These are additional stories of my journey:

 

Onederland:

 

It seems as if I've been on the road to Onederland forever, at least to that as my next goal. I had a gain a few weeks back, & it seemed lately as if time & my weight were at a standstill. I kept right on keeping on & here I am. It was an lesson in patience, I think.  This morning I stepped on the scale at home at it read 200 even. Usually, it goes up 1-2 by the time I weigh at my early pm meeting, so I had resigned myself to the fact that I would have to wait another week. I stepped on the scale at the meeting, fully expecting perhaps 201 & the numbers read 199.2! I said to the leader: "Look at the number!!!". She grinned, knowing that this had been my next goal, and a major one at that. I contained myself though, as last night I had my bit of emotion. The scale had been hovering around 198 before today, so I thought I was a shoe-in for the goal. I went shopping last night for some new jeans. I took an 18 & a 16 into the dressing room & tried the 18's on first as I thought that size most likely to be what I would buy. They were just a bit lose, so I tried on the 16's, thinking I would probably not get these much above my thighs, & to my great surprise, they fit! (a little snug on the zip-up, but still wearable) I bought 2 pairs & then picked up a pair of 16 dress pants & bought these. I walked out of there on cloud nine, swinging my bag along & grinning as I walked past the large size ladies department. As I was driving home, waves of emotion hit me. It's hard to describe, but I know you know these emotions. There's a certain joy at the success of the milestones along this rocky path we all walk. It hit home that I am going to accomplish this dream of being slim & healthy. I'm getting so close. With originally 225 to lose, only having around 50 or so is just amazing to me. I almost started crying. (not like me)  My next bigger goal is to get to 175. When I do, I will have lost 200 lbs, & my company will pay be $100 for the second time. (they pay employees $100 when they lose 100 lbs) I will be the first ever to get $200. Also, when I get to 175, I will be on the last leg of my journey. It's so close. It's within reach now. My eyes swell a bit as I type this.    

Written on September 5th, 2002

Men!

 

A few months ago, I had a goal to weigh less than my husband. He weighed about 223 or so at that time. It took me several weeks to catch him, as he would lose a few pounds just right when I was about to surpass him. He was about 40-45 lbs overweight at that point, but he wasn't trying to lose weight, in fact, he would tell me that he was perfectly happy as he was. He would also tell me that he wasn't fat. I pressed him to ask his doctor that question point blank, to see if his doc agreed that he wasn't fat. Of course, his doc told him otherwise. He still said that he was fine as he was though. I finally surpassed him, & then started fighting my way to Onederland. (weighing less than 200 pounds)

Friday morning, he came in the bedroom as I was waking up & asked how much I weighed, which I thought was strange as I had just told him the day before. (WI day) I answered, & he then (with a big naughty grin) said: "I weigh less than you do!"  I bolted up out of bed & yelled: "What?!!!"  He then led me into the kitchen, where the scale is & hopped on. He was a little disappointed, however, when the scale read 197 rather than the 194 it had showed minutes before that. He stepped back on & it still read 197. Regardless, I was shocked! The last time I knew his weight, he was around 220. I hadn't noticed him doing anything special to lose weight, nor had I noticed the change in him until that moment. (Darn men anyway losing weight with little effort...lol)  So now, he's giving me a run for the money again! ARGH!  Oh well, I can at least know that at some point, he can no longer compete with me, as he will be at a good weight. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for him & happy that he changed his thinking about his weight. I'm quite pleased, in fact. I was just so shocked at the time. He was also kind enough not to tell me as I was closing in on Onederland because, unbeknownst to me, he was closing in as well. He thought if I knew, it could effect my outcome. NOT! That was really sweet of him though!

It's funny that this weight loss thing/new healthy behaviors have trickled into each family member. We have a water cooler now, & water is the choice drink for everyone. We recycle pop cans for the city by placing a grocery sack full out at the curb reach week, & that sack used to be full & overflowing. Last week the sack contained 5 cans! My younger son had gained quite a bit of weight after the disappearance of our oldest son last summer, & now he is lifting weights & exercising & losing the weight little by little. He has really bulked up, too. The change in the whole family is really neat to see.

Written on September 21st, 2002

 

A Tiny Little Object:

 

Today I had a NSV that I've been waiting for for a very, very long time. I sometimes wondered if it would ever happen. I was sitting at my desk at work when it happened. I was stunned & thought I might start to cry. Thankfully, my phone rang. I answered the call with a quivering voice & quickly recovered. (I do software tech support) I stared & stared at the object laying in the palm of my hand. It was my wedding ring. You see, it's been stuck, totally stuck, on my hand for close to 17 years! It's not that I wanted to remove it, but it was just in the fact that I couldn't remove it. (I'm sure it needs a good cleaning!) Over the last few Summers the ring stuck on my finger became almost frightening because when it was hot, my fingers would swell & that finger was quite red & angry. It hurt! I was too embarrassed to go somewhere & get it cut off, but I knew I might have to. In fact, there is a notch in the back of it, where, in desperation, I once tried to cut it off myself. That notch makes a good reminder of where I have been & where I do not want to be ever again!

 

Part II of the story:

 

There's a lady at work that works in the mailroom. I barely know her & rarely see her. When I do see her, sometimes she compliments me on my weight loss or asks how much I have lost. Today, I had to go to the mailroom to mail that black suit I was giving away. This lady took care of the shipping for me & proceeded to tell me about the first time she ever saw me, which was 2 1/2 years ago. She was subbing for the receptionist, who was out to lunch, & I came in to fill out my job application to work there. She told me that even though I was very heavy, that she thought I was a pretty woman. She also noted that I was breathing heavy. Now back then, I would walk only about 15' & be out of breath! After telling me this, the woman asked to see my hand. I'm sure I looked rather puzzled, & she then said: "Let me see your ring finger."  I held out my hand to show her & she explained that on that day she first met me, she saw that my finger was so swollen because of the ring being tight. She said she wanted to see that my finger was not swollen anymore. I had to stop & tell her what had happened just the day before. She got a little misty eyed & gave me a big hug!  I think I'm in the Twilight Zone!  :-)

Written on September 24th & 25th, 2002

 

On losing 200 pounds:

 

What is like to have lost 200 pounds?

Where do I begin? There's so much to be said about this, and yet, I don't know if any words exist that can completely describe what it is like.

In the story, "A Christmas Carol", Ebenezer Scrooge had forged chains from his selfishness and greed. The weight of those chains was slowly killing him. I, too, forged my own chains, but these chains were my excess weight. I forged these chains pound by pound, year after year, and like Scrooge, the
oppressive chains were sucking the life from me, body and soul. I wasn't visited by three spirits, but I now feel like Scrooge did upon awakening that Christmas morning.

First and foremost, I feel such great joy. Sometimes such that I want to break out in song or twirl in circles, arms outstretched, as I walk down the hallway of life. I've never felt more alive than I do now.

Sometimes, it's still hard to believe that I stand in this place. I know I'm not dreaming, but I'm tempted to pinch myself to be sure. I look into the mirror and see a stranger. I wonder if I close my eyes for a moment if, when I look again, I will see the 375 pound me, but it doesn't happen. When you've been that overweight for so many years, it takes time to adjust to what is now. I have not been slim since I was 18 years old. (I'm 42 now)

My journey has not been difficult. I've never felt deprived. I learned early on to enjoy the journey, and to relish each and every victory, whether it was scale related, or not. I was patient in waiting for the changes that I knew would come. These came, and kept coming, one right after another! Just as one inhales deeply of the scent of a beautiful rose, I inhaled and savored the daily successes along the way.

There is a purpose to everything in this life, although often we do not understand it. My Mother developed a serious heart condition close to five years ago. She had several surgeries, including open heart. The doctors said she had a 50% chance to live five years. After the last of her surgeries, she was recuperating at home. My Father took to sleeping in another room so that he would not accidentally bump her incisions. One night, she had gone to bed early. Later that night, my Father went to check on her because he thought he heard a noise in her room. There was no noise because my Mother's heart rate had kept getting slower & slower as she slept. Had my Father not gone to check on her, she would have died because her heart would have stopped not much longer after that point. I believe that God prompted him to check on my Mother, thus saving her life. On December 23rd of that year, he very unexpectedly suffered a massive heart attack and died. (this December 23 will be three years) When the call came, we thought that there was a mistake, in that it must be my Mother that died, not my Father. God had him live long enough to care for her after her surgeries, and then to save her life.

In the same way, I often wonder if the disappearance of my son was for a similar purpose. Had this not happened, I know I would still weigh 375 pounds, if not more. I'm sure that I had been heading for an early grave because of my excess weight and poor health. I would go back to the way I was in a heartbeat if I could have my son back, but that is not for me to choose.  Perhaps God willed that his absence would save my life, and paved the way for me to see what I can and must accomplish with my life. I share my story to help those trying to lose weight and embark on an exercise program, and I'm also trying to get a comprehensive law passed in our state to establish a missing person's clearinghouse for missing of all ages. I'm sure I would have never had the confidence or energy to do these things before.

I'm on the last leg of this weight loss journey now. I'm going to become the me that I was meant to be, the me I thought I could only dream about. I'm truly amazed at this every day. And, as I say on my website, I dare to dream!

Dreams can come true. Believe in yourself, and believe it can happen for you, and it will become your reality. It's becoming mine.                              

Written on December  20th, 2002