horny pilot
A jet was starting its descent into San Diego and the pilot didn't realize the P.A. system was on.
"As soon as we land" he said, "I'm going to take a big crap and then I'm going to screw that blonde flight attendant." The horrified flight attendant made a mad dash toward the cockpit, but tripped and fell in the aisle.
A little old lady sitting there quipped, "There's no need to be in such a hurry dear, he said he was going to take a big crap first."
buying a rifle for your husband
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I am going to shoot him!"
Freudian slip
Two friends are talking over a beer after work. "I had one of those Freudian slips the other day. I was talking to this cute woman at the ticket counter. What I meant to say was I need two tickets to Pittsburg. But what came out was... I need two pickets to tittsburg."
The other says "I had a similar experience at breakfast the breakfast table the other morning with my wife. What I meant to say was honey, please pass the creme. But what came out was... God damn it bitch, YOU'RE FUCKING UP MY LIFE!"
poor Duke
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner in their home. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room, leaving him with the father and their dog Duke. Duke was sitting underneath the boy's chair. At one point the boy really had to fart. So he stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"Oh great, it worked" the boy thought. "He thinks its the dog!" So he let another one ease out.
"Damn it Duke!" the father shouted. The boy thought he was home free so he let go with a crescendo that would stop a clock!
"Duke! Get the hell out of there before little son-of-a-bitch kills you!"
rodeo position
Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, she gets down on all fours and you mount her from behind. You reach around and firmly cup her breasts. Then you call her by her sister's name and try to hang on for 8 seconds!"
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were out camping one night. After pitching the tent and rolling out the sleeping bags, they decide to turn in. In the middle of the night, Holmes violently shakes Watson awake. "Watson," he says, "look at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see the stars." replies Watson.
"Yes, and what does that tell you?"
Watson takes a big breath "Astronomically speaking, it means that we are insignificant among the spectrum of the universe, psychologically speaking that we are only creating a dent in the infinite mystery of life, and theologically speaking that God rules all things. How about you, sir?"
"What it tells me is that someone has stolen our tent."
survival man
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant velocity. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same velocity as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you, as survival man, do to safely get out of this rather dangerous situation?
Well????
Answer: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round