ACT I
Lights raised.
Two offices. Secretary sits at one desk with telephone, other end of stage is Mr. Twain at a desk. He is dressed in conservative looking clothing.
Secretary Alice
(Phone rings) Huntington Cove Consulting, how may I direct your call?… Hang on…(pushes
hold button) Mr. Twain, call on line 6.
Mr. Twain:
Line 6? We only have 2 phone lines Alice.
Alice:
Makes us look bigger, Mr. Twain. And Mr. Brooks is still on the line, and he isn’t
very happy….(singing to herself, but audible for audience) I smell trouble, I
smell trouble.
Mr. Twain:
Yeah…I know. I’m working on it. You don’t need to come here, I’m
handling it! No, don’t come…
(Lights out, a couple seconds later, lights up.)
Mr. Twain’s office. Mr. Twain is sitting at his desk. While 3 to 5 big suits are sitting in chairs not looking too happy.
Mr. Brooks:
It’s been all this time and instead of getting us closer to approval of Beach
City Project, you have now taken us backwards.
Mr. Suller:
How could you let them fire you as city manager? You told us the votes for the
project would be there! I thought you knew how much money was at stake! To just
let the council dismiss it as too businessy. Do they even know how the city
comes up with money for their lousy commie socialists programs?
Mrs. Jacobs:
Now that they’ve fired you as city manager before they approved the project,
what do you suppose you are going to do now?! We’ve already spent 3 million
dollars!
Mr. Brooks:
Everything from architectural fees, to public hearing forums, to feel good
programs about the good that will be done to the clouds in seed service! (Mr.
Twain gives a strange look because he doesn’t know what that means.) We even
had to do a stinking “environment impact study”. The whole plan is to wipe
out the beach environment to make cashola. Why do we have to pay for an “environmental
study” again?
Mr. Twain:
You’re right! Just because you want to trash the beach environment in a city
known for its Berkley movements, what could possibly make you think beach lovers
could have a problem with the project you want to erect?! For God’s sake,
listen to you guys! You have to think. You have to think things through….I’ll
think of something. I’ll think of something.
(Lights go out on Mr. Twain’s room, lights on Alice..)
Alice:
Thank you for calling, how may I help you?… Yes, we ordered that. Hold on
while I transfer you to line, uh, 8… line 12. (pushing buttons while Mr.
Brooks walks in) Thank you for calling, how may I help you? Hold on.
Mr. Brooks;
Line 12?
Alice:
Makes us seem bigger. Anyway, Mr. Brooks is waiting for you, go right on in.
(sides cont'd)
Lights out on Mr. Twain, lights on other side of stage.
Mr. Twain walks into his office. Alice is busy answering phones and doing paper work.
Mr. Twain:
Alice, what are you doing exactly?
Alice:
Trying to keep up with all this mess you’ve created!
Mr. Twain:
What are you talking about?
Alice:
I’m ready to quit, Mr. Twain. You don’t pay me enough for what I do. I’m
getting flooded with calls asking how much in fees you charge for being agents
to actors. Over 150 calls, and it’s not even lunch time yet!
Mr. Twain:
Calm down Alice! What are you saying?
Alice:
Since the story broke yesterday on how you just about got 4 regular actors
$80,000 a year in salary and how you would have gotten away with it had inside
people, who shall remain nameless, not ratted you out, actors from all over the
place are calling and asking if you would represent them. They just want a job.
They’re willing to do anything, (seductively) and I mean anything for work.
They think you’re creative and all this stuff. They’ve lost their minds!
Most willing to pay you a fee. Others wanting to give you 5 to 15% commission
off their gigs. It’s insane!
Mr. Twain:
How could this have happened?
Alice:
Mr. Twain, you put millions of dollars into t.v. commercials highlighting the
actors, who are now famous because of you. You’ve jump started John’s
singing carreer by making music videos. What do you expect? They’re actors.
They wanted to become stars, and you actually did this! I’m ready to quit. I
don’t get paid enough for this!
Phone rings.
Mr. Twain:
Huntington Cove,…. Talent Agency, how may I direct your call?…Uh huh, I
think we could help you with your dreams, for a small fee. Oh yes. Alice, I need
you to get more phone lines, for real. Take down names and numbers, tell them I’ll
call them back when I set up our fee schedule. Oh and, I’m raising your salary
by at least triple. Hurry! We’ve got money to make!
Alice:
Yes sir, yes sir!
(Lights out.)
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