Brothers
(late autumn)
Noldo rode several strides behind Sindo, as was his habit. Sindo trotted along unconcerned, seemingly carefree. Noldo wondered whether he really was.
There was much that Noldo wondered now about his brother. Four different times over the past two weeks, he had been sitting with his back against a tree, awake or asleep, and had been terrified by the loud thwock of an arrow into the tree, beside his head. Sindo had lowered his bow, each time, and turned aside and busied himself with something else, or simply ridden off. Each time, Noldo had removed the arrow, and silently returned it to Sindo's quiver late in the night. Now he shunned trees altogether, preferring to lie in the open where his brother would have to worry about wasting the arrow.
Night after night, Sindo insisted on cooking dinner for him and watching over him as he slept, and often Noldo sensed real affection and gentleness in Sindo. And at other times, the look in Sindo's eyes made Noldo think of his lifespan in terms of minutes rather than years. He knew that Sindo was playing with him, and could have killed him each time, but had chosen instead to scare him out of his wits.
Noldo wondered over and over again if Sindo had gone mad. It was affecting his dreams and his nerves, and he had lost weight. Hunter was edgy because Noldo was edgy. He laughed seldom, whereas now Sindo laughed easily and carelessly.
He seems careless, or he wants me to think he's careless, Noldo pondered, but if he really wanted me dead, I would be. Half of me wishes he'd just finish me off and get it over with. Why is he keeping me alive?
He wanted to believe that it was because Sindo still loved him. But the other half replied that he was being naive.
Sindo turned to him, looking over his shoulder, and said,Watch those clouds. They're moving quickly."
"So... what am I looking for?" Noldo replied.
Sindo smiled. "I just think that they look nice."
Noldo's stomach turned, and Sindo smiled wider. "They're moving eastward, he said.
"Clouds do that."
"My, touchy today, aren't you?"
"I'm sorry, Noldo said. "I don't mean to be rude."
"No, of course not, Sindo soothed. "But about those clouds."
Noldo waited.
Sindo smiled, and turned forward again. Noldo, baffled, shook his head, and stared at the clouds, wondering if this was a brotherly game, or a deadly game, or madness. He felt his brother's thoughts along the edges of his own, and biting back tears of fear, let him in. There was no sense resisting him and occasional benefit to letting him in; if he closed his mind to Sindo, he aroused his suspicion and anger, and if he opened his mind, he earned only ridicule at worst, sometimes comfort and camaraderie at best.
He looked back up at the clouds, and now with his brother's thoughts influencing his own, he saw patterns and purpose in them, but fragmented, shadowy, uneasy. Why should clouds have purpose? he wondered. Was this mad game an indication of his brother's own mind, or of his anger towards Noldo? Would he ever know?
Sindo smiled, watching the clouds.
Glorfindel leaned his elbows on the armrests and rubbed his temples, concentrating hard. "I don't recognize either of them, he said.
Elrond stood at the railing and gazed up at the top of the valley. "The stronger mind is keeping the weaker mind confused enough to hide him from us, he said. "He doesn't want the weaker one to be found."
"I don't understand why, Glorfindel frowned. "Why not simply address us, or shut us out? Why this wide-open sowing and spewing of confusion? It's giving me a headache. He's being rude."
Elrond stood still, listening. "There is cruelty in the stronger one, bitterness and anguish, he said. "But there is kindness as well, struggling to be seen. He is in torment. If he would open fully to us, we could help him. But he chooses not to."
"He makes my head ache, repeated Glorfindel. "What is he afraid of, that he hides the weaker one from us?"
"That he is successfully hiding from me, Elrond frowned. "Indeed, I can see very little."
"What can you see?"
Elrond turned to Glorfindel. "Clouds." He sighed. "He is playing in his mind with the clouds like a child. Or like one who has lost his reason."
"I do not think he has lost his reason, Glorfindel said.
"No."
"They are just above the rim of the valley, Glorfindel said. "I could catch them quickly, and parley with them."
"They do not want to be found, Elrond objected.
"The strong one does not want to be found. Or so we guess; he is certainly being rude enough to push us away. But the weak one?"
"We cannot know. And so we should not pry further."
"They hardly obey the common courtesies of Osanwe that we were all trained in, Glorfindel objected in turn. "I hardly think that they know them."
"I will not use their discourtesy as an excuse to violate their privacy. We have already pried too much." Elrond's expression meant that the subject was closed, and indeed Elrond closed also his mind, and turned away.
Glorfindel sighed. This mystery intrigued him more than many others he had experienced in many years. Elrond was right, and Glorfindel gently allowed his mind to close. But for many weeks, he pondered who the two riders were that had ridden along the edge of the secret valley of Imladris, both minds open in Osanwe, the stronger mind using confusion to shield the weaker mind from two inquisitive Elven lords, and riding on their way, without word of greeting or challenge or even acknowledgement. It was puzzling, it was baffling, it was rude behavior. That ruled out Elves; would they have been Edain, men of the west? Somehow that did not seem to fit. Edain that learned Osanwe learned proper customs with it.
It would be several years before he would learn who had ridden past.
Sindo suddenly relaxed, and turned and smiled at Noldo, letting go of his mind. "Race you to the next hill."
Noldo gathered his reins, relieved and suddenly optimistic. He loved racing. He chased his brother over the next several hills, until their ponies were blowing and lathered.
The hoof beats echoed through the valley of Rivendell, and Elrond and Glorfindel exchanged puzzled and wry glances, and listened to the hoof beats thunder and slowly fade. Then they turned and left the balcony.
The two brothers rode hard for several days further south, and then Noldo decided that they should swing west. Sindo agreed cheerfully. They rode west for over a week.
******* (winter)
The rhythm of their ponies' hooves had relaxed them both. Powdery snow was drifting gently down. The air was still, and there was no sound beside the softly muffled hooves. For some reason, Sindo had decided he didn't want to lead today, and had dropped back to ride beside Noldo. Noldo wondered why.
Sindo turned and glanced at Noldo, and then said, "Tell me what you are thinking."
The falling snow did not muffle Noldo's bitter outburst of laughter. "How can you ask! Just look."
"No."
"You can find out anything you want to about what I'm thinking. Or feeling. I don't try and hide anything from you anymore. Why on earth do you ask?"
Sindo looked sad. "I really want you to tell me."
"Why?"
Sindo waited.
Noldo snorted again. "You won't like it anyway."
"Why not?"
"You won't."
Sindo sighed, and looked down at Archer's mane, and waited. Noldo puzzled, waiting, but there was no expectant or inquisitive touch at the edge of his thoughts.
After a while Sindo spoke again. "Just talk to me."
"About what?"
"Look, I'm... I'm sorry I've ... I've been such a beast. I've been lording it over you and pushing you around, and... and I'm sorry."
Noldo watched him for a while, and then replied, "You're the peskiest thing around, kiddo."
Sindo smiled sadly. "Thanks." A twinge of nostalgia crossed him, and then he sighed. "If it wasn't snowing, I'd say, let's run the ponies."
"Too risky now, you're right."
"So.. so tell me that thing that's going to upset me so much."
Noldo laughed. "Really?"
"Really."
"You're sure."
"Yes."
"Certain."
"Oh, come on!"
"First promise me something," Noldo teased.
"What?"
"No more stray arrows."
"They went exactly where I meant them to."
"It's not funny, Sindo."
Sindo studied Archer's mane again, then started trying to divide the hairs down the center and put an even amount on each side.
"That never works," Noldo mused.
"Like so many other things I do," Sindo said. "All right. No more stray arrows. And I'm sorry for that too."
"Pesky." Noldo reached over and gave him a token shove of affection. They rode on for a while in silence, which eventually Sindo broke.
"So now tell me."
"All right," Noldo said. He took a deep breath, but dreaded opening his mouth. Finally, he said, "Lily. I was thinking about Lily." His voice choked, and he was silent.
"Waterlily Fairbanks," Sindo mused.
Noldo nodded, and stared at the horizon fighting tears.
"What about her?" Sindo prompted, once he thought his brother was ready to speak again.
Noldo thought. "Everything about her was soothing," he said. "Her eyes, her voice, her way of talking. Her respect for her brother."
"She was always polite to you, too," Sindo mused.
Noldo nodded. "Yes. She was."
"Is that what's important to you in a girl? That she's soothing and polite?"
"I don't know," Noldo said, surprised by the question and not quite easy about it. "I mean, it's awfully nice."
Sindo nodded, thinking. "Is that what you were thinking when I first asked?"
No sense lying about anything, Noldo reminded himself; he can, and will, check what I said later, next time he's visiting my mind. He sighed. "No."
"What then?"
"I was thinking," Noldo replied carefully, "how rosy and soft her cheeks always looked, and how I always longed to touch her cheek with my hand, and then, kiss her on the cheek and touch her hair."
Sindo thought about that for a while. So did Noldo. Finally Sindo spoke again.
"Did you really love her?"
That was too much. Noldo turned his head away.
Sindo watched him. "Let go of her, Noldo."
"For pity's sake, how can--"
"Noldo, she's dead."
"You-- you callous, insensitive-- "
Sindo looked away then.
Noldo clenched his teeth and swallowed his angry words, though he thought them anyway. Now anger mixed with the grief, and he fought back tears. "Where on earth did you get the right to say that?" he spat through clenched teeth.
Sindo's eyes flashed. "You haven't seen Lily for over a year, and you know you won't see her again. But day in and day out there's been a girl adoring you with every breath she takes, and all you can think of is someone you'll never see again. Now who's callous and insensitive?"
Torn between grief and seething fury, Noldo wrenched Hunter to a halt, and sat staring and shaking with rage. Sindo looked back over his shoulder as he rode, and finally Noldo turned Hunter away, fighting off grief and fury and weariness, sagging over the pony's neck. He couldn't leave his little brother, no matter how furious he was, and he had given his word he would not raise a hand against him again. But he wasn't going to hurry to catch him just yet.
Sindo waited patiently and silently, and when Noldo eventually resumed riding west, Sindo kept him in sight til sundown, and then quietly made dinner from rabbits he had shot from the saddle that afternoon. Noldo was angry enough not to speak to him for several days, and stricken enough by his words to feel guilty about his longings for Lily. For the next several days, and nights, Lily and Lorien wove, bafflingly tangled, in and out of his dreams and waking thoughts. And Sindo, without leaving his side, left him in peace.
********
The Fairy Wife