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Orchid Culture FAQ
This FAQ has been generated with *humor* in mind. If you have had
this sense removed (i.e., your sense of humor), skip over it and go to the
end, where there are some links to *actual* information.
It's probably going to offend you at least once or twice, so
don't read it if you're politically correct, prone to griping, or easily
offended. Of course, the three seem to go together anyway.
HOW DO I BUY ORCHIDS?
Nobody "buys" orchids anymore; everyone who owns them has what some
other person has dumped on them. With the increasing number of orchids being
farmed by major "agri-business" companies, there has to be a place to dump all
of these plants, which is either the local hardware store, or to some poor
florist, who then delivers them to someone that cannot take care of dandelions,
much less an orchid.
Inevitably, someone "at the office" or "around town" understands that
you raise orchids. They shall bring you a plant, dessicated, dying, and
probably showing distinct signs of infection and infestation from no fewer
than three individual maladies, and remark how it's been getting increasingly
flaccid, despite how they have been watering it "every day."
Smile, nod, and accept the plant; it will make little difference.
Perhaps, if you are one of those orchid growers that _likes_ a challenge,
it shall bloom one day. The plant will, inevitably, bloom and perish as a
result, a tragedy of genetic proportions where it has determined that, no-
it _didn't_ have enough energy to bloom after all, and expire in a less-
than-spectacular fashion.
There is the occasional exception; these plants will turn around
almost immediately. They will grow into immense bench-hogs, and either never
bloom, or turn out to be a prolific bloomer that possesses the most anemic of
flowering spikes you have ever seen.
I JUST BOUGHT AN ORCHID; IT'S GREEN AND HAS ROOTS AND HAS A TAG ON
IT THAT SAYS 'FNORKER'S ORCHIDS'. WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?
Your description is so thorough, I decided to pull the cultural
sheet for this plant. Here it is:
Water: Do NOT water this plant. Water has been implicated in most
every single instance of rot and bacterial infection in orchids. As a
result, most orchid growers recommend withholding ALL water in ALL cases.
Repotting: Repot any time of the year. Dirt is fine. Clay is
acceptable. Do NOT use modeling clay!
Light: If the leaves are dark, give it more light. Put it in a
windowsill where it gets full sun. If the leaves are light, it needs more
dark. Put it in the closet, which will simulate the dark, smelly jungle
floor, where all the "other" orchids grow. You might care to add some old
gym socks, just to bring out the "jungle smell" that these plants enjoy so
much.
Air circulation: Many growers recommend high air circulation around
their plants. This is because high air circulation spreads airborne diseases
with orchids, which ends up killing them. As a result, you have to buy more
orchids, thus supporting your dealer's habit. Under NO circumstances should
orchids have high air circulation. They might get drafty, catch a cold and die.
Temperature: Orchids like it hot, like the jungle. You MUST keep
your apartment like the jungle, or they will die. Anything below 95F is
fatal, often within hours. Orchids must be shipped with lots of styrofoam
(peanuts are okay) to insulate them. Many commercial shippers put heaters
in with their plants when they ship them.
HOW DO I PROPAGATE MY ORCHID?
Phalaenopsis are simple: just cut them in two with a sharp knife.
Dendrobiums are more difficult: the canes must be chopped into tiny (1/2")
slices, then put onto nutrient agar (Jell-O can be substituted; under NO
circumstances should "lime"-flavored Jell-O be used!). Cattleyas can not
be propagated in ANY manner; in fact, they are becoming exceedingly rare
in the wild, and should not be purchased at all. Most of the plants in the
wild were around when Mastadons roamed the earth; think about this before
buying one next time.
Vandas can be propagated from leaf cuttings, rooted in water.
MY ORCHID LOOKS DRY; WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Water it. Duh!!
MY ORCHID IS ROTTING: WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Dry it out. What, I need to tell you *every* little thing?!
MY ORCHID LOOKS LIKE IT IS SICK; WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH IT?
1) Spray with Physan. Physan will fix anything. "Spray and pray" is
not just a tactic used in Vietnam!
2) Compost it, 'cos it's going to die.
Little known fact: no orchid that has ever
gotten sick has ever lived to flower again!
I GOT THIS PLANT, IT HAS HALF A LABEL, BUT IT'S ONLY THE BOTTOM
HALF; IT READS, "oomeron 'Pink'". SOME OF THE LEAVES HAVE STARTED TO
TURN YELLOW, AND IT'S WILTING AND STUFF. WHAT CAN I DO?
Put it on a bench in your greenhouse closest to the door. Or, I
should say, closest to _wherever_ you put the trash can- I put mine next
to the door. This will make it easier to throw out when it dies.
HOW OFTEN DO I FERTILIZE MY ORCHIDS?
Every time you water, add 1-1/2 times what the label suggests (2 times
what the label suggests if they are growing _real_ slow, to help perk them
up). All orchids like fertilizer, and will do better, the more you give them.
ALWAYS fertilize sick plants.
HOW DO I MAKE IT FLOWER AGAIN?
All orchids are annuals. They flower once, then die.
WHERE ARE SOME DEALERS IN MY AREA?
There are no dealers in your area; all orchids are imported straight
from the jungle. They are ripped off trees and smuggled into the country
along with cocaine and bales of marijuana. This is why they are so expensive.
WHERE DO I FIND MORE INFORMATION ON ORCHIDS?
All the information that has been written on orchids is wrong. The
reason is actually very simple.
If your orchids were to live, they would grow large enough to
reproduce. If this were the case, orchid re-sellers (reads: illicit import
agents, or smugglers) would go out of business. Thus, the legitimate orchid
publication market has been squashed.
Today, although it is not as obvious as it used to be, instructions
on how to raise orchids are contrived so as to _kill_ these poor plants.
Old instructions ("It is vitally important to add half the contents of a
box of Morton cooking salt to each gallon of water put on your plants") were
easy to see though; todays instructions are much more subtle (See section on
application of fungicides that have were accidentally contaminated with
herbicides right from the factory).
It's a plot, and would-be orchid growers are caught in the middle.
HOW EASY ARE ORCHIDS TO GROW?
It has been recorded in the literature that, if you stand still long
enough in the jungle, orchids will start to grow on you naturally, often in as
little as 18 minutes (Dinger and Venn, 1989). However, this requires "typical"
jungle conditions (400% humidity at 180+ degrees fahrenheit; Houston in the
summer is the closest approximation outside of +/- 10 degrees latitude of
the equator).
Obviously, the home environment is completely paradoxical to these
requirements; you shall have to make some amendments if you wish to grow
orchids inside.
1) No pets. If you have any cats, they must be removed fromt the house.
Orchids are allergic to cats. Some dogs are okay, others are not, but it's
just as well to remove them all, in case the orchids don't enjoy a different
kind of bark.
2) Paint ALL your walls white to reflect as much light as possible.
Wrapping your pots in tinfoil to reflect even more is desriable, but not
required.
** Personal to Dave McAllister: if you are still receiving those
messages from the space aliens, it is suggested you put ANOTHER layer of
tinfoil inside of your hat; sometimes three is not enough.
3) Build a greenhouse. Ultimately, you will end up with one of these
anyhow, so you might as well save a step and start building it now.
WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BUILD AN ORCHID GREENHOUSE?
So; you've decided to build an orchid greenhouse.
The first thing you should do is see a doctor. More specifically, a
psychiatrist. Psychological imbalance clearly runs in your family history
if you are considering constructing a greenhouse. In any event, after you
escape/are released/graduate, here are some general rules.
1) The greenhouse MUST be exactly 14 x 82 x 9.375. Unfortunately,
it is unclear if these are English or metric measurements. You may need
to build several to determine which combination works best.
2) The greenhouse should be constructed out of one of the heavy,
special insulating plastics, unless you have a neighbor kid who is learning
to play baseball. In this event, you should construct it out of glass.
Recall that "satisfaction is stagnation," and this combination (glass houses
and stone-throwers) should lead to a fairly exciting lifestyle.
3) Number three has been retracted by the International Greenhouse
Development Council, as it has been known to cause greenhouses to burn down.
4) It must be heated with coal.
Once you have the greenhouse constructed, you must put in very large,
extremely heavy benches. Place them closely together such that it is well nigh
impossible to move between them without knocking over two Catasetums, three
Cattleyas, and one or two Coryanthes. IMPORTANT: Any plants you knock over
MUST start with the letter "C".
After you move the plants in, be sure to spray. Spray hard, and spray
often. Double the dosage of any pesticides that you use, as it is well noted
in the literature that the rules governing pesticides are way too wimpy.
Indeed, they have now found 5 species of mite that are addicted to Kelthane,
and no fewer than 4 species of mealy bug that require Malathion as part of
their metabolism (Bloom, Portnoy and Breathed, 1991). Use DDT if you still
have it; the bald eagles are out of danger now, and nobody minds if you
use non-biodegradable pesticides. Honest.
When possible, contrive the most toxic possible brew with which
you can spray on your plants, be it Formula 409, dishwashing soap, hot
peppers and onions, whatever you have around the house- throw it all together
and hose your plants down with it. Ignore the EPA; they don't care if you
put stuff on your plants that isn't labeled for it.
Another favorite is to soak tobacco products in water and hose
down your plants with that, since actually *buying* nicotine sulphate solution
is such a hassle. It's best to ignore people who claim that this spreads
plant viruses from tobacco, as this serves as a "control", helping infect
old hybirds with viruses so these antique hybrids become outdated and
unavailable.
Recycle water by letting plants drip on the plants on the bench below
them. Don't worry about viruses; they are hardly almost never transmitted by
contaminated water from this route.
Never open your greenhouse vents. Recall that orchids require
conditions like the inside of the local YMCA men's room, and can't take
anything less than 248% humidity (non-condensing).
If you have any plants that get sick, don't throw them out. If they are
virused, simply set them aside, and tell all of your friends, "That one is
virused, but it's too valuable to discard." Ignore them if they ask what it is,
since you lost the label to it 14 years ago.
Some people advocate the use of GFIs (Ground Fault Interruptors) in
their greenhouses, arguing that these will cut off the electricity if they
detect any "leakage" of voltage to the ground. This is pure nonsense; only
fluids can leak. It is much easier to hire a young neighborhood boy to stand
by with a fire axe, ready to cut the main power line to your greenhouse if you
should get electrocuted. Pay him well; pay him better if he knows CPR.
A note from Roger L. Sieloff on current issues:
Here's a suggestion. The next time you sence a current leak
in the greenhouse have that kid with the baseball bat ("sluggo")
come over and stick his finger in an open socket in the fusebox.
It worked for the little Dutch boy and it can work for you!
Granted, he might eventually develop into a drawling, slobbering idiot,
but this will doubtlessly be a real career boost in his future in
professional baseball....
HOW DO I GROW ORCHIDS UNDER LIGHTS?
All orchids need light, except for the ones in the closet. Growing
them with light is an excellent idea.
NO, YOU STUPID IGNORAMUS; I MEAN WHAT ABOUT FLUORESCENT LIGHTS?
Growing orchids under fluorescent lights is an excellent way to help
pay the college tuition for your neighbors who work for the local electric
co-op.
If you insist, here is what you must do.
1) Purchase lots of lights. Get the least efficient ones possible.
2) Inform the DEA that no, you're going to be growing orchids, not
dope. When they inform you that they found your name on the mailing list
of some company that supplies hydroponics and light displays, don't even
blink; this is considered "incriminating evidence" in certain circles.
3) Put all of your orchids under these lights. Tweak them up and down
every day, thinking, "Too much light... not enough light... too much light...
not enough light..."
4) Wonder why all of your orchids are getting cripsy; buy lots of
fans to keep them cool.
5) Wait several years for the orchids to get the swing of the new light
regimens. Be disappointed at the results.
6) Sell light displays, keep the orchids. Notice how your electric
bill plummets.
WHAT TYPES OF ORCHID GROWERS ARE THERE?
Typically, there is only one type of orchid grower: broke. There
are several subsections, some of which may seem paradoxical to this stereotype,
a complete list of which may be found below.
1) Clueless.
This orchid novice has picked up his first plant at a lumber yard
in the same way that some hardware stores purvey prophylactics. That is
to say, nobody really knows *why* they sell them there, but they do.
Typically, the plant will look like it has been put through a
spin cycle, then a dryer on 'fluff' for 15 minutes. It will be dry, the
flowering spike ragged and traumatized, but will have some kind of label that
reads "ORCHID" on it.
These are the plants that have been deported from Hawaii in large
container ships, often packed in large crates full of pineapples, which
explains the trauma (next time you see one on sale, give them a good sniff;
they might still smell like pineapples!). They are the rejects of the orchid
world, and end up in hardware stores, preying on poor, unwitting shoppers
(this is one of the reasons that many people regard orchids to be parasites:
they _are_ parasitic- on YOU).
Profile: thinks orchids are "next to impossible" to grow. Thinks he
has purchased a "real orchid" at the hardware store.
Determining question: "What is the hybrid name?"
Determining answer: "Hybrid?"
Up side: potential up-and-coming orchid addicts.
Down side: annoyingly modest newbies.
2) Established growers
This grower has achieved the phase where they have decided they are
going to grow orchids. They are involved in growing several genera, probably
Cattleya, Phalaenopsis, Dendrobium and maybe a Vanda or two. They are
finally getting a handle on the basics of orchid cultivation. They either
have a greenhouse with a lot of plants and a few orchids, or a windowsill
that will soon become obsolete.
They have stopped asking questions like, "How often should I water
my orchid?" and started asking, "How much does this one cost?"
Profile: is starting to feel comfortable with orchids. Thinks orchids
are "not all that hard to grow." Has lots of plants that will grow like all
hell right now, but will be difficult to dispose of once they become bench-
hogs that aren't all that appealing in 5 years, about the time they discover
what they do and don't like.
Determining question: "Are you considering building a greenhouse?"
Determining answer: "Yes. How did you know?"
Up side: up-and-coming orchid consumers.
Down side: are terminally perky at orchid meetings.
3) Orchid professionals
It's difficult to decide what makes an "orchid professional,"
but there are several types.
3a) Technical
Technical orchid professionals can be recognized by the way they
feel they need to make a computer file for their orchids. This file will
consume at least 18 kb for each plant, even if they just bought it, and
commonly form complete databases around their collection. These files
contain everything from when they were last repotted to how much water
they received in 1993. Thinks .gif and .jpg files of their orchids are
"much better" than photographs.
These growers will have computer controlled greenhouses, fluorescent
light displays, and complete, detailed records on all of these.
Profile: believe they have found the most scientific way in which
they can grow their plants. Thinks orchids are "not that hard to grow, once
you get down the basics." Doesn't think highly of Micro$oft, but still
uses their programs.
Determining question: "What program should I use to keep track of my
collection?"
Determining answer: "What platform are you using?"
Up side: keeps the electric company in busness.
Down side: about as exciting to speak with as a sack of pine mulch
when they start discussing the database they built for their Cochleanthes
collection.
3b) Established professional
Established professionals are the kind of people that can tell
you to a tenth of an inch the annual rainfall (per month) that a particularly
obscure species of Dendrobium receives each year in the wild. Plants that
nobody else can ever bloom form multiple pods each year for them. Nothing
is "impossible" for them to grow, and if you tell them this, they adamantly
insist they never heard such a statement before. What is beyond esoterica
to _you_ will be trite to them.
These are the people in the orchid society that bring in specimens of
Paphiopedilum in a pot the size of a bushel basket with a lump of Paphs
in an impossibly natural configuration, each of which is in flower with a
spike of identical length, and the flowers are pointing the same direction
without any wires. "It won a CCM/AOS last year, when it was better," they
will claim, dismissing any praise with false modesty.
They commonly grow plants that nobody else considers pretty, but
somehow manage to blow away everyone else when they do flower.
Profile: retired. Distressingly adept at growing orchids. Stuffy. Can
grow anything, partly as the result of killing more orchids than you'll
ever have. NOTE: they will never admit to this fact.
Determining question: "How many awards this year?"
Determining answer: "<insert number here>; it's been slow."
Up side: invaluable font of orchidaceous knowledge.
Down side: makes you depressed when you go home to your own collection.
3c) Propagation professional
These are the members of your society that have mastered propagation.
They have their own laminar flow hood and an entire room in their house
that they are able to hose down with bleach. They consume babyfood bottles
and mason jars like they have 12 kids and a canning business on the side.
They use a pressure cooker in August.
Most prop pros also dabble in stem props and meristems. They will
cheerily turn out 100 plantlets of most anything you want- for a price.
Profile: one of the few members of your local society that knows
what they are talking about.
Determining question: "Time and pressure?"
Determining answer: "15 at 15." (NB: they won't ask what you
mean; they'll just express it automatically)
Up side: have hundreds of whatever plants they happen to have
on sale at the time.
Down side: smell of bleach.
3d) Orchid society editor
Although not strictly an "orchid professional," this is the only
member of your orchid society that has held the most positions and also
happens to know how to use a typewriter or a word processor.
They're grumpy, never available, and have a terminal scowl on their
face. It's hard to tell if they're really grumpy, or just pretending so you
won't bug them so much. They probably know more about orchids than anyone else
in the society, and like to write about it, but they eventually reach the
stage where they have to start putting recipies in their paper to bulk it up.
Profile: love orchids, but either volunteer too much or they weren't
at the meeting where they got "nominated."
Determining question: "Can I contribute something to the newsletter?"
Determining answer: "PLEASE!"
Up side: know everything.
Down side: think what they know applies to everyone.
3e) Commercial growers
These are the predators in the orchidaceous predator-prey relationship.
They are always happy to help with orchid cultivation questions, but their
advice should be viewed with skepticism: as their business is to sell more
plants, this is like getting advice on how often to change your oil from
BigOil, Inc.
Commercial growers either came into the business by getting addicted,
and then dealing to support their "little habit," or were born into it.
The former has some level of compassion for the small grower.
The latter has no clue what you mean when you ask about "windowsill culture."
Profile: feels guilty about charging a lot for plants. Well, not
_really_, but they like to feel like they do.
Determining question: "Do you have ____?"
Determining answer: "Dang. Shoulda asked last month. No, but we
_do_ have this, which looks just like it...." (NB: After long enough in
the "biz", ALL orchids look the same. No kidding.)
Up side: pays the bills.
Down side: acres and acres of window panes to replace after every
hailstorm.
4) Collectors
Collectors are the ground-pounding, in-the-trenches warriors of the
orchid world. Pushing the boundaries of our taxonomic knowledge, these
khaki-clad men and women are masters of the jungle, where the only "fun"
orchids can be found. They have to be part taxonomist, part horticulturist,
part entrepeneur, and have strong immune systems.
Most true collectors like to think they are taxonomists, but
steadfastly refuse to give detailed collection information about their
specimens. Although some are allied with legitimate scientific groups, the
majority are freelancers with a khaki fetish. Most have more knowledge
in podiatry than anything else, from wearing boots in the jungle all the
time. Little known fact: most collectors spend in excess of 47.3% of their
income in fungicides. Much of the rest used to be consumed at "Banana
Republic" until the Gap took it over.
Profile: a lot like Harrison Ford in "Indiana Jones," except that
most orchids aren't as well-protected as that little golden statue thingie.
Determining question: "Where did you find ______?"
Determining answer: "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you."
Up side: knows someone who can find ANYTHING.
Down side: probably infectious. Do NOT shake hands, especially if
they are running a fever or cough a lot. Try not to back away from them
with fear if you recently read "The Hot Zone" and found out they were last
collecting in Africa.
5) Rarity specialist
The true snobs of the orchid world, these specialists won't look twice
at anything which isn't either newly discovered or incredibly endangered.
Having grown everything else, the only appealing plants they know of have
"RARE" adjacent to them in the catalog listing. Interestingly, these experts
never buy anything, but just exchange material between friends. If you're
not "in the loop," forget it.
Profile: bored with hybrids. Thinks most species are "appealing,
but banal." Kills lots of plants, but don't really care. "Do you have any
XYZ?" you will ask them. "Well, I _used_ to," they will say. It's all in
the getting, not in the having, for these folks.
Determining question: "It's not extinct?"
Determining answer: "In the wild, it is. But I have <insert number
here> of them. Have something good to trade for one? Huh? Huh?"
Up side: has orchid connections out the wazoo.
Down side: never wants to trade with _you_.
6) Researcher
Grows plants you've never heard of, and probably never will again.
Is arduously attempting to grind out an MS or PhD in some field so obscure
that nobody could possibly be doing work on the same ding-dang thing and
preempt them for publication. Keywords: taxonomy; mycorrhizia; native and
propagation; publication; academic abuse.
It may be difficult to identify one of these outwardly, but they
typically wear glasses from staring into a microscope for so long, and
they also tend to be abysmal horticulturists. Many have to hire lab apes
to tend to the masses of plants they have, lurking in the damp, humid
corners of the university greenhouse, where they are spurned by the
caretakers in favor of the plants grown for the geneticists and "real"
biochemists.
Profile: white skin, blue veins from staying inside too much.
Has never seen an orchid in the wild unless they were collecting samples.
Either a grad student or a PhD. Doesn't possess any textbooks that cost
less than 80 bucks or have print runs of more than 5,000 or so.
Determining question: "Will what you are doing make the world a better
place?"
Determining answer: "Yeah, sure."
Up side: archives volumes of material in research that may be
invaluable to you at some point in time under some set of bizzare
circumstances.
Down side: you'll never know it exists when you need it the most.
WHAT DOES THE TYPE OF ORCHID YOU GROW TELL ABOUT THE GROWER?
Although this has been under dispute for years, what orchids you
_grow_ tells a lot about you. See the following list.
Cattleya: you enjoy the finer things in life. You probably drive
a large, slow car and block traffic a lot. Perhaps you own a Winnebago and
irritate everyone else that you "share" the road with.
Phalaenopsis: you prefer simple things. Your mate is probably a
drummer, and a bad one at that. You enjoy low-maintenance plants, but not
so low that you can neglect them or anything. If it were a car, it'd probably
be a Jaguar: good to look at, nice things under the hood, but end up swallowing
as much oil as gas. And the carburetors are impossible.
Paphiopedilum: if you like the "beefsteak" Paphs, you have a lot of
respect for the romance and nobility of the "good old days" of orchid growing.
If you like the newer, warm-growing Paphs, you probably enjoy the innovations
the field has received. Either way, you're stuffy and frown upon everything
else any other grower has. You believe that if you have something that is
rare enough and BIG enough, someone should pay you a lot for it, even if
it's rare only 'cos you "say so."
Dendrobium: if you prefer Nobile group and you enjoy these overbred
beasts, you probably have a thing for ugly plants. If you prefer any other
group, particularly species, you probably enjoy a challenge. If you don't
pull all your hair out trying to get these plants to bloom, you're worthy
of becoming an educator on the high school level.
Cypripediums: if you're into this group (cultivating, not just
admiring), you're purely an academic. Congratulations, you got published.
Cymbidiums: grow fast, stay green, low attention, low maintenence...
you're a slob.
Vandas: you enjoy these slow-growing monopodial plants. You like
how they reach for the sky and suck up the heat, light and humidity. You
probably drive too slow in the fast lane, and will retire to Florida if you
haven't already. Similar to those that love Cattleyas, Vandaphiles tend
to wear hats when inside or behind the wheel.
Odontoglossum-group intergenetics: you live within 15 miles of
the coast in the Pacific northwest, and can grow anything on a rock, given
the rainfall you get out there. You grow cool-growing Miltonias, and wonder
why everyone else thinks they are "so difficult." You've never seen a monster
moth-white Phalaenopsis in your life, but once saw a picture of a Vanda.
Phragmipediums: you are selective, and careful in your attention.
Having shunned every Paphiopedilum in existance for these long-petaled wonders,
you think every plant you have is worth "at least a hundred bucks a growth,"
and demand extortionate prices. A lot like Paph growers, but even more
insufferable.
Disas: you wonder why other people think growing orchids is so tough,
until your entire collection gets mowed down by a fungus one night. You are
readily bewildered in a world that never seemed quite so complex.
Pleurothalids: you enjoy things that other people might call "too
busy." You enjoy variability, and delight in profuse sprays of tiny flowers.
If your only mental disbility is that you're schizoid, consider yourself
lucky if you're allied most closely with this group. At worst, you're a
repressed axe-murderer, serial killer, or nun-beater.
Oncidiums: dazzled by the displays of these "dancing ladies," you
prefer the stunning arrays of flowers that can be produced in suffusions of
color. In your spare time, you're a hard-core drug addict that prefers
hallucinogens.
WHAT ARE SOME SIGNS I'VE TAKEN MY "LITTLE HOBBY" TOO FAR?
There are many ways to determine that you have become addicted to
orchids. Actually, it's fairly easy to become addicted to these plants, and
the reason is simple: there are so blasted many of them. Professional
dealers have the best handle on this: they just think all orchids look the
same (unless, of course, it's one of _their_ hybrids). Amateurs, tragically,
don't have such a splendid opinion, and have to deal with it the only way
they know how: rampant runaway consumerism.
This, of course, is the primary way to determine you're addicted to
orchids: you're broke. It _is_ the 90's, though, and this is a common theme
across America, so it may not be strictly attributable to orchidaceous
addictions.
So now, without further delay, the top ten reasons you KNOW you
have had TOO MUCH of orchids!
10) Plan your vacations around locations of orchid nurseries
9) Orchids in the sink, on the windowsill, in the bathtub, in the
shower, at work...
8) You're buying bark like it's going out of style
7) You buy the AOS Bulletin just to "look at the pictures"
6) You're finally "getting the hang of potting"
5) You catch yourself informing a newbie that orchids "should be
watered when they need it"
4) You find yourself writing about orchids constantly, annoying
everyone on the Inet with scads of virtually useless esoterica
3) Visa card maxxed out. Reason? Orchids.
2) Spouse threatens to leave you next time you give that damned
Vanda rothchildsianum more attention than them... and they do
and... the NUMBER ONE REASON you KNOW you've been playing with orchids
a LITTLE TOO LONG...
NOT ENOUGH POT TO GO AROUND.
er, sorry. That should be "pots". Never mind.
More real orchid info:
ftp ftp.nmt.edu/pub/orchids
http://www.nmt.edu/~ahicks/rare.html under the FAQs directory
or e-mail ahicks@nmt.edu
Aaron J. Hicks contrived this stuff. I'd like to be more pretentious
about what I call it (other than "stuff"), but 1) I don't know what else to
call it, and 2) I can't spell "pretentious".
Profile:
Aaron used to be a graduate student at New Mexico Tech, trying to
get an MS in stable isotope geochemistry. Most commonly asked question?
"What is geochemistry?" Most common comment to the reply? "Oh." Makes for
short conversations, lemme tell you.
Least expected question: "Will what you do make the world a better
place?"
Response: "Yeah, sure."
Up side: Wonk
Down side: completely unemployable with a BS as a rock jockey, too
distracted to get an MS as a geochemist. Probably an "ADD" patient, and just
needs to get strapped down and pumped full of Ritalin.
Permission to reprint granted, although if you're an editor of an
orchid society periodical that actually WANTS to reprint this tripe, perhaps
you should get your head examined. Nothing personal.
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