood.  You're like Mom and Dad when it comes to accommodating guests.  More importantly,  I like having a brother as a best friend too.  Thanks for setting the right example throughout my life. 

Krysia: For every night we cast upon each other, there are ten beautiful days.  I don't regret our time no matter what I've said and done.  Love comes and goes.  Friendships lasts forever.  No matter what, you'll always be my black balloon.        1-10?  10. 

Adam: The chances of meeting you at orientation was one in a million!  Having a friend like you is also one in a million.  Next year will be fantastic, roomy.

Larry: My Christian big brother.  Even if I can't accept God into my life, you have truly blessed me with your unsurpassable level of kindness.  If I can attain just a fraction of your kindness, I know I will become a better overall person.   I hope God continues to use you.

Esther: You never turn away whenever I need help.  You truly are a good momma.  Being neighbors again is super bien!  And as much as I complain, I don't mind you following me.

Filiz: You never cease to entertain me!  Chem lab, chem class, concerts...you find a way to make the best of sticky situations.  You should focus your art on yourself more often because you are a walking masterpiece.

Christina: My secret superhero!  No one has inspired me more to succeed.  How you survive two jobs and full-time education astounds me.  Every time I feel overwhelmed, I look at the picture of you on my wall and I feel inspired to push on.  You deserve only the very best of everything in life.  Don't ever settle for less.

The Roommates: Wow.  I would have never imagined being so lucky to have roommates like you guys.  I'll be sure to visit your houses next year to jam and drink all your alcohol.  I'm serious this time!  Ok...not really.

I have my happy thought.  What's yours? 

February 18, 2004

Simple statement that makes a lifetime of a difference: Enjoy being yourself.

February 16, 2004

As much as broken hearts amount
They somehow justify, phasing away doubts.

 Let the truth be known with painful intentions
To break the boundaries, to limit the tension.

I wish to not ask but still receive
The facts that ease my mind and set it free…

From anguish and jealousy, from sadness and rage
So I may finish this chapter and turn the page.

As much as broken hearts amount
They somehow justify, phasing away doubts.
*snaps*  *snaps*

So this ends another successful weekend back in SD.  I truly love it here but I still don't regret moving away.  I had huge doubts about living to far at the beginning of the snow season.  But thanks to driving efforts from Darren and Dex, they give me renewed hope until next year's season when my BLUE BABY IS BACK!!! 

Working this summer is on my mind.  Internship would be nice.  But if I work at some random computer place at the very least, I'll be decently happy.  And maybe one GE this summer to top it off?  Sounds ok to me.  How about to Black Balloon?  Who knows...but friends are friends.  Therefore, friends can always work things out; just like how I seem to fill myself up with the mystery meat served at the cafeteria.

This new bowling ball is stressing me out!  But it's so much fun!  Kuya Randy, I need you to teach me more!

Final thought: $319 for a teenager season pass at Mammoth.  Is it worth it, Darren?

February 6, 2004

I'm decently proud.  Welcome to UCSB.

February 5, 2004

First, all you people who say anything with a suffix -izzle need to just stop.  I'm sorry for being so cruel and unusual but that type of speech was ruined in high school.  I beg of you.  Put my soul at ease.

Second, here's a quick story from my nerd perspective:
    For writing class, we had to bring an instruction manual because we need examples of instruction structure.  I brought my Viewsonic Nextvision 5 manual.  My teacher asks me
    what the heck this is.  So I tell him it's a TV box for your computer.  THEEEEENN, the cocky computer geek in my class gives me this horrid look and says "haha...It's called a TV
    Tuner." 

Why do so many computer nerds feel they have to prove something to the world?  Any educated piece of society has already realized the importance of computers and their creators/modifiers.  Why must computer knowledge be used as a source of power to outperform one's neighbor?  Yes, I can honestly say I know more about computers than most people will in their lifetime.  But I don't go around trying to prove it to everyone!  I don't talk in a fashion where I constantly try to impress everyone with shitty computer jargon.  I don't bring up computers in every conversation I have so that the center of attention will focus on my void of useless words.

With that said, you'll probably be the only one that understands this frustration, D.  Reading back on what I wrote, it sounds like I'm overreacting over nothing.  But I hope you completely understand where I'm coming from; incidents like these have occurred so many times in so many different situations that sometimes I'm ashamed that I'll be, unfortunately, associated with over-confident ********.  If I ever appear to be a cocky prick about this computer stuff, hit me with a carne asada fry.

I want to go bowling.

February 3, 2004

I hate sounding and acting like a whiny, little high school boy who only talks about girls and relationships.  When, honestly, a relationship is something that doesn't need to happen anytime soon!  Suck on that, Jer-Jer!!!....Ah but still, how can I not think about it.  Quite a dilemma.  Poopie.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming.

Therefore, instead of thinking of that stuff, I decided to screw up my chemistry lab three times!!!  New world record!  Thank goodness for Filiz being entertained by my screw-ups instead of scolding me for it.  People like her just make this new place feel more like home.

Lesson for today:  Don't steal...in both the physical and psychological senses.  Nine times out of ten, it ain't worth it, brotha.

Peace out, yo.

February 2, 2004

To Whom This May Concern:

Keep your pants on.  Please?

Let's begin with this:

Welcome to college, <enter name here>! 
You should be here to work on occasion at the very least.  As much as I truly do not mind being a helpful person and having fun, I'd appreciate not having to carry you up the stairs every other week because you've passed out in front of the Trop door and you don't have your key.  For goodness sake, it's Monday!

On a lighter note, learning the Goo Goo Dolls' Black Balloon is quite an experience.  Initially, it was a reminder of a dear friend....But since exactly 8:08:47 PM....oi.  A thousand other boys could never reach you.  Maybe someday I'll be the one?  Damn it Darren.  At this rate I'll never get it out of my head.

Drama drama drama blah blah blah...k bye.