Despite the popular idea that we need to find the right man and then the marriage will be happy, the truth is, we're all under construction. Even if we do find a man that suits us pretty well, in three years he could change completely, while we're "not watching" (pun intended.) In order to grow, in order to become who God wants us to be, we all need prayer and the intervention of God. You and your husband are no exception.

In the early stages of a young marriage (like the first twenty years) husband and wife are both largely potential: loosely organized piles of building material. God is the master builder, but he needs his apprentices- us! -to invite him into each area of our lives and give him permission to put rooms together. It takes prayer and prayer, and some prayer too, for those piles of material to become sturdy structures.

God has a plan-- what each of us are to become, who we are to be. God has a plan for you. Your husband is no different-- God has a plan for him too.

Eph 1:3-12

Eph 2:10

10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

John 15:14-15

14 You are my friends if you do what I command.
15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

Because we are friends of God, if we are seeking to build the kingdom his way, He will show us how to pray. He will treat us as friends and make known to us the "Master's business."

Jeremiah 33:3 says, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Main text:

Prov 14:1

1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

(To Tear Someone Down: forget that you are loved by the King of Kings; be quarrelsome; be ill-tempered; consistently strive for the upper hand; speak mockingly; behave disgracefully.)

BUILDING UP

(To Build Someone: Be kindhearted. Be honest; gentle; peaceful. Enjoy quiet. Seek good. Speak less, listen more; draw out the deep things in someone else's heart. Be aware that what you say has the power of life and death. Be cautious in what you say; speak wisely; speak life and healing.)

BUILDING versus TEARING DOWN

Prov 24:3-4

3 By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established;
4 through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.

Prov 14:1

1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

A man, a husband, is something that you BUILD.

We are to build ourselves up:

Jude 1:20

20 But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit.

We are to build each other up:

1Thes 5:11

11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Rom 15:1-4

A MAN IS SOMETHING THAT YOU BUILD, not something that you should tear down.

2 Cor 10:8

8 For even if I boast somewhat freely about the authority the Lord gave us for building you up rather than pulling you down, I will not be ashamed of it.

2 Cor 13:10

10 This is why I write these things when I am absent, that when I come I may not have to be harsh in my use of authority-- the authority the Lord gave me for building you up, not for tearing you down.

Note that it's much easier to tear down.

Prov 14:1

1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

I believe that this applies less to your physical house than your "heritage" house: your "house is your family, and mostly the man in your house. "The house of Levi", "The house of Judah".

Anyone can vandalize-- but it takes someone with VISION, a PLAN, and SKILLS to build something.

Consider a Chair. To build one, you need a vision to know what you are building-- not a table, not a couch, a chair-- and you need plans-- the specific design; and then you need skill to build it.

"Men have delicate egos" --Charlotte N. Schell

No tongue-lashings. You want the man to like you, don't you?

Don't criticize, especially in front of other people. A wounded ego thrashes around a lot and causes lots of destruction. A scarred ego has fangs. Let God deal with the ego!

Don't talk behind their back.

Don't share intimate things. Resist the desire to gossip about your husband. There's a fine line between unloading your frustrations in a safe place so that YOU don't go crazy, and violating his sense of safety and sanctuary.

(With that in mind, choose your confindante (your "confessor") very carefully. The person you confide in should be someone who has vision for your husband, who, when you are at your wits end, will encourage you to see the best in him and have faith ("You know, you may not see it, but he REALLY DOES love you, and God will bring him around sooner or later") rather than someone who says, "Gee, what a jerk. I don't see how you can stand it." THAT kind of help you don't need.)

Don't fight about everything. Fight only about the things that matter in the light of eternity, or, in the light of your own sanity. Pick your battles very, very carefully.

Don't manipulate. Examine your heart; this is a very big one. Manipulation is playing God. Resist the temptation, and get help if you need it!

Don't idolize other men. Be grateful for the one you've got and decide to build him into who God wants him to be.

Don't lecture. Again, a fine line between explaining your viewpoint and inflicting it on him. Especially difficult if your man is oversensitive ( = frail ego), because he always will assume that you are lecturing if more than three words come out of your mouth.

It takes VISION, a PLAN, and SKILLS to build something. In this case, God is the master builder; you are his apprentice. God has done the design and will provide you with vision; he will also help you with your skills. Stay close to the Master! Listen carefully!

Seek God for a vision. Get the vision from God. Find out what GOD wants him to be, in terms of character especially, but ministry also.

Be very, very ready to throw away the vision that you currently have. It may be outdated or just plain wrong. "I believe God showed me that he's to be a pastor in El Paso".... caution... warning... you may be right, and then again, maybe NOT!! Incorrect "visions" are a terrible burden. Be willing to constantly adjust the details. You can always fall back on character development, which is what really matters anyway.

If you build your man into the man you want, you'll have a puppet. Build him into the man that God wants him to be. Study the scriptures to find out what that means. Study the words of Jesus, and the Pauline prayers.

Study the scriptures to see what he is SUPPOSED to be like. Remember, you are building him according to God's plan, not yours. Ask God which scriptures to focus on.

Some good possibilities:

Condition of the heart: receptivity to revelation. Start here. Until he knows that God truly and deeply loves him, the rest won't progress very fast or very well.

Ephesians 1:15 ff, 3:14 ff

Colossians 1:9 ff

Fruits of the Spirit Gal 5:22-23

beatitudes & the sermon on the mount: Matthew 5, 6, 7

Romans 12

Requirements for elders and deacons:

1 Timothy 3

Titus 2

anything dealing with godly character (proverbs, psalms...)

Also use material from the scriptures to pray about his spiritual growth in the application of the "disciplines"; again, be led by the Lord.

The Scriptures: know several good character passages and pray through them often-- for yourself as well as for him

Prayer-- only God can truly change a man. You get to participate by praying-- inviting God to implement his plan day by day.

The fruits of the Spirit: "use" them liberally!

Gal 5:22-23

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

23 gentleness and self-control.

Worship in your house. Invite God to permeate your home with his Holy Spirit, bringing his peace, joy, love, calmness, holiness, acceptance... make your house a home-- spiritually, for God, and then your husband will meet God there too.

Kindness: Be his friend. Tell him when he looks good, when he does good, when he's worked hard. Be appreciative. Brag to your friends-- and his-- about every good quality he displays. I'm very fond of saying, "Hey, good-looking!" as my husband walks up with a group of his friends. Brag about whatever he does well. Let your appreciation for him be known.

Support-- be a refuge. "A ship in a harbor is safe but that's not what ships are for." True. But a ship that never returns to a harbor becomes a ghost ship. Harbors are necessary. Be a safe harbor. The world is a nasty place. Be his refuge. Ultimately, you want him to develop his spiritual walk so that God is his refuge... be a step in that direction. "God is an EVEN BETTER refuge than my wife is."

Learn when to negotiate: for starters, NOT when he is hungry, tired or upset. That's asking for trouble. On the other hand, negotiating every time there's a moment of peace pretty much ruins the peace. Find a balance.

Express your opinion, and then give him room to make mistakes. You may know better-- often-- but let him do what he thinks is right in big things and little things. Realize that women are usually more sensitive than men, and pray that God increases his sensitivity.

Submission-- why? Because IT MAKES YOU PRAY!!! DESPERATELY!!! You submit to the husband, and then it's between him and God-- but oh by the way, you hit your knees howling desperately to God the moment you decided to submit. That is the wise method of submitting-- submission followed by desperate prayer. Submission just by itself (I've found) has limited practical value. Submission and fervent, desperate scriptural prayer has lots of value.

Remember that submission doesn't seal your lips, but WISDOM may. Express your opinion-- appropriately, gently, WISELY-- as needed. If you are feeling like a volcano, pray, ask God for wisdom, and timing, and how to resolve the issue.

Pray. Read the scriptures and pray through them. Pray, pray, pray.

Choose not to be a mocker; choose not to tear down your husband. Choose wisdom, healing, building. Be open to instruction, seek the Lord, and assist God obediently in his work. Work *with and for* God.

(NIV)