Disclaimers: I don’t own Mr. T or The Sopranos. The Sopranos and all its characters are the
property of HBO and David Chase. Mr. T,
the A-Team, and all its characters are the property of Stephen J. Cannell and
NBC.
This is a page pitting Mr. T against Christopher Moltisanti, the
character, NOT Michael Imperioli, the actor.
This in no way encourages violence of any kind, against ANYONE. It’s all make-believe, between make-believe
characters.
Now that that’s
out of the way, I now give you…
Mr. T
-vs-
Christopher Moltisanti
Them Mafia suckas gonna get
it now, foo!
One
fine day at the youth center…
Joey:
Whoa! I would LOVE to be in the
Mafia. It looks so cool.
T:
What are you talkin’ ‘bout, crazy foo?
Joey:
Like, if I was in the Mob, I could be cool like that Christopher Moltisanti.
As
T watches more, he sees…
Chris:
Remember, kids, to be cool, you have to join the Mafia, do drugs, beat up on
old ladies, have lots of premarital sex, and say f**k a lot, ESPECIALLY when
talking to your mother. Only sissies
drink milk and wear gold chains. Guys
in the Mob kick ass and get chicks.
Uh
oh! It isn’t long before Chris’s
message enters the ears of T’s kids…
T:
Say, little buddy, why aren’t you in school?
Kid
1: I wanted to be cool like Christopher, so I smoked some weed and
then I beat up an old lady and stole her dentures.
Kid
2: I cussed out my mom, then I robbed a convenience store. I was just trying to get in the Mob like
Chris.
T:
Why you crying, little girl?
Little Girl: <sob> Christopher Moltisanti stole my lunch
money. He said it was for “protection.”
Mr.
T has heard just about enough and decides that it’s time for action…
T:
That Moltisanti foo’s corruptin’ the minds of my youth center kids! I gotta get to New Jersey and teach him
what’s right for him!
Meanwhile,
somewhere in New Jersey…
Chris:
…and then the hit man says to the rabbi, “At least I didn’t shoot ya in the
foot!”
Tony:
Ha, ha, ha! That’s a good one, Chris.
Silvio:
Yeah! Now tell us the one about the
priest and the hooker.
Oh,
if Chris only knew what was about to happen to him…
T:
I hope you sayin’ your prayers, Chris, cause I’m-a comin’, and my van is fast,
foo! I’ll be there in five minutes!
Meanwhile…
Chris:
Hey Tony, I found a new front for “this thing of ours,” not to mention a new
source of manpower for distributing our product*. Youth Centers!
*Drugs!
Tony:
What the… are you f**king crazy!? Youth
centers!? That’s Mr. T’s turf! You better get the f**k outta there before
he throws your ass!
I
hope Chris got far, far away, because Mr. T arrives just moments later…
CRASH!!!
T:
A’right, foo, where’s dat Christopher Moltisanti sucka? He been messin’ wit’ my youth centers, and
I’m about to highlight his head black and blue!
Tony:
Sure, sure, Mr. T, I’ll tell ya. Just
don’t hurt me. Chris is at the club
with his girlfriend, right Carm?
Carmela:
Yeah, whatever. Where’s Furio?
Meanwhile,
at the club…
Chris:
Man, ever since I got those youth center kids to deal my drugs, I’ve had more
time be cruel to animals and have premarital sex. I even vandalized a church and kicked a nun in the teeth today!
Adriana:
Oooo, Chris. You’re so sexy when you’re
bad.
What
Chris doesn’t know is that Deborah (the girl on the right) is one of Mr. T’s
informants…
Deborah:
Mr. T, Chris is in the club’s back room with Adriana. He’s bragging about how he’s got your kids dealing his drugs so
he can do more bad deeds.
T:
Thanks, Deb. Now excuse me while I go
rain the pain on that sucka.
Just
seconds later…
CRASH!!!
Chris:
Oh s**t, it’s Mr. T!
T:
Darn right it’s me, foo! You messed
with my youth center kids for the last time, sucka! Now you gonna get thrown!
Chris:
Oh yeah? Well guess what? After I kick your ass up and down the block,
me and Adriana are gonna go have sex.
And we’re gonna film it and put it on the Internet so all the kids can
watch. Right, Adriana?
Adriana:
Speak for yourself, Chris. I’m leaving
you for Mr. T. He’s helluva tougher
than you, and helluva sexier.
Adriana:
Nice knowin’ ya, Chris. Hope it doesn’t
hurt too much when T throws your ass.
Chris:
That does it, T! I just lost my girl to
you and all your do-gooding crap! As
soon as I finish my joint I’m gonna pulverize you!
Oh
no! Poor little Chrissie is mad. What’s T gonna do now…
T:
I’m in a good mood today, so I’ll give you 10 seconds to run before I throw ya.
Ohhh,
Chris should’ve taken T up on that offer, because within seconds…
T:
Hope you like Jupiter, sucka, ‘cause that’s where you goin’, courtesy of Space
Shuttle T!
Chris:
Whoahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!…
Wow,
even Furio, who’s in Italy right now, saw that…
Furio: Maledizione! Quel helluva sicuro del tiro della latta del
sig. T lontano!*
*Translation:
Damn! That Mr. T sure can throw helluva
far!
Now that Chris
is thrown, it’s time for Mr. T to set the kids straight…
T: So, kids,
what have we learned today?
Kid 1: Don’t do
drugs, don’t have premarital sex, don’t swear, and love your momma.
T: Right. And what else?
Kid 2: The Mafia is
for suckas.
Even Chris,
who’s still orbiting Jupiter, learned a little something today…
Chris: That Mr. T
is helluva tough.
Meanwhile…
T: Ahhh, now
that that Chris sucka’s been thrown and my kids are back to normal, time to
celebrate with a cool glass of milk.
T:
Zzzzzzzzz…
THE END
So? Like it?
Hate it? Have suggestions for me
that might improve it? Then e-mail me, foo!
Links to where I got most of
the stuff for “this thing of mine”:
www.the-sopranos.com and www.sopranoland.com: Where I got my Sopranos pics.
http://members.tripod.com/helluvatough/mr_t_hodge_podge.html:
Where I got most of my T pics.
http://www.fortunecity.com/olympia/ronaldo/429/atpics.html:
Got a pic of T from this one.
http://babelfish.altavista.com:
Where I got the translation for Furio’s quote! J
www.altavista.com/image/default:
Where I got the Jupiter pics.
If I left anyone out, then e-mail me at the above link and I’ll include a link to your site.