Caney Coot's RULES OF LIFE

1. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

3. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

4. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

5. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

6. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

7. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

8. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

9. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

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The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given question:

Why did God make mothers?

1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used
bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?

1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he
get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO
to drugs and YES to chores.

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom
eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?

1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?

1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads
such a goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under
the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real
power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your
friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1.- About 30 years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes
moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom?

1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!