Reckoning
(Mid Spring)
For moments that seemed like minutes, everything stood terribly still. Noldo had an overwhelming desire to take both Ned and Lily into his arms, and he was desperately trying to fight off that desire and afraid that he would fail. He groped blindly for Lorien's hand, found it, and held onto her for his sanity's sake.
She put her other hand on his shoulder, and for a moment he felt her gentle thoughts on the edge of his, and then Sindo plunged into his mind. "I did this. This is my fault. I'm going to help them as best I can. Let me handle this." And just as quickly, he left Noldo's mind.
Sindo approached Ned, and said quietly, "Come in, please, both of you. Come in." He gently took Ned's good shoulder and Lily's wrist, and turned them towards his smial.
But Noldo stepped forward. "Ned."
Ned turned a guarded stare on him, glancing from Noldo to Lorien and back, and waited.
"Ned, I-- I thought you were gone. I thought I would never see you again. Nor Lily." His voice broke. Noldo reached for Ned's good shoulder. "I've missed you both so much." His voice broke again, and he stepped back and could not meet Ned's eyes any more.
Ned thought about that for a while, and his eyes softened somewhat. "Join us, Noldo, " Ned said, softly. "And you, too, please, lady."
"This is Lorien, " Noldo whispered. "Lorien, this is Ned. And this-- " his voice broke again, Lily looked up and met his eyes, and that finished Noldo off. He could not breathe, nor could he tear his eyes from Lily's; he froze, tortured and ashamed, desperate for his wife's presence behind him, but he had let go of her hand.
Sindo cleared his throat, Lily looked away toward Sindo, and Sindo finished the introduction; "Lorien, this is Lily Fairbanks."
Lorien nodded kindly and gently said "At your service. You are welcome here, " which Ned thought was a bit strange, but kind.
She stepped forward and took Noldo's hand again. Lorien's thoughts enveloped Noldo's; she tried to bring some comfort into his mind, but she was carrying her own sadness over Waterlily's plight. In despair Noldo turned to Lorien and buried his face in her hair; suddenly Mirthlûn was at her side taking Lundo, and Lorien wrapped her arms around Noldo.
Ned, now baffled and thoroughly embarrassed, turned to Sindo for help, and Sindo gestured westward towards his doorway. Adaron and Naurloth accompanied Sindo, Ned and Waterlily westward to Sindo's front door; they sat there in what would prove to be his front-door-yard, and Lothuial, Lothlûn, and Thorontir, who had been cautiously hanging back, followed them there and made them as welcome as they could. Ned and Lily were very quiet for a while, occasionally glancing eastward at the still-weeping Noldo, as Sindo chatted about the new tunnels and the plans for the stables. Then Ned began to ask Sindo questions about his journey.
Mirthlûn and Lorien stayed with Noldo, who burrowed deeper into his wife's embrace and wept his heart out. The meal was long over and Sindo had told the entire tale of their trip across the mountains and their settling on the moors, before Noldo stopped shaking; even then he could not gather enough courage to walk over to Sindo's dooryard.
"You know what she meant to me, " he whispered, pleading; "I'm so afraid. Lorien, help me." He burrowed into her mind, desperately seeking strength from her. Lorien was almost as afraid as Noldo, but trying hard not to show it and unable to fight his fear at the same time as her own. They were trapped together in their common fears and regrets, spiraling deeper into despair as they sought strength in each other and could not find it.
Mirthlûn did not know how to pull them out of it. Eventually Lorien saw him look westward at Adaron. She listened to the thoughts fly, and knew that Adaron had engaged Ned and Lily in conversation, and Sindo was on his way across the hill.
He came to Mirthlûn, and took Lundo from him, and held the wide-eyed boy in front of Noldo. "Why did you name him Lundo?"
Hoarsely Noldo responded, staring at his son. "Because of the river. We looked for the river. And we were married by the river; we spoke our promises there. The oath." Slowly Noldo straightened. He looked into Lorien's eyes, and the oath resurfaced in their minds, and they remembered it and began to calm down. They remembered the day, the ceremony, the promises. They remembered that the air and the river and even the ground had seemed to listen.
One more deep, ragged breath, and Noldo looked out over the river below him, and reviewed the oath in his mind one more time, and then turned to his wife and repeated it, softly but clearly. She smiled at him, and repeated it back to him. He took her in his arms, and filled her with the strength that he had just found.
"Are you all right now?" Sindo asked quietly.
Noldo nodded cautiously. "It won't be easy, but I think I'm all right. For now, anyway." One more breath and he grasped Lorien's hand firmly and led her back across the hillside towards Sindo's dooryard. Mirthlûn and Sindo followed.
He faced Ned almost comfortably.
"You'll spend the night, of course, " Noldo said. "It took you most of the day to ride here, didn't it?"
"If you're sure it's all right, " Ned studied him.
"Of course it's all right." Noldo nodded at Sindo, who said, "We have plenty of room, and plenty of food, and you'll be snug and dry."
Noldo invited Ned to see his smial and the planned site for the new stables. Ned hesitated, weary and not relishing the thought of limping across the hillside; Noldo whistled, and Hunter came. "Naurloth, would you mind giving Ned a leg up?" Naurloth lifted Ned easily onto Hunter, and Noldo thanked him and smiled up at Ned, and clapped his good hand, and led Hunter towards Noldo's smial. "I should get you out into the woods."
Ned gave him a wry look. "Show me your bad hand, " Noldo soothed him. Ned reluctantly did. Ned's thumb was gone, and his forefinger badly burned. Noldo considered his remaining fingers, and said, "You really only need two good fingers to nock an arrow. And your left hand is all right, isn't it?"
Ned looked at Noldo, and back down at his right hand, and worked his three good fingers a little, pondering. "My shoulder's a bit tricky. But it might be worth a try. How would I find the arrow behind my back with no thumb?"
"The quiver doesn't have to be on your back. It could be where you could see the nocks when you reach for them, " Noldo suggested. "Being out in the woods ought to do you good. We could make you a lighter bow to start with, and let you take your time. "
"We?"
They were walking past Noldo's front door now. Noldo nodded. "Ned, I want you to think about staying here. With us."
Ned shook his head. "I hardly think..."
"Ned." Noldo stopped Hunter and turned to face his old friend. "Things have changed. There are some things we can't change back, now or ever. Some things are all awry. And some things that will be haven't yet become clear. But one thing hasn't changed. You are my friend. And I want you to stay with me. I want you to come hunting and riding with me and my brother. I want to meet you at the inn for song and laughter and a beer. And if you'd oblige me by living in my neighborhood, I'd be grateful."
"And Lily?"
"Tell me about Lily." Noldo bit back tears, and Ned watched him. "Why did you come looking for us?"
"I was hanging on to your memory as her last hope, " Ned replied. "Lily can't keep a household; no one would marry her except for the sake of her heart. I knew you would. At least, I thought you would."
"I can't marry her, Ned," Noldo said hoarsely. "But I can't leave her destitute. You say she can't keep a household. What is it that she can and can't do?"
"If she wears fawn skin gloves, she can garden, carefully, or gather herbs like she used to. But she can't sew, and cooking isn't an option; her hands can't take the heat of the kitchen. "
Noldo's eyes steeled. "We don't need a seamstress, and we don't need a cook, " he said.
"What are you getting at?"
"Lorien learned to sew in Forlond. And Sindo always cooks. But, " Noldo met Ned's eyes, "none of us like to garden, and Lorien doesn't do well on just meats, not for very long. She thrives on fresh plant food. Roots, leaves, vegetables. I should have a grain patch for her, but none of us can face the idea. I need a gardener in my community. Badly."
Ned thought about that.
"How about you, Ned? If need be, could you pitch in with the weeding and such? That is, when you're not out hunting with us."
"Sure, " Ned frowned.
"Then we need you too. Think it over. "
"We live way down the river."
"We're digging new rooms now. If we're going to want an apartment for you and Lily, or a whole separate smial, now is the time to decide that, while we've got the help. We can always give you a barrable door. Lily will be quite safe. You could have a hole anywhere along this south facing slope, and be warm and well-lit all winter."
Ned thought, and thought. Ned's own little hole downriver faced east, and was generally damp and chilly, and that was bad for them both, making their limping worse. And it was dark and dreary in the afternoon. Noldo did have a good, warm, bright slope here; the soil looked good too, and the woods above reminded him a bit of the forests above Doldo's old home above the Langwell, except that they let in more sunlight and were cheerier, and not as steep. Noldo led him over the clear rushing brook, and past the site of the stables. They startled one rabbit after another. Then Noldo led him up into the woods, where after a few minutes they also startled a fine buck. Ned couldn’t help noticing that the moist earth was producing several different varieties of good mushrooms.
*********
Lorien and Sindo joined Lily, and together they set about trying to be a friend and ally to one whom they felt they each owed a terrible, unpayable debt. Lothlûn and Lothuial hovered nearby at first, bringing such comforts and pleasantries of the body and soul that they could. But Adaron suspected that Lorien and Sindo wanted to be alone with Lily, so the four elves went back to work in Noldo's smial, with instructions to call immediately if they could be of any assistance. The ladies retreated to a respectful distance, likewise available if called.
At first, Lily could not decide whether she was glad Noldo had left with Ned, or not. She had been desperate to see him, but it had all suddenly come crashing down-- how had he possibly married before he came of age? But then, many of the hitherto unbreakable customs had been set aside for one reason or another as people crossed the mountains and dealt with hardships and death. She would wait and see if there was an explanation. And even if there wasn't, she thought, there was no sense in being unkind. Her own hurt would fade in time. At least, she told herself that it would, as bravely as she could. She wanted to wish Noldo well.
Sindo by himself set her at ease. But she was jealous of, and very uncomfortable around this slender, golden, other-worldly creature who had captured Noldo. However, she tried to be a good guest, and courteous. It was easy for her to be respectful towards Sindo, who had always been kind, although he reminded her a bit too much of her Noldo. No, she reminded herself, not "her" Noldo; you don't have the right to call him that anymore; apparently you never really did. It was just a dream. She tried not to be bitter, but it was hard.
Sindo, Lorien, and Lily sat in a triangle on the ground, and Lundo played nearby until Lothuial and Lothlûn spirited him away to play with Lothrin.
Lorien and Sindo asked her many questions, and listened closely to her answers. She didn't want to tell them the story of their escape from the marauders along the Langwell, and their crossing over the Misty Mountains. But she said that they had stopped at Rivendell, and that the elves had been extremely kind to both her and Ned. Other than that, she chiefly spoke of the local culture, how close-knit it was, and how folks were having their own difficulties adjusting, and how unbalanced the population was. Lorien gave her a puzzled look then, and she reluctantly explained that there were many more hobbit lasses than lads, after all the fighting in the valley. Then she began talking about gardening in the sandy soil along the riverbank, and the fishing, and raising chickens and goats.
Sindo guessed that Lily's injuries made her situation even worse.
When she grew weary of talking, Lorien sang to her, and Sindo sang along whenever he could. Periodically Lothlûn returned with water and fruit. Lily began to relax, a little, and thought that Sindo was very kind to her, and that Lorien was showing her quite a bit of respect and deference. She wondered why.
Noldo and Ned returned after sunset. Ned was growing interested in this northern bend of the river, and its new denizens. But he was afraid to ask Lily if the idea of staying interested her.
Sindo begged Lily to stay the night in his smial, and he would sleep in the forest with Adaron and Naurloth and Thorontir. Lorien with Lundo returned to Noldo's smial. Lothuial and Lothlûn offered to stay in the smial with her, and she hesitantly agreed. But she had not had such cheerful and peaceful company in a while, and Lily and the two ladies spoke far into the night.
Ned and Mirthlûn stayed in one of Noldo's rooms. Mirthlûn was watching Lundo, as Lundo was fussy that night and Lorien was exhausted from the stress of meeting Lily. Mirthlûn held Lundo for a while, and then Ned became interested in the boy. "Blond curls. And look at those eyes." Ned held Lundo a bit, and Lundo seemed to appreciate him, and quieted partway down. While Ned held Lundo, Mirthlûn explained that the elves' presence was temporary, but that they planned to visit often. Ned plied Mirthlûn with questions, and Mirthlûn told what he could about their wintry stay in the woods, and their journey to Hoarwell. But of the times before that Mirthlûn would not speak.
"I imagine Noldo will tell me what he wants me to know, in due time, " Ned considered, thinking that the secrecy was a bit odd, but reflecting that elves were mysterious anyway. He considered asking Noldo, but Noldo was talking to Sindo.
That night, before he went up the hill to the woods, Sindo asked Noldo, "I have a question for you about Lily."
Noldo waited.
"If I do find that I'm interested in her-- if I find that I grow fond of her, will I have your permission to pursue her? To court her? Or even to ask Ned for permission to do so?"
Noldo's jaw dropped, even as the beginnings of hope kindled in his heart.
"You were right about her, " Sindo said. "Everything you said about her. She's lovely. She's courteous, soothing, patient, respectful. I'm already tempted to be interested in her, after just one afternoon. But before I let my guard down any further, what I want to know is, whether I have your permission to be interested in her."
Noldo nodded. "You have it."
"Then there's one more thing."
"What?"
"Crossing northern Eriador that winter, you showed Lorien all your memories of Lily."
Noldo nodded, dreading what might come next.
"Why don't you give them to me."
"Give them to you?"
"It's worth a try, isn't it? I want to see them anyway. Maybe you can further let go of them, at least a little. Lorien helped you to let go of them, partly, didn't she?"
"That was different; I thought I was grieving Lily's death. But still, it's worth a try. I need to let go. I'll try it. I'll need Lorien with me, I think."
"I should think so, " Sindo agreed. "Let's try it tomorrow night."
**********
The next day, all the hobbits slept in. When Noldo woke, Lorien was watching over him, and he was tempted to think that it had been a bizarre dream at first, but when he gently caressed the edge of Lorien's thoughts, he realised she was worrying about Lily. He wept and struggled again. Lorien shed some tears of her own. But eventually they calmed, and took comfort in each other, and remembered the Lune river and its place in their life together, and their son. Once again they took courage from the oath they had spoken, and shared that courage with each other, strengthening one another.
Noldo went up the hill and woke Sindo, and they came back down, and built a fire in Noldo's parlor fireplace, and soon there was toast and tea and coffee, and slices of baked apple drizzled in honey. Sindo thought they needed to find someone who raised chickens; he hated taking care of them himself, but this breakfast was missing eggs badly.
"We could use some milk, at least for the tea and coffee, " Noldo commented. "Perhaps a goat. I don't think we have enough grazing to support a cow and the ponies together."
"A goat? What's the point? And don't we need eggs more than we need milk?"
"I don't mind goat's milk. It's better than none."
"Your chatter would wake the dead, " Ned groused, coming into the parlor. "Eggs can be had, as can milk, downriver, if you're willing to make the trip."
"I'm not sure we want to count on that. But it's good to know."
"Well, you could probably find a goat too. Maybe."
Lorien came into the parlor long enough to hand Lundo to Noldo with a quick kiss, and then headed out the door. "Ladies' breakfast is planned next door, " she said. "I suspect the other hungry elves will be calling shortly."
She was correct; Mirthlûn had gone out and rounded up Naurloth, Adaron, and Thorontir, who crawled in to the parlor carrying some more bread and dried fruit from their campsite, and several containers of water, and some herbs they had gathered on the hillside. Sindo added some rabbit meat to the thyme and rosemary, and more toast was made, and the elves sat cross-legged by the fire and enjoyed a hobbit-breakfast, smiling at Sindo's apologies about the lack of eggs.
As they finished breakfast, Noldo turned to Ned, refilled his coffee, sat beside him, and gently asked him how he had escaped the fires on the banks of the Langwell.
Ned stared at the ground. "We were out fishing, north of the village. We headed home when we saw the smoke. But we realised that the entire shoreline was crawling with goblins and orcs. We never did come to shore. We could see that our house was on fire, and everything was burning and there were goblins everywhere. And then they started shooting at our boat.
"The first arrow hit my right shoulder, and caught my clothes on fire. Another arrow hit Lily's seat, and her dress caught fire, and that's how her right leg and cheek were burnt. It was at that point that we both jumped into the water."
Noldo and Sindo were both weeping, and Ned waved at them. "Now, now, we're both fine, so there's no sense in getting all upset."
"I'm sorry, Ned, go on." Noldo dashed his forearm across his face. Sindo made no such effort, and wept on.
"Well, as I was jumping out of the boat, another arrow hit me in the leg. I was in too much pain to think straight. And I started to go down. And that's when Lily took me by the shirt with one hand, and the boat with another hand, and held my face above water. "
Despite his previous admonition, Ned began to cry as well. "The boat was burning. But she wouldn't let go of it or me. When one hand got too burned, she changed hands, and held onto it with the other hand. Until finally, she saw another piece of wood that she could hold onto, and she somehow hauled me up onto it, and let go of the boat, and we floated downstream on that. By then the smoke hid us. And we drifted down river half the night, and when she came to the sandbars where she could touch bottom, she pulled me to shore. She found some other refugees headed south, and sweet-talked them into bringing us along; and they put both of us on their pack ponies, bless them.
"I crossed the mountains in delirium. I don't remember the passage at all. I remember waking up in Rivendell. They healed us both wonderfully, as I've been told by several hobbits since who fared less well. And then we traveled down the Bruinien, and settled further south, and here we are, " he finished, wanting to be done with talking for a little while anyway. "How about we head up into the woods and see if we can find some mushrooms for second breakfast?"
Noldo thought that if Ned learned where all the good mushrooms were growing, he would more than pay for his keep. He glanced at Sindo, who touched the edge of his thoughts and told him the same thing. They laughed, and Ned wondered about what, and Ned and Noldo went off together to hunt mushrooms. Noldo put Ned on Hunter again. Ned pointed out the mushrooms, and Noldo gathered them, and Ned took off his tattered waistcoat and bundled the mushrooms into it.
The day passed pleasantly, with Ned finding numerous half-plausible reasons not to head back home in any big hurry. Lily wondered why, but wasn't in the habit of fighting her brother in front of his friends, and so let it go. She was beginning to enjoy Sindo's company, and Lothuial and Lothlûn, and little Lothrin.
Ned and Lily each retired a couple of hours after sunset. Lothlûn and Lothuial with Lothrin again joined Lily, and Mirthlûn joined Ned, bringing Lundo with him. Thorontir joined them as well, for no apparent reason, but Mirthlûn was grateful; sometimes he was at a loss with the child, and sometimes with the hobbit, and he was grateful for Thorontir's presence.
Late into the night, Adaron, Naurloth, Sindo, Lorien and Noldo sat up at the edge of the woods overlooking the river. Noldo slowly and carefully remembered everything that he could about Lily, and one by one, set each memory in front of the other four, and tried hard to let go his ownership of each memory. To a certain degree, he succeeded. Each memory hurt a bit less. Each time, he hoped more and more that Lily and Sindo would find happiness in each other, and friendship, and strength, and hope. And after he released each memory, he sank deeper into Lorien's acceptance of him. By the early morning hours, he was exhausted, and asleep in her arms. But he was also free enough to think of Lily without tears or despair.
Lorien curled up beside the exhausted Noldo, and gently slipped into dreams, weaving hers with his, feeling safe for the first time since Lily had come. But Sindo sat awake for another hour, with Naurloth and Adaron waiting patiently beside him. As he reviewed Noldo's memories, owning them, imagining himself there, seeing Lily's eyes glowing and shining, and the sparkle in her hair and the blush on her cheek, Naurloth stirred beside him.
"What if she does not love you?"
Sindo smiled softly, and shrugged. "I don't know. But I'm not afraid of that. Time will tell, I suppose."
Naurloth did not have to pry in order to sense the softening and gentleness in Sindo; it was flooding out of him. Naurloth considered Sindo, a little concerned, but eventually decided that such tenderness would go a long way in winning Lily, and let it go. They waited beside their friend, as he drove Noldo's most tender and affectionate memories deeper and deeper into his own soul.
When Sindo finally curled up beside Noldo and Lorien and also fell asleep, Adaron put his cloak over Noldo and Lorien, and Naurloth put his cloak over Sindo, and the two elves wandered off in the starlight.
"Father, " began Naurloth, "I'm not sure why you wanted me to be present for that. Wasn't it rather personal, and a little too romantic for someone that's not married or betrothed?"
"Yes, Naurloth, it was. But I have a question for you. Once Sindo realised your talent for Osanwe, he spent a lot of time in your mind, didn't he?"
"Yes, Father, he did."
"And he has invited you into his mind, often. And you have enjoyed that."
"Yes. He is a good friend."
"Yes, he is, Naurloth. I am glad that you and he have developed a friendship. Now tell me: are you beginning to understand the difference between sharing thoughts and controlling them?"
Naurloth studied his father, and began to understand the lesson his father had immersed him in this evening. "The consequences of controlling thoughts are very difficult to anticipate, aren't they, Father?"
"They are, even when the control is exerted with the best of intentions. Futures, relationships, destinies hang in the balance. Tremendous damage can be done."
Naurloth knew the lesson would go deeper still, but he was glad of it.
"Naurloth."
"Yes, Father."
"Who will teach you to correct the improper Osanwe manners and customs that you have learned from Sindo?"
"Are his manners so very improper, Father?"
"They are terrible. He learned them from bonding almost completely for a year with a spoiled child. They have improved, but he needs much improvement still. So does she."
"Then I do not know, Father. Should I ask Alphaelin?"
"You should ask someone that you trust, that is skilled and mature. I would consider Alphaelin, except that I wonder whether Sindo may have pushed his own abilities further even than Alphaelin's experience. Perhaps Gildor would be your best choice. We will seek counsel when we return home, or if we reach Imladris."
"Thank you, Father. I had not considered this."
"There is yet more for you to consider, Naurloth. You have thought about Sindo's control of Noldo, and I trust that you will continue to ponder that and explore its ramifications. I want you to also think about the bond that formed between Lorien and Sindo, how it formed and why, what dangers were involved, and what the consequences were. And then consider, finally, the bond between Lorien and Noldo that formed the basis for their courtship. You begin already to understand the consequences involved there; follow them through to their possible conclusions in your mind."
Naurloth studied his father, a little overwhelmed. "Yes, Father."
Adaron nodded. It was a lot to think about even for him. If anyone had warned him that his family would be exposed to such disruptive influences from a family of halflings, he would have been highly skeptical.
But knowing what he knew now, he wouldn't have missed any of it. He wondered if anyone else would have uncovered Naurloth's talent in Osanwe at such a young age. He wanted to believe that somebody would have, but then, the truth was that so far nobody else had.
And now that it was discovered, Adaron wanted it developed wisely.
*******
The next morning, once the household was astir and breakfast had been eaten, Ned, Noldo, and Adaron went out hunting, and the other elves busied themselves in the smials or in the woods.
Sindo and Lorien rejoined Lily. Lorien began to tell Lily her own story. She made light of her once-forgotten elvish past, and began the story at the fire on the hillside above the Langwell, and across the mountains, and to the new home on the moor. And she told Lily honestly of her love for Noldo. She carefully and persistently revealed her heart to Lily, who wasn't sure at first that she wanted to hear it, but listened politely. Lorien told Lily in detail how she had pursued Noldo relentlessly for a year and made no progress.
"Nothing I could do or say swayed him away from you, even though we all believed that you and Ned were gone, " Lorien said, gazing at Lily. "His memories of you were like an anchor to him."
Lily wondered why Lorien was telling her this, and resented it a little. Obviously the anchor had not held.
It was at this point that Sindo broke into the story, and began telling Lily about thought-sharing. "The elves call it Osanwe, but we didn't know that. We just knew that we could be inside each other's minds. At first, as I learned and improved, Lorien and I spent entire days sharing thoughts without stopping. Later that stretched to weeks, both night and day. And then we simply bonded together. Basically, in the end we were together night and day for an entire year. We became almost inseparable, and the mere idea of being separated from her was terrifying to me. My father didn't know that at the time. Noldo began to suspect, a little, that we were too close for our own good; but he had no idea how extensive it was."
Lily wondered what this had to do with Noldo, and why Lorien and Sindo hadn't ended up together, but she was intrigued now, and listened in earnest.
Sindo told her about Noldo's aggravation with, and Sindo's love for, Lorien, and the conflict that arose between them.
"Finally Noldo learned thought-sharing too, in order to try and teach Lorien to call the elves. She didn't though. She just called Noldo, and me. She didn't remember what the elves were, or why she should be calling them. So she called Noldo. And he began to hear her. He resented her at first, and resisted her. For a long time, actually."
"A very long time, " mused Lorien.
"And then one afternoon, he gave in to her, and opened his mind to her briefly; but then he felt so guilty about it, and I got so jealous, that he fended her off again. On our father's orders, after that, the thought-sharing between either of us and Lorien was supposed to stop. I was ready to disobey that order. But Lorien, for Noldo's sake, obeyed it. And I was separated from her for the first time. The strain on me was terrible. It was torment. I would have given anything to be reunited with her."
Lily raised her eyebrow at Lorien, who nodded, and said, "I wept and wept. I was inconsolable."
"Shortly after that, by father's orders, we rode south, looking for a settlement of elves that could take Lorien off of our hands. We rode past Rivendell."
Lily had been to Rivendell, briefly. They had restored the use of her hands to her. "Did they help you?"
Sindo met her eyes, and suddenly came forward to kneel right in front of her. He was suddenly terrified that she would reject him for this, and his eyes pleaded for mercy as he spoke. "We rode right past. And Lily, there were two elves that tried to contact us as we were riding past. I kept Noldo from them, and I kept the elves from Noldo. I drove their thoughts away, because I didn't want elvish help; more importantly, I didn't want to lose Lorien. I wanted Noldo to marry Lorien so that she would be my sister and I could keep sharing thoughts with her. And I started trying to bend Noldo's thoughts in that direction."
Lily's eyes grew wide.
"Lily, I gave him no peace. I was manipulative and controlling. I treated him horribly. I tormented him. Lily, I am so sorry for what I did to him. He thought I was going mad, but I wasn't. I was just doing anything and everything that I could to avoid losing Lorien to the elves."
Lily studied him, saw the regret in his eyes, and waited.
"Part of bending Noldo's mind toward Lorien, " continued Sindo, fighting tears, "included reminding Noldo that you were dead." He held her eyes, struggling with his own shame. Lily gazed at him, wide-eyed, and did not know what to say. Sindo did not try to excuse himself.
"Another part of that, " Sindo continued, stammering, "included asking Noldo why he loved you, and--" He struggled to continue. "And telling Lorien what I learned. She listened."
Lorien spoke slowly. "Lily, I pursued Noldo with every advantage I could possibly find. And I used every piece of advice Sindo gave me. Even later, as I asked Noldo more about you, I studied everything that Noldo told me about you. I became as much like you as I could, Lily. "
Lily's head spun. This ethereal, enchanting elvish beauty had had to imitate her in order to win Noldo? Lily studied Lorien; as she looked into her eyes, she saw something she could not explain. Perhaps it was pity or compassion; perhaps it was respect. But she knew that Lorien did not have to tell her all of this, did not have to be spending the afternoon with her, did not have to admit that Lily had kept Noldo's heart for so long. She wondered what she would have done in Lorien's place, confused and fearful of being sent away, and hanging on to the hope that she could be accepted and made part of the only family she could remember knowing.
There was much that she did not understand. But although she felt hurt, she did not feel angry, not at Lorien. Was she angry at Sindo?
Lily studied Sindo. He had intentionally, deliberately distracted Noldo away from her, and done everything he could to give Noldo to Lorien. She felt betrayed, and he saw that in her eyes, and understood. But she also saw the remorse in his eyes, and suspected that he felt as bad, in his own way, as she did now. She pitied him; she knew what losses he had suffered; she had lost her parents too. She wondered how she would have felt if someone had threatened to take Ned away from her, and how fiercely she would have fought to keep him in any way that she could. But her pity for Sindo balanced against her own, far more painful loss of Noldo. Lily struggled, wanting to be kind, wanting to be generous, wanting to avoid bitterness. Sindo and Lily studied each other for quite some time, and then Lily dropped her eyes and thought for quite a while.
As the minutes wore on, if Lily had looked up, she would have seen Lorien watching Sindo, and Sindo's now dreamy eyes studying the softness of Lily's cheek, the one with the burn mark running downwards from the corner of her eye to her jaw. The red scar contrasted with the softer, rosy color of the cheek it framed, and with the glossy brown curls cascading past her gentle face. He was wondering what it would be like to brush his fingers through those glossy curls, and then, brush his lips ever so carefully and gently against that cheek.
She was so near. Suddenly he wondered if there was a possibility that she might not mind.
Lorien crisply tapped the edge of his thoughts. "Don't be absurd," she rebuked him sternly. "Of course she will mind. She's still grieving her loss of Noldo. "
She was absolutely right, of course. He sat back, blushing slightly. But that didn't mean he had to stop dreaming about that lovely cheek, or those shining brown curls. They traded glances, and Lorien tried not to smile.
That evening, in the twilight, if Noldo had dared to meet Lily's eyes he would have seen pity in her glance. But he did not. He did, however, notice Sindo's eyes lingering softly and tenderly on Lily.
Ned noticed too.
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The Fairy Wife