"Cow Flop Damage Control"

Are you going to be skinned, again? Do you figure you'll just have to settle for what's coming to you - - without really knowing what you are entitiled to? Or how to get it, if you did know?

Most folks don't know about some very important local ordinances that were recently enacted around here. These ordinances are to protect our law-abiding citizens, and ensure fair and honest treatment by the "Fat Cat" cattle barons who run their herds of bovine "pile-droppers" up and down the streets without the common decency to clean up "after."

If you reside within the city limits here in Billville - - there are some legal benefits you are entitled to if you have had the unfortunate pleasure of stepping in a pile of cow flop on any of the paved streets and alleyways, even if the paving was just packed gravel and old motor oil.

Here's just a few examples of what these ordinances may entitile you to - - if you go about it in the right way:

Shoe replacement, or fair reimbursement for the lost value of your shoes from stepping in "you know what."
Dry Cleaning for garments that you may have had on - - from the belt line down.
Free admission to the midway during the Fall Carnival, possibly with unlimited rides from 5:00 to 10:00 PM on any Tuesday night.
Complementary milk delivery, or prime cuts of USDA beef - - depending on whether the cow in question was registered for dairy or meat production.
Many, many other possible reimbursements and benefits - - IF YOU KNOW HOW TO SUBMIT YOUR CLAIM!

If you have just finished scraping off your shoes, or have recently "stepped lightly" to the Billville car wash for a high pressure shoe shine, the indignity you have suffered is surely still "fresh" in your mind - - possibly elsewhere, as well. Don't get mad, GET A SETTLEMENT! Nothing can take away the "sinking" feeling you have experienced, but a few T-bone steaks can often do wonders to lift the spirits.

Our message is also for those who have "hopped the flop" as long ago as January of 1994 - - there is a statute of limitations that may still entitle you to benefits even if you have thrown away your ruined shoes, socks and slacks.

Our lost value analysis and experienced, professional advice can provide you with some mighty, mighty important help, including:

A certified written analysis of the value of your loss - - from a recognized expert in the cow flop "field."

Proper forms you will need to submit - - already filled out and ready to go!

A "step-by-step" procedure for you to follow to ensure that your claim receives prompt attention, and a fast and fair settlement!

Case History reports from others who have endured the same indignity - - so you won't get "buffaloed" into accepting a settlement that is much, much less than has been awarded to others in your same situation!

THE COST? Yes, there is a cost for this, but it is less, much much less than what you will receive as reimbursement for your damaged clothing. Hey, and don't forget the dry cleaning, groceries, and all the excitement you will feel when you get on the Carnival Midway (for free!).

Could you do all of this without our service? Yes, you honestly could. IF you are familiar with the intricacies of the local ordinances, and IF you have the time to research your damages, and IF you fill out the forms properly, and IF you get a certification of your claim, and IF you got the tag number of the cow in question and have a reliable witness, and IF you don't mind standing in line down at City Hall when they open from 10:00 AM to 2:00 PM (hour for lunch) every other second Tuesday - - except when the Carnival is in town. Simply put, we can handle all the details for you and get your claim settled more quickly because WE SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF COW FLOP.

Interested? You bet! All you have to do is fill out the attached claim form and we'll do the rest. You can rely on us to handle the "load" for you. In a few short days your paperwork and all the supporting documentation will arrive in you mailbox - - all you have to do then is hold your nose, sign the forms, lick the stamp, and we'll take it from there!

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