Lorien's Secrets
(Early Spring)
"This, " said Mirthlûn, "Is Gildor. And this is Cirdan."
Sindo and Noldo bowed, and Mirthlûn introduced them too. Then Mirthlûn left, and Noldo and Sindo were alone with Cirdan and Gildor. A silence followed, and the hobbits studied the two new elves even as they were themselves studied. And then to his surprise, Noldo sensed a gentle presence on the edge of his mind. He welcomed Cirdan automatically, and asked him what he would like to know.
Cirdan replied, I would like to understand your love for the girl you call Lorien.
Noldo and Sindo exchanged glances, and Noldo realised that Gildor had likewise approached Sindo.
For the next hour, Cirdan explored Noldo's memories and feelings, and Noldo was reminded of nothing so much as Sindo. Cirdan was much more polite, and asked permission before he explored anything, but Noldo knew that Cirdan was easily as thorough as Sindo was. He sensed in Cirdan many greater depths yet unplumbed, and was afraid to ask or look.
Meanwhile, Sindo was also realising he had met his match in Gildor. Gildor politely pressed him for many answers, and Sindo's natural resistance and reticence faded under Gildor's strength of will.
When the hour was over, Cirdan and Gildor physically got up and changed places, almost ceremonially, Noldo thought. And then Gildor was at the edge of Noldo's mind, asking to be let in, and Cirdan was exploring Sindo's memories. This lasted rather longer.
However, it did finally end, and the stars glittered coldly outside.
Cirdan rose, and paced toward the starry window. "Noldo."
"Yes, sir."
"You believe that Lorien's parents died in the fire, and that you saw their bodies."
"I assumed so, sir. We all did."
"Lorien's parents were not there."
Noldo waited, icy fear in his heart.
"Noldo, her parents had died four years earlier in another raid."
"....Oh, no."
"That fire that you saw was Lorien's second great loss. Doldo and Mallie were her third."
No wonder she snapped at the first fire above the Langwell; no wonder she panicked when the dragon came. Not from fear of the danger; from despair at another loss. Noldo silently wept for Lorien. Sindo stood, stunned, reviewing everything he knew about Lorien and wondering if there was any way he could have guessed; but she had blocked out her entire past.
Cirdan continued. "The guardians that she was with on the hillside, had great pity on her because of her loss. Too much pity. They failed to guide her, failed to guard her from her own selfishness. They indulged her. So when you received custody of her, you received custody of a spoiled, impertinent, arrogant, selfish child."
Sindo, knowing what was coming, hung his head.
"And your brother endorsed and supported her every desire. She is now more spoiled than she was before." Cirdan turned and studied Noldo.
"Now that you know what has happened to you and why, do you not wish to be released from your oath?"
Rather than wildly roaring 'no' at Cirdan like he wanted to, Noldo thought that over. "Sir, I know that Lorien would be better off married to another elf instead of me, and that I failed to keep her long future in mind when I offered her my hand. I know that my own decisions were bad, and that I was short-sighted. Yet, sir, you ask me only if I wish to be released from my oath. No, sir, I do not. I love her still. And I do not wish to be parted from her. Whether that is wise or prudent or just, I do not know. Perhaps not. Probably not. But you only asked me what I wished."
"Indeed, your mind is not my concern tonight. I seek to understand your heart," Cirdan replied. "I ask you again: do you love her?"
"Yes, I do."
Cirdan stepped closer. "Do you love her," he continued, "enough to curb her pride, and train her out of her impertinence, and humble her arrogance, and teach her selflessness? For these tasks will not prove easy."
It sounded like Cirdan was asking him if he wanted her back desperately enough to actually finish her upbringing. Noldo's head spun. He thought hard, and remembered Adaron's story, and all the counsel Adaron and his young Lothuial had received.
"Sir, perhaps-- perhaps it would set you and I both at ease if Lorien and I were to have assistance. Elvish assistance."
Gildor's eyebrows went up. "What kind of assistance would you consider?"
"Someone to mentor her, and me. Someone to advise us, perhaps to come and visit us, and see how she is doing, in regard to her humility and selflessness, and see how I am doing in leading her and caring for her; and to counsel us both. Is that possible?"
Gildor and Cirdan studied each other. "Indeed, it will be made possible, if you desire it. Have you thought of anyone in particular?"
"Yes, sir. Adaron."
"It is a good request." Cirdan nodded. Then he studied Noldo again.
"She does not desire to be released from her oath, even now that she knows who and what she is, and what life in Forlond would hold for her. She does not want to lose you, Noldo, nor you, Sindo. And given her threefold loss, I do not wish to inflict a fourth. Not now. Many more losses will come to her later; but by then she will have the strength to bear them. I do not wish to separate her from you now."
Noldo held his breath, hardly daring to believe what he heard. Sindo stifled the urge to shout and break into a wild celebratory dance.
"I foresee that your trials are not yet over, Noldo. But Lorien will return to you in the morning, as your wife. You are welcome to stay in Forlond for as long as you like; and I suggest that the three of you stay at least 'til the child is delivered. The midwives here will care well for your wife and child both."
Sindo could bear it no longer, and a shout of delight escaped him. Noldo jumped, but Sindo pounded his back, and then burst into tears. Noldo stood by him with one hand on his shoulder, pondering, watching Cirdan, casting glances at Gildor. They waited.
Finally Cirdan approached Noldo gently. "Adaron is a good choice. He is young, but he is wise far beyond his years. I will ask him to mentor you."
"Thank you, sir."
"And now, until the morning comes, I suggest that you rest if you can. You are both very weary, in body, mind, and heart. Sleep now, and may no fears or worries burden your dreams."
Cirdan and Gildor went outside, and three of the four elves returned. Adaron was outside speaking with Cirdan. Then Cirdan and Gildor walked away, and Adaron returned. The kind joy in his eyes gave Noldo the answer he needed, but Adaron confirmed it. "I will come and visit you, if you wish me to."
Before Noldo could find an answer, he also burst into tears. Adaron smiled, and placed a hand on his shoulder and guided him back upstairs to his room. Naurloth followed with the now quiet Sindo.
That night, Noldo was afraid that he would be unable to sleep. But whether from the draining day he had had, or from the quiet presence of Adaron who sat in the room next to his, reading, Noldo dropped off easily. Naurloth wandered between the room his father sat in and the roof of the house as he silently sang in Sindo's mind, and Sindo wove The Lay of Nimrodel in and out of his dreams.
*******
Noldo woke just before dawn, wondering when Lorien would arrive. Sindo was already up, washed, and restless. Noldo washed up, and paced, not hungry. Sindo watched from the rooftop. Noldo joined him, pacing there.
Adaron and Naurloth joined them. Naurloth went to Sindo, and they stood gazing out over the railing. Adaron and Noldo paced.
"Adaron, where are your wife and daughter?"
"They are on their way. They left the forest when we turned south, but they did not ride as hard as we did. They will come here."
"Is this your house?"
"Yes, it is."
"Thank you for opening your house to us."
"You are welcome to stay as long as you like."
"Are we? Adaron, it feels like home here, with you and Naurloth. I enjoy it here."
"Why don't you stay here as long as you remain in Forlond?"
"I should like that very much. Thank you, friend." Noldo paced a little, and then asked, "What is your daughter's name?"
"Which one?" Adaron asked, and then blushed. Noldo had never seen an elf blush before.
"I thought you only had one daughter!"
"Lothuial is expecting again," Adaron said. "It is one reason they are travelling slowly."
"There's no reason for you to be embarassed! I congratulate you, Adaron."
"Please don't tell Mirthlûn. I'm just worried that when Mirthlûn finds out, he will give me another name. This one's bad enough."
"Why? What's wrong with your name?"
"Belegadar. Mighty Father. Even when you shorten it to Adaron, which has the same meaning, it's rather presumptious, don't you think? He could have named me Kind Father, or Happy Father, or something a little more innocuous. But alas, Adaron it was and is, and few forget it. Mirthlûn is quite fond of telling everyone that Lothuial has had two children in twenty-eight years. Now it will be three children within fifty years, and he will give me no peace."
"I do believe you're rather shy. What were you named at birth?"
"Nevermind that. Adaron will do fine."
"You didn't like that name either!"
"No. I've often wanted some sort of normal name, like Blue River, or White Cloud, or Green Tree. But everyone has such grandiose ideas."
"Perhaps there's a reason for that, " Noldo smiled. "Whatever people may call you, you've been very kind to me, and I'm grateful. But how do you know that your little child is a girl?"
"By the sense of her mind. The same way I knew that Lorien's child is a boy."
Now it was Noldo's turn to be silent. Adaron smiled. "It makes choosing names easier, or so they tell me. I'm not good at choosing names anyway."
"You could let Mirthlûn name the girl," Noldo smiled mischievously.
"The poor child would be named Little Elbereth, or Queen of Arda, or something. No. She will be named after a humble blossom of some sort, like her mother and brother and sister before her."
They looked out over the railing, but the streets were mostly empty.
"And my elder daughter's name," Adaron added, "is Lothlûn, which means Blue Flower."
"It's a sweet name. Did Mirthlûn have anything to do with it?"
"He did not name her. If you're asking whether we named her after my good friend, the answer is yes. But I think he was so thrilled that we named her after him, that he renamed me. I have often wondered if I called her Tirloth, Watchflower, if I would not have such an embarassing name now."
"Tirloth isn't as pretty a name as Lothlûn."
"No." Adaron sighed. "Well, it could have been worse. He could have called me Little Feanor, instead of you."
"What does that mean, anyway?"
"Poor Noldo. He only named you after the elf who created the Silmarils and was indirectly responsible for the downfall of all of Beleriand and half of civilization. That's all. Perhaps if you do not mention it again, no one will remember it and it will not stick."
Noldo chuckled. "Too bad. I rather liked being called Fiery Little Spirit."
"You did?"
"Ned would have laughed." And then Noldo fell quiet, and Adaron decided not to ask why at that time. There was a long silence.
Suddenly both Noldo and Sindo stiffened, and ran to the front railing, looking wildly up and down the street. They could not see her. Naurloth and Adaron looked at them, puzzled.
"Didn't you hear it?"
"Hear what?"
Noldo and Sindo laughed, listening again. Come find me. Her voice laughed inside their minds like the sunlight on the water. Come find me. They guessed she was behind the house, on the street that ran past the back garden; they looked over the back wall. There she was, laughing, on the other side of the garden fence. If they went out the back door, they'd have to climb the fence, or figure out how to open the strange gate. But if they went out the front door, they could go around the garden.
"You go left, I'll go right, " Noldo whispered, and they pelted down the stairs, split up and sprinted around the house.
Sindo had a shorter route to get to Lorien, and by the time Noldo came around the corner, Sindo had met her, and embraced her, laughing. Noldo stopped, watching, listening, her laughter giving him chills of joy. Sindo looked up, and released her, and she turned to face Noldo.
He stood ten feet away, gazing at her, wondering suddenly who she was. What had the regained years given her, and had they changed her?
He gazed into her eyes. She had changed. He could see it. She looked at him with a depth, and a presence, that he had never sensed in her before. Suddenly she seemed ancient. He fought that. Adaron had told him that she was barely twenty-six. But not only had her own past been restored to her; she had learned, from Alphaelin and Aergeleb and Gildor and Cirdan, more in the past ten days about her elven history than she had in all her previous twenty-six years. It showed in her eyes, in her bearing, it changed the way that her mind felt. Noldo waited, torn between wild longing and sudden fear.
And then she reached her arms to him, and he sensed her calling again: Come find me, Noldo. Come find who I am.
He came. He held her as tightly as he dared, and buried his face in her hair and filled her mind with all the tenderness he could pour into her. Sindo quietly turned to leave, but Noldo called him back; and after Noldo kissed Lorien, the three of them walked around the front of the house, through it, and into the back garden, and opened their minds to each other.
For a while they laughed for joy, and shed a few tears; but then they rested in the gladness that they were all together again at last, and that there was no need for them to be separated anymore. Noldo and Sindo happened on the same thought together, and Noldo turned to Lorien, and spoke out loud to her.
"Stay with me, Lorien; stay with me. And Sinda will live close by, and make his home in a hillside not far from ours. We need you. Stay with both of us. Come and make a home with us."
She smiled like sunlight shining down through deep blue water, and replied, "Noldo and Sinda are my people; I am at home now. You are my home."
***********
The Fairy Wife