MOOSE AND THE WIDOW TUBB

"Son, have you seen your cousin Moose Clagwell recently?" Paw asked.

"No sir, was I supposed to?" I watched in admiration as Paw peeled an apple with his watch fob knife. My Daddy was the only person I knew who could peel an apple in one continuous peel from beginning to end. Sometimes, when he finished, the peel was as long as a full-grown snake.

"No, you weren't supposed to. I just thought you might have seen him and wondered about his broken leg." Paw knew that would arouse my curiosity. Moose Clagwell, when he wasn't working as the Conductor on Number 16, the NR&P's overnight mail train, was the part-time coach of our junior high school baseball team.

'How'd he break his leg, Paw?" The way Daddy had introduced the subject made it quite clear that there was a story about Moose's medical problem and that Paw wanted to tell it to me.

"They're claiming that a little bird broke it.  At least that's what I heard."  Even as he said the words Daddy couldn't help chuckling. "Do you want to hear what else they're saying about it?"

Try as I might I could not imagine how any kind of bird could break big old Moose Clagwell's leg. Moose must weigh 300 pounds and he stands well over six feet tall.  Even the biggest dang bird in the world couldn't break a leg the size of the one on Moose Clagwell. Naturally I was quick to say that I wanted the whole story.

Paw began to cut thin slices off the apple and he handed one to me. "Well, it seems that Moose had the duty on #16 last Tuesday night. The train was scheduled to leave Sun City at 7:50 p.m. and Moose was responsible to get it on the road on time. Tuesday evening is choir practice, and Moose sings bass in the choir. They were singing away when one of the baritones, it was probably Stanley Queeg, asked Moose how come he had the evening off. Moose suddenly remembered what day it was. He looked at his watch and realized that there was not enough time to go home and change into his conductor's uniform and get to the train in time to meet the schedule. Frantically he ran out the church, jumped into his Model A and raced back to his house.  He grabbed his uniform off the bed where he had laid it out that morning and ran back to the car.  In five minutes he was at the train station and jumped aboard the baggage car just in the nick of time to give the signal to start the train. Luckily, no one had seen that he was not in his conductor's uniform.  As the train pulled out of the station, Moose began to remove his civilian clothing so he could put on his uniform. He assumed that since he was all by himself in the baggage car, it was safe to undress. Just as he stepped out of his long johns there was a loud whistle and a female voice said, "HI, BIG BOY!"

Daddy began to giggle again. "Well, you know how shy Moose is around women."

"Sure, every body knows that, but what happened then? Who was the woman?  How'd she get in the baggage car?"  I couldn't stop asking questions.

"Hush and I'll tell you the rest of it."  Paw unsuccessfully struggled to get rid of the big grin on his face.

"When he heard that voice, Moose was standing there in his birthday suit with his BVD's around his ankles.  He tried to jerk up his drawers and that's when he lost his balance. The train suddenly gave a lurch and Moose fell against the door.  Unfortunately for him, he had not secured the door when he jumped on the train. The door slid open and out tumbled Moose top hat over teakettle. Fortunately, the train was not moving fast so he was not seriously injured. In fact, except for a bump on his head, all he had were some bruises.  But the bump on his head was enough to temporarily stun him. So there he lay, naked as a jay bird and face down in the grass in what turned out to be the Widow Wanda Tubb's front yard." Daddy lost control again. He began to laugh so hard his eyes watered. Then his nose started to run so he had to go in the house for a drink of water and a handkerchief.

When he came back out on the porch again he brought us both a slice of mother's cross hatch peach pie. I was much too interested in the story to eat. "What happened then, Paw? Who was that woman on the train? When did Moose break his leg?"

"Hold on, I'll tell you the whole thing.  We haven't got to the good part yet."  He deliberately bit off the pointy end of the pie. When he had finished chewing it a zillion times, he started the story again. "Well, there's old Moose in the grass, and not quite back to his senses yet. Up to the house comes Widow Tubb on her way home from choir practice and what does she see but a naked man face down in her front yard." Daddy was in danger of giggling again. "I don't need to tell you that the Widow Tubb is a woman of mighty firm convictions and fast action. She had her hymnbook in one hand and her umbrella in the other.  She was not about to allow some drunken oaf to sleep in her yard, especially an oaf in his birthday suit.  So, she began to yell at the top of her voice and at the same time she began to pummel the semi-conscious nude man with her hymnbook and poke him with her umbrella. With all that fuss Moose came back to full awareness in a hurry. He recognized the Widow Tubb's voice and with awful certainty he knew where he must be lying.  The only thing he didn't know was how to get out of that horrible mess. Finally the pain of the hymnbook blows and the umbrella stabs overcame any remaining shreds of modesty. Moose leaped to his feet and headed for the front gate and freedom. The Widow Tubb was hot on his heels. She had recognized him now and she was even more outraged than before. "Moose Clagwell, you're a dirty old man", she shouted, "You sing in the choir just so you can take advantage of poor widow ladies like me!" She whacked him again with the umbrella. For all his weight and size Moose was a pretty good runner and he finally began to pull away from the Widow Tubb. Just as he began to believe that his situation would improve he turned his head to see how much of a lead he had. This was one big mistake, for there, lying in the middle of the road, was that worthless old hound dog Clancy. You know him.  That dog that will not move out of the road for anybody or any thing.  Moose turned his head to the front again just in time to see Clancy, but not in time to keep from falling over him.  When he fell the Widow Tubb couldn't stop either and she fell on top of Moose and the dog.  The Widow Tubb is a lady of substantial girth and it was in that avalanche that Moose's leg got broke.  Well, to make a long story short, as soon as the Widow Tubb got herself untangled from Moose and the dog she ran home and called the police. The police called an ambulance. The ambulance guys finally came and covered Moose up with a blanket. They took him to the hospital and, when everybody stopped laughing, Moose got his leg fixed.  The Widow Tubb finally agreed not to prosecute but she said she would never stand in front of that nasty man in the choir again. She said she was convinced that he is some sort of dangerous pervert. The NR&P Railroad said that when Moose gets well he can have his job back with no loss of seniority if he promises never to dress for work in the baggage car again. So, I guess that's the whole story."

"No it isn't, Paw! You haven't told me who was that woman in the baggage car.  The one that started all this when she whistled and said 'Hi, Big Boy!' and scared poor old Moose out the door."

"Oh yes, well, it seems it wasn't actually a woman.  The railroad finally figured out that it was a big old green parrot that a pet shop was shipping by rail to California. The parrot only knew three words. It was just an unfortunate bit of timing that it picked that precise moment to use them.  Paw lit his pipe and got a big grin on his face. "So it seems pretty clear to me that little bird is the one that actually broke Moose's leg. I can't think of anybody else to blame, can you?"

There is a postscript to this story.  It seems that, with the passage of the years, the Widow Tubb has had second thoughts about the events of that fateful evening. It would also seem that Moose, now that his leg finally healed and stopped hurting, has also rethought the whole traumatic experience. Of course, being loyal members of the church choir, Moose and the Widow Tubb can not avoid seeing each other at least twice a week. Moose is still shy and the Widow Tubb is still firm and aggressive but rumor has it that they have found occasion to meet more often than is strictly necessary to carry out their duties as church musicians. One of my friends, Freddy Adkins, swears that he heard the Widow Tubb mutter, "Hi, Big Boy", when she passed Moose outside the ABC Drugstore last Thursday. But, everybody knows Freddy is a big liar.